A Final Fireside Chat.
As it turned out, the answer to that question was “quite.”
“Wow,” said Fluttershy simply, her eyes wide in alarm at the sheer scale of the flames pouring out of the former root hollow turned crematorium, the intense heat long since having dried her formerly waterlogged mane. She tucked a run of brown feathers into the band of her hat. It was a little morbid, sure, but hers had gone missing, and she needed to procure a replacement from somewhere.
“’Tis quite impressive, no?” Luna chuckled. “Of course, I must admit that there is some showmareship to this display, but the infernal temperatures generated do serve a pragmatic purpose as well. Bodies are really quite difficult to immolate, as it were, as one must render the bones to a brittle state such that they can be thoroughly mixed into the ash.”
“I’ll, um, keep that in mind next time I, uh, burn a body.”
“‘Tis an important step, and one which many murderers mistakenly omit.” Luna gestured backwards to the corpse of the manticore, who was almost entirely untouched from the incident a few hours earlier. “We must inquire, though, as to why you decided to omit the corpse of your previous quarry from being burned.”
“It’s better for the ecosystem. Plenty of scavengers could use the food, and I’m not trying to, uh, hide that body.”
“Reasonable enough. We must admit it would make for a decent trophy, if one had the stomach for such a display.” Luna frowned slightly. “Although the mane is a mite thin, upon second inspection.”
“It was a juvenile.” Fluttershy pawed at the ground. “Um, so, anyway, are we, uh, that is Rarity and I, um, going to cause an, uh, international incident?”
“Possibly? We must admit we haven’t the slightest idea of the state of diplomacy of the realm, and as such are unaware of any particulars of the relationship between our sister and the ambassador's particular petty kingdom. Of course, knowing griffons, it is equally likely his liege has already been slaughtered by his subjects over some imagined slight whilst he resided here, so the whole ordeal may be moot anyway.” Luna shrugged. “One would be wise to not tell my sister anything regardless. We, for what it is worth, will simply be stating to her that the noblegriffon did venture into the Everfree Forest and never returned thence, and that we suspect he had caused his own demise.”
“That’s kind of true, I guess.” Fluttershy pulled the initial royal letter out of her single intact saddlebag, tossing it into the flames. “Probably ought to, uh, get rid of that too.”
“It would be prudent, yes.” Luna rubbed a comforting hoof across Fluttershy’s withers.
“Thanks.” Fluttershy watched the flames dance out from under the tree, trying her hardest to ignore the stench of burning feathers. “So, uh, griffons, um, kill their kings often?”
“And queens, on occasion, yes. I verily believe them to be among the more, er, impulsive races of the world, as you no doubt encountered.”
Fluttershy shook her head. “Yeah. That’s a, uh, word for it. Not much of a listener.”
Luna snorted. “‘Not much of a listener!’ Forsooth, fair Fluttershy, your talents in caring for beasts may only be matched by your talents in understatement. Nay, listening is not the strong suit of the average griffon. Passionate? Intense? Wonderful lovers? Absolutely. But terribly impulsive.” Luna rubbed her face with a hoof. “Oh! Listen to us prattle on like an old maid over a game of dice. One would think we had forgotten the carnal pleasures of our fourth husband in the nigh on sixty score years that have passed.”
"Oh!" Fluttershy's eyes widened. "I, uh, didn’t know you ever married, or, uh, married a griffon for that matter. Sorry for your, um, loss.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Do not be, Fluttershy. We have long since ceased to grieve. Of course, we did order his execution. Beheaded by a single swipe of a skilled Prench headsmare. It was most impressive to witness, let me assure you. Cleft by a single stroke!”
“Um, oh.” Fluttershy stared at the ground. “What for?”
“We caught him buggering one of the scullery maids. ‘Twas quite the scandal.” Luna coughed. “It was, er, a different time, you see. I assure you it was quite normal for capital punishment to be administered for royal infidelity. It was assuredly not some sort of personal vendetta, you see.”
“Uh-huh.” Fluttershy turned to face the Princess, both because she wanted to address her directly and because she could feel her eyelashes uncomfortably curling in the heat. “So, um, princess, we, uh, we were working for the crown here, right?”
“Correct.” replied Luna, who had tossed a fallen branch into the fire with a flick of her horn. “Well, you were, undoubtedly. We would need to examine the aforementioned treaty to determine exactly in what capacity mistress Rarity was operating.”
“Right.” Fluttershy stated. “Well, um, regardless, we’re both pretty beat up, so we’ll need some, uh, treatment, and money for treatment.” She frowned. “Also, you might owe Rarity anywhere between six and ten thousand bits for damages to her property. I would ask her, although I would ask her before she, uh, gets more bullets. Best to not take any chances.”
Luna winced. “Oh.” It was her turn to paw at the ground. “That’s, er, not going to be, um, possible.”
Fluttershy squinted in confusion. “What do you mean, not possible?”
Luna sucked a breath through her teeth. “We are, ah, somewhat short on funds. Terminally so, perhaps.”
“What do you mean, short on funds?” Fluttershy’s raised a hoof for emphasis, mouth agape in utter befuddlement and usual vocal hitches fading away. “You’re a princess. How can you be broke? How much money do you have?”
Luna unbuttoned her cheap saddlebag, which, as Fluttershy inspected it more closely, seemingly had a logo for a brand of flour on the inside of the flap. The princess pulled out a small coin purse with her magic, unbuttoning the clasp. “Well, we have, er–” she looked a little closer. “–six of the gold ones, and five of the silver ones. That is a farthing, yes? Or is that a groat?”
“SIX AND A HALF BITS!?” Fluttershy shouted. Were she Rarity, she would have surely burst into flame. “HOW THE FUCK DO YOU ONLY HAVE SIX AND A HALF BITS, PRINCESS?!”
Luna shrank away from the verbal assault. “Mercy, Fluttershy! Stay your tongue, we beseech you!”
Fluttershy panted in rage, nostrils flared, but did, to her credit, cease her assault for the time being.
“You must understand, fair Fluttershy! We haven’t had the chance to scrounge yet this week, you see? The Chamber of Lords meets only on Thursday and Friday, and the children’s tours come but once on Saturday morning!”
“Children’s tours? What are you–” Fluttershy slid a hoof down her face in exasperation. “–oh my goddess, they don’t pay you, do they? Your sister doesn’t give you any money. You’re picking coins up off the floor.”
Luna nodded vigorously.
“You have to be fucking kidding me. Is that why you’re wearing saddlebags made out of flour sacks?”
Luna nodded again. “Er, yes. We do not have access to the garmets in the Royal Wardrobe outside of events prescribed by our sister, nor can we afford to procure a fine pair for ourselves as she does, so we have, um, made a pair with sacks from the pantry.” Luna smiled weakly. “But we made sure to use the best ones, and we even managed to steal a roll of real thread from the palace tailors for the stitching!”
Fluttershy sank to the earth, wings splayed in defeat as she rolled her muzzle into the dirt. “No, that’s not possible. Our princesses are wonderful, and kind, and have money, and don’t live like vagrants.”
“Well, our sister sure doesn’t.” Luna grumbled. “She buys fineries from Marelan every week.” She shook her head. “But it’s not as if we have nothing, Fluttershy!”
Fluttershy raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Like what?”
“Why, not four weeks ago we saved up a whole fifty bits to procure a wonderfully soft stuffed batpony from the palace giftshop, and once a week we have enough money to use the wonderful machine that dispenses cans of sugared soda with a press of a button!” Luna frowned. “Only sometimes, though. Our dear sister tells us we shan’t drink more than one a month, but we can usually engage in enough skulduggery to get past her watchful eyes. Oh!” Her horn lit up again, pulling the mostly clean tiara out of the bag and resting it on her head. “We almost forgot we must clean our diadem before returning home, lest she lower the limit to one a year.”
“One a year – wait, it’s your crown, isn’t it? Why does she care what happens to it?”
“Oh, well, yes, it is our crown, as this one was a gift from our third husband, but the rest of the regalia belongs to the crown as a whole, and it is imperative that it all matches.” Luna rubbed the back of her head with a hoof. “That is why we, er, are not wearing the rest of it. She does not let us take it out the palace except by special permission.”
Fluttershy came back to her hooves. “What does she let you do, anyway?” She held out a hoof, striking out imaginary items. “You can’t read treaties, you don’t get any money, you can’t even wear your own clothes?”
“Well, yes, that is true, but we do hold the Night Court!” Luna answered confidently. “On, er, Sundays only. We don’t have very many petitioners, and those guards are expensive.”
“Uh-huh. How many do you get?”
“Well, er, sometimes the custodians do lose their way and enter the chambers by error, but if you discount them, er, one?”
Fluttershy eyed her suspiciously. “Was it the ambassador?”
Luna nodded shamefully. “You are correct. He was looking for the gallery, and we directed him to a butchery which did exist previously. Several hours later we were awoken by the secretary asking for a signature and, er, so forth and so forth until, er–” she gestured behind her “–that”
Fluttershy sighed again. “We’re never getting paid, are we?”
Luna shook her head emphatically. “Stay your tongue once again, Fluttershy! That we did not say! We may not have any money, and Celestia is, er, out of the picture, but did you forget the third princess? We know for a certainty Twilight draws quite the government stipend, one quite large enough to fund both Rarity’s and your convalescence, as well as any other expenses accrued whilst on this journey. You may need to resort to, ah, physical means, but we believe she would acquiesce without too much in the way of tribulation.”
“Oh.” Fluttershy thought about it for a second. “Yes, I guess that would work. We’ll just have to catch her while she’s awake and coherent. Or, incoherent, actually. That might be better.”
“See? We’re sure you will think of a means by which to liberate Twilight of her wealth.” Luna smiled. “Now, is there anything else you need from us? Preferably something that costs, er, less than six bits?’
Fluttershy thought for a second, then looked back at the corpse of the manticore. She remembered a comment Rarity had made about the suitability of hats. “Actually, um, yes. Do you know anything about taxidermy? Rarity needs a hat, and, um, it would be a shame to let the manticore go totally to waste.” She giggled. “It would be hilarious, too.”
Luna cocked her head in confusion. “Taxidermy? What does that have to do with hat–” Her eyes went wide in realization, then excitement, hooves almost clopping in glee. “No, Fluttershy, you don’t mean?”
“I do.” Fluttershy nodded. “Do you need a knife? I have a few you can choose from…”
Her Majesty Twilight Sparkle peeled her face off her desk at five in the afternoon, eyes crusted shut and nose burning.
“Urrrggghhhh, Spikkkeeee…” She reached out a hoof onto the wooden surface, scattering aside a few tiny envelopes and a state letter as she reached for her ever-present glass of water. She fumbled a few times, hoof hitting naught but air. “Spikkkeeee, where’s my water…”
“Looking for this, dear?” A dulcet, feminine voice cut through the haze in Twilight’s mind, right before a bucket full of warm water likewise cut through the crud on her face.
“R–R–Rarity?” Twilight shook the sleep from her eyes. “What, what are you doing in my house this early in the morning?”
“It’s five in the afternoon.” A different voice, this one a little sweeter, a little lighter. “And close. Rarity didn’t throw the water. I did.”
Twilight finally wrenched her eyes open, spotting her two assailants. Fluttershy had both of her wings bound to her side and was wearing a faintly blood-speckled felt hat, complete with a run of brown feathers. Rarity was wearing, of all things, the top of a manticore’s head as a hood like an ancient centurion.
Distressingly, both were wielding uncomfortably large wrenches.
“Let’s talk about money, Twilight.” said Rarity.
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Ah yes, time for monkeywrench diplomacy.
Very good story mate, I enjoyed it from start to finish. Looking forward to more of "broke-ass Luna".
A, a shot for the ages, especially with an un-rifled musket (interior grooves which spin the projectile giving longer range and better accuracy) ...
And the downside of hunting, griffons who don't listen or understand what warnings are for (like messing with Rarity's mane) ...
As for book horse or moonbutt, very interesting ...
10775964
I'll have you know Rarity's wheel lock is rifled. You think she'd spend all that cash on a smoothbore?
10775951
Thank you kindly! Glad I had you along for the ride.
10775965
Ah, yes, my mistake, it is referred to as a rifle throughout ... still a shot from a pony suffering from several effects ...
10775986
1-200 meter shots with a good rifle are not uncommon. Still impressive though, even without the fatigue.
BA Luna is certainly a character worth revisiting. Also given how things turned out I’m half expecting lynched Celestia to make an appearance in a future piece.
"Rather like how Pinkie and I had to make our way back home from Dodge Junction. Though with fewer debates over portmanteaus."
You know, it's funny. This is the part I am having the most trouble accepting out of this whole story. Namely, Rarity confusing Luna's coat for Twilight's. I know she's half-dead from injury and exhaustion at this point, but I can't see even that impacting her eye for color.
Fantastic madness throughout. And I do look forward to more of destitute Luna, especially if she can get some backup for confronting her sister. Thank you for a great read.
Pfft, Luna needs to learn how to scrounge for bits better! Coin-operated arcades back in the 80's were a goldmine! And then there's under the boardwalk at the beach!
Why, in just an hour or two, you might come up with... tree-fiddy. (Enough to give to the Loch Ness Monster!)
Omg. If you have the energy for it, a bonus chapter would be amazing. Twilight's reaction, Celestia being yelled at... I had other stuff, but I had a literal bowl of tater tots with cheese and now I'm all scrambled...
This Luna is a real treat. The whole story is a gem, but there's plenty of potential in this Luna for shenanigans.
“ANOTHER!”
*smashes like button*
...what would I want for a sequel? Fluttershy & Rarity bludgeoning Twilight for money...or more of best Princess?
OOH! Best Princess with Fluttershy?
10776058
We'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say it's sort of a "if you saw the Queen of England in a tracksuit, would you know it's the queen?" kind of deal. Or maybe Ponyville has a terrible smog problem. Who's to say?
This made my day.
I needed something to make me laugh and i got it.
Thank you.
10776040
Out of context and havent read this ...yet...this is interesting. A bad Celestia? You say?
I have to say this was a wonderful read and the latest chapters helped to lift my mood. Thank you so much for writing! You made my day so much better! Keep up the amazing work!
...I mean, it's not really a lie, is it?
You know, when Rarity and Fluttershy were going on about how all of their princesses were idiots, I did think at time they were using hyperbole at least a little. Clearly not, though.
Considering her role in all of this, it would only be fitting.
Well...Luna's always kinda been my favorite of the princesses, so I don't really like seeing here so flippin' broke like this...
...but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least intrigued to see more of that.
10776867
At minimum she doesn’t come out of this looking particularly good.
10776387
We haven’t seen Cadance yet
10777077
Go to your room.
I have a dumb request.
Bonus chapter depicting the ensuing events with Twilight getting her just deserts and Rarity and Fluttershy getting their payments/repairs?
And another one involving the spread of knowledge that the ambassador was dead and how that affects the griffons/brother/political parties?
XD
10777211
You’re not my real mom!
Hmmm
For those playing at home, either she's exaggerating or the author flubbed the math; Celestia earned her cutie mark 1111 years before a specific episode of the show and is the older sister, so anything "nigh on (1200 years)" ago happened before Luna was born. A fourth husband probably shouldn't qualify, although that was a different time.
ah the classic two unrelated characters making the same comment gag
well this is the first time i’ve ever seen broke Luna and i really love it. ties well into the idea that a lot of cheap and accessible modern technology would have been an unimaginable luxury in a previous era