Schadenfreude HATES MAGIC

by Daemon McRae

Just brilliant, let's get him involved, shall we?

What had started as a jaunty walk at turned into an all-out sprint as I tore through the castle’s halls with Sunset hot on my heels. So hot, in fact, that most guards I passed didn’t bother chastising me for running in the halls, as they saw who I was running from before the sentence had formed in their heads. Thank the stars there was precedent for this, as I soon had a clear shot to the throne room.

Which only made Sunset run faster. I took a quick glance behind me, and saw that her hooves were glowing. She was obviously using some kind of speed spell. “Unicorn, Schaden!” she yelled triumphantly.

“Earth Pony, Sunset!” I yelled back, and took off.

Now, here’s the thing. Most, if not all, Earth Ponies have some kind of magical attachment to the, well, Earth. Some borrow the mountain’s strength, some attune themselves to the needs and wants of plants and wildlife, and some of us, namely, moi, can run almost as fast as pegasi fly.

Of course, it did help that I had a lifetime’s experience of ponies chasing me away from things at high velocities to back me up. I might be a skinny bitch, but I can muh-wooooove.

I burst through the front doors of the Royal Hall to a stream of rather indignant swears behind me, and came to a sliding stop just in front of the Princesses, who seemed to be in a rather important meeting. Oh, right, Beak Week.

Celestia gave me a look of both exhausted resignation and curious deja vu, as if we’d been to this place before. Luna, in contrast, bore an expression of morbid curiosity and slight relief. She was never one for diplomatic meetings. The surrounding hippogriffs, on the other hand, looked both alarmed and horribly confused.

“Who, pray tell, is chasing you this time, Schaden?” Celestia asked.

“Your daughter,” I said simply, pointing at the now wide-open double doors and a bright orange unicorn panting with rage.

Of course, I had seen Celestia confused before. Befuddled. Outright bewildered. But her current expression was one of such absolute incomprehension as to necessitate the use of one of my favorite words: flabbergasted. A shiny new level of absolute bafflement. I doubt I could ever, ever get her to make that face on purpose. Eyes wide, slackjawed to an almost medically impossible extreme, she looked back and forth between Sunset and I so quickly her jaw actually took a second to catch up.

I have also never, ever held in a laugh as hard as I was in that moment.

“What the fuck did you do?!” the Princess yelled at me.

I smiled radiantly. “It’s not my fault this time!” I said, with almost manic glee.

To which she immediately sighed. “Unfortunately, I believe you. You’re FAR too happy about that sentence for it to be a lie,” she elaborated, then turned her attention to the hippogriff delegation. “My esteemed guests, it seems I must table this discussion for later. A very rare and urgent family emergency has arisen, and I’m afraid, given who it involves,” she said with no amount of side-eye at me, “That ignoring it could be quite disastrous. Luna, if you would kindly show them to the hostelry, I believe some refreshment is in order while they wait.”

Luna smiled a big dopey smile and happily corralled the hippogriffs through the double doors. “This way, lords and ladies!”

“What’s a hostelry?” one of the delegates asked.

“It means BAR!” Luna shouted, followed by a mass of cheers from an eagerly retreating delegation.

Celestia sighed wearily again, and waved a now significantly calmer, although still distress, Sunset Shimmer into the room. “Alright,” she said “One at a time, and take it from the top- Schaden if you do a four count I will imprison you on PRINCIPLE.”

---------------

About an hour later, we had caught the Princess of the Sun up to speed. Which I was sure she absolutely regretted. “So let me get this straight. You brought the other Schadenfreude to Equestria-”

Sunset muttered a small “Uh-huh.”

“-who is a minor whom you ELECTROCUTED-”

“On accident!”

“-fine. Accidentally electrocuted. Then, of course, you and Twilight Sparkle who I will be having many many words with, proceeded to -rather smartly, I will admit- enlist the help of a Zebra who managed to remove a cursed artifact from, and I can not believe how much psychic damage I’m taking just saying this, the other fucking Schadenfreude, DISLOCATING HIS SHOULDER in the process and putting him in a DAY. LONG. COMA.”

“...that is correct, Princess-”

“-don’t you start with me young lady I’m not even CLOSE to done,” Celestia said firmly, in what was somehow her Royal Canterlot Voice AND her Mom Voice simultaneously. “Then, having discovered they were trapped as a girl, and bedridden, left them under the care of said zebra, and, having considered all your options, decided to involve THIS Schadenfreude, just so you could gain access to the restricted section of the library, without telling ME, LUNA, or even informing the…” she stopped to shudder slightly “Original Schaden that the minor you were trying to help was his counterpart?!”

“...yes, mom.”

The Princess pinched her nose slightly. Then a bit more so. “Hey Sunbutt, you might wanna stop,” I pointed out. “Last time you drew blood.”

She gave me a sideways glare, took her hoof off her nose (don’t ask me how you pinch your nose with your hoof I couldn’t explain it if I tried), and shook her head to regain some composure. “Thank you, Schaden. Alright, first things first. Yes, I know the gender change spell you’re talking about, Schaden. And no, we won’t be using that. There’s a far simpler method available.”

Sunset looked at her mom like she was, well, her mom. “What?! Why haven’t we been able to find it?!” She was immediately cowed by her mom giving her a disapproving glare.

“Because, Sunset,” Celestia said calmly. “If you had come to me earlier, I would have been able to tell you that Peyote the Mad was a pseudonym. The original sorcerer who created that awful artifact is, in fact, still around. And will most likely be extremely distressed to discover one of his old ‘toys’ survived this long, let alone made it to the human world. That is, if he wasn’t the one who activated the thing in the first place.”

I felt a familiar itch in the back of my head. “Who, uh, who is it a pseudonym for, exactly?” I asked cautiously.

The Princess answered by heaving a mighty sigh and rolling her eyes. “Discord.”

-----------

I’d like to say I was surprised by this turn of events, bu honestly, since making friends with the God of Chaos, my subconscious has developed a self-defense mechanism, in that any time his name pops up I just go “Of bucking course” and march on. That wasn’t to say I wasn’t significantly disappointed in him at the moment, but somehow it sounded like something he would have done. The old him, of course. It goes without saying that I’ve never actually met the old version of Discord. I doubt we’d be friends now, even given his earnest rehabilitation. Both of them. I’ve only ever known him as the still-chaotic but well-meaning natural disaster he’d become.

We found him, somewhat confusingly, in the small part of the castle cordoned off for when he stays in Canterlot for any length of time. I’d say ‘designated’, but he has an even longer list of rules than I do, and his are much more serious. Not that many of them are necessary anymore, but still. He likes the air of mystery and danger it affords him. And the privacy. Although he didn’t seem particularly concerned with either, upon seeing him. He was more focused on a large stack of what I would only hesitantly call books. Some of them were just stacks of paper, some barked, some… you get the idea. It’s Discord. His notes probably take him. Where, I wouldn’t ask.

He hadn’t even noticed the three of us entering his ‘study’ (we’d left Twilight in the restricted section, opting to keep Discord’s involvement a secret until necessary, as they still had… interpersonal issues) until Celestia coughed into her hoof. Discord looked up in a slight panic as Celestia said, “Discord. I believe we need to talk.”

“Not now, Princess, I’m very busy trying to find-”

“-your Penance Band?” Celestia asked seriously.

Discord looked at her with refreshed panic, until he noticed me. “Schaden! Oh thank heavens, there you are!”

Now it was my turn to look confused. “Um… hi? Good to see- ok what the hell did you do?”

He glanced nervously back and forth between Celestia and I, not even noticing Sunset Shimmer. Who, to be fair, seemed to be developing quite the headache just from being in the room. I was sure she’d never had to deal with Discord in person before. “Well, buddy, pal, I uh… may have… activated the band… as a prank? It was just supposed to show up and mess with you for a little while! I figured you’d either go to the Princesses, who would know immediately what it was, or would come find me your friend, and the resident master of chaos magic to help! At which point I would laugh and we would move on!”

I mulled the idea over. Honestly, it made sense. Discord, as misguided as he was, would absolutely see a Penance Band as a prank, especially if I could just walk up to Celestia, Luna, or him, and just get it removed if it became too inconvenient, or dangerous. “There’s a problem with that, though,” I said finally. “It went to the wrong Schadenfreude.”

He nodded vigorously. “Yes, I know! I’m sorry! When I created the bands thousands of years ago -yes, plural, yes, I destroyed all but one of them-, there wasn’t two constantly linked dimensions for them to choose from! And they were never meant to be attached to humans! I didn’t even know humans existed back then! I didn’t even realize I’d missed until two days had gone by and I hadn’t heard hide nor hair from you-” he said, pointing a claw at me, ‘-or you-” he added, gesturing to Celestia. “That’s when I figured something must have gone wrong, and I’ve been trying to track the little devil since! I had a bead on it for a few hours, and had narrowed it down to Ponyville, but I lost it again! And I didn’t want to just traipse into town and say ‘Hey, did anyone see this magical medieval torture device attached to an alternate universe clone of a really annoying butler’?”

He spoke very quickly and with a hint of panic. Which, I think, is what softened Celestia’s demeanor. I certainly believed he was sorry. “Discord, it’s fine,” she said soothingly. “The band has been removed. You lost the signal because it was destroyed. Unfortunately,” she added, with a glance at Sunset, “The… other… Schaden was still female when it was removed. We just need to to reverse the gender curse.”

“It still physically hurts to say ‘other Schaden’, doesn’t it?” I asked.

Sunbutt glanced over her shoulder at me. “Not that I have anything against your continued presence, but the immediate image of the sheer amount of paperwork two of you could generate in a DAY is almost nightmarish.”

Discord breathed a sigh of relief. “Is that all? Please, that’s very easy. Although I do have to ask, how’d you get the bracelet off, anyway?”

Sunset spoke up for the first time, and I was surprised to hear her voice come from the ceiling. I shouldn’t have been, but there you go. “A zebra friend of ours brewed an anti-magic potion for him to bathe in.”

Discord sucked in a hiss of air. “Ooh… bathe? How, uh… how’s his shoulder?”

Author's Note:

Almost done here! But don't worry, I already have an idea for the next one!

Comments

[ShadowLDrago]

Some borrow the mountain’s strength, some attune themselves to the needs and wants of plants and wildlife, and some of us, namely, moi, can run almost as fast as pegasi fly.

No doubt helped by your experience in running away.

A shiny new level of absolute bafflement. I doubt I could ever, ever get her to make that face on purpose.

And you're not doubt going to cherish this memory.

“What the fuck did you do?!” the Princess yelled at me.

For once? Nothing.

“One at a time, and take it from the top- Schaden if you do a four count I will imprison you on PRINCIPLE.”

Worth it.

The Princess pinched her nose slightly. Then a bit more so. “Hey Sunbutt, you might wanna stop,” I pointed out. “Last time you drew blood.”

With, hooves?

The Princess answered by heaving a mighty sigh and rolling her eyes. “Discord.”

... Of fucking course.

His notes probably take him.

I don't know how that works, but I don't want to know.

He spoke very quickly and with a hint of panic. Which, I think, is what softened Celestia’s demeanor.

Agreed. When Discord is panicking, things aren't great.

“It still physically hurts to say ‘other Schaden’, doesn’t it?” I asked.

Yes.

Discord sucked in a hiss of air. “Ooh… bathe? How, uh… how’s his shoulder?”

It, could be MORE dislocated?

[Pseudo Brony]

Well, something tells me that Discord's list is going to be added to very shortly.

And that, maybe, Sunset and Twilight will get lists of their own based on this whole catastrophe? Would be entertaining for Schadenfreude to call them 'list buddies' or something like that just to annoy the crap out of them once this is all over.

[Direct Access]

I kinda don't like that resolution, nor that portrayal of Discord.
Discord, trying to fix his own mess? Without anyone telling him to? That never happened before.
Also, Shaden does next to nothing Shaden-specific the entire story. One would at least expect something special when two meet. But with his current behavior, I suspect they just deport second one out, and the entire thing will remain as simply a story to tease others with.
Sure hope it's not the case.

[A.P.O.N.I.]

Luna smiled a big dopey smile and happily corralled the hippogriffs through the double doors. “This way, lords and ladies!”
“What’s a hostelry?” one of the delegates asked.
“It means BAR!” Luna shouted, followed by a mass of cheers from an eagerly retreating delegation.

YAY! "And there was great rejoicing."

I LOVE your Schaden. He make everyone around him seem so much more equine.

[Da Fennec]

Why can't we up-vote something multiple times

[Bookeater_otaku]

Discord doesn't feel like Discord here? I don't know, there is something in the way he acts that "not him".

And that ending with blaming everything on Discord feels like a cop-out somehow.

[PearlyDoesStuff]

Oh, yikes. I called angry Mom Celestia, but the fact that Sunset and Celestia barely got to talking after the three-year banishment incident...

[Rawislon03]

We found him, somewhat confusingly, in the small part of the castle cordoned off for when he stays in Canterlot for any length of time.

All the best palaces have their own Pelagius Wing.

[EvilTreerat]

Okay, did NOT see Discord coming into the scene like that. Granted it all fits together in hindsight but still. Well played sir, well played.

As for Sunmy and and Twiggy. You two are in So much trouble! This is going to make Gabby Gums and Anonymiss combined look like a little slap on the wrist.

[KVFFour]

Of course, it did help that I had a lifetime’s experience of ponies chasing me away from things at high velocities to back me up. I might be a skinny bitch, but I can muh-wooooove.

Honestly if magic scales independent of body mass and physique it means that he is a very light object with high impulse thrust
Nyooooooom!