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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Ok, it admit it. I liked it, which is more that I can say for almost every other FoE fic. Reminds me of working in a submarine, I guess. Anyway, I'm still debating on whether to favourite or not. I'm not sure I could handle weeks between updates
what happened to the Stable cant wait for the next
Glad to see your story on here Eventhorizon. And you chose the perfect time to post it as it was added to the list of stories that updated/just started on Equestria Daily. Love this story, the underwater stable was an excellent idea and I like your choice of names, Like Francium which people might initially assume is a made-up/human name but is actually an element.
Only thing left to do is center the * but otherwise flawless first chapter, leaving the readers anticipating the next exciting chapter.
1211030 I pre-read it for the author, so I know what happens in chapter 2, but I'm not an arse so I won't spoil it. All I can say is stick around, things are about to get...really interesting .
Comma is out of place.
There are a couple places where you switch between Over Stallion and Overstallion.
Interesting story so far. Props for originality. Your character is... odd, which is a good thing. A little more exposition than I like, but being chapter 1 it is forgivable. As a general rule it is better to actually have events happen in the story or by explained in dialogue rather than monologue.
I am personally not a big fan of asides in non comedies, but that is just me.
I'll probably have more to say at each chapter.
-Cheers
So... It is only like 3AM, but that dosn´t mean that I can´t make my REVIEW TIME!
It was a overall good first real chapter. We saw a lot of the Stable, a lot of the underwater world and a few glimpse of something bigger here and there. Not bad at all
Both a Overmare and stallion? That was a new one. But that is not surprising with all the other nice new ideas that are showing up in this story.
One of the thing you have going and is loving is the tecnomagic you have here. And I think that this is one of the best stories out there that are doing it, with pair to SAT. You are walking on the edge of the knife perfect, taking both magic and science and make them support each other. I am almost out of words on how good I think that this is. Perfect I say. Perfect. (Or so perfect it can be)
Why is it that I get a feeling that this stable is one of those where all the ponies have a high IQ and could be working with rocket science... even there underwater. Not that I dislike that in any way. It is a nice touch. Like the whole process of how you get a foal, with this the only Stable that I have seen yet that I think could make it genetic with "only" 250 ponies in it. Though they do not know what MOA is, how could that be... only time will tell.
"Sit on my horn and spin." I saw what you did there
There is some few places here and there where there is missing a word or used one to many by my head, but that could also just be because I am a Dane and English isn´t my mother tongue. But the overall picture is good, it could use some more personal touch from Francium, not that what you have here is bad, but it is a little bit clinical some places here and there. But it is mere bagatelles.
One of the other things I also want to mention is that we still don´t know what Francium looks like. We know what her cutiemark is, are loving it by the way, but not a single word about her mane, hide or colours. Also a little thing that are showing with the world overall. The only thing that I got a real inner picture of was the EVA suits, where I would love some more words about the design of the Stable and what not. But that is just me
Sorry it took me so long to get around to this. Of course, I've read this chapter before but here are a couple of suggestions I may or may not have made before.
It would be nice to get a few descriptive paragraphs every now and again, for example you could really go to town on the orchard. What does the simulated season look like, is it 'night' at the moment, or is the sun setting? What do the colour of the leaves remind her of? Does it smell like autumn? Maybe the season generators leave a tangy taste in the air. And drop the odd descriptive line in other places, whatever situation characters find themselves in try to imagine their senses. Also try describing her feelings more, like the sickening sense of dread and fear at the destruction caused by the rolling pipeline (though that could come next chapter).
I'm personally not a fan of how damn horny Francium is but i guess that's something you've decided to go with. I thought it was only guys who though about sex that much
I'm sure there was something else i was gonna mention but I cant remember.
Of course these are all things to make it even better, there's nothing bad here at all. Great chapter, I like all the dialogue about the relationship fiasco (a little bit of personal experience in there perhaps?)
Oh and the Americans have their dates messed up so in the future it might be worth adding that dates are in English.
Bro
Wow. Very interesting. Fantastic cliffhanger. Now I read more.
Welp, somepony's getting fired.
Nice read though. I'll stop here since you say you're fixing the future chapters for extended enjoyment. I'll have to wait for those, then.
So, I've been constantly forgetting to read this - until now.
When I saw it at the top of my update list I realised I always told myself I'd get around to reading it properly and I just never pushed myself to do so.
Now I've gone through it properly paying attention. Reread the prologue and this chapter, very, very much enjoyed it. Planning on reading a chapter a night time giving me the opportunity to do so, though I'm not vastly sure about tomorrow night.
Still, I'll get through it as fast as I can to catch up if it continues to be this good!
I made a little set of notes while reading, they're not very well organised but I thought you'd like to see things that cropped up into my head with an as being read "review" anyway. Definitely say it's a 7.5 pushing for 8 out of 10 so far.
'Review notes':
Pipcast, cute.
Also, cute interaction between fran and Arc.
Interesting concept with the fathering thing. I prefer this over PH's take on how you might not know your father. At least with this there's a chance for the pair to stick together if they liked one another.
Don't think you need the aprostrophes around the squee when talking about the first kiss thing.
Tenpony Tower was a post-war term if I remember correctly, related to the fact there's a big picture (or statue) of Twilight with the number '10' next to / behind / below her
I may be wrong, but I vaguely remember something like that.
Nice explanation of how she got her cutie mark. Easy to read flashback that doesn't make me cringe or nout.
The sex was handled just right. Especially with the whole kinkiness to it. Same goes for the whole into mares bit.
Very very nice interaction from fran and Helix. I'm liking how natural it feels. I can believe they've been together for the year prior to the chapter.
"Ooo, that sounds nice." Oooh would be better - personal preference though.
"Well, there ---" - their.
Noticed the Pip reference with the 'sit on my horn and spin' but I ain't gonna say it ruins anything.
Nice tease with the whole family matters. Pulled it off a charm.
>Things get heated between the pair for the second time
>Gotta be somebody by Nickelback begins to play as if timed
Pretty fitting.
You missed a chance to say 'nominal' when saying 'normal' about the suits. (joke, joke reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06NegxrDSlQ)
With this, I suppose Helix is gone. Damn. I was enjoying those two.
edit: oh, also, even pushed myself to read this despite a sinus infection making me think I wasn't up for reading. Glad I did so!
"You had one job.... ONE JOB!"
I don't read Fall out Equestria sidefics often...but this one is one of the best
Nice way to start a fic, I love all that deep, underwater Stable atmosphere you really achieve to deliver. It's a change from the usual setup, and the concept of having a technician as the hero of the story adds a new layer of innovation to the mix. Pretty neat chapter, very enjoyable. I'll definitely keep reading.
Also, Fran, your boss wants to see you in his office.
I can sum this first chapter up in fore words " xpisishon bump done right"
Great work, and am looking foreword to seeing what is to come next.