• Member Since 7th Jan, 2020
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

FIM Fiction


I will hijack stories and make crap. Why? Because there are stories with dark endings, death, pain, misery. I will make such stories happy. I will save the characters from a cruel end.

E

Join Angelo, Willow, Timmy, Gabriel, Odin, and Olivia as they live a second chance for life.

As the pets of the mane six!?

With a sassy (or rather angsty) hispanic rabbit as their leader, will these animals ever get used to their new life?

And if so, what sort of adventures are right around the corner? Read the story and find out!

Chapters (3)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 40 )

Interesting, though your transitions could use some work. Stating the transition using ‘*’ breaks immersion. It is an interesting concept, though.

Timmy tested his propeller, gently floating. "Huh." he said, before zooming off. "WOO YEAH-HAH!"

That period should be replaced with a comma. Either that, or the tag ‘he said’ should be replaced with an action. For example. “Huh.” He tested his newfound flight capabilities.

"S-sure." Olivia said, before taking the pancake. Suddenly, a hawk burst through the window, grabbed Olivia, and flew off. "AHHHHH!" she screamed as she was carried off into the distance.

Another instance where there should either be a comma, or an action instead.

Odin blinked as he awoke. "Hm. Perciluer. I appear to be an avian. Owl, to be precise." He knew it was not a lucid dream. His eyes glanced around the library. "Ah, a purple unicorn. Where is our wizard, if that is my fate now."

Peculiar.

Overall, an interesting concept. If you ever need an editor, let me know. I’d be willing to help you fix some of these errors. I’d also recommend reviewing Ezn’s reading guide, as it has some useful information.

Oh god this will be a show alright! XD

"RARITY!" Sweetie Belle shrieked. "THE HAWK CAME BACK! IT TOOK OPAL!!!"

almost as bad as the owl problem new new york has

I like how Gabriel (Gummy) is the only one who actually had a conversation with their owner.

Huh. I like this concept. Seems like each of our main characters are of different ages, personalities, and races, too. Inclusivity, I like it. I'll keep a tracker on this.

I will say, though, I agree with 10694592. The spelling/grammar/mechanics do need to be looked at, and yes, transitioning with locations in asterisks does break immersion— showing scene locations with horizontal rules is common here on the site. In this chapter, honestly, context alone would have told us where the characters were. In the future, though, I'd suggest saying something that's happening at or in the location, or describing some aspect of the location. Since all of your protagonists don't actually know where they are yet, you'd need to reveal it when focusing on one of the characters that does. Say, for Timmy at Rainbow's:

"Well come on then! We've gone a full day of pranking, and you're coming with me." Rainbow Dash proclaimed, grabbing her turtoise and flying out the door of her cloud home.

10694592
Thanks for the offer, but I only got ten minutes to post each day so not much time for editing.

10695988
Wait, if you had no time to edit yourself, wouldn't you want an editor?

Pinkie wipped away a tear. "Wow Gummy. That was b-beautiful!"

It was quite nice yes :moustache:



Well then, this seems interesting :trollestia:

10695988
Which is why you get an editor so they do that for you.

How does one start a story? Some start with the future, and dwelve into the past.

Delve

Others have already mentioned the others I noticed, so I’ll just say that I really like the idea, and I’m looking forward to seeing where you take it!

How does one start a story? Some start with the future, and dwelve into the past. Others choose a present, and continue on boldly. Others, Once Upon A Time.

Me? I just throw words down and hope it works. So here we go and here you go.

lh3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/cQhntylqe0IcSjzs5iRw3osicIbxNCaSeyVII38K9s88A4n8ASNXzs0q3813L9oL-Y1CGB6smN7CO_pwgytkqLzgJC1pNRC2zw7q4gszYRKYC1Z-iDykefm9C27IDsb_
:pinkiesmile:

huh, now this is an interesting concept! good job with the characterization so far, can't wait to see where you're going with this!

Think you could do a chapter with Puppy Spike?

Actually I swear I remember reading a story with this exact premise. Back in the early years before fimfiction when fimfics were still largely on google docs.

And then four other people, who all hate each other, are reincarnated as the Hydra!

….

WHY HAS NO ONE THOUGHT OF THAT YET?!

Hmm.... or maybe the Ginyu force. Recoomb, Burter, Jace, and Captain Ginyu! (What about Goldo?) >:C What ABOUT Goldo? Ok fine, he's in the other end. :rainbowlaugh:

10697935
Havent watch Equestria girls but I'll try.

WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM WITH A MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR

Over 130 Favorites Holy Cow! I never expected this story to become so popular so quickly! however, favorites don't show others how good it is. Please be sure to like this story with the green thumbs up. It would really make my day, and would make it one of the top stories on Fimfiction!

Again, HOLY COW that's a lot of Favs. And in less than 5 days.

WE CONTINUE THIS PROGRAM AFTER YOU GIVE A THUMBS UP.

You could've used the author's notes for this.

10705767
I think they want to make it more of a tv joke as well maybe

great concept and execution!!!! keep it up!

A few misspellings here and there, most commonly ponis, but otherwise, at least my Spanish classes are finally paying off!

Asolem2 #25 · March 3rd · · · 2 ·

"Who?" Odin asked yet again. 'Many ponies but only one with a dragon. She must be the wizard.'

You're not wrong :moustache:

10702337
I wasn't really paying attention when I was writing that lol

"SQUIRREL!" Willow took off running after the small critter.

Looks like our ninita saw Up. :derpytongue2:

10705850
Ponis is spanish for ponies

10705767
Too boring and most pass right over them.

10707244
Oh shit that's right. I thought you just kept forgetting the E lol

That last non-canon authors note should be in the authors note box and not in the story, but otherwise, I really enjoyed it. 10/10

Hawkx1 #33 · 3 weeks ago · · · 3 ·

So have you not watched the better movies by choice or due to say monetary issues cause I’ve got the 2nd movie on one of my clouds and could link you to the OneDrive or Google Drive I have it on.

10770901
You took the words right out of my mouth. Or, off my keyboard. Uh... Screw it, you know what I mean. :derpytongue2:

I wonder if Fluttershy would be the first to notice the change in actions & name!

Keep it up!

"I saw Pinkie drop it, so I grabbed it as it was my size." Gabriel answered.

Makes sense :moustache:

As a Spanish speaker , this hurts

That's not how bilingualism works

10770908
That would be AMAZING

10772453
I am sorry but I am a spanish boi who lived in america in all my live. I only understand bits and babs of the language from my original parents.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!