• Published 12th Jan 2021
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That One Time: Celestia and Luna Married the Mane Six - TheCrimsonDM

Have you ever gotten so drunk you forgot you offered the princesses' hoof in marriage to whoever brought your sister back? And how many 'es' there are in 'Princess'?

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Chapter Two: When Cucumbers Attack

Chapter Two: When Cucumbers Attack

Written by TheCrimsonDM

It was in times of great stress and panic that Celestia usually found herself the champion of the cause to fight off the darkness that had began the entire conflict. When the conflict, panic, and stress were all caused by her it was an entirely different idea. It had been a restless night and now it was far too early in the morning. Pacing back and forth in her room her mind was rapidly thinking of how to get out of this situation. Luna seemed overjoyed by the idea of the marriage, Celestia was bound to her own laws for better or worse if she wanted to avoid causing another Nightmare Moon. After years of being freed one would assume that Luna would have become sensible, but instead she had become increasingly playful, erratic, and dare she say chaotic. Not in a bad way, well not usually, but this time it was too much. She had to do something to rectify this situation and soon. Her and the future of the elements of harmony all relied on it.

It truly was a shame running away was not an option. The last pony who tried to run from Princess Luna found that Luna had one very good tactic to find anypony. She could find their dreams. The events of that day still haunted Celestia’s memory… and that was just last week.

Luckily Luna had some small amount of tact and hadn’t publically announced the weddings as such. Still, knowing Luna the plans were already in place for said announcement and one single drop of word would likely be enough for Luna to enact them and force everything to go her way in a less than pleasing manner.

Celestia’s plan so far. Deal with the marriage, hope that Twilight doesn’t completely break in the process and that Luna doesn’t break anypony else either. Or break her sister’s heart and risk her turning evil. Or… Celestia could just go evil herself. What was that name she had planned for herself if she ever did, Solar Flare?

The floor she was pacing on was smoldering and had black singe marks in the shape of her hooves. She was getting too upset with this and her emotions were running amuck. If this continued she might accidently burn the castle down before they even began the marriage… oh by her own name, she didn’t want to think about the actual marriage.

Wait, it wasn’t too late now was it? Surely she could just talk to her sister, explain how she viewed the marriages. That would work wouldn’t it? Probably not, but she could at least try, now what was the most believable excuse she could come up with?

Celestia’s horn lit up and she teleported herself into Luna’s room. Celestia landed on top of Luna’s bed pinning her little sister down and staring into those eyes as they shot wide open. Luna swallowed looked around and tried uselessly to move. A quiet sigh escaped her lips. “It is this dream again I see… well doth what thou came here for and be quick.”

Celestia blinked. “What?”

“Thou art a dream construct here to use me like a newly wed bride are you not?” Luna asked.

Celestia blinked and pulled away from her sister, just enough to give them some breathing room but still holding her down. “WHAT?”

Luna blinked, and then giggled. “Oh, it is not a dream then. Fine, do this quickly and be done with it, we have other mares to please soon as the marriage is ready.”

Celestia was feeling incredibly uncomfortable now. As Luna began laughing she realized she had been played. A glare from Celestia did nothing to stop Luna from laughing. “The look upon your face sister, it is worth more than a thousand of words.”

“Luna I am here for serious reasons!”

Luna’s laughter slowed down, but didn’t’ entirely stop. “Go on.”

“I… I am worried about this marriage of ours.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “What is to worry about, I have set all the plans in motion, and even have the greatest of wedding planners in charge of this.”

“Pinkie Pie knows!”

“No not the pink one, this is her wedding after all, what kind of surprise would it be if she had planned it. No, I have somepony better suited for the task of romance.”

Celestia narrowed her eyes. “I’m not doing this.”

“But why?” Luna tried to get up only to realize she was still pinned beneath Celestia’s rather weighty rump. “Whatever could be wrong with them? Or is it me, do you not want to share them?”

Celestia could already hear a twinge of pain in her sister’s voice. “I… Luna the last time I had any romantic experience was over five hundred years ago.”

Luna blinked. “So shouldn’t you be happy to receive all the romance you could dream of from six lovely brides?”

Celestia shook her head. Now time for the ‘not as much of a lie’ as she had originally believed. “I’m scared.”

Luna stared up at her. “But… but… why? Surely they wouldn’t reject you.”

“I haven’t been close to anypony like that in so long, what if I am not… not good enough for them. Things have changed in these modern times. I fear I do not know enough to make this work. So please, can we call it off?”

Luna smiled and her horn lit up. A gentle aura stroked over Celestia’s cheek. “Oh my sister, my dear big sister, I have already anticipated your fears. Please do not fret for I promise, you will be more than ready to please any of their desires. Thou are beautiful and lovely.”

Somehow that hit a spot that Celestia wasn’t ready for… she sniffled and shook her head. Not the point, Celestia shoved her new fear into the vault in the back of her mind. It would be okay. Wait, what did Luna just say. “Luna, what do you mean by ready?”

Luna met her eyes. “I have asked for some ponies skilled in such things to help you learn. They have already taught me much. I could… help you learn in private if you’d like. Thou are already in my bed after all.”

Celestia shivered at the implication. No, no, no, no, and more no. Something else, anything else. “TWILIGHT!”

Luna rolled her eyes. “I also recognized this as a potential problem. Fear not, I shall let you take full responsibility for her if you choose to be selfish. I would like a taste but it is understandable that she is special to you and you may feel inclined to keep her that way.”

Oh… that didn’t work. None of this was working. Luna was out scheming her. Out, scheming, her. What could she do in this situation…

Luna’s horn faired and a line of invisible energy was drawn across Celestia’s flank bringing a gasp from Celestia and causing her to roll backwards out of the bed. She stared up at Luna with wide eyes and feeling her heart beat threaten to break out of her chest. “Luna!”

Luna smiled and patted to the empty place next to her. “If thou are to continue disrupting my much needed rest, at least offer me a replacement for sleep.”

Celestia’s horn lit up and in a golden flash she had teleported herself as far away as possible. Or at least back into her own private quarters. She could practically hear the laughter of her sister through the walls. Well… this had failed. Go with plan B, turn evil and destroy everything in sight hoping that all copies of said law were burned along with it?

Or she could just go eat some breakfast, drink a gallon of coffee, and pray that another idea came to her before Luna had a wedding date set. Yeah, she’d do the latter one. Evil Celestia could wait, until after coffee at the very least.

Once Celestia got to the breakfast table, she was surprised to find she was not having breakfast alone. In fact she had a wonderful treat and distraction waiting for her. Two ponies who might just be able to help her find a solution, or failing that maybe a way to banish herself to the sun. It had be better than whatever devious thoughts going through Luna’s head, and apparently dreams were.

Cadance and Shining armor were both here to visit. Surely still working towards making a baby but with the low rates of alicorn pregnancy the chances were… minimal. It also explained why Cadance hadn’t turned her husband into an immortal alicorn yet. She wanted a baby first, if at all possible. Celestia had tried that once, for several hundred years.

“Good morning, Auntie!” Cadance said in a bright cheerful tone.

Shining Armor nodded. “Princess Celestia.”

She let out a sigh. “You are a prince now, dear. You can stop calling me princess.”

“Sorry old habits die hard.”

She smiled and took a drink of her coffee. It was black, dark and bitter just like her mood had been since she discovered Luna’s plans last night. Still the comfort of Cadance being here was more than enough for her to start to relax. A bite of her pancake drenched in caramel was also helpful.

Celestia was at least polite enough to swallow before speaking. “So, what brings you two here to visit me today? You haven’t given up on foaling have you?”

Cadance waved a hoof. “Of course not. Still trying to do that. Actually been considering asking Discord if he might be willing to help since he’s become such good friends with the others recently.”

“You know what he’ll do if he does. You will have a hundred babies and they will all, each and every one of them, look somewhat like Discord… or Twilight Sparkle. Whatever he thinks is funnier.”

Cadance laughed. “Relax, it was a joke.”

Celestia let out a sigh. “Sorry, I have just been exposed to enough absurd situations today to make this day awkward.”

Cadance smiled. “So we aren’t just here on a family visit as you probably guessed. Luna asked us to help you like we did her… and I think we know why.”

Celestia gave them both a weary look. Oh… no.

Cadance was smiling brighter than ever before and Shining Armor was as well. In unison they both announced. “You’re finally going to marry Twilight!”

“Excuse me?” Celestia asked, her tone as dry and flat as the surface of the moon.

Cadance was still smiling bright as ever. “We know you and her have been engaged for some years now. After the whole ‘event that should never be mentioned’ you promised to marry her.”

Celestia stared at them darkly. They were in on the joke. They had to be. This whole thing was a massive prank by Luna, that or a she was dreaming. “Remind me of this event?”

Shining Armor looked around making sure that there was indeed nopony else in the dining hall. There wasn’t. “With the cucumber?”

Celestia growled. “What of a cucumber and how does this relate to any marriages?”

Cadance’s eyes widened ever so slightly. “Don’t you remember? You accidently threw a fireball into the kitchen causing an explosion. Fruit, vegetables and pasta went everywhere. One of the cucumbers came flying out of the kitchen and landed right inside your… um well it ended up stuck inside of you and since you couldn’t see it and were already so stressed you couldn’t remove it yourself. Shining Armor took one look and fainted.”

Shining Armor swallowed. “I did not. I tactically passed out. Anyway, you were about to have a really important meeting with a dignitary from another country and only me and Twilight had seen where the cucumber had gone. With me in a very intelligently planned nap she had to come to the rescue.”

Cadance nodded. “Didn’t she have to end up using her teeth and hooves because her magic was too dangerous to remove it?”

Shining Armor shivered. “I don’t want to think about that…”

Cadance added. “Well after that you promised Twilight anything she wanted she could have, anything at all. She immediately asked for you to marry her and you said and I quote, ‘of course I’ll marry you, just let me know when and I’ll do that, right after I am done making sure nopony remembers this event less they have more than a cucumber shoved in places they do not belong.”

Celestia stared at them. Oh by the dark side of her sister’s moon, she remembered that. She did everything in her power to block out that memory including Twilight’s request… oh… well at least it explains why Luna was willing to not try and steal Twilight from her, but this did mean two things. One, now she was going to have to try and find a way out of this marriage with all six of them, and two she needed to find a way out of marrying what was essentially her daughter.

Celestia then had a much more horrified thought. “You two came, knowing that I would be marrying Twilight Sparkle, so that you could teach me-“

Shining Armor replied. “How to bang my sister, yes. She’s still a virgin and at this point it’s kinda my job to help her get rid of that.”

Cadance laughed. “It’s only weird because Twilight’s a mare, if she were a stallion nopony would be weirded out by that.”

“I believe in equal virginity loss for all sexes.”

Cadance gave him a stare that promised things it really, really shouldn’t in this context. “So do I, hun.”

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