• Member Since 24th Oct, 2019
  • offline last seen 30 minutes ago


I am but a simple brony who loves everything My little pony FIM

Comments ( 9 )

Blackmail bad.

Chicks with dicks bad. Chicks with vaginas good.

What about chicks with both dicks and vaginas? All the girls in this story have both parts

Good story. Like the scenario, like how you wrote the actual dirty stuff.

But you could try to improve your prose and scenic descriptions a bit, as well as your spelling. I noticed quite a few mistakes at about halfway through.

Not trying to be mean, but this is pretty poor English.

From the first paragraph alone:

"Sunset was walking down the halls with a devious smirk on her face," There shouldn't be a comma here. "as she looked through her collection of captures" Files "she haves" has "on Rarity. The contents contained" files contained or contents included "pictures and a video of her behind the school in a alclove" alcove ", on her knees, sucking Mr. Cranky Doodle" Doodle's " cock. From what was heard from the video" could be heard from the video ", It" You don't capitalise after a comma. " turns out Rarity isn't doing all to well in his class and is giving him blowjobs in exchange for good grades. With this kind of dirt Sunset can make The" The is not a proper noun, shouldn't be capitalised. "young fashionista do whatever she wanted, If" Shouldn't be capitalised again. " she doesn't wants" want " Sunset to upload what she haves" has " all over the internet."

And then I look at the story you used as 'inspiration' and it's like I'm reading the same thing again but without the butchered English.

I'm sorry about the the grammar. Its been a problem since I first started writing but I've been improving myself as best as I can. I know when I try to go back through my stories to correct mistakes, I would miss some and this is no different.

I will go through it again and try to fix as many mistakes as I can but I'm not good at spotting every one of them. Grammar sites are a bit challenging for me since I don't own a laptop. I use the internet on my Xbox.

All in all, I can only do my best to improve my writing and as long as my stories are readable and people likes them, its enough for me.

Also I'm a bit terrible when finding the right words to use some times.

I know theirs more mistakes that need to be fix but I at least fixed the first paragraph. I will take your corrections into account for future writing.

Thanks for the feedback.

nice work

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