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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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An underwater Stable? This is not going on my read later list, this is a instant fav for that brilliant idea. You can count on me coming back and making a review later on!
good chapter
1320459 Thank you very much Though I cant believe that I am the only person to think of it, there must be another out there somewhere. If you are interested there are details of the stable design on the Fallout Equestria Wikia.
1320484 I can't believe you read the whole chapter in less than an hour! It took a week to write
1320748
Well... I had the idea in my head (yeah right that is something all can say) for some time now, but I am more a reader than a writer must I see in the eyes. But I do not complying over it, with all the lovely stories that are out there
By the way, if I like what I read then see me as a proof reader. For I need to have a finger in a story that have the underwater stable that I have dreamt about
1323518 Over's corrected, thats Word trying to be helpful but I clearly didn't look close enough in the proof reading. The comma is gone too
There was more in that exposition section but I cut out about 500 words as it was just getting ridiculous
1323783 All very valid points and true. In my defense I am a product designer and engineer rather than a writer but the only way to get better is to write and gather feedback. Any help and advice on how to make the characters more approachable and rounded would be greatly appreciated! Especially Francium and Helix and Tungsten!
'Large plot' wise, the planning has indicated some 400'000 words or more, 45 chapter and three 'parts' to the book. Weather it will end up like that, we will all have to wait and see. Fingers crossed!
1324504
I am glad you are taking that so well. I would love to help, however, I am reluctant to step in as a pre-reader only because I have a lot on my plate already. Though if I am going to be doing this anyways... Tell you what, if you're using G-docs then I can help.
As for the characters.
The biggest issue is that it is too late in the story to create the attachment, as most won't make it past the first two chapters. If you're serious about it you would need to go back and rework at least the first chapter.
It's really all comes down to letting the characters interact with each other. Exposition is boring and draining on the readers. It's akin to reading a rap sheet instead of actually meeting the person. Sure we get all this information on them, but they are little more than a name and facts on paper. Changing the exposition into scenes of characters interacting allows us to get to know them as ponies that we can connect with.
One scene that comes to mind was the confrontation between Fran and Tungsten regarding Helix. It would have worked much better to play out him walking in on the two of them and forcing the characters to actually deal with each other in the heat of the moment. Seeing the brother, sister, and the pony who loves both of them struggle to deal with their feelings or just get mad and throw things depending on how the scene plays out.
Overly long comment done.
-Cheers
Still enjoying. Good luck and can't wait for next chaper. Also will proof read if you wish, as I think the errors are increasing and it sometimes distracts from the story to read incorrect spelling or punctuation. But that's just nit picking
I have 3 proof readers but thanks for the offer anyway, they are finding all the mistakes. I am afraid the next chapter may be a while; university has just jumped into high gear!
I read through this chapter at last. I have noticed some minor spelling errors but the rest of this chapter is pretty solid.
Seems I didn't comment on this one after I read it. I liked Mantis and his story. I'll reread this chapter at some point and give you my views when they're still fresh in my head cos I cant remember anything atm
That facet character? Is she the one that Littlepip hears about who fell from a lift?
Beginning chapter four already because hey, why not? So here goes!
Glad to see you're not going to town with the angst. I appreciate that Fran is going to have a little angst after a situation like that, but I really don't want to see another repeat of Project Horizons.
So, so very glad you're not doing a repeat of Project Horizons.
...which I know I've mentioned a few times now, but fuck, it's a very dominant fic that puts dibs on anything it can.
though she has the same gun and the same SATS. - had, not has. Though some would argue that my past/present tense is an issue, it just feels much more fluent to say had the same gun unless you're in conversation and listing what you have.
“Yeah. One night to many.” - too many.
“Like Stave says, Soooo much fun!” - no caps on the sooo
Two beautiful filly’s. - fillies, not filly's. I'm starting to think that if I catch up in time, maybe I should offer my pre-reading services to you or something? hah.
“We need to find a proper doctor or better a trauma specialist.” - 'or better yet', just a suggestion and I don't expect you to change it, but its these suggestions that keep you on the ball if you keep thinking about them.
The more you train yourself to subconsciously think about all the options, the better.
You might think your version is best and fair play if so, I just saw it and thought maybe you'd appreciate it.
“Something interesting?” Helix appeared beside me. I saw her eyes widen as she scanned over the manifest. “A stable? Here? But the sign said it was a Mine?” - given the nature of it, you've got this the wrong way around in capitalisation.
A mine is a non specific term, although it's specific in what it is, we'll call it non specific for this explanation. Stables should always be capitalised however because they're a specific place and not a general term.
So yes, mine not Mine, Stable not stable.
“You won’t lose me.” I held her back - I held her back implies that Fran is holding her away from herself. 'I [description] as I held her in return' would work so much better here and convey what you meant to say properly.
The mate groaned and rolled her one eye. - mare.
“Oh no... your eye. - missing the end quotation mark.
End of chapter.
Again, good chapter. Nicely handled town defence segment though it was a little rough in the transition between fighting and medic stuff. Did Fran and Helix leave before the fighting ended (I could tell it was dying down...) or was it a case of 'OH SHI-, SHE NEEDS HELP!' ?
I won't lie to you, I skimmed over the historical records for the most part because they seemed unimportant mostly (I got the gist of it and read about the mare who died.) and like I've mentioned previously, pre-war details like these tend to irk me a little. Not because they don't fit canon or anything like that, but because I just don't enjoy them a great deal. Personal preference.
The encounter with the hunter pony was cool and I like your take on bloatsprites.
Knick Knack holding back on grenades because she could get a higher rate for them elsewhere felt good to me. She has all so many similarities to Ditzy but that then made her stand out as her own character. Ditz would sell them to the town out of kindness, despite the lower rate, so yeah, good to see she's not a total carbon copy.
As always, I had fun reading the chapter. Thanks for writing this and I hope my feedback helps you. I try my best to add as much as I can think to say into it because I know the majority of readers will never say a word and out of those who do, most of it is only 'good chapter, I liked it.' which doesn't help one bit.
Uh... not completely sure, but I think a week is longer than a fortnight (four nights, right?). The way this is worded makes it sound like they have to replace them every four days, rather than the seven days that they used to do.
Technology: You can't explain it!
"New Quest Perk: The LAW (1) - You are in possession of the ‘Jury’ Class weapon prototype manufactured by Arcano Technologies. Make sure you stock up on Spark batteries"
I see what you did there
This was a nice, solid chapter. I'll write more once I've properly caught up.
3293711
a fortnight is 14 days, not one week
Good old Mantis, I think he'll be a likeable one.
A bit annoying with the terminal entries as they aren't in italics...
Would make them stand out better