How long are ya planning to make this one mahee gaheee

Please DON'T tell me that the Ponies. Specifically the Main Six or even Celestia/Luna are giving the poor human a hard time? Because, I will be pissed off at them. Because, that is just Xenophobic and Racist Injustice right their!

10702060
And very cliche.

10702063

I know right! WHY do the Ponies have to be OOC Jerks to Human Characters or other Protagonists? This is with the Zecora incident or Neighsay. But it's a Hundred times worse!

10702114
No idea, but I suppose its an option for people who get tired of Celestia being so pure, kind, and always forgives others.

10702122

Despite having a Evil, Xenophobic/Racist, and super Bitch-like Celestia is more WORSE than that! Heck, she might be similar to some of the worst real-life tyrants! You know who I'm talking about?

At first I thought that this was just going to be a generic human in Equestria story but by having the villains live inside the human you have very much sparked my interest. I am certainly interested in reading more and seeing how the villains get along.

10702037
I’ve been wanting to make it for a while. I couldn’t think I’m putting either one or two villains in that would fit perfectly, so instead I decided to throw four into his mind and have him as a vessel.

10702060
I made this universe in a human and you universe. Of course there’s probably gonna be misunderstandings and stuff like that. Maybe one or two of the main six might give them some trouble. Especially with four villains in their head.

But I will be trying to avoid any clichés. And be more original.

10702122
Heya. I decided to give this story a test chapter and see how well it would do. What do you think?

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I wanted a villain-human story. Unfortunately I couldn’t pick which villain I wanted. So Not one or two but four of them are thrown into his mind.

Hmm this looks to have potential and I’m looking forward to where this is going and how it develops and what the plot is as it goes

‘I don’t know much of anything… not even my name… I know I’m a male adult human… but I don’t think there’s much else…’

This passage feels... awkward. Less like an amnesiac (or whatever the case may be) trying to figure out what happened, where they are... who they are, and more like a narration to the reader detailing what the guy does and doesn't know.

...maybe I'm being too nitpicky, but I think you could do better with 'show, don't tell', or at least reveal information in a way that would feel more... natural. Put yourself in their shoes- if you were suddenly in darkness, not knowing where you are or how you got there... would you be more concerned about figuring out where you are, than about remembering that you are human?

Just... take your time with writing, reveal information naturally- the readers don't need to learn everything at once, especially in a way that feels... awkward.

Again, maybe it's just me being nitpicky, but, that's my advice.

10702060
Indeed but we don’t know for sure until more chapters come and give us more info here

10702190
Well good luck with that

I quickly got to the vault to grab One Best equipment. https://i.pinimg.com/236x/60/ae/14/60ae144745b1551c19574c36dd94962f--princess-celestia-mlp-comics.jpg I wouldn’t sit back this time.

.............

...this isn't what I meant when I said 'show, don't tell'.

Why not you try to actually describe the equipment... this is a story. People who go here want to read, not be redirected to a dozen other webpages. How are you going to improve your writing skills- or write a story- if you're not even going to try to write?

Discord the Spirit of Chaos. Was currently lying down on the ground, rubbing his aching body. https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/d125df43-37f9-4450-a601-50d3aa7fa501/d5x77uf-312c8842-d808-4a53-8160-835c04e9360d.png?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOiIsImlzcyI6InVybjphcHA6Iiwib2JqIjpbW3sicGF0aCI6IlwvZlwvZDEyNWRmNDMtMzdmOS00NDUwLWE2MDEtNTBkM2FhN2ZhNTAxXC9kNXg3N3VmLTMxMmM4ODQyLWQ4MDgtNGE1My04MTYwLTgzNWMwNGU5MzYwZC5wbmcifV1dLCJhdWQiOlsidXJuOnNlcnZpY2U6ZmlsZS5kb3dubG9hZCJdfQ.hptZ1ewoAWkUmFC6bOwxpdI3b5yc6lAvMfuVFFo6FZw Queen Chrysalis of the Changeling Hive. was also currently laying down on the ground, trying to relax from pain. https://i.pinimg.com/originals/84/95/63/849563472badf032b11c42b41292a611.jpg King Sombra of the Crystal Empire. Was the last one laying on the ground rubbing his temples. https://derpicdn.net/img/2016/2/29/1099568/large.jpeg Nightmare Moon Stood Above Them All. She was looking down at them annoyed and disappointed. https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/1c47076a-a578-41f9-9152-83fe4f15a25f/d8xhxep-ce69962f-9a19-46bd-b488-c82d51103ac5.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOiIsImlzcyI6InVybjphcHA6Iiwib2JqIjpbW3sicGF0aCI6IlwvZlwvMWM0NzA3NmEtYTU3OC00MWY5LTkxNTItODNmZTRmMTVhMjVmXC9kOHhoeGVwLWNlNjk5NjJmLTlhMTktNDZiZC1iNDg4LWM4MmQ1MTEwM2FjNS5qcGcifV1dLCJhdWQiOlsidXJuOnNlcnZpY2U6ZmlsZS5kb3dubG9hZCJdfQ.SufJCDnNCRp_lWQvF9nElCYdoF7asSGi6wD7UTjvCMM

...........WHY!?

Just WHY?

The concept is good. But between the terrible writing, and the excessive use of links in an 'attempt' to supplement for actual writing... I just can't stand to read this.

I'm sorry. I was truly interested too! But I can't read through something like... this.

I love this story can’t wait for more!

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All right where do I begin.

Let me start off by telling you I agree with the “show don’t tell” statement that you’ve said. And I’ve tried to do that. But I will admit it’s harder in a book than end it is showing it on a movie.

And about the pictures, I completed that on purpose. They weren’t meant to just be numbers and letters but actually show up as pictures so you could just move on. I didn’t expect the numbers mason. I thought about doing it without pictures I thought about putting in the hard work and describing every character. Then I realize this was a fanfiction and everyone knows who these characters are. Honestly I saw no point in describing a character they might’ve heard about just slightly different a dozen times. I try focussing more on dialogue and plot.

If it was something or someone who the audience had no clue, I would’ve definitely described them better. If they’re important.

Also I like pictures. I think it brings out a fanfic

truly interesting concept.I have seen the conments about it,but I personally gonna give this the chance of the Doubt,so carry on.

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Honestly this is a test run so I don’t know if I’m going to continue or not.

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Well I’ve certainly got a positive response so I may continue.

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Well, they will regret that! The Main Six I mean. Because, Pissing Off a Human, especially having Four of the infamous MLP Villains in his mind! Can lead to disaster against the Main Six, Celestia/Luna, and everypony.

Plus, since he got the First Four from Season 1-3. What about the other Villains? Tirek ( Season 4), Starlight Glimmer ( Season 5), Sunset and the Dazzlings ( Equestria Girls Movies), Stygain/Shadow Pony ( Season 7), Storm King and Tempest Shadow ( MLP Movie), and finally Cozy Glow ( Season 8-9)?

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I don’t know about the other villains. Starlight and Sunset will probably be still in it, I have tons of potential I could use them for. But I will say Tirek Will probably be very important.

I like the idea of the story and it is good so far pls continue

10702651
Nice.

“A talking human that’s rich!” I looked around for the voice but I didn’t see who said it

is this one of the storys where magic stopped humans becoming sapeint?

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It’s a human and You verse. You’ll just have to wait to find out

10702191
Chaotic. I don't mean chaotic as in the story, but rather the feeling with you having to write out so many characters being with you.

10703047
I embrace the challenge with open arms. Writing characters is where I really shine in my stories along with my creativity.

10702638
Let me start by saying this, the respect you've lost from me has been gained back. Simply because you've shown you can actually take criticism. A trait that is far too rare to see.

That said-

...for the show, don't tell point, just practice. Practice makes perfect- try your best. My first piece of advice, you should start by focusing on putting yourself in the shoes of the character- from whatever character the perspective may currently be -and write, more as if you were them, in their situation. Write as if you would write a diary, perhaps. Let the different points come up naturally, rather than awkwardly.

You're right that- barring the rare case of someone stumbling onto this site, who doesn't know much about the series, yet for whatever reason sticks around. Everyone here does know what they look like... then perhaps don't waste energy giving a full on description. But let anything that may describe flow naturally. Besides, even though we already know what they look like, it's not like there's absolutely no reason to describe them. A nice description that flows well (as in- one that doesn't flow like a janky info dump) can help immerse the reader- help them picture in their head exactly the scene going on in front of them.

And just don't post links to images. They don't work. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's everyone, but whoever it effects, people just seeing a spontaneous underlined jumble of characters like that- having to go click a link to be directed somewhere else entirely, may very well seem like more trouble than it's worth. Doubly so if they have slow internet, where whether or not to put the time in waiting for the thing to load may very well be a weighty decision. ...at least for some people, especially if they have better things to do instead of waiting for half an hour for an image to load... then having to repeat the process a half dozen or so times throughout the story to eventually load everything.

Or, at the very least, if you are going to put in links to images- instead of putting them in directly, why not use a more subtle link <- like that, which doesn't just spam the reader's screen with keyboard mash.

...because seriously. That can get hard to look at... and really breaks a person's immersion. ...not exactly something you probably want.

Ok, neat. And it's great to see you running again Psychofox44. Quick question. Are you gonna continue on 'Lord of Humanity' and 'Warlord'? Cause for one, they are my favorites of your design. Second, I'm curious to see what happens next, plus, I'm bored with others and their fanfics.

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It’s good to see your old friend. Fun fact I’ve given my chapter of warlord to my editor it just hasn’t gotten back to me.

But be sure to stick around for this one it’s going to be interesting.

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Will do.👍

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I’m glad to see that you’re back, I thought I lost you. I’ve always been able to take criticism well. I just see it in a way as improvement and this site has helped me a lot with that with my old stories.

Before I leave the site for good/ maybe... I would like to finish at least one story. To add my mark onto the MLP fandom.

I promise you the chapters will only get more interesting if you continue to stay.

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The dry tone of these two comments is hilarious.

Nice keep it up dude 👍

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😂😂😂😂

love love love love it keep it

it seems the link to the image of King Sombra is not working. it shows "404 Not Found"

10862839
Well because he was blasted apart how are you going to find him?

Sorry had to make the joke