Crime and Punishment
Chapter 4
Anon's eyes flutter as the sun rises on another beautiful day in Equestria. The sun's rays shone on his face as they did every morning, except the rays were painfully bright today. Thunder Clap is still in Anon's arms, although Anon can't remember how he got there. A headache begins pounding in the front of Anon's head. Anon groans as he realizes that he has a hangover. Not the worst hangover he's had, but it's still pretty bad. Anon tries to roll over, but something is holding him in place. He assumes it's the alcohol that is still affecting his motor skills. Anon tries rolling over again. This time something groans next to him. It's a feminine groan, more than likely belonging to a mare. Anon looks under the covers and sees two white legs wrapped around his torso. Anon jerks around to see which mare is in bed with him. He comes face-to-face with Princess Celestia. Shock fills Anon's body.
"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!" Anon screams.
He dives out of bed and scoots backward until his back is against the wall. Thunder Clap falls on the floor. Princess Celestia sits up when Anon screams. Her horn is lit up. She whips her head back and forth, searching for the danger.
"What is it, Anon? What's going on?" Celestia asks.
"What the hell are you doing in my bed?!" Anon shouts.
Celestia's yellow aura disappears around her horn.
"You asked me if I'd stay with you until you fell asleep. I decided it couldn't hurt to stay the night with you. Do you remember last night?"
"No. My headache and sensitivity to light tell me I was drunk off my ass."
"You were."
"That explains why I can't remember jack shit about last night. The last thing I remember is sitting on the couch talking to you. Everything after that is vague and blurry." Anon stands up and rubs his head. "You want some breakfast? I've got some leftover fruit salad, and I think I have some coffee grounds left."
"I've already taken care of that for you. I sent a message to Twilight early this morning saying that you and I will come to breakfast."
Anon furrows his eyebrows. "And she's okay with this, especially with a last-minute notice?"
"I'm sure she is."
"Knowing Twilight, she's probably in panicky, OCD mode right now."
"That's Twilight."
"Umm...could you step out so I can change for breakfast?"
Princess Celestia uses her magic to wear her royal regalia and leaves the bedroom. She closes the door behind her. Anon groans as he rubs his head. He slowly removes his sleeping clothes and puts on his work clothes, even though he isn't going to work. As usual, Anon straps on his KA-BAR knife. Then, he makes his bed and lays Thunder Clap on his pillow. Anon walks into the living room. Celestia is standing there patiently.
"Are you ready to go?" Anon asks Celestia. The alicorn princess nods her head. Anon grabs some money from his jar and pockets it.
The two friends leave Anon's house and walk toward Ponyville. As they walk into town, some ponies stare as their goddess of a princess walks by with Anon. Others bow before the Princess. Celestia nods politely every once in a while to acknowledge their offering of reverence. The constant looks that the two are bothering Anon. The reason is that he feels like some of those looks are negative ones. Does he blame them for that? Nope. They consider that Anon mistreated many of them in the first few months. Although, he's tried reestablishing his social stance. Most of the ponies accepted it, while others didn't. To keep his mind off of the looks of the town's ponies, Anon makes small talk with Princess Celestia.
"So...umm...did I make any other requests in my drunken stupor?" Anon asks nervously. "Just mention the ones that are appropriate to say in public."
"You didn't ask me to do anything like that. The only request you made was for me to sing you a lullaby," Celestia replies.
"Could you say, not sing, the lyrics? Just the first verse."
As Princess Celestia says the lyrics, Anon thinks back to last night. The song is familiar, but not because he remembers Celestia singing it. The lyrics remind him of a song from back home. A Christmas carol, to be exact. The way Celestia says the verse flicks on a proverbial lightbulb in Anon's head.
"That song reminds me of a song we sang at Christmas. The holiday is similar to Hearth's Warming," Anon says when Celestia finishes.
"I remember."
"The carol is called Silent Night. It was one of my friend's favorite Christmas carols."
"Could you sing it to me?" Celestia asks.
"You don't want to hear me sing. Combine an out-of-tune saxophone with a little filly screaming. You'll get what I sound like," Anon states.
"Please, Anon," pleads Celestia. She sounds like a foal begging for candy. Some of the ponies look in their direction, which causes Anon to blush.
"Tia, no," Anon says sternly.
"Please."
Anon finds this very uncharacteristic of Celestia. She typically doesn't beg. If anything, she never does. Hell, she's a fucking princess. Of course, she doesn't need to pray. One wave of her hoof and a servant or guard performing the requested task.
"Please, Anon. Do it for me."
"Fuck me," he grumbles. "Fine, but don't make a huge deal about it."
Princess Celestia nods her head.
Anon takes a deep breath. It's been years since he has sung. He knows he's no Michael Jackson or Rick Astley, but he tries his best.
"Silent night, holy night. All is calm, and all is bright. Round yon virgin, mother and child. Holy infant, so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace, ooh. Sleep, sleep in heaven, heavenly peace."
Celestia is speechless. The song did seem like a Hearth's Warming carol. A smile creeps up her face.
"That was..." Celestia can't find a word to describe the song to Anon.
"Shit?"
"No. It was beautiful."
"The song or me singing?"
"The song. It was soothing and had a lullaby feel to it."
"I guess it did."
The pair reach Twilight's castle. Anon opens the large doors and lets Princess Celestia walk in first. They walk through the crystalline halls until they get to the dining hall. Starlight Glimmer and Spike are setting up the table while Twilight ensures everything is perfect. They don't even notice that Anon and Celestia have arrived. It's only when Anon loudly clears his throat that Twilight sees them.
"Oh...Princess Celestia. I didn't see you there," she says nervously as she approaches.
"It's okay, Twilight. Do what you need to do to finish," Celestia reassures.
"Please, have a seat anywhere you'd like. We are about done."
Celestia walks over to a chair already pulled out and sits down.
"What the hell, Twilight? You act like if you make one little mistake, Princess Celestia will send you to the boiler room of Tartarus. We make mistakes, damn it. It's not like we're perfect."
"Easy for you to say," Twilight says as he trots off.
Anon walks after her. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"When a civilian of Equestria, such as yourself, makes a mistake, no one bats an eye. When I make a mistake, it's on the front page of the darn newspaper."
"Big deal, Twilight. I'm pretty sure Princess Celestia has made more mistakes than you have. Times a billion. Plus, this is a private meeting, not a fucking gala or social convention with the purple collar shitholes in Canterlot."
"I'm sure she has made her mistakes, but making sure every detail is perfect, is just who I am. You can be sweet, loving, and caring or a self-reliant jerk."
Anon laughs as he sits down in a chair next to Princess Celestia.
"I'll take that as a compliment. Thanks."
"It's an observation, Anon, but you do you."
When Twilight is just out of earshot, Anon scoots closer to Celestia.
"Does she ever lighten up?" he asks.
"Just let her do her thing, Anon. Striving for perfection is one of her better qualities."
"It just makes her OCD as hell. Besides, I don't strive for perfection and am doing okay."
"Says the one who complains when the wrong amount of coffee is put into a bourbon to make that drink you have every so often."
Anon raises his index finger and opens his mouth to say something witty, but he can only agree with her. Too much coffee overpowers the taste of whiskey.
"Touche."
Then, Starlight uses magic to teleport five plates, with two large pancakes, in front of each pony—person, in Anon's case. Anon's stomach grumbles as the scent of the pancakes fills his nostrils. He grabs the tub of butter and uses the butter knife to spread it on both pancakes. After he butters his pancakes, he hands the butter to Princess Celestia. Anon pours warm syrup over the pancakes until a thick layer is on the plate. Celestia uses magic to set a glass of orange juice next to Anon. He smiles to thank her. Soon Spike, Twilight, and Starlight are seated and begin fixing their breakfast.
Everyone eats in silence until Twilight decides to make conversation.
"So, Anon, tell us about your big rescue yesterday. From your point of view, of course," Twilight says excitedly.
Anon looks up from his meal and gives Twilight a confused look.
"Who told you about that?" he asks with his mouthful.
"Rarity told me about it. Sweetie Belle told her when she got home."
"I'm sure Rarity gave you the unexaggerated details ."
"What do you mean by 'unexaggerated'?" Starlight asks.
"Children tend to exaggerate rather exciting stories."
"He's not wrong," Spike adds.
"It's about someone around here agreeing with me," Anon grumbles. "I wouldn't have to risk my neck in the first place if those fillies weren't dared to try to cross those rapids."
"Rarity mentioned that somepony dared them to do that but not who," Twilight says.
"Diamond Tiara dared them."
Twilight's eyes widened. "She dared them?"
"Yep. I was going to have a little talk with her sometime today," Anon says.
"I meant to continue our conversation from last night about your confrontation. Since you don't remember much, I'll give you a refresher on my opinion," Celestia announces. "It would be wise to have Filthy Rich, or I accompany you, perhaps even Twilight. It's not that I don't trust that you can confront her alone, but it would be best if we were there."
"Meaning you don't want me to lose my temper on the filly and lose my somewhat renewed credibility?" Anon asks as he picks up his glass of juice.
"Well... for lack of better-"
Anon raises his hand to interrupt Celestia. "Don't beat around the bush, Celestia. I'm straightforward with you; you can be straightforward with me."
Celestia sighs. "I'm afraid you'll do something that you'll regret. I'm not saying you would, but I don't want to risk it."
"That seems fair enough. Regarding approaching her, I'd like to discuss a plan with her father. Whether or not he agrees to the plan is up in the air."
"Filthy Rich may be rich, but he's pretty reasonable. He's one of the nicer stallions," Starlight Glimmer adds.
"That makes things easier," Anon says as he puts a piece of pancake in his mouth.
As they continue eating breakfast, the group plans to confront Diamond Tiara about her dare. Much to everyone's surprise, Anon takes charge of the planning. He even requests a pen and paper. He writes down everyone's roles, the plan phases, and the questions that Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, and Anon will ask Diamond Tiara. Celestia notices that Anon has a look on his face that is familiar to her. It's calm and calculated. It's not a look that Anon has used, but one used by her officers in the Solar and Royal Guard. His tone is neutral, like her officers, and he doesn't raise his voice. Celestia admits that she enjoys seeing this side of Anon.
Eventually, the group irons out the wrinkles in the plan. Anon goes over the plan several times until everyone is familiar with it. Once they finish that, everyone does their part to help clean up. Anon is wiping the table when he hears a pony trot up behind him. He's surprised to see Twilight standing beside him. She doesn't say anything until Anon finishes his job.
"That was some pretty impressive planning back there," she says.
"It was nothing," Anon replies as he leans against the table and crosses his arms.
"Where did you learn to plan like that? You looked like one of Princess Celestia's generals, or so she tells me."
"Back home, some of my friends and I used to play a game called airsoft," Anon explains. "Airsoft is a competitive team game that involves shooting other teams with spherical plastic pellets via airsoft guns."
"What's an airsoft gun?"
"It's a weapon, not a real weapon, that fires those plastic pellets using either compressed carbon dioxide or a spring. Some guns can fire several hundred rounds a minute, while others fire one pellet at a time. Some teams will buy military-grade equipment as attachments for their weapons, such as clothing or electronic sights for the guns. Anyway, my team took this game seriously. We had a professional player train us for the big events. He let us use his equipment until we could purchase our own. He'd teach us drills, maneuvers, and hand signals that we use in 'battle.' The team and I won a few tournaments. One of the things he taught us was to create a battle plan. We'd look at the playing field and the opposing team or teams. During the actual fight, we would adjust the plan. What interested me was that many things he taught us could apply to real life. Battle planning is a good example, not hand signals or maneuvers. I learned how to formulate a plan in almost every aspect of my life. As you can more than likely tell, I still need work. When I started working as a landscaper, I would draw up how my coworkers would start, who had which jobs, and how fast we should go."
"I would've never guessed that about you."
"The airsoft training was essential for my best friend and me. We have wanted to join the Army ever since we were boys. We went as far as taking martial arts at a young age. When we played airsoft, it was like actual combat," Anon continues.
"You wanted to join the military?"
Anon nods his head. "My knife is a military knife. I bought it when I was a teenager. It's 11 and seven-eighths inches long and made of stainless steel. It was designed and used about...eighty years ago in a world war. My obsession with the military went to where I'd buy military weapons."
Anon pulled his knife from its sheath and flipped it into a reverse grip. Anon had flipped over the knife so quickly that Twilight only saw a black blur. He holds it out, hilt first. Twilight uses her magic to look at the knife closely. After closely examining it, Twilight gives it back to Anon. He slides his knife back into the sheath.
"It's a beautiful knife," Twilight compliments.
"Courtesy of the United States Marine Corps," Anon responds.
"What is a marine corps."
"It is one of our military branches. It is the smallest but toughest."
"That branch sounds like the Royal Guard. They only have 30,000 stallions and mares. The number is so small because the training is so difficult."
"Holy shit, that's small. The Marine Corps has over 180,000 members. That is only active members. How many troops are in the Equestria Armed Forces?"
Twilight rubs her chin. She thinks back to one of Princess Celestia's reports that she read in Canterlot a few months ago. It had a yearly budget and things like that. However, included in the report was the number of troops in the Solar, Lunar, and Royal Guards.
"The Solar Guard has over 1 million troops. The Lunar Guard has over 800,000. The reserves have 2 million troops that rotate every three to four months, which come out to 4.1 million troops in the EAF," Twilight recalls. "Princess Celestia probably could give you a more current and accurate amount.
"You have a lot of troops in your military. More than the country I lived in back home."
"Have you considered joining the guard? To...you know...fulfill your dream?
"Nope."
"Why?" Anon's face shifts from interest to his infamous blank stare.
"None of your business."
Anon waves his hand dismissively. He walks over to the door that leads to the hallway. Twilight shakes her head in disappointment. She thought she was finally getting Anon to open up to her. She concludes she unintentionally opened an old wound of his—one of many that remain behind his large wall of stubbornness and pain. Twilight sighs as she turns to walk into the kitchen.
Poor Anon, Twilight thinks to herself, No pony should have to go through that much pain.
Anon walks down the street in silence. Anger courses through his body like poison. He's not mad at Twilight for asking a seemingly intrusive question. The question just opened an old wound that never really healed.
Joining the Army was Anon's dream since childhood with his best friend, Brandon Caldwell. They had talked about it for years on end. Anon's parents didn't want him to join because they thought it was a job for talentless bums only who use the military as a last resort. Anon never joined because his parents convinced the enlistment officer that he had lied about his age on the form. When Anon tried to prove he was of age, his driver's license went missing. Anon knew his parents had something to do with his lost license; He didn't have proof.
He walks until he reaches Hard Cider's Watering Hole. The tavern was open during the day but saw most of its customers at night, especially on the weekends. Anon pushes the doors open and walks in. Only four ponies are inside. None of them sit at the bar, leaving Hard Cider by himself. He sits on a stool with a copy of the Ponyville Express in front of him. A caramel-colored aura surrounds the paper. Hard Cider notices Anon sitting down not too far from him. He sets down the newspaper and walks over to the seemingly depressed human.
"Hey, there, Anon. It's a surprise to see you here," Hard Cider greets. The middle-aged bartender reminds Anon of an Old West saloon bartender.
"I just need a drink," Anon says.
"Okay, then. I assume you want your usual."
"Nah. I'll take something different."
"Okay," Hard Cider chuckles. "What will it be?"
"Scotch and coffee, please. Half and half."
"Gentlecolt's Whiskey, coming right up."
Hard Cider prepares the drinks as Anon waits patiently. He takes a bottle of scotch and pours it into a metal cup. Then, he pours freshly brewed coffee into the cup with the scotch. Hard Cider uses his magic to shake the two liquids together. Once the drink is appropriately mixed, Hard Cider pours it into a medium-sized glass. He uses magic to set three ice cubes into the glass as a final touch.
"Enjoy," Hard Cider says.
Anon picks up the glass and takes a sip. He lets the caffeinated alcohol sit in his mouth to take in the combination of flavors. Eventually, he swallows the whiskey. He takes a few more sips in silence. Hard Cider notices Anon is staring blankly at the rows of whiskey, wine, and whatnot. When Anon does this at the bar, it typically means he is deep in thought. So, Hard Cider pours a small glass of scotch and sits just to the right of Anon.
"A bit for your thoughts, my friend?" Hard Cider asks kindly.
Anon swallows another sip of his drink before he speaks. "Did your parents ever go to extreme lengths to prevent you from doing something you wanted? Like preventing you from doing your dream job or something like that."
Hard Cider took a sip of his scotch. "If I'm being honest, yeah. I'll tell you about it if you got time."
"Got plenty of time," Anon says as he sips his drink.
"I grew up in Appleoosa, you see. As you can probably guess, I was around saloons quite a bit. My grandpa owned one north of where I lived. He ran it with his brother. My uncles, each owned a saloon in the surrounding towns. My older cousin even owns a brewery. Long story short, I came from a family of barkeepers. When Pa married Ma and had me, they wanted me to be a respectable, responsible, and upstanding citizen. As you can tell, Pa never stepped hoof in a bar. They flipped out when I expressed my interest in joining the family business. They thought they hadn't taught me well enough, so my parents forced me to enlist in the Solar Guard. I had never been away from Appleoosa, so imagine I was afraid when I arrived in Canterlot to train."
"I never knew you were a soldier."
"Not many folks do. Most are too drunk to notice or care. After my two-year contract, I eventually re-enlisted to be in the Royal Guard after being a Solar Guardspony."
Hard Cider used his magic to levitate a picture frame on the back counter over to Anon. Anon takes the picture and sees Hard Cider, dressed in the Royal Guard armor, with his leg around another stallion. Both of them are laughing at something. In the background stood what looked like an officer. Anon could tell it was an officer because the blue plume was longer in the back, much like Spartan officers.
"Who was this guy?" Anon asks as he points at the stallion next to Hard Cider.
"That was Sergeant Greaves. Bronze Greaves was his real name. He was my best friend since basic training," Hard Cider responds.
"And who is this?" Anon points to the officer.
"Ah, that's Captain Spear Shaft. He was my commanding officer. Cap is now General of the Equestria Armed Forces."
"So, how did you end up doing your dream job?"
Hard Cider refills his glass. "One day, thirty years ago, there was an attack at the castle. Queen Chrysalis of the Changelings sent ten drones to kill Princess Celestia. My squad was dispatched to defend the throne room where Princess Celestia was barricaded. Those insect bastards came at us with their swords drawn. They killed three of my squadmates almost right off the bat. We managed to kill eight of them. I thought we had them. Then, one rushed forwards when I wasn't paying attention. Bronze Greaves jumped in front of the sword and got stabbed in the chest. The other changeling slashed my front right leg and damaged it pretty damn badly. My squadmates managed to kill those bastards before they could finish me off. Because of my injury, I was honorably and medically discharged and started my business not long afterward."
"What happened to Sergeant Greaves?" Anon asks, already knowing the answer.
"He died in my hooves. I still see his lifeless eyes and his blood in my dreams. Before he died, he said one word that has stuck with me ever since. Bronze Greaves said, 'Axios.' It means-"
"I am worthy."
Hard Cider cracks a smile. "How did you know that?"
"It was used as a battle cry in a movie I watched as a teenager."
"Is that a fact? It's the Equestria Armed Forces battle cry."
"What are the chances?"
Anon finishes his drink. The two sit in silence until Anon stands up. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a few bits.
"Thanks for the drink. How much will it be?"
"It's on the house, Anon."
"You don't have to do that, man."
"I want to. You are a good friend, and friends do this thing together."
"I guess they do."
Anon waves, leave the tavern, and walks out into the sunshine. He looks up at the sun. By the sun's position, Anon knows it is around ten o'clock. Anon decided to start Phase 1 of the plan a little early. So, he begins walking toward the Rich Family Mansion. The mansion is on the other side of Ponyville. It's not too far from the tavern. Plus, it sticks out among the wooden houses that make up most of Ponyville, making it easy to spot. It's not long before Anon reaches the mansion.
He knocks on the large oak door. A few moments later, the door opens. At the door is Diamond Tiara herself. Next to her is her equally spoiled friend, Silver Spoon. Anon does not show his disgust for Diamond Tiara, so he puts on a fake smile.
"Can we help you?" Diamond Tiara asks, sounding like Anon's arrival was inconveniencing her.
"I need to speak with your father. Is he around?" Anon explains.
"Sure." Diamond Tiara turns her head. "DAD!! THE TALL GREEN MONKEY WANTS TO TALK TO YOU!!"
"I have a name, you know," Anon says as he rubs his ear.
"It's Annie, right?"
"My name is Anonymous. Some ponies call me Anon." Anon grumbles.
"That's it. I was close, though."
Then, Filthy Rich walks up behind his daughter. He gives a professional smile when he sees Anon.
"Anonymous. It's good to see you."
"You, too, Mr. Filthy."
"Please call me Mr. Rich. Come on in."
Diamond Tiara opens the door so that Anon can walk through the doorway.
"Mocosa estropeada," (Spoiled brat) Anon grumbles as he walks through the door.
Filthy Rich leads Anon through the grand halls of the mansion. Every once in and while, there is a painting or a bust of a patriarch of the Rich family. A staircase leading to the second floor is at the end of the hallway. Filthy Rich and Anon walk up the stairs and onto the second floor. They eventually arrive at Filthy Rich's office, which was the first door they came to.
The office is smaller than Anon expected it to be. It looks like an everyday office. A desk, a filing cabinet, a large window with a decent view, and a family photo. Anon sits in one of the chairs before Filthy Rich's desk.
Filthy Rich opens a drawer and pulls out a large bottle of scotch and two glasses. He pours some into each glass. They toast to good health and take a sip.
"Wow. This is good scotch," Anon says. "What's the brand?"
"Canterlot Regal Caramel Scotch. These go for at least 100 bits a bottle," Filthy Rich answers.
"What the hell? That's expensive. A cheap bottle goes for at least 50."
"I guess that's why they call scotch Rich Pony's Whiskey."
"I usually drink scotch with coffee, so I don't bankrupt myself."
"That's a good drink right there. Gentlecolt's whiskey is favorite, alongside bourbon, wine, and champagne."
They knock back a few more sips of their drinks until Filthy Rich breaks the silence.
"So what do I owe the pleasure, Anonymous?" Filthy Rich asks.
Anon sighs. "I came here in regards to Diamond Tiara."
"What about her?"
Anon tells Filthy Rich about the dare. Filthy Rich's face goes from entertained to concerned. He can't believe this story. He won't believe it. There is no way in Tartarus that his daughter would dare three other fillies to cross rapids. Indeed, not the rapids that he's thinking of.
"And which rapids are you referring to?"
"The rapids one-hundred yards from my house."
"Oh, Gates of Tartarus. Those rapids are called Timberwolf Rapids because not even a timberwolf will cross those."
"If you don't believe me, ask Princess Celestia; she'll tell you."
"P...Pr...Princess Celestia?" Fear spreads across his face.
"Yep. I dislocated my fucking foot trying to get back to shore after saving Sweetie Belle, and Princess Celestia was the one who put my foot back in place."
"Oh, Keepers of Equestria. Have mercy on me," Filthy Rich whispers.
Anon explains the plan he came up with to Filthy Rich. When Anon asks if the plan is a good idea, Filthy Rich agrees. Without hesitation, as well. He even asked to be involved. A sadistic grin creeps across Anon's face as he finally sips his scotch.
"When there's a crime, there's punishment," Anon whispers.
At about three o'clock in the afternoon, Diamond Tiara walks into the schoolhouse. She had received a note that told her to go to the schoolhouse. It is entirely dark except for the low sunlight coming through the windows. She sees Anon sitting at Ms. Cheerilee's desk, with his feet propped up on it, and reading a book. There is a lamp on the desk, as well. In front of the desk is one of the student desks. Anon lowers the book as soon as Diamond Tiara approaches.
"Diamond Tiara, I've been expecting you," Anon says coldly.
"You wrote that note telling me to come here?" she asks.
"Guilty as charged. Have a seat." Anon motions a the desk in front of him.
Diamond Tiara sits at the student desk.
"I don't like beating around the bush, so I'll get straight to the point," Anon announces. "I know about the dare, Diamond Tiara."
"Dare? I don't know about any dare," Diamond Tiara says innocently.
"Don't give me that crap."
"I assure you I don't know anything about a dare."
"Sweetie Belle told me everything yesterday. She told me that you dared her and her friends to cross some rapids."
"Sweetie Belle only told you that because she and her friends have it out for me. Even if I dared them to cross Timberwolf Rapids, I would've gone to see them cross."
Anon takes his feet off the desk and leans forward. A blank stare is on his face. The lamplight makes the look all the more threatening.
"If you didn't know about the dare, how did you know they went specifically to Timberwolf Rapids rather than the other three rapids in the area?" Anon sneers.
Diamond Tiara recognizes that she slipped up. She tries to justify it. However, nothing intelligible comes out. The only thing Diamond Tiara does is stutter. Anon notices tiny droplets of sweat forming on Diamond Tiara's forehead. This is too amusing for Anon.
"Heard enough?" Anon asks, louder than usual.
Much to Diamond Tiara's surprise, Princess Celestia, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and her dad appear out of nowhere. Thanks to a powerful invisibility spell, they went unnoticed during the conversation.
"Quite," Princess Celestia responds sternly. She doesn't have her motherly grin on her face. You get a look when you are about to get yelled at.
"Diamond, how could you ?" Filthy Rich asks.
"I...I...I." she stutters.
"Diamond Tiara, what in Equestria were you thinking? Those rapids are hazardous. Not even timberwolves will cross it. There is a reason why they're called that," Twilight says.
"I didn't think they'd do it."
"How about this? Don't think. You aren't good at it," Anon retorts.
"Anonymous, please be quiet," Celestia orders. "Diamond Tiara, you directly jeopardized the lives of the Cutie Mark Crusaders because of a dare. You also indirectly endangered the life of Anonymous as he risked his life to save Sweetie Belle. This is a crime that can't go unpunished.
There is a moment of silence. Then, Diamond Tiara jumps from the chair and clasps her hooves together as if praying. She begins to cry, much to Anon's amusement.
"Please don't send me to Tartarus! Please! I'll scrub your floors! I'll wash your windows! I'll do anything!" she wails.
"Anything?" Anon asks, raising one eyebrow.
"Yes, anything!"
Anon rubs his beard in thought. "How about this? You'll clean my house every weekend for six months. I'm not talking about smearing dust everywhere and calling it clean. I'm talking about deep spring cleaning. Or Tirek could use a cellmate in Tartarus."
"I'll clean. I'll clean. You can have the Royal Guard or Princess Luna watch me," Diamond Tiara says quickly.
"Seems fair to me. It's a deal."
Anon stands up. Filthy Rich and Diamond Tiara leave the schoolhouse.
"I say that went better than I expected," Anon states.
"I would say so, too," Twilight agrees.
"Anon, I thought we agreed on the punishment that she would attend friendship lessons with Twilight," Celestia says. "Why the change in punishment."
"She would fake it 'till she makes it and will do something worse than a dare. Remembering aching muscles tend to prevent further transgressions."
"Why does that sound like you are speaking from experience?" Twilight asks.
Anon furrows his eyebrows as another bad memory resurfaces. "Because it is." He curses his parents silently.
He walks out of the schoolhouse; Princess Celestia and Twilight follow him. Anon begins walking towards his house.
"Where are you going?" Celestia asks.
"I'm going to read for a couple of hours; then I'm going to the bar."
"Didn't you already go Friday night?" Twilight asks.
Anon's hardened expression lightened up a bit as he cracked a half-smile. "I'm going to have celebratory drinks with a friend."
It is eight-thirty at night. Anon sits at the bar with Hard Cider, sharing a bottle of scotch. They have shared stories from their childhood and teenage years for the past two hours. At some points, they laugh themselves to tears. Hard Cider now shares a story from his days as a Royal Guardspony.
"Bronze Greaves and I slipped into formation just as Princess Celestia walked through the columns of guards. Captain Spear Shaft is behind her. She stops in front of our squad and looks down at us. As she does this, she says, 'It just keeps getting bigger and bigger.' She was referring to the Royal Guard, you understand. Then, of all the times he has to say this, Bronze Greaves says, 'That's what she said.' Out loud, in front of the Princess."
Anon laughs his heart out. He loves a classic "That's what she said." joke.
"I don't know how, but everyone stifled a laugh. One of the lieutenants in my regiment turned deep red, trying to hold it in. I was having the same problem. Cap turns deep red for another reason. What made it even better was Princess Celestia chuckled to herself. Honest to Tartarus, I didn't expect that."
"What happened to Greaves after that incident?"
"Cap ripped him a new one after the inspection. I've never heard him yell that loud before. The only reason Bronze Greaves didn't get demoted was that Princess Celestia had chuckled at the joke, which the Princess later confirmed."
"What was your rank before you were discharged?" Anon asks.
"Sergeant First Class."
"That's a pretty high rank for a non-com."
"Kiss the right ass. You'll get promoted."
Anon furrows his eyebrows in confusion. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Since Equestria hadn't been in a war in 1,000 years, getting promoted became difficult. So we had to do some extra favors to get promoted."
"Like what? Sucking off your commanding officers?"
Hard Cider almost chokes on his drink. "Hell no. More like extra guard duty, shining the CO's armor or sharpening their sword. That sort of thing."
"Oh, that sort of favor. Who became Captain after Spear Shaft?"
"A mare named Sword Hilt. An old friend, who stayed in for decades after I left, told me she was worse than Spear Shaft and several others who came after. The only bearable captain that came through was Shining Armor."
"I've heard of him."
"This old buddy of mine said that Shining Armor took his job seriously, but not too seriously. Pretty strange considering that he came out of the top of his class in the Royal Academy and Royal Guard training. I heard that he'd crack a few jokes here and there. He'd down a few beers with the boys, too. However, the drinking died when Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, or Cadence, became his marefriend.
"Women do have that effect on us. Well, mares in your case."
"You're not wrong. I used to get hammered with Bronze Greaves almost every weekend. After he began seeing that thestral and I started dating a noble pony's daughter, we hardly touched alcohol."
"I didn't know you were a lady's stallion."
"Mares love a stallion in uniform."
"Who was the lucky mare?" Anon smiles jokingly as Hard Cider tops off Anon's drink.
"Twilight Velvet."
"Who's that?"
"Princess Twilight's mother," Hard Cider grumbles.
Anon laughs. "You dated Twilight's mother?! How did you break up?"
"The classic 'It's not you, it's me' routine. That was her way of saying she was making eyes at another stallion, her current husband."
"Sorry to hear that. Hope it got better."
"It did. When I was discharged from the Royal Guard, I moved to Manehattan. I met a young mare, had two foals, and opened a bar downtown. After my wife passed away, my kids and I split. I drifted all over Equestria until I laid eyes on this building. As the saying goes, the rest is history."
"Good history, in my opinion."
Anon finishes his drink in one swig. He can feel his senses getting slightly duller but doesn't care. It's the end of the weekend, for crying out loud. Hard Cider fills up Anon's glass with the last of the scotch. In doing so, Hard Cider changes to a new topic.
"How are you and the Princess?" Hard Cider asks.
"How did you know about that?" Anon replies.
"I can see her when she flies down here. She never goes to Twilight's castle, so I assume she goes to your place. So, are you two seeing each other?"
"Sorry for the disappointment, but no. We're just friends."
"That's what I'd say, too."
"C'mon, man. The species barrier is kind of...frightening to me."
"Frightening? I thought the great Anonymous wasn't afraid of anything." Hard Cider laughs.
"Anything relating to women is scary. You wonder why I'm single."
"You wouldn't be if you'd look around and climb that barrier. I know a few mares that would love to be your special somepony."
"Like who?" Anon is skeptical
Hard Cider rubs his chin with his hoof. "Rarity is one."
"She always gawks at every other stallion that walks her way," Anon grumbles.
"Ms. Cheerilee is another. From what I hear."
"Not my type."
"Okay, now you're being difficult on purpose, Anon. Give a mare a chance."
"Women aren't my area of expertise, so excuse me for being unprepared to branch out into a different species."
Deep down, Anon knows that Hard Cider is suitable. Anon had noticed a few mares giving him second glances over the past few months. Some more than others. Has he had the thought of dating a mare crossed his mind? Sure, but his past experiences with women lingered. However, there are a few mares that are head-turners. Surprisingly, Rarity was one of them.
Rarity is exceptionally generous. When Anon tore a hole into his pants, Rarity offered to sew up the hole. When Anon needed sleeping wear, Rarity made silky shorts for Anon. Eventually, Anon found himself spending time with Rarity and putting up with her consistently submitting "marefriend" applications. All in all, Rarity is a very kind and sweet pony. However, Anon prefers a girl who doesn't spend forever in front of a mirror, checking their completion, as he mentioned to Spike several weeks ago.
Cheerilee, on the other hand, is a mare that Anon found bearable. She is attentive when Anon talks about the human race at school. She laughs at the funny stories that Anon tells about his childhood. Cheerilee reminds Anon of a teacher he had in middle and high school. But, there is one thing that concerns him. Anon had set an age limit that he was comfortable with. Fifteen years of age difference isn't within those limits.
"Hey, Anon. I didn't mean to get on you about finding a marefriend. I don't want you to miss opportunities that are right in front of you. I've done that too often, and I don't want you to make the same mistake," Hard Cider says.
"You were trying to help a friend out. I don't blame you for that," Anon replies. He takes a long swig of his scotch.
When he sets his glass down, he hears the sound of horse hooves clopping up behind home. Anon turns his head to see who it is. It's Fluttershy. She sits on the stool next to Anon. She has a somber look and is almost sad—hard Cider steps over a bit to help Fluttershy.
"Hello, Fluttershy. Is there something I can get you?" he asks.
"Uh...a glass of Manehattan Wine would be fine," Fluttershy replies softly.
She leaves the bar and sits at a table about fifteen feet away. Hard Cider uses magic to pull a glass from the counter and a bottle of wine. He pours the wine until the glass is three-quarters full. Hard Cider takes the glass over to Fluttershy. Anon watches her for a moment before returning to his drink. He has a concerned look on his face.
"Does she comes in here often?" Anon asks, pointing his thumb at Fluttershy as Hard Cider walks back behind the bar.
"Only when she's depressed," Hard Cider replies as a matter of factly. "Last time she came in was the day before you arrived."
"I didn't know she even drank."
"Neither did I until Fluttershy first came in here."
"When was that?" Anon asks as he sips his drink.
"It was right after the Grand Galloping Gala a few years ago. She came in here looking like somepony had killed her demon of a rabbit. Said something about not being able to make more animal friends."
"That sounds like something she would be depressed about."
Then, the bar doors slam open. It startles Anon; he whips around and reaches for his knife. Four griffins stroll in, laugh at something, and sit at a table. A female griffin raises her index talon to get Hard Cider's attention. Hard Cider grumbles something under his breath.
"Hey, barkeep! A round of the strongest vodka you've got, and bring the bottle too!" she shouts in a raspy voice. "The first bottle is on me, boys!"
"That's what I'm fucking talking about, Gail!" one of the other griffins shouts.
Hard Cider uses his magic to levitate a bottle of vodka from the top shelf. Then, he levitates four shot glasses off of the counter. After he fills the glasses, he takes them and the bottle to the awaiting griffins. They rudely thank Hard Cider and begin knocking back shots of vodka. Hard Cider walks back to the counter with an agitated glare.
"If there are one species I dislike more than changelings, it's griffins," Hard Cider states angrily.
"Besides being loud and obnoxious, what's so bad about them?"
"They think they are the dominant species on the planet. Griffins are known to push ponies around to prove it. If anything, minotaurs are more dominant than both of us. Even though they are brutes."
Hard Cider and Anon try their best to ignore the griffins. Other ponies try to get the griffins to be quieter but to no avail. As the night drags on, Anon becomes more and more tempted to drag the catbirds out of the tavern. However, he doesn't want to cause trouble or start an all-out bar fight. Those usually end with someone spending a few days in the hospital.
Eventually, the griffins begin harassing the ponies. The ponies tell them to "fuck off" or "buzz off." The only pony not to stick up for itself is Fluttershy. The griffins say things to her that not even Anon would say. Soon, Fluttershy begins to cry as the insults keep on flowing. Fluttershy's cries make the griffins mock and tease her even more. This pisses Anon off. Anger courses through his veins, and his body burns with rage. Anon may not like Fluttershy that much, but kicking her while she is down is crossing the line. Hard Cider sees the fury in Anon's eyes. He knows what Anon is about to do.
"Whatever you do, don't kill anypony in the bar. Blood isn't exactly easy to clean up," Hard Cider pleads.
Anon takes one last swig of his scotch. "I'll try."
He walks up to the griffins as they continue insulting Fluttershy. They don't notice even when Anon stands there for a moment. When Anon loudly clears his throat, the griffins stop insulting Fluttershy and turn around.
"Can we help you?" Gail asks, slightly annoyed.
"Lay off the mare. She's having a bad day," Anon replies oddly.
"What are you, the bouncer?" one of the other griffins asks.
"Maybe. Now, leave the mare alone. She hasn't done shit to either of you, so you have no reason to treat her like a pile of dogshit."
Gail stands up on her hind legs. She uses her tail to support herself. She crosses her arms and tries to make herself look bigger than she is. She even puffs out her chest. The only problem is that she is seven inches shorter and not as well-built as Anon is. Now, the bar is silent. It's so quiet that you can hear a quill drop.
"Oh, yeah. Who's going to make me?" she asks.
"I fucking guarantee you don't want to go down that route," Anon snarls.
"I just might, monkey boy."
Gail pushes Anon. He stumbles back a bit. Anon clenches his fists, but he doesn't raise them. Instead, Anon roundhouse kicks Gail in the head. She flies onto a table and breaks it into several pieces.
One of the other griffins stands on his hind legs and joins the fight. He swings at Anon's head, but Anon blocks it with his left arm. Anon punches the griffin in the throat with his other fist, then uppercuts him in the nose using his left hand. The griffin falls to the floor unconscious—one more griffin down.
The other griffin lunges forward and tackles Anon to the floor. The griffin begins punching Anon, but Anon uses his forearms to block the punches. When there is an opening, Anon headbutts the griffin and punches the griffin as hard as he can in the face. Anon uses his legs to launch the griffin into a nearby table, which causes it to break in two. The griffin lies unconscious. Two down, two more to go. Anon stands back up, despite the pain in his lower back.
Gail rejoins the fight with the last remaining griffin, and they advance toward Anon. Anon gets into a fighting stance, ready for the next attack. Gail takes the first swing. Anon promptly ducks and swings back. This time, he punches her beak. Pain shoots through his hand. Gail punches Anon in the stomach. When he doubles over, Gail pushes Anon's face down while she brings up her knee. Blood spurts from his nose as Gail's knee makes contact. Anon tries to get back up, but Gail kicks Anon in the ribs. Anon can barely breathe.
He sees Fluttershy running out of the bar. The other ponies in the bar are cheering. Then, another kick drives into Anon's ribs. He cries out in pain.
"Stay down, motherfucker!" Gail snarls.
"Go to Hell," Anon growls as he tries to get up again.
Hard Cider jumps over the bar with his horn glowing. Surrounded in his caramel-colored aura is his xiphos from his days as a Royal Guardspony. Anon is surprised at this. Hard Cider rears back on his haunches, pointing his sword at Gail.
"Get the hell out of my bar," Hard Cider demands.
"Or what?" Gails says. She backhands Hard Cider across the face. He slams into the bar, and his sword clatters to the ground.
In a burst of rage, Anon stands back up and charges at Gail. She spreads her wings and flies forward. Gail picks up Anon and passes through the bar doors, which broke into several pieces and drives Anon into the street. Gail skids to a halt as Anon tumbles across the ground. He finally stops rolling. Anon stands up and gets into a common karate stance. Blood is dripping from his nose, and some gashes on his body.
"Time to finish this," Gail sneers as she stands up on her hind legs. She pulls out a dagger.
Anon moves his hand down to his knife. He uses this thumb to undo the fastener on his sheath. Then, he pulls out his KA-BAR and gets into a knife-fighting stance used by the Marines. Gail charges forward. She thrusts her dagger at Anon, but he dodges it. As he avoids the blade, he slashes Gail's wing. She groans in pain as she stumbles forward. Anon attacks again and slashes at Gail's chest. He misses, and Gail slices Anon's left arm. Blood begins to seep out of his wound. Anon drops his knife and instinctively uses his right hand to cover his injury. He steps back a little to slowly recover. He waits for Gail to make the next move.
After a few seconds, Gail charges again, but this time she is overconfident in her ability to beat Anon. When she slices at Anon's throat, he skillfully moves out of the way and grabs Gail's wrist. He breaks her wrist, which causes her to drop her dagger, pushing her back. As Gail tries to recover, Anon uppercuts where he believes her diaphragm is. Gail gasps for air. To finish her off, Anon roundhouse kicks Gail in the head. This time, Gail falls to the ground unconscious.
Anon releases a sigh of relief. He turns around to retrieve his knife. As he walks, he hears the pounding of feet behind him. Before he can turn around, the last griffin jumps on Anon's back. Anon tries to get the griffin off his back, so he reaches to grab it—a bad mistake. Anon sees a flash of silver in the moonlight. Then, he feels white-hot pain in his chest. Anon screams as he feels the dagger being pulled from his chest.
The griffin tries to stab Anon again, but Anon grabs the griffin's arm with both hands. He slams the griffin onto the ground. However, the griffin turns over quickly and tackles Anon. The griffin straddles Anon and uses his talons to strangle Anon. A sadistic grin spreads across the griffin's beak.
Anon sees his KA-BAR lying in his peripheral vision, just arm's length away. He sacrifices valuable time that he could spend trying to get the griffin off of him to reach for his knife. Just as the griffin realizes what Anon is doing, it's too late. Anon stabs the griffin through his neck. Blood splatters on Anon's face as the griffin coughs up blood. Anon feels the pressure weaken on his neck, so he pulls out the knife, which causes blood to spray from the griffin's neck, and pushes the lifeless griffin off of him. The griffin falls to the ground, void of all life. Blood is pouring out of his neck.
Anon stands up and places his hand over his stab wound. He pulls it away. His green skin is covered in his blood.
"Well, shit," Anon groans.
Then Anon sees the Mane 6 running down the street towards him. Twilight's horn is glowing, and so is Rarity's horn. When they get closer, Anon can see the looks on their faces. They look concerned, especially when they see Anon covered in blood. Rarity almost throws up at seeing a dead griffin lying on the ground. Anon flashes a weak smile and waves at the Mane 6 before collapsing. Twilight runs over to Anon, and the stab wound almost immediately. She's no doctor, but she can tell it's bad. Twilight cradles Anon as he weakly groans.
"Anon, can you hear me?" Twilight asks. "Please, tell me if you can hear me."
"Get...Hard...Cider. Help him," Anon gasps in reply.
Twilight looks at Applejack. "AJ, go help Hard Cider. He may be hurt."
"Alrighty, Twilight," Applejack replied. She runs into the bar to check on Hard Cider.
Twilight looks back down at Anon. Rainbow Dash, get Nurse Red Heart. Tell her we have a stab victim."
"On my way," Rainbow Dash flies off toward the hospital.
"Rarity and Pinkie Pie, check on the still-alive griffins. They might need help," Twilight orders. The two mares nod their heads and walk over to the unconscious Gail.
Twilight returns her attention to Anon. His eyes are closed. Twilight begins to panic. She tries to wake Anon by shaking him. Anon's eyes open, and he looks at Twilight with a pained look.
"Never thought...I'd go this way," Anon whispers.
"Don't talk like that, Anon. Just keep your eyes open. When we get you to the hospital, the doctors will make you good as new," Twilight reassures. "You'll be back to fixing up Ponyville and making it the most beautiful town in Equestria."
"If that...makes...you feel better."
Anon's eyes shut again. This time Twilight goes into full panic mode. Tears stream down her face as she tries to wake Anon up. This time, his eyes don't open back up.
"Don't die on me, Anon. Please, don't die. Don't die on me, damn it," Twilight cries. "For the love of Princess Celestia, don't die. Please."
Anon opens his eyes, but it's a struggle. He can feel the end getting closer. Anon reaches up and touches Twilight's face. He uses his thumb to wipe away a tear from Twilight's face. He leaves a red streak of blood just below the base of her eye. Anon tries smiling again, but it hurts tremendously.
Twilight notices Anon is trying to say something, so she leans down to hear what Anon is saying. "Death isn't...an...end where...I'm from. It's a...new...beginning," Anon whispers. "Thank you...for being nice...to me...even...when I was...an asshole. It...was actually...something...I enjoyed."
"The pleasure was all mine, Anonymous," Twilight says with a sad smile.
Anon can feel his last moments running out. So with all the strength he has left, he forces out one final word.
"Axios," Anon says as his eyes close.
Then, his hand falls from Twilight's face and lands on the ground.
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Welp, not who I expected to be on the verge of death, but it works.
And holy hell that was a fight from left field. Though the elements are going to be ticked when they find out who the griffons were harassing.
GTFO dodge boiii
Thanks IWA for another great chapter. I wish you the best of luck with your next one, and as always have fun writing.
10837987
You are welcome. The next chapter is well underway.
You spam Name of the MC again if its unnessecary...
Sooo... perhaps as least switch is up... Anon,the human, the Ape of green, the grumpy homosapient etc etc etc...
Celestia didn't have by any chance the name Solar Lance?
Epic fight Griffons about to get there ass kicked in by Celestia. Two words: 'Roasted Catbird's'!
Awesome chapter, though the stupidity of the Griffon offenders is impressive.
How Fluttershy had noone else jump in was rather strange. Literally a national hero and former fashion model.
11786918
Do you know how people like to stand around and watch a fight rather than help out? That's what I was going for.
And I forgot that Fluttershy was a fashion model. It's been a while since I've watched the series. lol