Oh good, we're back to this.
“I have SEVERAL questions,” Sunset Shimmer said, now from a rather precarious angle on the back wall. “I mean, like, a LOT of questions.”
“I’m sure you do, dear,” Celestia replied, in that condescending mom tone that just screams ‘Can we please move along now?’ “But I believe we have more pressing matters to attend to.”
“Nah, I wanna hear this one,” I interjected. Yes, there are many times when I do, in fact, forget Celestia runs the country. It’s actually a common mistake among castle staff who spend too much time with her or her family. The princess of course gave me a look that said Not right now. “Ok fine, can she at least ask while we walk? Or… fly? Please don’t tell me we’re teleporting.”
“Schadenfreude,” Celestia continued, now on her ‘Serious Royal Business’ voice, “As much as I hate to admit it, Ponyville is ground zero for almost anything terrible that can, or has, happened to this country in the last ten years. I feel as though this particular entourage walking or flying into town would cause more than a little panic among the populace. It would be more prudent to simply teleport directly into Twilight’s Castle and avoid the crowds.”
“Fine, but somepony better take a chuck-it bucket, cause teleportation and I don’t get along,” I said, already feeling queasy. I steadied myself with a hoof to the chest as Discord had a chuckle at my expense.
“Shouldn’t we go get Twilight first?” Sunset asked.
“Oh, yes. Twilight Sparkle. My most. Faithful. Student,” Celestia grunted. “Yes, let’s go have a few words with her.”
As the lot of us marched off to the Restricted Section again, Sunset turned her attention on Discord. “Ok, I have to ask. Peyote the Mad?”
Discord, who had taken to floating in the air alongside, as he found walking as distasteful as the color gray, for very similar reasons, rolled his eyes. In his palm. “I’ve had better moments, of course.”
“No, but I mean, he was a pony. We have drawings of him. He-”
“Sunset,” I interrupted. “You’re talking to someone who can trade heads with people, turn rocks into pony-eating vines, and disassemble himself at almost a cellular level. Turning into a pony isn’t exactly far-fetched.”
Sunset sighed in resignation. “Ok, fine, but the mad racial purist thing?”
“Well, I’ve always been mad,” Discord joked. After Sunset just stared at him, he continued, “It was an experiment, you see. Around the time the tribes had started all that boring getting along nonsense, I was poking around what would soon become Equestria. I came across a particularly grumpy batch of old unicorn stallions who, as seems to be the case in every generation, were absolutely opposed to anything resembling change. Which is hilarious to me. So I decided, in my infinite wisdom, to show them just how absolutely wrong they were.”
“By giving them exactly what they wanted,” Sunset said, with reluctant understanding.
“Naturally. And in the worst way possible. I mean, without killing anyone. Murder is permanent, and therefore boring. I fact, there was an awful lot of soon-to-be Equestria I found boring, but that’s another story.
“You keep talking like you’d just got there. Here… whatever.”
“What, you didn’t think I was from here, did you?” he added, seeing the puzzled look on Sunset’s face.
“So where the hell are you from?” Sunset asked.
“Couldn’t tell you if I wanted to,” Discord said through a snide smile. “No idea. The problem, my dear, with being a being of pure chaos for so long is that not everything settles into place properly, including memories, when one finally decides to settle down. I remember quite a bit of being Peyote, mind you, if only because it’s probably the longest I’ve ever held a physical form. My current visage notwithstanding, mind you. Peyote was, as I said, an experiment. A bunch of warring pony tribes finally settling down and carving out their differences? Why, of course I’d want to help! And what better way to settle your differences than-”
“Making sure you don’t have any,” I finished for him. “So the Penance Band was a really sick joke at the expense of a bunch of ponies trying to peacefully resolve a civil war?” I said with no lack of disgust.
“Schadie, we’ve talked about this. I. Used. To be. Evil. Never in a million years would I create something so horrendous now,” he insisted, insulted. “I mean, of course I would make a bracelet that changes your gender every so often, that’s hilarious.”
“...objectively, yes,” I conceded. “As long as there’s an easy undo button.”
“Speaking of which,” Sunset mused. “I thought the spell became permanent if left alone for too long, which is why the bracelet turned you back every hour.”
“Ha! Who told you those silly lies?” Discord laughed.
“It was in a book… by… Peyote… You motherfucker,” Sunset growled.
“Dear, nearly everything written in that book is a farce, a gaff, a joke, a prank, or a misdirection. Sure, the instructions on how to make the artifacts are accurate within acceptable degrees, but the warnings and vile tripe are just stage dressing. Something to ruffle the historian’s trousers,” Discord explained. “I mean yes, there technically is only one countercurse to the gender change spell, which would be ME,” he admitted, “And only a small hoofful of techniques to reverse the change should the countercurse become unavailable, but what in the world would make you think the Lord of Chaos would do anything with permanance behind it? There’s more than a few spells built into that bracelet, my dear, should any of them fail or be countered. All I’ll need to do is activate one and-”
“Oooooohhh….” Sunset groaned, with a sideways glance.
Celestia, who had been presumably ignoring us until now, stopped. Without turning around, she said, “Ooooooohhhhh, what, Sunset?”
“So, remember how we bathed… other Schaden -blech- in anti-magic potion?”
Celestia slowly turned her head. “Yes?”
“And remember how it shot off his hoof fast enough to dislocate his shoulder?”
“Yesssss……”
“Well, it’s currently… in a wall.”
“...and?”
“And in a bout a hundred pieces.”
Discord flinched. “That, uh… is not good.”
“HOW not good?” I asked.
“Well… how do you feel about jigsaw puzzles, Schaden?”
“I quite enjoy them, actually.”
Discord smiled and waved a paw. “Oh, then we’re fine.” I raised an eyebrow at him, and he continued, “What? I hate tiny puzzles! It’s booooooooooooooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnguuuuuuuhhhhh….” he said slowly, melting into the floor in protest.
Celestia paused, took a breath, and kept moving. “Discord, the next time you have something distressing to say, please make sure it’s bad news for more than just you.”
--------------
Of course, Twilight was right where we left her, pacing back and forth in the Restricted Section, mumbling to herself. Although her mane was in a rather distressed state. “-she’s gonna send me back to magical kindergarten and revoke my library card and banish me to the moon and-”
“That was one time!” Celestia yelled.
Twilight hit the roof. “PRINCESS CELESTIA! How… uh… how are things?”
“Twilight Sparkle.”
“...yes?”
Celestia looked at her student for a moment, and sighed. “While I can appreciate your willingness to help ponies in need, and your dedication to doing so under your own power, I must admit I’m rather insulted that you thought you couldn’t trust me with something like this. Even taking into account your recent brushed with the Equestrian National Unicorn Society, I would have been more than happy to assist you. If you had just been honest with me from the start, Twilight, I could have given you a solution right away. Or, he could,” Celestia added, gesturing to Discord.
Twilight turned her head, noticing Discord for the first time. “Hello, uh Discord. What brings you here?”
To which Discord responded by turning into a mildly mad-looking brown and green unicorn. “Who is this Discord you refer to?! I am but Peyote the Mad!”
“YOU MOTHERFU-”
-------------
After we successfully got Twilight off of Discord, and calmed her down, discussion had turned toward the practical. By which I mean the boring. Being the only pony here who didn’t actually have a say in the magical proceedings, by virtue of both not being able to use magic and not caring how it gets done, I set to wandering around the room. The three mares and Discord were discussing the logistics of piecing the bracelet back together, activating the appropriate failsafe, and, of course, where the other me would be staying while his shoulder healed (moving someone with a physical injury through the portal had provided… undesirable results), as well as what to tell his family while he was here, really all boring professional things that didn’t require my input.
I, on the other hoof, had a moment to stop and thing after what was quite honestly a surprising and eventful day. On the one hoof, Twilight Sparkle owed me not one, but two personal favors. On the other hoof, I recently found out one of my best friends used to pose as a psychotic eugenicist for funsies. A fact that, while set very far into the past, was still fresh to me. Especially since he had used said past experience to prank me. Not only did he tried to prank me, he failed. Unforgivable.
Thus, it was my responsibility as a professional practical joker (and, less importantly, a decent person), to ensure that his punishment fit the crime. After all, this entire scenario was his fault. Twice. Thus, I headed off to my personal favorite shelf in the Restricted Section, and the only reason I had yet to do anything to endanger my privilege of unfettered access.
The Weird History section.
-----------------
I returned some time later to a rather civilized conversation, carrying a couple books on my back. Twilight, Celestia, and Sunset had all taken a seat around a rather large table, while Discord, never one to miss a chance to one-up somepony, had become a seat. Which I then sat in, leaving the books off to the side. “Excellent, Schaden. Just in time,” Celestia said. “We were just finishing up.”
I took a quick glance around the table, and it appeared the Princess had taken at least some time to properly vent her disappointments at her protege and daughter. Discord, I wasn’t sure of, mainly because he was one of the few people that could take a proper dressing-down from Celestia and not care. Myself excluded, because man, she scary sometimes. “So what’s the verdict? I feel like this could have been done by now, honestly. Teleport to the castle, let Twiggly-Wiggly put the bracelet back together so Discord can flip some magical switch, send Sunset back to her room without dessert, and park other me in the Friendship Castle for a week or so. Bingo-bongo what took so long-o?”
The looks alone were worth how stupid I felt saying that last sentence. “Bingo bon- ok, no. Nevermind,” Twilight groaned. “Yes, it is mostly that cut and dry. That’s the easy part. We were mostly talking about what to do after we corrected Discord’s mistake,” Twilight said with no amount of shade cast in the draconequis’s direction. “Like what to do about the Penance Band, what to tell other you’s parents-”
“-parent,” Sunset corrected. “I don’t know what all is going on, but I know his mom’s not… in the picture.”
“...yes, well. What to tell his father, how to explain this mess to the ENUS should they come knocking-”
“Not to mention the absolute scolding Celestia just gave you both,” Discord chuckled.
Sunset glared at him. Me. She glared at my chair. “Mom yelled at you, too, you know!”
“Pfffft. Please. Celestia's yelled at me for hundreds of years. Why should now be any different?” Discord shrugged.
“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of that,” I added, pointedly staring at my hoof. “I have a few things I’d like to discuss before we go, as well.”
“Actually, Schaden, I’d prefer it if you stayed here,” Celestia said patiently. “I really would rather avoid having more than one of you in the room-” she stopped mid-sentence as I pulled a large book from off the floor and dropped it on the table.
“I thought you might say that,” I mused, smiling. The table at large flinched. Even Chair-cord moved a little.
“Oh god, I know that look,” Sunset groaned.
“How-oh… right. Well, good to see mini-me has learned that much, at least. Now,” I said, flipping open an unnecessarily large tome. “This is The Royal Favor,” I explained, to the confused looks of Twilight and Sunset.
Celestia looked slightly ill, then turned to Twilight. “Twilight, you didn’t… tell me you didn’t say ‘I owe you a favor’.”
“Twice,” I answered for her. “Now, according to this book, written by a one Princess Luna, certified and signed, the contents therein are legally binding guidelines for the process of exchanging, acknowledging, and performing favors owed by, and to, royalty. I’d like to turn your attention to a section called ‘Shared Debt’, describing the means by which a favor can be rendered either by the debtee, or their family, at the debtor’s discretion.”
Twilight groaned loudly. “No, no, no, no, no….”
Sunset raised an eyebrow. “So… what? You gonna call Shining Armor now?”
Again, I smiled. “Not quite. You see, this provision here, amended after the legalization of marriage between tribes, including alicorns, specifically states that the favor can be requested, within all legal means, from immediate family, extended family, or-”
“-or in-laws,” Celestia groaned. “By which you mean me, seeing as how Twilight’s brother married my niece.”
“Exactly. So, Princess Celestia, by the law of Royal Favor, I request that the first favor owed to me by the Royal Family be that I am allowed to travel to Ponyville and directly interact with my other-worldly duplicate.”
Everyone but me shuddered almost violently.
Discord recovered first, his curiosity getting the better of him. He reached a claw over my shoulder and pointed at the other tome. “So if the first book is about favors and stuff, where’s the second?”
“Draconiqui, Care and Discipline Of, by Fluttershy.”
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Discord: "...censored or uncensore-"
S: "Censored, good lord. I'm mad at you, not about to relive you and Fluttershy's weird sex things."
Twilight and Sunset: *dry heaving*
11427918
Goddammit why didn't I think of that.
Oh I imagine.
Yes, but more to the point, why?
That explains a lot.
Yes. I feel the need to point out that he was Chaotic Evil.
You probably should have seen that coming.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
That makes, a lot of sense.
Yeah, checks out.
That would be what gets you.
... That's his story to tell if he wants to, then.
Oh no.
I am experiencing fear.
Draconequi.
Of course Fluttershy wrote that book.
Now Twilight has something new to Twilight about, one of her friends is published, and without telling her!
Oh lord. I had a feeling it would happen eventually…
But now we know that Schaden has another favor he can use on Celestia and essentially let Twilight off the hook. Well… not quite, but still.
Seriously, it's actually easy to get around this favor thing. Sure, let them interact. Nothing says it can't be in a locked cell deep underground with food delivered via teleportation or possibly under the Castle of Two Sisters. And the other bit with Fluttershys book? Discord owed no favor. And he can make another bracelet if annoyed overly. He can even make two bracelets if annoyed overly. And removal? Well then Shaden would owe Discord a favor.
Use logic and you can turn everything on its head.
Sunset isn't going full Sunsetting from the "Hey, Celestia's your mom!" thing? She's taking it way too well.
That last part with the favors transfer was clever.
There's a reason this story is in my favourites.
11427918
11427920
I don't think they mind if we all consider that's what happened.
Oh boy. This should be iinteresting. My guess is the Schnadens will meet, be completely civil and boring, and all ponies present will spend the next two weeks trying to find the joke in their words while treating every place a prank might be concealed as if it held the Tsar Bomba of glitter bombs. Only stopping when pony-Schnaden tells the they did nothing.
One of the oldest and best pranks ever. Getting the other people to the point of paranoia over nothing.
And Twiggy got yelled at. Good. GOOD. Maybe a few more and she'll final get some therapy for her mental issues.
11427920
Oh sweet... OUT OF MY WAY!!!!
*proceeds to hightail it to Charon at warp 50* No. I am not letting that mental image have a home!
Horrible, also weird, thought number 22. Discord is the Alicorn (mad) form of a Schadenfreude from somewhere and somewhen else!
Oh...no....
More evidence that Discord is none other than the new form of a certain angry Dorito after he invoked the pact with Axolotl!
"My time has come to burn. I invoke the ancient power, that I may return!"
"One way to absolve his crime, a different form, a different time."
And Discord absolved his crimes by reforming! Soooo, this means we have a natural crossover universe with "Gravity Falls", "Rick & Morty" (there are several unsubtle references to Bill in the show), and "MLP: FIM"!!