Having a horse's dick, not to mention the flare, pass through your cervix - while not only being immensely painful - would most likely cause some damage.
10641573 I understand, but with this story I didn't want it to be too realistic because I felt like the story wouldn't have come out the way I wanted it to, so I took some liberties with the realism.
There are some inconsistencies with the grammar here. With a lot of your dialogue, they aren't correctly punctuated.
Fluttershy responded with "Well his dick looks way too far in to still be in your pussy, beyond your pussy there is only one place for him to go" she said.
For example, here. I'm pretty sure that you're supposed to put a comma at the end of the speaking bit.
Also, the transitioning seems to be weak. Let's look at the same sentence.
Fluttershy responded with "Well his dick looks way too far in to still be in your pussy, beyond your pussy there is only one place for him to go" she said.
"Fluttershy responded with"? This doesn't sound particularly strong at all, and doesn't feel right when reading the story.
Applejack groaned and said "Rainbow, I don't know if you can tell, but I'm really not in a position right now to go explaining myself!".
No need for a period there. You already included an exclamation mark.
Despite this, Rainbow kept pressing "But...aren't you worried about...I dunno, being caught by the cops or something?" it was after this question that Twilight chipped in.
Spaces after ellipse... please. Also, there's supposed to be a comma at "Rainbow kept pressing".
"Well Rainbow, there isn't actually a law against bestiality, certainly it is still somewhat taboo and isn't actively encouraged, but it's perfectly legal." Dash turned to Twilight looking surprised, though Fluttershy for some reason didn't even flinch, Twilight realized what she had just implied "I don't know that because I'm interested in engaging in the activity! I was studying our legal system! I study more than just maths and science you know!" clearly offended, though whether it was the unspoken accusation that she might want to fuck an animal or that she didn't know anything outside of maths and science she was offended by was unclear at best.
When read out loud the beginning sentence doesn't flow right. You could replace the comma at the end of bestiality with a period, and capitalize Certainly after that.
though Fluttershy for some reason didn't even flinch,
Period, not a comma.
"I don't know that because I'm interested in engaging in the activity! I was studying our legal system! I study more than just maths and science you know!"
Put a question mark and an exclamation point, it makes more sense in this situation because Twilight is making a statement and asking a question at the same time.
This is just some stuff I saw through my first time reading. I'll try to see if I can proofread the entire chapter later.
The idea certainly is interesting, though. I'll keep reading on.
10647632 Yikes! Thank you so much for taking the time to point out all of those errors, I'm surprised you want to keep reading after that! My grammar when writing is the biggest problem I have, so I really appreciate you bringing these to my attention, I'll be fixing them immediately.
P.S. I'd also like to add an additional thank you, your comment made me go back and check my work on the sequel, part of the reason I hadn't posted it is that I wasn't confident in the grammar. Taking your points into consideration and applying them to the story, I saw plenty of room for improvements. Now that I've made the improvements, the sequel will be ready for readers all the sooner :) I will certainly be looking out for those kind of mistakes again in my future stories, I cannot express my gratitude.
Friend, this fic is brutal, I liked it a lot because you know the fic could be improved (what I would do would be to expand the caps a little more with more things or add others)
A very clear case is that it would be brutal to see how Applejack got caught in the first place "after leaving she could explain what happened to her friends as she had promised to tell them after they helped her" thus adding scenes of how that happened
10658808 Thank you for your feedback! I'm glad you liked it. You do make a very interesting point, I never did provide an explanation as to what happened before she got caught and how she got caught. I know that with every story I write there will be improvements to be made, while I don't intend on adding a "how did Applejack get caught" scene in this story, I will try to ensure that all loose ends are tied up in future stories. Thank You!
Having a horse's dick, not to mention the flare, pass through your cervix - while not only being immensely painful - would most likely cause some damage.
10641573
I understand, but with this story I didn't want it to be too realistic because I felt like the story wouldn't have come out the way I wanted it to, so I took some liberties with the realism.
There are some inconsistencies with the grammar here. With a lot of your dialogue, they aren't correctly punctuated.
For example, here. I'm pretty sure that you're supposed to put a comma at the end of the speaking bit.
Also, the transitioning seems to be weak. Let's look at the same sentence.
"Fluttershy responded with"? This doesn't sound particularly strong at all, and doesn't feel right when reading the story.
No need for a period there. You already included an exclamation mark.
Spaces after ellipse... please.
Also, there's supposed to be a comma at "Rainbow kept pressing".
When read out loud the beginning sentence doesn't flow right. You could replace the comma at the end of bestiality with a period, and capitalize Certainly after that.
Period, not a comma.
Put a question mark and an exclamation point, it makes more sense in this situation because Twilight is making a statement and asking a question at the same time.
This is just some stuff I saw through my first time reading. I'll try to see if I can proofread the entire chapter later.
The idea certainly is interesting, though. I'll keep reading on.
10647632
Yikes! Thank you so much for taking the time to point out all of those errors, I'm surprised you want to keep reading after that! My grammar when writing is the biggest problem I have, so I really appreciate you bringing these to my attention, I'll be fixing them immediately.
P.S. I'd also like to add an additional thank you, your comment made me go back and check my work on the sequel, part of the reason I hadn't posted it is that I wasn't confident in the grammar. Taking your points into consideration and applying them to the story, I saw plenty of room for improvements. Now that I've made the improvements, the sequel will be ready for readers all the sooner :) I will certainly be looking out for those kind of mistakes again in my future stories, I cannot express my gratitude.
Friend, this fic is brutal, I liked it a lot because you know the fic could be improved (what I would do would be to expand the caps a little more with more things or add others)
A very clear case is that it would be brutal to see how Applejack got caught in the first place "after leaving she could explain what happened to her friends as she had promised to tell them after they helped her" thus adding scenes of how that happened
10658808
Thank you for your feedback! I'm glad you liked it. You do make a very interesting point, I never did provide an explanation as to what happened before she got caught and how she got caught. I know that with every story I write there will be improvements to be made, while I don't intend on adding a "how did Applejack get caught" scene in this story, I will try to ensure that all loose ends are tied up in future stories. Thank You!