This story is a sequel to Evening Crown
Princess Luna, Goddess Of The Night, Guardian Of The Lost, and Bane Of The Wicked... is just a pony.
She has lived more than a thousand years, but still endures the crashing waves of loss. She holds all lunar power and glorious might of the night in her hooves... but she still cannot save those she loves. She has fought every battle, held her beloved sister in terrible tears, and witnessed the fabrics of reality break at its seams... yet she was blind to the plight of her own ponies. It has been no less than a couple of months since the end of what is now being named, The Athenic War. The Sole ruler, Princess Luna, reflects upon her past and what she has lost. She remains regal and alone in her night, asking questions with seemingly no answers.
> This took quite some time to write. I desperately wanted this to be my work of art that everyone could enjoy. I really hope you all can be immersed in this short story that means so much to me.
While it is not required that you read this story first, or vice versa, it takes place in my Evening Crown AU. At what point in time? You'll just have to wait and find out.
Edited by: ArthurPaige
To start out, I would like to say that I really liked it! It was pleasant to read, and very melancholy.
I'm not a professional, but I'll go over what I liked and disliked, just for some general feedback. I haven't had a chance to read Evening Crown yet, so I'm not sure how that would alter my perception of this one.
Also putting my comment behind a spoiler:
The story's primary focus is about Luna, and her grief, and I feel it helps invest the reader in the emotion by focusing more on why Luna cared for Harmony rather than how she died.
That being said, I feel like the flashbacks skip ahead a bit too much. It's clear that Luna really cares for her, but I think it would've been nice to see more of how the two of them specifically became close.
Also, I know you said this was an attempt at poetry, and I feel that you did well at that. I appreciate the sort of "painting a picture with words" stuff, because I suck at it, and think you did a good job with it, making something that's overall easy and enjoyable to read.
Although I feel like the flashbacks clash with the general feel of the story because of that. It may have been better to have more, short flashbacks, or cut out the dialogue entirely and have the flashbacks be strictly narration.
These are really just my first impressions, but I hope it helps!
10659729
Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it! And in regards to how they grew closer together, that will be covered at a later date in Evening Crown. I am glad you enjoyed it, because it was a new type of writing for me as well.
I’ve had this little story on my Read Later bookshelf since it came out, and now I only wish I’d read it earlier! It is evident that you put a lot of effort into each sentence, and the analogies are all stunningly beautiful too. I think you’ve really captured Luna, her formal (sort of) way of speech and how she would think and feel.
The only thing I will say is:
I feel that this verb - bawling - just deters from the general mood, the first thing my brain leaps to when I see the word is something alike to a tantrum and I think it doesn’t accurately reflect Luna’s character - stoic and such. Perhaps she would be better ‘softly weeping’ or the like?
And the tag - ‘Bat Pony’ - might not be the best character to tag for this story. Normally a story with ‘Bat Pony’ would involve Luna and the community of bat ponies in general, but as you are only showing the interaction between Crescent Shock and Luna, maybe an OC tag would be better suited?
As always, wonderful work!
~Meowofy
10660877
Thanks for the feedback!
I had never used that tag before so I didn't really know what 'bat pony' covered. I'lll change that right away.