Another Speedwriting Anthology

by Decaf

Twenty Gallons [Comedy]

Author's Note:

Tags: [Pinkie] [Twilight] [Comedy] [Random]

CW: Blood, Death

Bragging Rights: Tied for first place in the 77th Panic Fiction contest.

"Is that really you?" asked Pinkie.

"Of course! Who else would I be?"

"Didn't you die?"

"Yes. Yes I did."

"But you're here, right now. Talking to me."

"That's right."

"Is that normal? I feel like it's weird, right?"

Twilight's incorporeal form scoffed. "Pinkie, ghosts talk to the living all the time."

"Really?"

"Of course! Haven't you ever done it before?"

"Not that I can remember."

Twilight shook her head. "Goodness. Well, I'll catch you up to speed. When a pony dies, they go to Tartarus."

"All ponies? I thought only bad ones went there."

"Pinkie, the afterlife doesn't have the time or energy to make the distinction between good and bad ponies. They all go to the same place."

"Alrighty," said Pinkie, her voice not quite as chipper as she intended.

"Anyway, I figured out how to come back to life."

"Oh, that's great!" said Pinkie. "So you're not dead anymore?"

"Well… right now, I'm still dead. I need your help to get back to life properly."

"Anything for a friend. What do you need?"

"Twenty gallons of blood, seven crow feathers, and nine baby teeth."

"Well it's a good thing I kept all my baby teeth!" said Pinkie.

"Why would you… nevermind. Can you get the other stuff?"

"Crow feathers I can borrow from Fluttershy, but twenty gallons is a lot of blood. Does it have to be a certain kind of blood?"

"I don't think so. Any blood will do."

"Well, if you can wait a few months, I can use my own blood. Get twenty gallons over a period of time."

"I'm afraid that's not going to work. I need to be alive tomorrow."

"What's the rush? Don't you have all the time in the world now that you're dead?"

"The fate of the world is at stake!"

"Again?" asked Pinkie. "It was at stake just a week ago!"

"Yes, again. Bring me back to life now or the world will be devoured by an unending void of darkness!"

"Okay, okay. I'll see what I can do. Just hold tight and, uh, do whatever ghosts do."

Pinkie darted out of the room, desperate for blood. She asked the first pony on the street for some, but she just screamed and ran away. Pinkie decided to bring it up with a friend first. Luckily, she spotted one nearby.

"Twilight! I thought you were haunting Sugarcube Corner."

Twilight blinked. "Why would I haunt anything?"

"Because you're a ghost!"

"Pinkie, I need to be dead to be a ghost."

"Yeah, and you died last week, remember?"

"No I didn't. I was in the hospital with rickets."

"Oh. I thought you were in the hospital for whip-its. If you ever take too many, those things will kill you dead. Not a nice thing."

"I don't take whip-its, Pinkie. I didn't die."

"Then who was that ghost?"

Twilight gasped. "You talked to a ghost?"

Pinkie nodded.

"Pinkie, ghosts aren't real. They're all demons in disguise. It was probably trying to trick you into bringing it over to the mortal realm."

"Oh. Well, good thing I didn't do that, then."

"Seriously! Did it ask for twenty gallons of blood upon the morrow?"

"No, it asked for twenty gallons of blood tomorrow."

"Pinkie, twenty gallons is three ponies worth of blood. It wanted you to become a murderer."

"But Twilight's my friend! She'd never do that to me!"

Twilight held her head with a hoof. "That wasn't me. I'm me."

Pinkie nodded. "I'm me too. We have a lot in common."

Twilight gave Pinkie a look. "Just show me where this ghost is."

"Sure thing!"

Pinkie led Twilight the Sugarcube Corner, humming all the way. The ghostly Twilight floated right where she left it.

"Give me the blood!" the apparition screamed.

"Stop that," said Twilight. "Use your inside voice."

"Blood! Blood! Blood!" the ghost chanted, its head spinning in painful-looking angles.

Twilight sighed. "This is just gonna make my headache worse. Pinkie, you can go home. I have an exorcism to perform."

The ghost flickered like a broken lightbulb, its body contorting into grotesque facsimiles of the equine form.

"You sure you don't need any help?"

"I could go for some coffee."

"Coffee and cake, coming up!"

Pinkie trotted into the kitchen and busied herself with her work.

Another day, another demon.