• Member Since 3rd Jul, 2019
  • offline last seen 29 minutes ago

chonkjbe


pop pop pop pop pop

T

In Equestrian folklore there exists a creature unlike any other.

The folklore speaks of a magical creature with no known name other than what the ponies who listen to the stories call it, The Porcelain Demon.

Its tall posture and body type is quite the irregular from the common pony, instead of standing on hooves it stands on two feet and has five digits on the end of each arm, similar to a monkey. And instead of a face, adorns a pristine white featureless Porcelain mask with two holes for eyes.

One fateful night, the Princess of the Night finally finds that this creature is no being of fantasy, but walks amongst us in the shadows of reality.


This is an attempt at writing. I'm no regular to writing stories so granted there will be mistakes, but I am only human after all.

The cover art is not mine, I did not create it. The original creator is sgtgarand Check them out.

The 'other' tag was chosen for my human character. Didn't sit right only having Luna's tag. Sorry if the tag was misused.

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 6 )

Great start to writing man, this is literally the first thing ive read here in quite a long time, but for a first it was rather good.

The 'other' tag was chosen for my human character. Didn't sit right only having Luna's tag. Sorry if the tag was misused.

Why not use the OC tag?

10628245
If the 'OC' tag is more appropriate then I shall switch it with the 'other' tag

There are definitely a few errors in writing here and there, like how in some places 'Thou' and 'Thee' are being used in the wrong way as thou is pretty much old English for 'your' and 'thee' would be old English for 'you' while 'we' would be old English for 'I' but only if it is used by someone of royalty, the royal We as it were. other than that, there are maybe 2 places in which a word is missing, mostly just one to two letter words mind you. The only other problem I see is at the beginning where Luna has boundless energy one night. You should explain why she has such energy; like maybe she and her sister had watched a play or opera earlier in the day and luna had too much candy or something. Her having a bunch of energy without a proper explanation for why makes it a bit strange. Also, I would suggest adding somewhere the actual nursery rhyme or story that parents tell their kids before bed about the demon. Take this as some lovely writer's criticism to help with things. But overall, I think I'm going to enjoy reading this. Happy writing. Ohh, and stories like this one are always better when you read them while listening to something from Myuu. I had "Look out" and "Somethings Wrong" in the background.

10629055
Thank you for the feedback! I knew I would be making some errors here and there, but I plan on getting better with story writing even if it might take awhile.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!