• Member Since 17th Jun, 2020
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

Cryohawk


Whelp I started off ghosting here, then got more involved, and now I'm trying my hand at writing...well let's give it a try

T

For millennia Princess Celestia had ruled over the lands of Equestria in peace and harmony, and in doing so the ponies of Equestria have lived a thousand years of peace and prosperity with their mighty Princess being a beacon of harmony and peace. Now Celestia's reign nears a millennia and ponies look forward to another millennium of prosperity. That is until one event that would change Equestria forever bringing back ancient dark evils and terrible secrets that could reveal a hidden dark history of Equestria and their mighty Princess.

But it may also bring hope for one ancient alicorn...

-{<()>}-  

Chapter Types
Normal Chapters: These are just normal chapters and are the main core of the story, and will progress the story.
Lore Chapters: These chapters will mainly go over concepts in more detail or concepts that I want to go over more. These chapters are completely OPTIONAL, you can skip these chapters and still understand what the story is about.
Flashback Chapters: These chapters will dive into the past of the three sisters and sometimes there will be large time jumps. While these chapters are optional, I would recommend them as they will really dive into the world, help define the sisters, and explore certain events.

-{<()>}-  

Hello there! so just wanted to say that this story is more than likely going to have a very infrequent update schedule (if you could even call it that) and that I am sorry if there are long pauses. I am doing this for fun and with school, my laziness, and just getting distracted by everything I see there are going to be gaps between updates. BUT I will try my hardest to work on and hopefully finish this story as I know the feeling of a story that never gets completed. So some final thoughts are well leave comments if I screwed up anywhere and your opinions and well I hope you enjoy this!... Oh also this is my first story so I'm trying :twilightsmile:

Chapters (14)
Comments ( 52 )

Really good start look forward to reading more

Seems legit so far, let's see where this goes. Also TwilightXCadance OTP!!!!!

I really hope Twilight gets modern language down by next chapter. It was pretty painful trying to read old.......pony english?

10652434
Yeah, I know its a little rough I just thought it could bring a new component to the story, sorry if it was a little hard to read. it is very reduced in the next chapter

Celestia looks around her private chambers seeing her massive canopy bed that could hold three alicorn her size with pure white drapes, red covers, as well as red blankets with her cutie mark imprinted on the sheets. On either side of her bed are white nightstands that were outlined with gold. On the opposite side of the room from where she stood was a pair of double doors that lead to her, frankly, large bathroom with its ridiculously large bath, that covers half of the room, that also had a miniature waterfall of all things. The right side of the room, opposite to her bed, was a pair of doors that lead down a set of stairs to her office/lounge/nap room/tearo…well she calls it her “everything room”. The only other features to note were a few windows with their curtains opened letting her sunlight into the room, as well as a room divider that blocked the view of her large wardrobe which held some of her dresses and her royal regalia.

hmm...

"everything room"

Hmm...?

HMMM!!!

Well, onto the actual comment, the first thing I notice when coming here were the paragraphs. They're quite long. They should be broken up into topics, and after a moment, I could see some ways of breaking some of them up.

The second thing I noticed was the dialogue. You can have quotes end with nothing, the need to end with a comma, period, exclamation mark, or question mark. And there were some other problems I saw with the dialogue, but so far everything can be cleared up with this guide. The paragraphing and dialogue section are the ones I recommend.

And from the criticism to my thoughts:rainbowlaugh:

First off, I haven't read past chapter one yet, but I hope Twilight doesn't burn anything in Celestia's 'everything room.':derpytongue2:

Anyways, this is quite a unique story, there aren't many AU stories that do more than add to the world. It'll be interesting seeing where this will go. Normally I'm not too big a fan of AU, which might be because the AU is mostly headcanon which isn't told to the readers leaving somethings completely unknown, or it might just be me being weird. Either way, I have one last thing to say. 'Three Sisters...' AU is that Twilight, Luna, and Celestia are sisters... I wonder where Cadence is...

EDIT:

The third thing I've noticed is the emotional scenes, the characters one moment are sitting, and the next bursting their eyes open. While context clues are enough to filling vaguely what's going on, to me at least, doesn't really capture the full scope of the emotions of the characters.

Whenever I myself am in a similar position to her, I tend to go quiet and think in my mind for a long while and might need a few moments to recompose myself. The way it's described feels a bit fasted pasted. When I write out a scene like that, I try to drag it out a bit, to fully encompass the emotions passing through them.

Though that's all just my opinion, it might be different for someone else.

10659732
First of all, thanks for reading this story and taking the time to leave the comment and point out the flaws

For the paragraphs, Yeah that is probably one of the things that I have had a problem with as I never really know where to start a new paragraph, though I do like to think I got a little better. But yeah I'll try to get them to be shorter.

The dialogue was very different for me as I never really wrote dialogue before so I'm trying to get rid of some of the rules my brain creates for how a sentence is supposed to end. I think I may look at that guide again for the dialogue.

Now the emotional scenes I can definitely see what you mean. I always felt that I was kinda going fast sometimes, but I never really knew how to extend it longer without it feeling like, well, fluff for extending the scene. I'll try to work on it for the future though.

Thanks again for reading this and well I always liked stories that gave the sisters another person that they know and care about, also really anything with them in general. So thanks for the points I'll try to go over the guide and what you said, honestly, it really helps give me an idea of what the hell I'm doing.

Oh also what's wrong with Celestia's "everything room" :fluttercry:

Nice work, waiting for the next chapters!!!

I'll readily admit that I often skip 'lore' chapters when they're just the author dumping a tidy version of their notes or a glossary. I enjoyed this though, and I appreciate the effort to make it read like a non-fiction textual tour. Not least because it was one of the better efforts I've seen.


That said, there was still some overly conversational language and vagaries that took away from the 'textbook' feel.

Starting sentences with things like "So", "Another thing", "Some interesting facts" and so forth feels very conversational. Like a tour-guide buying time to think or draw attention back to themselves. It's unnecessary chaff in a book.

You've been thorough describing colour and layout, but somewhat vague with historical titbits. Obviously there are limits to how long and information dense you want the chapter to become, but that sort of thing is often the point of reading a book like this. For example:

Holding up the room are multiple ornate pillars that line the walls

What style are they? And how dense? Maybe they're "Two dozen Intricate Corinthian columns" or "Six monolithic Ionic pillars capped with delicate scrollwork". Good excuse to make up some horse puns too, if you're into that sort of thing.

The garden was also turned into an animal sanctuary, with many of the animals that live there being endangered and are considered protected by Equestria.

"Was turned into" implies known history. What year and why? Maybe some detail about the animals - Perhaps "Equestria's second largest aviary occupies much of the north wall" or it "houses the last known mating pair of San Palomino Basking Geckos" or whatever.

The castle’s spa is one of its newer additions in the castle, with it only being built a few decades ago.

Again, implied known history. Also ambiguous, since the book will age. Maybe it was built "during the abnormally hot summer of 910" or as a result of "the hygiene craze following an epidemic in the late 880s". Maybe it replaced "a spartan communal washroom which Princess Celestia described in 'The Canterlot Gazette circa 900' as 'Functional. For some interpretations of the word.'"


Some of the writing also comes across as opinionated rather than factual.

“Princess Twilight”, some sources indicate that she had some relation to Princess Celestia

Sounds dismissive and leading. It's also out of place in a book which probably has a chapter on the former triarchy and Celestia's current reign. The line is obviously there because it provides lore for the readers of the main story. Bits like this could use being phrased in terms of known facts, eg "'Princess Twilight', part of the original ruling body of Equestria. Her exact relation to Celestia is unsubstantiated (See chapter 8: The Celestial Triachy)."


I got a bit carried away, sorry. I don't know if you care for this sort of feedback, but it's because it's a rare good attempt that I wanted to nitpick.

10690802
First of all, I really do care about this feedback so thank you for the advice I really do appreciate it. Also, I'm glad you liked my attempt at the new format for this chapter.

Now, to be honest, all your points are very valid like the chapter has a tendency to be a bit conversational, now that I look at it I can see what you mean.
For the historical bits, I kind of was a little worried when making this that if I over-explained certain parts in the chapter, but I do see what you mean from some of your examples and honestly I'm already starting to think of some Tibbits that I could add to some parts of the chapter.
The final point well while you're right about it being a bit decisive well there is at least a little bit of a reason, but that will come later in the story

Thanks again for your points they do help me better understand how to do later chapters like this and I will go back to this and older chapters later and may revamp these chapters, but that's probably not going to be for a little while as I want to keep pushing this story forward and hopefully by then, I will have more experience to pull on.

Thanks for reading this story and I hope you'll like where it goes:trollestia:

Ok this is good! I'm invested and can't wait to see how things are going to go.

but no what they do they can’t find out what the magic is supposed to do or how to get it out.

It should be.
but no matter what they do they can't find out what the magic is supposed to do or how to get it out.

10731497
Hey thanks for telling me. :twilightsmile:

Fun Fact: When I read your comment, I had a few brain farts as I kept subconsciously adding the word matter.

Celestia better tell Twilight all the differences now. Or at least soon.

I really like the story so far..and I'm hoping to see more soon :pinkiehappy:

10799550
I'm glad you like it and don't worry I'm still working on it. It's just taking some time for the next chapter :twilightsheepish:

Nice! I've been gone too long but having all these lovely updates to go through is very nice! Thank you for these!

10819310
No problem. Thanks for kind words and glad you like the story:twilightsheepish:

Comment posted by TheScottishbroneyforlife deleted January 25th

I wanna know more about the cult.

10826219
Don't worry I do plan on explaining who they are later. In do time.

I was wondering where Twilight was before I got to the end of the chapter

He continues to torment us Celestia’s thoughts started to take a darker turn I should've killed him in c in er ate d hi m wit h t h e SUN, m ake him se e how it FEELS TO BE ALONE FOR ONE THOUS -

Oh boy, I’d imagine this is foreshadowing for daybreaker

Why does Celestia blame herself for what happened to Twilight? Personally, I see no reason for self-flagellation when, technically, in this case, Celestia is not to blame.
(which cannot be said about what happened to Luna. Although it is still too early to assert this, since I still do not know how things are in this AU)

nice interaction between sisters, but for some reason I periodically have the feeling that of the two sisters, Twilight is the eldest.

10860610
I think it's more just self blame probably amplified by what happened to luna. Although in this case it's not her fault it doesn't stop her from blaming herself

some may consider this chapter a filler, but to me personally, it seemed to me sincere. I love it when the author pays attention to detail in his creation.

I knew that in the end something would happen because everything was going too well. But I expected that either the army of pegasus or the army of unicorns would burn the village (after all, before the unification of the warming hearth, the three races of ponies were in conflict), but I was very surprised that this was done by some kind of united aria led by some new person.
what was that anyway? Was this a teaser for a new future villain?
I would not be surprised if it turns out that the village was burned because the leader of this army had a prophecy that he would be overthrown by 3 unicorns living among the earthly ones who are destined to rise. And for this, he is trying to prevent this prophecy from coming true, but at the same time he himself launches it on the implementation.

10864856
Hey thanks for the complement, Hope you like where it goes:twilightsmile:

“Well, the specific way she wonderfully puts it is “Those beetroots are a sin to ponykind and should be incinerated in cleansing solar fire. And any creature that dares to say they like them should be branded heretics and forced to eat cake until their sinful tastes are purified”.

Oh no, I am a "heretic" because I like beets. Moreover, I like the taste of almost all types of vegetables. Thirdly, I have low blood sugar - I don't know what that means, but the doctor joked that I should eat more sweets.

10865734
Well I guess another heretic goes on Celestia's purification list
CELESTIA'S PURIFICATION LIST
# Twilight (may go light on)
# Raven Inkwell
# New-Doctor_Den

I must say that this memory was calm, lamp and sweet. I expected something to happen in the end, and I'm glad my prediction didn't come true. Although it is natural that there should be a major crisis ahead.

Shouldn't Twilight's ability to create magic-free zones in a world filled with magic be similar in effect to dramatically creating a vacuum in an area using a vacuum bomb?
the sudden creation of a vacuum leads to the fact that the air quickly tries to fill it, similarly, the surrounding magic should strive to fill the resulting empty space. In theory, this ability has very destructive potential.

10891208
It used to be much longer. But Celestia "fixed" those ponies some time ago :trollestia:

10891574
Why does Celestia want to "fix" the heretics at all? Indeed, it is thanks to them that there is less tasteless food. 🙃

10891647
That's because Beetroot is the food of TARTARUS and she simply wants to save her little ponies from damnation.

10891679
then it is better for her not to know that I know a site where there are more than 700 recipes for beetroot dishes. 😕

It would be funny if Shining Armor turned out to be Twilight's great-great-grandson.
For some reason I thought that he would not appear in this story.

when it came to the royal guard, I already thought that Shining would make a speech like ...

Knight..
The one who guards the crown ...
Someone who will protect the weak at all costs.
He who will achieve justice by all means!
the present sirs have forgotten it ...
They are mired in idleness.
There are only ways of feasting and prancing during tournaments.
Time to remind them who a real knight is.
..And when the last villain is defeated.
.. when my glory spreads throughout these lands ...
people will exclaim ..
My God, look at this knight!

Changelings? Or the justification for murder or some shit idk.

I must say that the hidden threat Lord Draven is trying to prevent is quite intriguing. Although at the moment I suspect it is Changelings. (This seems pretty obvious given how often they are used as antagonists.)

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