BONUS: Do Questions 11B through 11I and 12B through 12C Have a No Response?
As usual, Trixie started the conversation with a slight up-tilt of the snout and a polite scoff. “Wow, Twilight, went for the 'mommy fuel' mug?”
Were she not muzzle deep into a comically oversize coffee mug adorned with that clever phrase, Twilight would have responded with an affirmative grunt. As it was, it was more of a bubbling.
“Huh, bad day then? What have you got in there? Smells sweet, really sweet – Oh my goddess, is that port? Are you – are you drinking port out of a coffee mug?”
More bubbling. It sounded distinctly unsanitary.
“Wow, that’s low.”
Mercifully, while large, the mug was not endless, and it came down onto the table with a clatter after a final mighty gulp, leaving a slightly wine-stained and very sticky princess.
“Yeah, well, is it as low as pissing on a corpse?” asked Twilight. Despite the truly prolific amount of fortified wine she just chugged, Twilight’s face was only drooping a little bit. Trixie chalked it up to a perk of the wings.
“Trixie is confused and a little disturbed by that question, but, um, no, it’s not that bad.” Trixie waited with no small sense of dread for any further explanation of Twilight’s question; none was provided, so she decided that was probably for the best.
“Look, Trixie, what do you want?” Twilight asked, simultaneously pouring herself another mug of port. Judging from the dust on the bottle, it looked far, far too expensive for how it was currently being imbibed.
“Oh, well, Trixie was passing through town and broke an axle on the egregious potholes – seriously, does this place not have a road budget? – and has come to petition the local government for the cost of replacement.”
“Ok, well, first off, please do not talk to me about taxes, secondly, that’s a question for the local Department of Carriages, which, despite its place in the government is not in the big shiny castle, and third, I really don’t give a shit about – actually, do you want some free shit?”
Trixie responded instantly. “Trixie has been so broke she once ate a hayburger out of the garbage. Trixie never says no to free anything.”
Twilight slid a form across the table. “Mmm, quite. Just sign this and we’ll see if you pass.”
“Pass? What do you mean pass – oh, it’s an EQ-4473. Pffft, Trixie does one of these a week. What, do you take Trixie for some kind of common thug?” Trixie fwoop’d a quill into her field and signed her surprisingly long name at the top.
“You’d be surprised.”
Once again, the form dutifully filled up.
CITIZEN: TRIXIE LULAMOON, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL
“–That’s your legal name?”
“Of course. You think Trixie would just make up a title?–”
6 COUNTS: PARKING VIOLATIONS
“-what.”
“Oh, Trixie forgot she was refusing to pay those Manehattan parking fines as a protest. Do you need Trixie to take care of those first?”
Twilight continued to stare at the form, expecting, nay, hoping more charges would appear. None did.
“… Twilight?”
The staring had not stopped.
“Do, do you need medical assistance? Trixie is a certified CPR-”
“-No, Trixie, that, that will be fine. Wh-where’s, uh, the rest of it?”
Trixie cocked her head slightly in confusion. In other circumstances, it would have been very cute, really. “Er, I, uh, Trixie does not understand. The rest of what exactly?”
Twilight’s left eye had developed a twitch. “Your crimes Trixie? The rest of your prolific criminal history?”
“Trixie still does – Oh! You mean the two incidents in Ponyville? Well, the first was really more of a tragic misunderstanding, a civil matter really, and the Amulet was something of a legal oddity. If Trixie remembers correctly, it was classified as a weapon of mass destruction, which generally places it outside of normal jurisdiction and into international military courts. Still had to pay for the civil damages, though.”
Twilight had now picked up the form and was shaking it softly, the way one does a developing Polaroid. “No, n-no, that’s not possible. Surely there must be more to it that this. You must have done something else. My friends can’t, they can’t be-”
“-Look, Trixie does not know what this has to do with your other friends, but Trixie does not appreciate the implication that she is some kind of ruffian who gets in drunken brawls and sells her body for a quick bit. Trixie may have had her trouble with money, but she is an honorable mare who stays on the good side of the law-”
“-Bu-bu-but even Dash had those juvie charges, and she was the best-”
“-and furthermore, Trixie purchases dozens of pounds of black powder a week for her shows, which requires a valid Royal Explosives License, the conditions of which require a clean record. They don't just sell that much powder to anypony, especially after that whole incident with the orphans.”
Twilight gave the form a few more shakes before, finally, deciding that the check was well and truly and done. “Wow, that's - huh. I guess that shows what trees know about criminal psychology."
"...Trees?"
"Look, nevermind, I, uh, huh. Well, I guess you, uh, passed the check. Let me just sign it here on the bottom and we’ll finish this up.”
“Ugh, finally! Trixie hates waiting for the 4473 to finish. Whoever spellgrammed that cross-reference spell for the archives certainly did not write it for speed.”
Twilight flipped the document to its next page. “...Sure, yeah. Look, I just need you to sign the second and third pages of this document.”
With another scribble, Trixie put her name on the two pages. “Well, regardless, this is a very nice gift, Twilight – hey, wait a godsdamn minute!” Trixie took hold of the pages in her field and held them up a little closer to her eyes. “’Royal Job Application?’ ‘Groom of the Stool?’ What is this bullshit? You made me fill out a 4473 for a job? What the fuck Twilight, where’s my free gun?”
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Jest · 2k words · 589 28 · 8k views
- hamster wizard · 1.5k words · 432 7 · 4.2k views
- Flammenwerfer · 3.8k words · 283 12 · 3k views
- JimmySlimmy · 26k words · 275 5 · 2.4k views
- Estee · 3.3k words · 466 23 · 4.7k views
- Jinzou · 2.1k words · 801 12 · 9.9k views
- Dewdrops on the Grass · 2.4k words · 1,075 16 · 13k views
- iAmSiNnEr · 2k words · 557 12 · 7.9k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.035 seconds
Total duration
1,091 users online
2,036,816 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
10668249
Your wish has been granted. Additional funny has been provided.
This may be one ordinary crack, but it's one HELL of a ordinary crack.
Still laughing out loud while stomping my hooves
Your friends are adventurers, Twilight. If they didn't violate a few laws here and there, they wouldn't have been willing to risk their lives in the local hell-forest. Comes with the territory. (Trixie, meanwhile, only got dragged into the one adventure and hated most of it.)
I get the impression Twi will likely bring this up to the others at some point. Probably in the form of incredulous angry yelling.
Good on you Trixie!
whats the chapter referencing?
Forgot to thumbs up...
10668735
If you mean the chapter in totality, I made a throwaway line in the main story that the form Twiddles made her friends sign was an "EQ-4473." The real form 4473 is the form the ATF makes you sign to transfer a firearm from a FFL dealer to a private citizen. It's also used in the transfer of controlled explosives, hence Trixie's familiarity and subsequent confusion as to why she wasn't receiving free gats. It's also what the cover image is made out of!
If you mean the title, if you know it, you know it. Once you've heard it a thousand times, you don't forget it.
...One more side chapter? Were the friends force twilight to sign the form and we get a background check on her pre-princess history? Or maybe spike since he stuck in the same building with the purple one for 90% of his time.
Other wise, this was funny as hell.
Thanks for the work for this.
10667329
Legally dead, I assume.
She can be registered as "alive all along" by filling out Form 4-ll-V3 and going through the standard "Not-A-Changeling" medical test(s). (At which point the tax assessors will start checking her records...)
10667373
She has mind control magic. It's amazing how easily her records go missing...
This is the kind of story whose chapters could continue with great hilarity.
EDIT: Internet lag - duplicate post.
Yeah that sounds about right, of course the one pony Twilight dislikes would be the one to pass, so wait does this mean that now Twilight will have to pay Trixie 2700 bits monthly?
10669020
So it would seem, unless there are no regulations about firing someone from their post in Equestria.
10669092
All things considered i wouldn't be surprised at their being extensive labor laws in place that will keep Twilight from firing Trixie for anything but failing to preform the (non-existent) duties of her post.
Damn right ‘where’s my free gun?!’
God, I hate the new 4473 forms. Such a pain in the ass to fill out.
10669147
If you were good you could get a customer through the front of one in like 30 seconds, then it was just one easy flip. Now it's all jumbled up and it's all on the front and it sux.
10669159
Yup. Such a stupid change, but the BATFE gonna BATFE. At least I’m not dealing with it ffl (dealer) side anymore. Now to get my nics exempt CCW.
I simply ignore the mess and don't bother with guns at all.
After all, the Chinese have confirmed how easy and effective bioweapons are!
Out of them all I find Raritys crimes and eventual punishment to be the most amusing.
Dude you just got an instant follow. This was hysterical and I can’t wait to see what else you might wish to write in the future!
10668980
As funny as that response is, in a setting where that kind of magic is easily usable by roughly a third of the population when they have a bad day, you'd assume any competent government would look into countermeasures and detection methods against it. And quite liberally employ anything they developed.
10668793
That she got caught. Think about it. If she got caught that many times, how many was she not caught?
.. Please do one with Sunset and Starlight.. this is a whole lot funnier then it would appear at first glance.
10669469
A third of the population? Why people think that Twilight's levels of magic are common? Twilght and Starlight are NOT your run-of-the-mill unicorn. Even Trixie, which is much less powerful than them, is above average. 90% of equestrian unicorns can do limited telekinesis and some trick related to their cutie mark, but things like teleportation, mind control or lifting Ursas are not so common as people seems to think.
I wonder if Spike has any offences?
Impressive. I think even you beat my any% speedrun for fimfiction.
Jokes aside, great story, I had to force myself to stop laughing to stop laughing. And yes, I am aware that that doesn't make sense.
Of course. I deeeeefintely saw that coming with Trixie. Only a natural conclusion to a story.
Very natural indeed.
the bit about trixie having a valid explosives license does make a fair bit of sense...
Did anybody else read these in the Mentally Advanced Series voices?
10670025
Depends on Twilight I'd imagine. They would mostly be aiding and abetting with maybe destruction of private property (gems).
I almost fell out of my chair
10669469
Honestly? I was going for the humour, mostly.
But even so, Starlight's mind control is clearly not something the average unicorn can manage. She's pretty much the best of the best when it comes to raw magic (and not so much of the best when it comes to common sense); aside from Starlight, Sombra, and maybe some of the alicorns, I don't think anypony else can actually manage it.
I was laughing the whole time I was reading this. It is just hilarious. Thanks, this story have made my day.
10670168
Funnily enough, it is not illegal in the UK at a national level.
It *is* illegal however to: run a brothel, be a Pimp, street-crawl (bar areas marked by local by-laws), to work for a brothel
I liked this story. It was fun.
Ohh the reactions of all the girls in this and previous chapter!
This was legitimately hilarious. Thank you for writing it.
OH GOD
See, this is the kind of batshit insanity I look for in fics like this. Great job, author!
I hate you for making me look up what "Groom of the Stool" was
10668806
Oh I would pay to see those twos criminal rap sheets
It is very hard to believe that the enslavement of an entire town did not get noted in any form in Trixie's permanent record xD. Since I really like her character I will let it slide ;P. Great and funny story tho :D
10672101
It is on the record, just not this one. Apparently using WMDs is not a criminal offense under equestrian law.
10668692
EZ: once you know where she naps, it's all over 💤
(but srly: how many RainbowManed ponies are there XD (besides her dad))
I assure you: That's for the best.
10672111
that thought really did not cross my mind and I dont wanna know tbh xD
I would love this as a series. Get more little glimpses into this strange and oddly terrifying world.
10673452
I'm considering it, but I just don't think presently there's any more funny to really be extracted from this concept. The gimmick of the first chapter is "all my friends are abhorrent criminals," and the gimmick of the second one is "yeah, it's actually just them, everyone else isn't an absolute maniac," which kind of covers everything. I'll probably throw another chapter on this bad boy at some point in the future once I can think of something, but I'm pretty reluctant to just write more of the same on another character - I think the comment section here has managed to do that for me. I'm not opposed to using some of these characterizations in the future for other stories, though - I don't think I'm done with fearless tax dodger Rarity.
10672111
I've seen this question a couple of times. My personal advice is to think about how many gerbils you think you could fit in your butt (no, wait, actually don't do that), then divide the total number of offenses by that number, with remainder. Can't have a half gerbil, duh.
10671337
The royal butt wiper was a pretty cushy spot, really. Except for all the poop.
10670219
I'm not familiar with those, but, on a related note, I got a DM about if someone could do a reading. If anyone (not you specifically) wants to take a crack at it, go for it.
I am curious what princess twilight's would return, she is neurotic enough in her younger years to have caused some commotion, though she is celestias student so it might have been more prudent for celestia to manage things like these.