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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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another good chapter sad that she died though
1268451 I won't say either way for the orb or the mysterious compound; that would spoil the story. You will just have to keep reading
And there may be a few physical mistakes in terms of how things react but movies always break real world physics so why shouldn't books.
Though I do remember a Mythbusters episode where they deal with a diver and lack of air... cant quite remember what happened but he was defiantly dead!
1270107 True, I guess fiction tends to skimp on some of the harder aspects of physics. I was using data from scuba dives; the record dive is somewhere around 300 meters without any caved chest cavities, but then again, their lungs were filled with pressurized heliox and not unpressurized air. In the Mythbusters video, the dummy got crushed, but seeing as people have been to three times the depth, there must be some extenuating factors. It's just too bad we don't have any real-world examples of bodies getting dumped from 150 meters then eaten by a radgator.
Now I have to figure out what ouroboros have to do with this story. It will probably be revealed in time, but hopefully it won't be one of those things that even after a million words you have no idea what the title is even about (I'm looking at you, Project Horizons)
Great cjapter Eventhorizon, of course I already knew that since I pre-read it .
Still an enjoyable chapter, glad you took my suggestions and fixed what needed to be fixed whilst I was away.
1273590 It's about following EC-1101 which will ultimately grant full access to pre-war programs and assets of Equestria to a single pony, including Project: Horizons which seems to be the one mystery of the entire fic that has to have a satisfying payoff or the fans will be furious. (Myself included, 50+ chapters and if it just opens a cache of weapons or a single megaspell I will flip out.)
lovin this
The chapters keep getting better. We've learnt a bit more about Francium, now we know that as well as the constant war between split personalities sanity and sex drive, she drives a hard bargain is prone to missinterpreting speech in conversation (that's the second time she's confused a ponies name with something else). Her love of everything tech is no doubt inspired by your own and it comes across well. We've got more characterisation about others too. Smoking, the gruff wise pony in keeping everyone safe. Tungsten seemed eager to jump in and put on his confident in-charge face (as well as being trigger happy) but ultimately smoking seems to be the boss. Definately room to build on the power struggle there (which you probably have done in subsequent chapters anyway). Seafire, sexy, knowledgeable, flirty and with a soft spot for shotguns. Cheque and Swarf are interesting too. Maybe add another bodyguard inside the shop though. Those two don't exactly come across as threatening. A few things I think could do with improving: Fair enough that the idea of trapping 150 ponies under the sea to die might be incomprehensible and might not sink in straight away (still could do with some more shock about this though, an overheard conversation between mother and child in which the child is distraught that he'll never see dad again, some muttered conversations and rumours, which of course are true, about the button that tungsten pressed killing everyone) but seeing a ponies neck being snapped after you thought you were all safe and the bone sticking out of that guys leg- surely someone should be crying hysterically (in panic stave legs it away from the water and hides behind a rock shaking and someone has to comfort him, or something similar). Just a couple of ideas to add more impact. Also I feel that you're using the "little pony in my head" line a bit too much, I joked about split personalities but any more time with this guy and he'll become the main character! It's an interesting way to express the inner most feelings to the reader that Francium is trying to supress but you don't have to use it ever time. Oh and how exactly are the stable ponies trapped underwater again? Surely the door's been opened so cant they come out and join the rest of them in leaving before they freeze or suffocate?
Keep up the good work, you've really impressed me with your writing skills.
Bro
Nice to see the laser weapons treated with some kind of respect as to their power. If even a laser pistol can do something like that (hoof sized dent in the wall) then that's not exactly a wimpy weapon.
"There was almost nothing left of the concrete and tarmac in places. Sometimes it had been broken apart by lots of stubby plants or been buried entirely under rock that had slipped from the cliff." - this would probably be better as one sentence using a commma.
"Smoking had been right; there were quite a few signs of; not civilisation per se," - the use of ; twice irks me. It's supposed to be used to make a list while continuing a sentence, hence the comma.
So to fix it, I'd recommend changing the first one from that to a comma, so it'd read 'Smoking has been right,' and even better than the second use of it even would be a 'pause' using ...
And then again, with the and;, which would be better off with a comma in my mind.
Don't worry about using a comma more than once in a sentence if the structuring supports it. When you refer to someone by name mid sentence, or make a side comment to deliver more depth to detail, a second comma to quickly portion off the descriptive piece.
Nice tenseness with the (I assume) radigator.
Yup, no way that's anything but. Very nice tenseness, really sets the feel for the story I assume. The characters aren't able to shrug off something like that with ease.
Good to see the sparkle cola is going to make a big difference. I should've, but didn't expect it to become an economic bartering chip rather than simply extending the amount of drinkable liquid they have. (Because as you might know, you can only live three days wihtout liquid. Up to something like a week or two for food.)
Not that I would have had an issue with it simply extending their survival time/rate, just that it's nice to see you obviously thought about these things early on.
standing in the middle in lurid clothing ,posing - need to fix the space around the comma.
I have to admit, I laughed hard at the questions. I suppose they're from Knick Knack and not any of the Stable ponies...
He eyed us warily taking, in Smoking - no need for the comma here. It actually hurts the flow if anything.
Nice 10mm minigun. Bet a real one would cost many a cap.
Twin barrel anti-machine rifle huh? Sounds a little extreme to be fair. Only on a tank, APC, IFV or perhaps a heavy humvee would you find anything even close to that.
50.cal rifles (which that is, given its anti-machine status) hold tremendous recoil and to think you could make use of anything more than a single barrel without a heavy base is ludicrous. I know I use a single barrel anti-machine rifle in my own fic, but that's single barrel and as such, there's no rush to fire the second shot.
Still, interesting concept which like I say, could be utilised if they had the proper set-up for it. A belt feed for a single barrel would still be more effective, however.
Good chapter. Nice teasing from Seafire. Good to see Helix getting a little antsy over it.
I hate what Blackjack and Glory became. I initially liked it a whole load more than I did Pip x Homage but then eventually it became 10x worse.
Again, feels real and not over-reacting but making sure of what's going on.
I like it.
The bartering was well played, very well played. So was the first ghoul encounter.
Wondering if there'll be any trouble coming out of Seafire going into the 'club' as I'll call it. Also from the two drunk ponies who might be put in harms way if shit goes down for some reason. Would be quite tense to be up at the viewpoint when shit goes down.
Mind you, that probably won't happen, but still.
Great chapter, fun to read and easily done. Really enjoying this.
Oh god, I lost it at this part. Mostly because my own story has everything on the OP side (seriously, the MC starts off with an enchanted .44 revolver), but also because they have no idea what lurks the wastes. They wouldn't last three days in the Outlands with just a 12 gauge. I also laughed because of this, one of the weapons Xero's companions make later in my story, and its just a tad bit more powerful than a nice 12 gauge.
th02.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2013/127/6/3/deliquesce_wip_by_turtledude999-d64g1hx.png
Here if that didn't work.
Here's another image of it.
If you've read Project Horizons, imagine Trottenheimer's Folly as a battle-saddle mounted cannon. This thing uses crystallized taint for beam focusing and ammunition. Xero describes it as "a Flankenstein's Monster of energy weapons."
1273590
You have to remember that with Scuba the air you're getting isn't unpressurised, it's always fed in at the same presure as the surrounding water, which is why you get the bends if you come up too quickly because that increased pressure promotes nitrogen transfer in the lungs. Although when you get to immense depths it gets difficult.
Anyway, since the story is getting underway I thought I'd better pen out a few initial thoughts. First and foremost, this story is taking a GrimDark tack from the off as opposed to most others opening dark and getting progressively more grim.
Setting up the stable and then brutally tearing it down was really well done, I personally got a mounting sense of horror when it emerged that it wasn't going to be a simple 'someone neds to go and find materials to rebuild' and all spiralled rapidly out of control until the majority of people are dead. Most likely because you took your time setting up the stable and getting the reader familiarised with it.
Then you have Ambrosia, dying extremely quickly topside after it seemed like she was going to be fine (a predator taking the amount punishment it did before backing off then coming back for more being extremely unrealistic aside it was an extremely good shock death).
Also it's been set up that the story will most likely be about providing for the survivors of the stable, although if things continue the way they have been we're in for a rollercoster and most of them will wind up dead (or worse).
At the moment my foreshadowing sense went off most strongly for Seafire, with the descriptions of purity and such setting it up for some particularly unpleasant stuff, which I'm not too sure would be a good idea to do unless you handle it really well (although of course I'm hoping that nothing bad happens to any of the main characters, it will and will get slightly stale if it never does).
The weapon info seemed a bit odd as well, especially for Soarin's minigun- typically a rotary cannon will fire at at least 2,000RPM out to a kilometer. In fact you can get a Browning heavy machine gun to get a rate of fire of more than 600 rounds per minute accurate(ish) to over a thousand yards. But if we're running on game physics here it doesn't matter and it really isn't an important part of the story.
Incidentally the weapon sizes for the battleships would make Celestia a heavy cruiser, pretty much the upper limit of a cruiser in the Washington naval treaty (the only ships with 7.5 inch guns were the Hawkins-class cruisers, which had seven main guns all in single mountings on the deck rather than in turrets). For Luna, 10 inch guns would mark her as a predreadnought battleship. Given that the weapon technology only (allegedly) had twenty years to develop that's still remarkable development.
This story gets better chapter after chapter, nice work altogether! I really like how you depict the city of Viewpoint, as well as all the environment around the Lake. I can picture the world you're trying to build, and I think I like what I'm seeing. Also, the lake seems like a dangerous place... poor Ambrosia.
er,
How? Did she conjure it from nothing? Was she a moonshiner back in Stable17 and has had this in her saddlebags all along? Wha'd I miss?
11562051 - Yep, pretty much - Ponies need hobbies! That and it's good practice to built and maintain such a setup.