- Member Since 26th Apr, 2020
- offline last seen March 27th
rice
te amo como la luna al sol, cuando no estas ahà brillo por ti
rice
Joined 26th Apr, 2020 ·
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I'm so fucking hyped that this is up!
Ooh this looks nice
Color me intrigued.
Firstly, I want to say that the descriptions of violence in this story certainly do not disappoint. It's a story about violence and the clashing underbelly of a city, and you've captured the skirmishes that happen therein very well! I also want to add that your names for different parts of the city made me smile a lot, I really enjoyed those!
Now! I always loathed the people that said revenge stories aren't good, and that revenge isn't a good motive. They'd be correct if this was real life, people ought to let things go and forgive others. However, I want to say that this (revenge stories being bad) rests on the assumption that the characters involved have gone through and affirmed that lesson for themselves. Characters can be flawed, and often, they should be flawed. Characters can be blinded by the emotional damage and think that vengeance will restore their sight. This is to say, this story is one about revenge, and that's awesome!
Further, Lightning Dust and Fiddlestick's motivations and characters are set up clearly and cleanly. From word go, I know what kind of story this is, and where it's headed, and I find this naturally, if but violently. I love the ending especially because it didn't need to explain itself. Fiddle wouldn't have gone after Lightning unless she was accepting her offer, a mutually beneficial offer (Fiddle gets revenge, Lightning gets way more powerful). That was really well done!
Now with the honey must come a bit of vinegar. The phrasing of things was sometimes awkward, things could've been more succinct, and the dialogue could've been a bit more tight and polished. By no means is this the nail in the coffin of the story, no not at all! It's more a few stray nails on the woodworking of the story, that can readily be hammered in. This said, again, I loved this story, and I'm chomping at the bit for more! Excellent work, Rice! You've set up a longer story really well, and hit every note and beat you should've while keeping the pace consistent. Truly it did feel like a single shot through the whole chapter, and I liked that a lot! Again, awesome job!!