The Sixth Race

by Firefinder

Author Note

Hey I am planning on rewriting this story since I kind of hit roadblock/mess up big time. I screwed up the pacing of the story to them point of you could get to the Pegasus Galaxy faster by walking than this story getting to the action and the meat of it. I also wrote myself into a corner where I can’t write myself out of and I was going in the completely opposite direction from where I wanted it. So I am starting from the beginning and rewriting it from the top. I am also doing use the advice that you guys and/girls are giving me and changing some things up. Just so you believe me here is a snippet from the new Chapter One.
==-===-==

“Well this sucks,” Vinyl Scratch couldn’t help but think as she stare as the Heart of Ponyville was chase off by the Senris destroyers into hyperspace. The frigate was tough, but it just didn’t have the firepower to go toe to toe on its own against the two destroyers that jumped in on them. Captain Twilight known this and had tried to grabbed her but one of the destroyers had destroyed the satellite that she was working on throwing her off into space. She manage to right herself but it was too late, that shot had blown her out of range of the Ponyville transporter range and the Senris kept blocking any attempt for them to close the distance and pick her up. After several attempts, the Ponyville’s shields were near collapse and they had to pull out with a destroyer giving chase.
They had been sent out to do a quick systems check of one of the early warning satellites since it was sending weird readings and high command was worry of a system crash. If that would to happen a large blind spot in the early warning grid would open up and cause an unobserved route strait to Eponas to open. Now usually two other satellites would have this area of space covered by their sensors, but one was destroyed and the other was being replaced.
The reason why Vinyl was doing an a spacewalk in the first place was that for one she was behind on her time doing EVAs and was certified to repair any problems with the satellites’ commutations equipment, which turned out to be the problem.
She turned her attention from the closing hyperspace window to making herself as small as a target as possible. She know it was a fools quest since the needle shape destroy was turning towards her taking it’s sweet time. As the bow of the ship point right at her, almost as if to spear her right between the eyes, something mircarous happened.
A bright green beam came out of nowhere and cut right through the destroyer and cutting it in half. Vinyl stained her eyes to find the source of the beam in the black of space. As she searched two whitish-blue beams hit the two halves of the destroyer breaking them apart. As she trace the beams back to the source find it just in time to see two more spring into existence from a rapidly moving dark shape.
As she watch it, it zoomed in close to the wreckage with several smaller weapons opening up and taking out what was left, leaving nothing left bigger than her hoof. Around that time an alarmed opened sounded made a suit bleach know.

Taking one look at the mysterious ship and her quickly diminishing awareness she had one thought, ‘Nothing ventured nothing gained, I just hope that they just have a beef with the Senris and not just xenophobic.’
As she was thinking this she was building energy in her horn to light off a multi-spectrum flare that should get their attention. As she lost consciences she saw that the ship was heading her way.
‘Hope this works,” she said to herself as she passed out.
==++===++==

As you can see I change up a couple things so that I can move the plot along faster, I am hoping to combine basically the first three chapters in one, destroy the mother of all plot hole the translate the writing Eponian language thing, and just make it better. If you are wondering what took me so long to do this 1) I got deployed in February to Kuwait, 2) the internet here sucks and 3) I had a seventy pound metal box dropped on my right hand. Sorry for taking so long but I will finish this story if it is the last thing I do.

Comments

[The Grey Pegasus]

Cool stuff.

[Firefinder]

Question? WHEN IN THE HELL DID I MAKE THE FUCKING FEATURE BOX?!

[Afterburner]

YES! Finally Someone did it!!! Been looking for this for months.

[Isshiki Kotonashi]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Show,_don't_tell

EDIT: I AM NOT IMPLYING ANYTHING.

[Llisandur]

commutations -> communications
mircarous -> miraculous
Around that time an alarmed opened sounded made a suit bleach know. -> I think I know what's going on in this sentence, but as it's written it's pretty much nonsense. Pretty sure it should be, "Around that time an alarm sounded and made a suit breach known."

I'm not exactly sure what happened to your words, but please re-read and make sure of your spelling and grammar. Other than that, I'm really interested in the concept and I'd like to see where you take the rewrite.

[Sb129]

kool beans, I still haven't read it yet because i haven't watched all of StarGate yet [seriously it's alot of episodes]
All done with SG-1
still working on SGA
and only watched 3 eps [early] from SGU
so to know that this isn't dead but is quite alive makes me happy to know I'll have something really quality to read when i do finally get done with all of StarGate [but I'm still gonna download this version and read it first]
so, good luck and godspeed, I'll be waiting

[Lexicon]

I'm still volunteering to edit if you need me to. When it comes to pre-reading, I'm not the best. I usually find a story interesting and enjoy it, or I find it dull, and will finish it or just give up. So all I'm really good for is grammar and maybe sentence structure.

[Firefinder]

2845775 I thought I sent both you and Elsoi a pm with what is going on. Guess the shitty Internet at Kuwait ate it.

[Delta Gamma]

“Well this sucks,” Vinyl Scratch couldn’t help but think as she stare as the Heart of Ponyville was chase off by the Senris destroyers into hyperspace. The frigate was tough, but it just didn’t have the firepower to go toe to toe on its own against the two destroyers that jumped in on them. Captain Twilight known this and had tried to grabbed her but one of the destroyers had destroyed the satellite that she was working on throwing her off into space. She manage to right herself but it was too late, that shot had blown her out of range of the Ponyville transporter range and the Senris kept blocking any attempt for them to close the distance and pick her up. After several attempts, the Ponyville’s shields were near collapse and they had to pull out with a destroyer giving chase.

They had been sent out to do a quick systems check of one of the early warning satellites since it was sending weird readings and high command was worry of a system crash. If that would to happen a large blind spot in the early warning grid would open up and cause an unobserved route strait to Eponas to open. Now usually two other satellites would have this area of space covered by their sensors, but one was destroyed and the other was being replaced.

"Toe to toe on its own" is unnecessary; pick one.

Captain Twilight knew this and had tried to grab her, but one of the destroyers had destroyed the satellite that she was working on, throwing her off into space.

Not keen on the "destroyers had destroyed" bit, but I have to ask: Is english your first language? You are making some BIG errors.

ΔΓ

[BlackWidower]

Seventy pound metal box!? Oh, my... sorry to hear that man. What's your prognosis?

[Dark Shade 75]

3639308
That comment was made a while ago, and I don't exactly remember making it, but I do know that I would not have made it without very good reason. Very rarely do I ever so completely abandon a story like that.
Perhaps I noticed things you didn't, or I have much higher standards, or maybe even the author went back and has fixed things since then.
Regardless, me putting forth my personal opinion on a story, no matter how negative, does not entitle you to insult me.
So please, pull that 'righteous stick up your ass' out, and let others live their respective lives.

[Inucroft1]

This fic has good potencial, and the idea behind it is rather good.

However, while the pacing was a wee bit fast (but tolerable) and there were some minor Gramatical issues, the introduction of Nxy felt poor (giving the imprssion of a Mary Sue charector).

Either way, I look forward to the completion of our rewrite and continuation.

[thomascraig]

I hope this finally comes back some day I loved the first version but still agree with the re-create hope you get it done

[whee38]

Um, spell check needs some work

[Ariel Schnee]

I think the author is dead now.:(

[Burrrr]

I love this, I hope it comes back someday

[sinewystatue382]

do more

[Ponyess]

This looks like an entirely new and separate story.
Furthermore, you will have to get a grip of your "English" as well; sory to say-
(even if I could read it perfectly fine)

---

Sorry to hear of your missfortune, best of luck with as speady a recovery as possible.

[sinewystatue382]

when are you going to update this story