Adagio's Evil Council of Doom

by Dawn Flower

First Meeting

Somewhere in the Badlands…

Deep beneath the arid ground, in a large underground chamber, several of the most powerful beings in Equestria and beyond sat around a large, round, stone table.

“Welcome, everyone,” Adagio Dazzle said from the top of the table, leaning back in her seat, with her fingers tilted, and her legs crossed. “I’m glad to see you all came. I have assembled all of the Friendship is Magic villains in one place. This night shall see the end of Twilight Sparkle and her friends, and her little dragon too.” She spoke in a confident tone. “With our combined evil, we shall defeat them! …Somehow!

“Now for the evil roll call.” Adagio continued, as she pushed out her chair and stood up. “Discord!”

“This evil council is seriously lacking in style and flair,” Discord spoke from his seat. “…and originality.” He whispered under his breath.

“Chrysalis!” Adagio continued.

“Word to your mama,” she said, sarcastically.

“Aria and Sonata!”

“Aria’m here,” Sonata said with a smile, whilst trying to stifle her giggling. “It Sonata problem,” she added quietly, trying desperately to hold back her laughter. Aria, sitting next to her, simply responded in her usual manner, with an eye roll and a facepalm.

Ignoring the blue sirens’ stupidity as usual, Adagio quickly moved on with her roll call.

“Tirek!”

“Helloooooo, Equestria,” the centaur called out, in a surprisingly cheerful tone.

“Sombra!”

“Crystals!”

“Flim and Flam!”

“Ugh…” Flim tried to speak up, but Adagio moved on too quickly.

“And finally, A… Ahuizo… how do you pronounce this?” Adagio wondered, squinting as she stared at the name on the piece of paper she held in her hand. “Hoita… Hoity Toity?” She guessed, speaking to the mysterious blue, monkey-like figure sitting in the far corner. Letting out an annoyed sigh as she looked in his direction, she just said, “Look, I’m just going to call you Bob, okay?”

‘Bob’ raised a finger to respond, but Adagio simply ignored him and continued speaking.

“Yes, okay,” Adagio responded in a bored tone. Putting the paper back down, she stood up straight and sounded more enthusiastic, leaning forward, with her hands on the table. “Now then, on to business. Evil business.” She smirked. “Ha ha ha ha.”

“Wait a minute?” Chrysalis interrupted her maniacal laughter. “Is this it? These are all the villains from Friendship is Magic?”

“What are you blathering about?” Adagio asked her, clearly annoyed with her attitude.

“Come on, this can’t be it. There’s got to be more. I mean, what about Luna?”

“We don’t need Luna!” Adagio screamed, looking down and slamming her fist into the table. “She would just slow us down with all of her influence and resources. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”

“She turned you down, didn’t she?” Chrysalis responded immediately, with a smirk on her face.

“Look, just shut the EFF! up!” Adagio screamed, looking back up at the changeling queen. “Luna isn’t one of us, even while she was Nightmare Moon. She’s not villain material; she’s more like an anti-hero: the worst kind of hero there is. They give us villains a good name.”

“But wait, I’m not a villain either,” Discord spoke up.

“Of course you’re a villain,” Adagio said, turning towards him. “You tried taking over Equestria twice for no other reason than you felt like it.”

“I was just confused,” Discord said, with a soft expression on his face, falling back into his chair. “I didn’t know what I was doing. Honestly.”

“Is that what you told the other ponies when they caught you making out with Fluttershy?” Chrysalis teased.

This caused a round of laughter from everyone at the table, except for Adagio.

“Silence!” Adagio screamed again, rising as high as she could. “I command you all to shut the EFF! up. We didn’t come here to discuss Discord’s ship pairings.”

“I did,” Tirek spoke up.

“Shut up!” Adagio quickly cut him off. “What we came here to do is defeat Twilight Sparkle and her friends, once and for all.” She smirked evilly again.

“Crystals,” Sombra suddenly chimed in.

“By the way, there are no free cupcakes. That was a lie.” Adagio quickly spoke up again, without dropping her smile.

“Crystals…” Sombra uttered, looking dejected.

“So how are we going to defeat Twilight Sparkle and her friends?” Chrysalis spoke up again, sounding more spirited. “Are we going to kill them? Because I would be totally on board with that. Especially if it involves draining them of all of their juices, leaving them all as empty husks. I like doing that,” she said with a smile. “It makes me feel all tingly.”

“No!” Adagio quickly corrected her. “We aren’t going to kill them. That would be too obvious.”

“Too fun more like it,” Chrysalis said, her smile falling.

“Drum roll, please.” Adagio said, closing her eyes and smiling. *drum roll* “Oooohh, a real drum roll. Nice,” Adagio said, opening her eyes again. “Now then, in order to defeat Twilight Sparkle and her friends, we are going to…” She paused dramatically. “Have a Battle of the Bands with them. Dun-dun-duuuuun.”

“That’s your plan?” Chrysalis raised an eyebrow.

“Didn’t we already do that?” Aria asked, sarcastically.

“Yeah, we did,” Sonata answered her, for realizes. Aria just facepalmed again.

“This will be no ordinary Battle of the Bands,” Adagio continued. “This one will…” She slumped. “Okay, you can stop the drum roll now.” *drum roll stops* “Thank you, for goodness sakes.” She then faced forward again. “Now then, as I was saying, this Battle of the Bands will take place… on a boat!”

“A boat?” Chrysalis wondered.

“Yes. Ingenious isn’t it?” Adagio boasted.

“Why a boat?”

“Because…” Adagio stuttered a little. “When they lose the Battle of the Bands… we’ll… push them over the edge of the boat… into the sea.”

Chrysalis simply sighed in exasperation. “And what, pray tell, will that accomplish?”

“Well, their manes will be soaked. It will take them hours to dry them,” Adagio explained.

“Why do we even need to have a Battle of the Bands? Why don’t we just push them off the boat?" Chrysalis asked her.

Adagio simply stared back at the changeling queen for a few seconds before hastily responding. “No! The Battle of the Bands is integral to the plot. The evil plot. Of which I am the evil mastermind.”

Aria simply ignored the two of them as they were talking, looking around the room, with a bored expression on her face. “Hey, where are all the hot guys?” She asked in a bored tone.

“Yeah, where are all the hot guys!” Sonata suddenly shot out of her seat, repeating the question in a more vigorous tone than her comrade.

Aria facepalmed again. “Her stupidity is now literally starting to hurt.” She thought.

Discord, Sombra, and Tirek all raised their eyebrows at that remark, but everyone just ignored them.

Adagio just looked at Aria and Sonata strangely. “What did she just say?” She asked, facing Chrysalis again.

“I think she wants to know why there aren’t any males here.”

“Foolish fools!” Adagio suddenly shouted out. “There are no males in Friendship is Magic. There are only extremely masculine girls. And I am the most masculine of them all.”

“Keep telling yourself that,” Discord chimed in.

Chrysalis facehoofed from all of the stupidness going on. “Look, if we’re going to defeat these ponies, then we need to think of something truly evil. Something that doesn’t involve singing.”

Adagio looked back at Chrysalis like she couldn’t comprehend what she just said, clutching at her hair. “What? No singing? You’re insane… I mean, more insane than the rest of us.”

“I have an idea,” Tirek suddenly spoke up.

“Oh?” Adagio said, calming down a little. “And what’s the half-pony hybrid’s plan?” She asked sarcastically.

“Why don’t we start throwing around Kamehameha’s?!” He gestured with his arms out at his sides.

*Beat*

“People usually start screaming whenever I say that.”

“Well, we’re not screaming.” Adagio slunk forward a little on her hands. A moment later, she sighed and turned towards ‘Bob. “What about you, Bob. Do you have any ideas?” ‘Bob’ raised his finger to respond, but Adagio quickly cut him off again. “Yeah that’s great, shut up.”

“Wait a minute?” Chrysalis suddenly spoke up. “If these are all of the Friendship is Magic villains, then where’s Sunset Shimmer? She was the villain in the first Equestria Girls movie.”

“You mean the movie nobody liked?” Adagio asked.

“That’s the one,” Chrysalis responded.

“I didn’t invite her or her stupid minions. They’re just a bunch of dorks.”

“For once we agree on something.” Chrysalis nodded with a smile.

---

Meanwhile, in a location that can only be described as… here.

“This is an outrage!” Sunset Shimmer screamed out. “Adagio is having an evil council meeting, and we’re not invited. They’ve even got free cupcakes, the bitch.”

“Dude,” Snips whispered to his friend, Snails, next to him. “She is totally a bitch.”

“Duh,” Snails uttered mindlessly, with an empty look on his face and a small bit of drool escaping his mouth.

Snips then looked back forward at Sunset Shimmer, who still had her back to them. “We’re not going to let them get away with this,” she said, clutching her hands into fists. “We’ll have our own evil council, and ours will be much better. And we’ll have muffins. Muffins are way better than cupcakes. Isn’t that right, my evil demonic henchmen?” She said, turning around towards them.

“Yeah!” Snips shouted, with his arms in the air.

“Duh,” Snails uttered, not changing his expression from last time.

---

“Come on, one of you motherfEFFers must have a decent plan to defeat those ponies,” Adagio addressed the room.

After looking nervously from side to side for a few seconds, Sonata raised her hand. “Uhhmm, I have an idea,” She said nervously.

Adagio let out a sigh and her outstretched arms parted more as she leaned against the table. “Oh, goody,” she said sarcastically. “The stupid one has an idea. Well, lay it on us, Sonata.”

Sonata clutched at her skirt beneath the table as she spoke. “Uhhmm, what if we kidnapped one of the six ponies while they were asleep? Then they can’t use their rainbow powers against us.”

Adagio just rolled her eyes. “That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. You go to the back of the class,” Adagio scolded her.

“Oh, I’m so stupid,” Sonata cried out.

“Crystals!” Sombra suddenly spoke up.

“What is it, Sombra?” Adagio asked as she faced him, with a coy smile on her face. “Do you have an idea that doesn’t involve crystals?”

“Crystals…” Sombra started.

“Enough of this!” Chrysalis interrupted. All eyes in the room were on her now. “There's only one way to truly defeat Twilight Sparkle and her friends, and I know what it is!”

Adagio just grunted loudly in response. “For the last time, we’re not killing them! Even if we did, Hasbro would just censor it!” She shouted.

“We’re not going to kill them,” Chrysalis replied calmly.

Adagio was intrigued now and she gave Chrysalis her full attention. “Well then, tell us, Cheese Feet, what shall we do?”

Chrysalis’ smile suddenly faded and she crinkled her nose up at the siren. “I told you to stop calling me that.”

Adagio simply smirked at her in response. “Well, you’re asking for it. Look at you. You look like a rancid pile of swiss cheese, for EFF’s sake,” she said, gesturing across the table towards the changeling queen.

While Chrysalis and Adagio simply stared at each other from across the table, a blissfully ignorant smile crept on to Sonata’s face. “Mmmm, I like cheese.”

Aria had to physically try to keep herself from facepalming again, though a long sigh did escape her lips. “Anyone else wanna trade seats?” She asked the room.

“Oh, for goodness sakes!” Chrysalis suddenly exploded. “Listen to me, dammit,” she said, while slamming her hoof down on the table, making sure that she had their undivided attention. “The only way to defeat the ponies is to send them piles of hate mail, disguised as friendship letters.”

The room suddenly fell silent in contemplation.

“What?” Adagio spoke up a moment later.

Chrysalis simply turned towards Adagio and calmly reiterated. “Hate mail disguised as friendship letters. If we can send them enough hate mail disguised as letters about friendship, it will completely destroy their ability to think rationally, and we can take them out no problem.”

Adagio brought her hand to her chin and turned her head in thought. “You know, that does actually sound like a good idea. It’s very evil.” She smirked. “I like it.”

She then pushed out from the table and stood up fully. “Now, let’s go and defeat our enemies once and for all.”

“Hey, I didn’t get to say anything.” Flam spoke up.

As everyone was leaving, Adagio simply turned to face him with an arrogant smirk. “Save it for the next meeting, Red.”

‘Bob’ just let out a sigh in frustration.

“You said it, ‘Bob’,” Adagio commented.

While everyone was shuffling out the door, Aria sighed quietly to herself. “I’m not going to get a different seat, am I?”

---

Sunset Shimmer stood in front of her two minions as she told them their plan. “And so, in order to defeat Adagio, we will send her so much hate mail that she’ll be buried in that little hideout of hers.”

“Yeah!” Snips yelled in response, as he threw his arms up in the air, while Snails simply stood there, with an empty look on his face.

Looking at this site in front of her, Sunset sighed and facepalmed. “I’m surrounded by idiots.

“Duh,” Snails drawled.