- Member Since 31st Dec, 2020
- offline last seen Dec 20th, 2021
TheOtherWay
An alternate account for clopfics, what more is there to say?
TheOtherWay
Joined 31st Dec, 2020 ·
Offline
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Great work I love it keep it up
10621133
Thanks this is my first try. Criticism would be wonderful.
nice wrok.
Nice story and TwiDash shipping
There’s a few mistakes in this but otherwise it’s a great clopfic
Consider me your first follower
10621139
Thanks
10621138
Thanks
10621136
fulfilled
10621435
Thanks I shall fix that.
The world needs more futa Twicorn
Wow that was hot! Thanks for the chapter
I can't say that I'm a fan; for me it was just too poorly written. Something about Rainbow's thoughts in the beginning didn't sit right with me in terms of how it was written. The choice of vocabulary is kinda bland, Rainbow's intermittent utterances of her desires feel just, I dunno, weird, and the setting went straight to clop territory without being even remotely sexy; mainly because of the aforementioned issues.
That being said, I love FutaDom Twilight so I'll be revisiting this in the future if it gets cleaned up q bit more. Good luck, and have fun doing it!
10621136
Not too bad for a first attempt, but there are some rather glaring issues that need to be dealt with.
The largest issue is how often you tell the reader the action & its meaning. Read back through, especially in the early parts and see how often you describe something happening, and then immediately give an info dump on the larger meaning of it.
Here, as the first obvious example, the reader knows she want's someone to catch her, you don't often masturbate out in the open if you're trying to be circumspect.
This kind of writing abounds, especially early in the story, and it feels unnatural as if the story is holding the readers hand because if everything isn't spelled out then the reader might miss it. This kind of thing is the epitome of telling instead of showing.
The second real issue is simply in how quickly you skip any character building. The reason you seem to force yourself into such a massive exposition dump right at the start is that you're so itching to get to the sex that you don't build Dash or Twilight as characters in your story before throwing them together to have wanton sex, so rather than slowly revealing their desires, you spell each one out in detail as if reading them off a list. At one point you toss multiple chapters of ideas into a paragraph like they'll go away if you don't list them all off and say how hot they make Dash.
Think instead how you could have slowly built into this, detailing some thoughts of Dash in her daily life, as she interacted with others, saw perhaps innocuous things that still sent a shiver down her spine or a quiver in her loins. Allow the reader to deduce what is causing these reactions rather than just shouting at the reader "DASH ENJOYS THE LOSS OF CONTROL, SHE WANTS TO BE USED LIKE A PET OR TOY!"
Lastly you have some issues with grammar and sentence structure. Try passing your work through a grammar checker, or even better yet find someone that can identify these areas and employ their services as a pre-reader or editor.
You have the makings of a good story here, but you need to slow down in the telling, fix some of these issues, and you could really have something here.
10622254
Thanks I appreciate the criticism and I hope to put it to good use.
Awesome.
10622732
Thanks
Thanks for the chapter!
10629162
Your welcome!
nice work
Awesome work can’t wait to see more!
10634576
Thanks mate
Amazing.
Not too many fics of this nature show the dom as reasonable as this, and it makes it all the more enjoyable because of it.
nice work.
nice work
TwiDash stories are closest to my heart. This story deservers more views.
Thanks for the chapter!
good chapter can't wait to see what happens next
10657226
Thanks can’t wait to write more.
10657232
how long do you think this will be? if you know that is and no problem just saying whats true
10657234
Not sure how long but most likely within a week to two weeks.
10657239
ok just wondering
you're mine*
10657335
Thanks fixed
nice work
Thanks for the chapter! It was delicious!
Good chapter looking forward to the next one
nice work
Rainbow Dash is absolutely adorable. I want to pet her so badly. She deserves a cookie for being so good.
Thanks for the chapter!
i hope this is not cansled
Awesome.
10910696
Same
ya know what would be torture?
if rainbow was in permanent estrus, naturally significantly heightened and wasn't allowed to satisfy it
11226322
I would actually love to see something like that now
11231106
another idea is that twilight creates a portal around her cock and another one inside rainbow, and take a walk around town
11433908
I love this idea too, there needs to be a story with a combination of both these ideas
Is this story dead?
Seems dead :(