CUPID!

by PacifistDoodl3r

"Those observant blue eyes she has..."

”CUPID!”

by Pacifist Doodler...

---

Swirly milk clouds in a sky so blue, gently glided their way across the sea above her head that nearly match the very colour of her hair. A brisk breeze of chill felt droned, slow, and ignored from cars striking past in mere seconds. Vibrant shades of green and grey shuffled on trees, giving a timid maraca sound in the process. The teen sat on a metal bench, taking in the sights while earbuds blocked any unwanted noise. She swung her legs and shyly nodded her head to the electronic pop song playing.

“Coco?” A familiar voice asked from behind her. But there was no reply. “Coco??!” The voice got louder, almost breaking the barrier of audible sound, “Heyy! Talking to you!” She tapped her shoulder, making her flinch.

“Huh? Oh...” A few fingers brushed away blue hair, taking out both earbuds, then turning off the song. “Yes?” She turned around to see Roma who thumped a foot on the concrete. She immediately gave a response, “Yes?”

“So... there may or may not be... something... or other- going on at the school?” Roma said, pushing an uncouth smile at her.

“I'm sorry... what? I- I only understood something about the school? What's going on?” Coco raised an eyebrow, slowly moving her hand to sink an earbud back in, readying the play button.

“If I told you something serious was going on at the school, you wouldn't want to go!” Roma raised an arm to motion over at the school, “It's very important!”

“So... maybe just tell me this important thing going on at the school? I kind of need to know what I'm getting into...”

Roma let out a long breath, adverting her eyes away from Coco, “I... can't! Coco, just trust me! Doesn't the mystery intrigue you?”

“I sort of need context. I mean- I would go but I'm not as brave as you'd think, Roma...” Coco stood up, dusting off her skirt, “You seem upset, wanna free scrunchy?” She took a scrunchy out of her pocket, flexing it with a hand.

“Will you just... blindly follow me to the school? It really is important.” Defeated, Roma looked at Coco with eyes that had seen better days. Were those bags under her eyes or the lighting?

“Sure. I am a little curious to whatever is happening now... sort of? I'll follow you.”

They passed by many streets and Coco started to started to feel exhausted.

”Geez, what's so important?” She thought, racing her feet with Roma’s, attempting to breathe comfortably. “Excuse me- I think we’re going a little too fast!?” She tried to tell her but Roma hurriedly swung her hands, shifted hips, and picked up the speed.

They suddenly stopped at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change; prompting Coco to finally ask...

“What’s wrong!? With the school- please tell me? What is so important to be racing there?” She caught her breath, holding a hand to one worked up heart.

“I- uh... don’t-really-know! I totally just got a text from Fleur about the school being under attack or something!”

Coco shook her head, “Uhm, under attack? The six got this.”

“I think they’re busy!”

Coco cocked an eyebrow. “So you’re dragging me into danger because nobody else is trying to stop this terrible thing happening? What about the police? Firefighters? Call the IFB or-”

The walk light turns on, and they return to sped up walking.

“You just gotta believe me!” She adamantly exclaimed, pointing to the huge roof of the school.

“Oh- uhm... okay, to the school it is!” Coco awkwardly smiled, soon finding herself frowning. ”She's lying to me. Why” A voice echoed throughout her mind.

They were two blocks away, making the blue haired girl remember this exact street. Her street is close by, next to an old candy store. Oddly enough, a lot of cars parked around the school- people usually leave around this time. She felt something was definitely up. But was it danger?

They rounded the corner and just barely, from her peripheral vison, she saw two people run inside the school and slam the doors shut.

”Hmm?”, She put a curved finger to her chin slowing a hurried walk.

“Hey, Coco! We’re here!” Roma briefly squeezed her hand and ran towards the huge main building. She at last got to the sidewalk, adjacent to the student parking and brushed her hand against the metal fence because- it’s so satisfying to do.

She passed by the Wondercolt statue and skipped up the steps. Her heart ticked even faster as Roma closed the door behind her and disappeared behind the... glass?

”It appears the door and front windows were covered by black construction paper. I'm starting to feel weird.” Coco observed, squinting at dark figures behind it.

She started to take her time and slowly approached the door. A pale hand shook, fumbling with the handle. She exhaled a deep breath.

”So apparently the school is in trouble and nobody is here to help? Fleur told Roma about what happened- or at least gave her a little heads up... and of all people she spoke to me...” Coco gave a look of suspicion, floating a hand across the glass.

She sighed and pushed open the door, taking in the air conditioning and fans which blasted her with an aggressive swish of air. Coco gave a blank stare, attempting to process the scene in front of her.

“SURPRISE!” Every student shouted- at least it... seemed like every student! The school is decorated similar to the Fall Formal cafeteria except... everywhere!

“What!” Coco jumped, dodging exploding confetti aimed at her. Hearing greeting shouts from all around.

Pinkie handed her a present wrapped in colorful paper.

“I threw you a going away party, silly! We're going to miss you!”

“W-what!?”

Roma patted her back, “I'm sorry we didn't really get to hang out all that much this year, but I won't forget you!”

“WHAT!?”

Fleur offered her a cupcake and Coco hesitantly took it. It was chocolate with pink frosting. “I’m going to miss you too-”

“WHAT!” She shouted again, this time, everyone gave confused looks along with Coco.

Flash scratched his head, “Uh, Coco, you can stop shouting... are you confused? I think we are too?”

“...Yes- I am! I'm leaving?”

“You didn't know?” Flash’s eyes widened, followed by him sucking in with his teeth.

“I didn't know!”

Author's Note:

CUPID! is getting a makeover! Some time ago, I mentioned re-doing this fic. With an updated cover art and- well- I now have a full plot planned out in my head this time.

CUPID! even has a pseudo song that I play, thinking about the story and stuff... is that weird? Listening to a song and having your story play out inside your head? Clearly, I can't be the only person... anyway. Hai!

---

The Sailor Song - Autoheart

Updated September 30th, 2022

Comments

[EverfreePony]

Well, I definitely didn’t see that ending coming... and neither did Coco, apparently. Great hook there!

The chapter is quite dynamic and fast-paced, though one needs a faster pace to give the scene a sense of urgency. Still, you need to strike the right balance between a fast pace and the amount of information conveyed, so it wouldn’t hurt to slow down your narrative a bit in some parts. Such tense moments also need some time to sink in, so showing the characters running, then throwing in a quick summary and then showing again doesn’t allow the tension to build up properly and make the readers to feel as if they are a part of the scene. It’s also good to throw in some extra information to allow the audience realise that something is wrong with Roma. (Right now it’s just Coco plainly telling us without any noticeable hints that Roma indeed acts sus.)

Watch out for tense inconsistencies. This is a very noticeable and very annoying error that tends to break the story’s flow pretty much instantly. You should write your story either in past or present tense, but not both (especially not in a single scene). It doesn’t matter which one you choose, so go with the one that you feel fits the story and your style better. Avoid mixing the two like the plague, it’s a major turn-off for many readers. Here’s just a small example of mixed tenses. Past tense is in bold, present tense is underlined.

“Sure thing!” I turned around to see Roma who smiled from my response, “What is is?”

“It’s the school- there’s something going on! Hurry!” She takes my hand and without thinking, I follow.

We passed by many streets and I started to feel exhausted.

Furthermore, regarding some other technical issues, I’ve noticed some recurring problems in direct speech and associated dialogue tags. However, for the sake of keeping this comment moderately short, I won’t elaborate on these here. However, I can send you a short guide on how to deal with these, if you want.

Also, hyphens should be used only to connect separate words, such as in forty-two. If you want to convey that a character abruptly stopped speaking, use an em dash (—) or a double hyphen (--). Some manuals of style prefer an en dash in such instances, but I suggest sticking to em dashes on this site. And, lastly, if you want to convey that a character shouted, then the dialogue tag saying so and an exclamation mark are more than enough. No need for CAPS and bold lettering.

And that’s pretty much all I wanted to say about this chapter. Anything unclear? Any additional questions?

[PacifistDoodl3r]

10762462
Thank you for some tips and point of view,

However, I chopped up the first day to make it easier to pay attention for those with a short attention span- like myself, to introduce the characters and overall premise. This will happen within the first few chapters. Once the mystery element of the story kicks in, you bet this will explain things in detail (not all the time) and slow down. Coco isn't focusing on her surroundings and prefers short conversations because there's no need for her to be concerned or suspicious of anything yet, later I'll make these small pretty noticeable without directly telling the reader.

But I agree with you, 100%, setting this story like it's in the past is simple and easier to describe... though I feel explaining things as they happen make everything more tense. I'm trying to work on that, don't worry. Sometimes I feel annoyed too.

Speech is a little difficult for me, I'm working solo and wondering how one might talk is coming from one mind. But nobody is good at writing dialogue, it's just too easy to nitpick someone for it but tough to write it yourself.

And you just insulted my flavour of writing- I like hyphens and I enjoy SHOWING THIS AS SHOUTING! No other writing site I use gave me this feature.

I've changed how I write enough. I'm tired of altering how I make stories to please people, I'm going to stand out instead of being a doormat to critics. Will it effect my likes/dislikes ratio because I've disappointed someone. Yes. But I don't want to lose my writing identity and style.

“I'd rather die standing then live kneeling”

You already made a longer review than I hoped. This tells me I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I will be a failed author writing stories that nobody reads; just know, I'm going to be proud while doing that. Thank you for taking the time to help me.

edit:
I will take what you said to consideration, and try to do things your way but make it comfortable to me