Ever since he and Twilight Sparkle had first moved to Ponyville, Spike's had a crush on Rarity. At first he'd thought it was a secret - the big secret in his life - but he'd soon come to realize that the signs he had been displaying since day one were...really, really obvious. His first reaction had been mortification, followed by anger (after all, how could his friends have just let him act like that?!), but eventually he'd come to the conclusion that, sometimes, a friend within a circle just happens to develop a crush upon another friend, and that it's really no big deal.
But then something starts to nag at him: If Rarity's known about his feelings for some undetermined amount of time, how come she's spent all this time without even acknowledging that she does know? So, he decides to ask if he can come over for tea, with the intention of discussing these thoughts and feelings with her.
NOTE: Sex tag is for brief mentions of it during their conversation. There's no explicit talk, and it's not a recurring point of discussion.
Yeah, why didn't this happen in the actual show? We needed closure on this. Are you planning on tackling any of the other missed opportunities the show has had to offer?
So now that's been taken care of does he move on?
10666410
Not sure if you noticed, but I like playing around with the canon universe to suit my own desires pretty often 
Perhaps! This is an idea that just happened to pop into my head, but I'm open to suggestions
10666410 Well, from what I hear the original script for "Dragon Dropped" was going to have Spike get over his crush on Rarity. At least that would've been a definitive conclusion instead of the finished product treating the crush as if it didn't exist and that was happening was strictly a friendship problem despite the obvious romantic undertones. It might have been a disappointment but at least it wouldn't be leaving it hanging even though it was something established within the show's first episode.
10666413
That's the (vague) implication, yeah! I may or may not throw in another chapter at some point in time. Perhaps something about Rarity setting him up for a date, them going on a double date, etc.? We'll see!
10666410
I disagree. He was to young for her in the show, but I like the relationship, so I like to think it happened in the skip, even if they weren't lovey dovey in the show
10666474 Maybe, but they could've at least said that was the case or even hinted at it like they did for CheesePie.
Pretty good to me. Spike points out Rarity's mistakes in their relationship (which, if you think about it, are kinda cruel, seeing as she never returned how he felt) without being too accusatory, Rarity owns up to what she did wrong, and Spike accepts the truth. As for the writing, the present tense threw me off a little (though that's probably because I'm used to reading past tense, rather than any fault of yours), and it was odd how we suddenly starting seeing into Rarity's POV as well as Spike's in the middle, but otherwise, there's little to complain about. Nice job.
I liked this story. If u are thinking of a sequel, give spike a growth spurt, have mares start asking him out, and make Rarity jealous.
10666737
That has actually been done in other storylines. However, I am interested in seeing how THIS author portrays it
I think you overdid it on the stammering, repetition and awkward pauses from both parties here.
I get it. It's a drama fic about a difficult conversation. B-but...that doesn't, doesn't have to m-mean...every sentence is, is like this.
10666907
I probably could have eased up a bit more towards the end, but considering that Spike's stammering is mostly focused upon the words with the heaviest emotional weight to them ("crush," "love," etc.), worsens when talking about specific and especially difficult topics, the fact that Rarity does tend to get teary-eyed much more easily than most of the other Mane 6, and that it's...pretty hard to talk without stuttering while crying, for the most part I don't think it's as bad as all that.
Am I the only one that noticed that Ember's horns look a lot like Rarity's mane, and her scales look a lot like her cutie mark? Spike only fell for Rarity because she resembled a female dragon.
Anger is the only thing I feel.
Is this on purpose?
Did you dupe me on purpose?
Were those little 'clues' deliberate? Or did you, author, percieve it to be simply natural?
I feel wrath.
And my Hatred is just.
Am I overthinking it?
Because it looks to me
Firstly
Rarity did not consider for a single second that Spike, before her presance, had any sort of sense or reasoning to speak with her past his devotion and utility
Second, nowhere in this entire skit did she ever OPENLY acknowledge that she was using a literal 10 year old nor did she apologise or take blame.
She deflected by claiming she'd "Never do such a thing to her friends"(despite doing so to Spike on multiple occasions) AND THEN she had to ADD "which includes you, Spike" which is fundamentally impossible a claim to make since, she did, she did use him, multiple times and often to his detriment. Imagine someone using a human child as a pincushion, that sound like a decent human being?
Third, WHERE?
WHERE MY NIGGA?
Spike didn't give a single flying cockhead about the state of their relationship, his question was literally "If you knew a child had a crush on you, why did you use him for your own benefit instead of stopping him, unless he didn't matter to you"
To which, she deflected, claimed she NEVER did any of that, then claimed that Spike was her friend, THEN deflected AGAIN, harkening to the 'romantic' aspect which, does not exist, so she can dupe Spike again.
Once more, all she does is state the blatantly obvious, prettied truth, and she didn't even have to lower herself to apologise, care or anything remotely decent, nope! Now she got her slave back and just like Gabby the Griffin time, you sucked it up.
One hand, on one hand I see.
I see that this is essentially someone calling someone else out on emotional manipulation.
I understand that in reality, she'd more likely try to assault him than admit herself wrong in any sense of the word.
I see.
But anger, it remains.
Is the low standard of self-reflection truely an excuse for a low standard of decency?
Fair enough.
This story is amazing.
From a technical standpoint; could use some polish but others are already covering it.
From a premise standpoint, it's damn near perfect.
You've concocted a realistic step in their dynamic that doesn't break either character or jump to 'and then they banged'
I've been on fim-fiction for around 8 years.
This might be the best rendition of the "Spike admits to rarity" that I've ever seen.
Thanks for the good read :)
10666490
Fluttercord's kid is Anarchy?
HEADCANNON ACCEPTED.
These two are my favourite ship, I adore that these two so much. But I love seeing how there dynamic/friendship is explored outside of shipping, do this was a treat to see.
I love how in the end Spike felt like he needed permission to ask rarity yo date others, it felt extremely really for someone like Spike (for this version of him anyway).
Great work
This. Even if Rarity wasn't sexually attracted to the prepubescent child (Spike goes through puberty in season 8, and is considered a BABY dragon by Twilight for much earlier) that doesn't make an adult deliberately trying to coerce a child the way Rarity does any less...
Well, let's just say it's considered a crime.
10667088
That's all true
But when people cry, they often get runny noses. Nobody writes a dramatic or tragic story where everyone keeps getting a runny nose because that would hurt the story as a whole. It's OK to have your characters do a version of crying that doesn't interfere with their ability to talk.
he had to get over Rarity sooner or later and this fic does it justice, I've read some fics where a talk like this goes horribly wrong or some fics where it goes erotically right. Either of those ways didn't really fell grounded like it does in this fic.
10666436
You know, I honestly think I prefer with how the episode played out. It felt like it advanced Rarity and Spike's relationship forward in a natural way that it's been changing/growing throughout the series. Started with Spike completely being one side, to them both just enjoying time together just hanging out, to Rarity finally reailsing how much he means to her. Spike may still have a crush on Rarity as shown in Friendship is Forever, but it's no longer the cruchs of their relationship like in season 1
10667189
I'm not gonna lie, at first I expected a pointless flame-off. Luckily, you proved me wrong.
I do feel that I covered this at least somewhat when Spike was telling her off for all of the times she had him doing all of her dirty work, but, yeah, you're right. I could have written a lot more dialogue between them concerning why he spoke to her, and why she spoke to him. (Hopefully I didn't misinterpret this and I do apologize if I did.)
To this, I will say that, at first, she did deny it, and whether you (and others) choose to interpret that as willful ignorance to her...tendencies...is up to you guys.
Weirdly enough, yeah, I...never did end up writing in her apologizing for the actual actions she performed whilst ignoring and harming Spike with her feigned ignorance of his feelings. Again, that's on me; slipped through the cracks, I suppose.
I suppose you could choose to interpret the fic in the way of "and then they're besties/master and slave" again, but the reason I left it open-ended with a conflicted smile slapped onto Spike's face is because that's...really the most succinct way I could've ended this fic without basically typing out "and then Spike and Rarity weren't quite as close because Spike had to spend some time completely separate from Rarity to really analyze his thoughts and feelings" (or something to that summary-esque effect) and that's not how I do things. No shame on people who do, but I'm not one of them.
If I were to expand upon how their friendship develops (or if it even does continue), I'd have to write out at least one more chapter - probably several - before I'd feel that I've done the full concept justice.
However, this is a personal issue, and I very much do understand why this made you so angry. Their relationship returning to Square 1 is a possibility, and an infuriating one.
And here's the tricky bit about "in reality": I tried my best to keep the conversation as close to in-canon as possible while still keeping in mind that they're both adults and that they can both now think of each other in that light. For Rarity, that's her realizing that she treated a baby dragon with a puppy crush like garbage, because now, as an adult, he's psychologically been a wreck over it and is confronting her despite his massive anxiety. For Spike, it's his ability to confront Rarity and tell her face-to-face, "hey, you've been using me, so, what's your fucking deal?"
If this were in an alternate universe where their laws were basically identical to ours, however...yeah. I'd have Spike tell her right off for the creepy shit with her tail, for using a child (in oftentimes abusive ways) for his crush, and a number of other things. It's a tricky and often impossible to uphold balance.
At the end of the day, though...yeah, I missed a good few (IMPORTANT) plot points and details, and you've got every right to be pissed.
(Edited because I forgot to cover some stuff.)
10667196
This honestly put such a massive smile on my face. Thank you for taking the time to write out what, specifically, you liked about my fic, and I very much appreciate the high praise!
10667672
It is good story, fair is fair. It is much better an outcome than the expected. Writing quality is high as well.
Better than expected, seen worse, much worse, reality cruel, canon? Perhaps. Perhaps. Rarity from Canon, I not know. Maybe better....i not know.
Good writing.
Just anger.
Residual anger. Always there regardless.
But
Good Story, Grammar and spelling good, spacing needs little bit of work, anxiety portrayal is adequate, reality is present.
Good job.
Is fair.
10666436
Ah, yes, the episode that got Merriweather Williams dropped from the show's stable of writers. The way I heard it was that Larson and McCarthy thought that the original script was too cruel to Spike, so they took it over and re-wrote it at the last minute with Applejack in place of Rarity. It left poor Spike without his planned closure and kept one of the most awkward character dynamics in the show in place really until the end of the series. LOL Season Three.
10667934 No, you're thinking of "Spike At Your Service" and that was in Season 3. "Dragon Dropped" was in Season 9.
10667940
Oh right! I never watched Season 9, and the description fairly matched the storyline of "Spike At Your Service," which never warranted more than the one viewing.
10666438
There is a girl who actually likes Spike and we all know who that is.
10666508
Yeah, I could never really get into past-tense...maybe I'll try playing around with it in future stories, or perhaps some writing exercises, but I feel that present-tense (when executed properly) can really put the reader directly into the story! I'm honestly not really sure what PoV any of my writing's classified as, though I should probably try to make it less "the author is describing the inside of the character's mind" and more "this is what the character is doing and here are some brief explanations for why the character is doing it."
But, rambles aside, thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
10668091
I think what you did is called third-person omniscient, but for the first part of the story, it felt like third-person singular.
10668104
Oh! Thank you.
Yeesh. I gotta work on the whole "don't mix-and-match your PoVs" thing.
10668091
I think when you do not describe what characters are thinking but only what they are doing it's called "objective narration" or "fly-on-the-wall." "Omniscient" is when you describe what the characters are thinking as well.
10667281 agreed, her treatment towards him is 100% why I probably find her the worst of the main six because I HATE users, even in the instance of where what they are doing is legal, which as you showed doesn't really apply here. Of course, the rest of them aren't much better as in many cases they just watch it happen and don't say anything about it.
This story should've really be part of the show but oh well...instead we have a great fan fic that I thoroughly enjoyed.
Awesome work.
10668148
Ah, thank you for the clarification! Yeah, I did some Google searches, but I'm still trying to figure out why the hops between Spike and Rarity's thoughts may come off as strange...I feel like it would be just a biiit too presumptuous of me to say that it's just because my specific style of writing is so rare. Eh. I'll figure it out one day.
10668219
Yeah, it's why I used to flat-out despise her in her entirety. Pulling upon a crush once or twice is...well, it's still sleazy, but, ultimately, I wouldn't consider it the end of the world. But when it's a consistent pattern of behavior? I'm gonna start remembering every single little incident. All of those little incidents lead to a lot of little irritations, which lead to a not-so-little inspiration to write an entire fic about Spike getting fed up with all of those incidents.
It's certainly a dangling question. This answer was more bitter than sweet, but perhaps they'll both be better off for it in the long run.
Aging your characters appropriately is certainly a challenge. You aging Spike like this is reminding me much of how elves mature.
E.g. 200 years for them is like... they're now adults/physically mature.
This story made me uncomfortable as it should. Good job bro. The ending was abrupt but I'm not sure if it needed more than one paragraph or a more detailed gesture to allow for tension deflation.
10668389
Your POV shifts come across as “strange” because they’re randomly inserted into the scene without rhyme or reason. In a story that opens with Spike, and is about Spike, and is grounded from the starting gun in Spike’s perspective, you often shift into the other character’s perspective for one or two sentences (so that she can notice the Conflicting Inner Darkness in Spike’s Emerald Gaze), before smashing the reader back down into Spike’s perspective. Early on, you experimented with having Spike narrate, for himself, what Rarity might be thinking or feeling. That wasn’t a particularly good stylistic device, but it’s at least better than these random, fleeting glimpses at (if you’ll pardon the play on your title) what Rarity’s deal is.
In short, it would be incredibly presumptuous to say that. So, it’s good that you didn’t. Especially since your style of writing isn’t nearly as rare as you suggest.
You write in a way that trades brevity and coherence for florid, overwrought, overwritten everything. Every minute, minuscule, trivial action or detail in this story is either overexplained, or turgid with gratuitous emotional weight. The majority of action in this story consist of characters looking at things, drinking things, nibbling on things, or blushing, all while sitting on a couch.
In this paragraph, Rarity makes small talk about the tea she’s pouring for Spike. But, since the act of pouring tea isn’t inherently interesting, it’s inflated five times for effect. The entire story is like this: When Spike isn’t melodramatically speechifying, about his feelings he’s looking at things, sipping things, nibbling on things, or blushing, in dense blocks of texts that drag, and drag, and drag. Everything in this story is narrated with a sense of grandiosity that just, situationally, does not fit what you’re writing.
As far as the story itself is concerned, to be frank, it’s pretty unremarkable for what it is. It’s paragraph after paragraph of Spike monologuing about Rarity taking advantage of him, with some token disagreement from Rarity that Spike swats down with the force of his emerald-eyed dragon rage. I really hate using TV Tropes lingo too much in reviews, but this feels more like an author tract than an authentic character piece. Spike is a vehicle for specific gripes the author has with Rarity’s character, rather than his own character expressing himself naturally.
I’ll leave it at that, because I don’t want to say too much about this story’s themes (else I’ll be writing this review all night). I do want to talk a bit about premise and characterization here, though.
To make this work, you have to contort and massage show canon to ignore things like, say... Spike’s comparatively friendly and outgoing characterization in the first episode of the show (literally, the first thing he does in the series is suggest to Twilight that they go to a birthday party, but here, you suggest that he wasn’t interested in meeting people until he saw Rarity?). Or the fact that Spike’s crush on Rarity has been out in the open since the second season, because he told her, himself. Or, rather, he started to tell her, and she stopped him, because he already knew about it. So, the question behind Spike’s whole tirade here has already been answered in the show proper.
And on the whole, Spike’s characterization is... it’s all over the place. You write him with a sense of awkwardness that doesn’t really gel with how he interacts with Rarity. I get that the situation is making him nervous, but the dude is fully capable of holding a conversation with Rarity without stammering like he’s on the verge of climaxing in his dragon pants (or ”drants,” as they’re known in the Carousel Boutique Foreign Fashions catalogue). Nor do I particularly buy him being self-reflective enough to naval-gaze about his immaturity, relative to Rarity.
I’m out of review-steam, so. Tl;dr, I found your story overwritten and themetically thin; it felt like an unnatural way to explore these two characters’ relationships, and I think it stole the cans of cream corn that I arranged outside the convenience store, so I’ll be contacting my lawyer/witch doctor to cast a litigation hex on you. Expect an ominous portent, such as a blind raven or a stormcloud in the shape of a blind raven, in the coming days.
10668598
Ah...then yeah, I need to get better at my flow. I sure did pick a hell of a PoV to stick with, huh?
As for the rambling, yeah, that's a fatal flaw of mine. Another one of those things I need to work on. Hopefully I'm on the right track here by saying that I should work towards being able to be more comfortable with cutting down on the actions for the sake of dialogue and/or being more comfortable with changing styles for different fics.
Thirty-chapter sagas wherein an entire world is annihilated and then rebuilt might require some heavier details here and there - though still not ramble-levels - but not something like a 2.5K word one-shot.
I don't mean to gloss over the specifics you went over (I promise I did read your entire comment), but thank you for pointing out the inconsistencies between this Spike and the show's Spike. There is the concept of "artistic liberty," but there's also a line between that and just not thinking back on more of their interactions before publishing the work, especially the ones that were more centered around his feelings for her (see here: what I did).
(And yes, this was largely influenced by my own, personal feelings regarding the show's coverage of this topic - or lack thereof - but it shouldn't have been so intrusive as to completely erase the characters' personalities. The TV Tropes lingo is absolutely warranted here.)
Once again, I could (and should) have gone back to see whether Spike's words were at least semi-plausible, or at least further elaborated upon why he said that despite his seemingly contradictory actions and/or words. Though, perhaps it's for the best that I didn't do so in this fic; there seems to be enough bloating in it as is.
I do agree with you about the uncharacteristic awkwardness - he has, indeed, held more than his fair share of normal conversations with her without dissolving into a puddle of hormones - but he might have been able to grow enough to at least to see that, back then, his childish mentality was what gave him the tunnel vision which then led him to be too focused on pleasing her to see that she tended to utilize those feelings in some not-so-healthy ways. However, that's maybe just my stubbornness and/or my own views on whatever might have happened during those unknown years in this universe, so do feel free to disregard this bit.
Again, thank you for the super detailed analysis! I'll be taking all of this advice into my future works. Also, may I request a blind raven in the shape of a stormcloud?
Not bad at all!
10667672
Fiction in general and cartoons in particular often require exagerrations. It would take a lot of effort from the writer to make the FiM universe work more 'like ours' in a short story. If anything, I think that we shouldn't go that far into the details of Rarity's sins so long as the story is meant to be lighthearted. Spike being a pin cushion is funny and adorable, because it's a display of childish devotion with no real consequences. So long as Rarity is willing to throw herself into fire for Spike (and she is, remember his first journey to Dragonlands) it works.
In my opinion Rarity's cruelty towards Spike in canon is the same one children usually posess: they don't really know what they do or plan how far things might go. I think that Rarity is a fascinating character to many viewers because of the way she embraces the stereotypes about femininity, both positive and negative.
Therefore, I think you wrote her well. If anything, there coulde've been more of her internal conflict. It's rather natural that she won't apologize for being herself out loud, even if she was genuinely in the wrong. Unless there is some shared guilt, like in the case with Applejack, of course. 
10668219
At least Rarity was kinder about it than Twilight who had her indentured child servant sleep on the floor at the foot of her bed. If there was one character dynamic on the show that was more awkward than the one between Spike and Rarity, it was the dynamic between Spike and Twilight. Where Rarity plies and cajoles, Twilight orders. I know which of the two I would rather work for, but, on the other hand, with Twilight Spike always knew where he stood, excepting the incident with Owloysious.
I seriously like how they acknowledge her manipulation of him because whenever she did that in the show I would always think to myself, "she's supposed to be the element of generosity and she is instead trying to be greedy"
10669018
Nobody said that Twilight didn't do anything wrong. There are plenty of fanfics and discussions addressing that. Probably far more on it then the subject of this fic, I'd wager.
Spike, "Ok, time to be frank!"
Rarity, "You're changing your name to Frank?"
Spike, "Not even acknowledging that... what's up with you knowing I have the hots for you and saying nothing this whole time?"
Rarity sighed, "Well, first of all... you're 10. I'm 'around' 20... do the math."
Spike, "But dragons mature differently than ponies!"
Rarity, "Yeahhhhh… they mature MUCH more slowly than ponies. Garble, the TEENAGE DRAGON... is 143 in pony years."
Spike erfs, "Oh, well... that could be a little awkward, I guess..."
Rarity, "Plus, there's the whole Greed Growth thing. I'm... kinda afraid you'll think of me as your hoard, grow gigantic and then... split me in half or eat me... or both."
Spike cannot deny that this could be a thing...
Rarity, looking to the side and blushing, "And I wouldn't be able to resist at all, since it's my fetish."
Spike jaw-dropped, blinked, and then leered, "So, we're doing it, right?
Rarity practically snarled in lust, "Oh shut up and EAT me you hot horny hungry dragon!"
And then they had vore!
10669018 But children are SUPPOSED to be slaves!
How else are you going to clean the inside of a 45mm shell?! YOU TELL ME!!
10668219 If you hate 'users', you must DESPISE Twitch and Tiktok! It's 50% simps and 50% thots!