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On the Sliding Scale Of Idealism Vs. Cynicism, I like to think of myself as being idyllically cynical. (Patreon page.)


The palace is ancient. So it makes sense for Celestia and Luna to order a complete overhaul of the waterworks, especially since the old system has been making strange sounds within the walls. All they really wanted was to wash up without dealing with new leaks.

They didn't get it.

They weren't expecting the magical lasers either, but that's plumbing for you.

(Now with author Patreon and Ko-Fi pages.)

Rated C for Crackfic.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 60 )

you should probably know it's Crackfic Week

For newcomers, Crackfic Week lasts all year because time doesn't exist anymore.

I wish you a better 2021 than 2020 was. Thank you for the last update of the year.

And as far as their senses were concerned, all he did was look at it. They concentrated, they focused, they tried to listen with their very souls -- but they possessed the capabilities of unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies. It left a category out, and so nothing reached them. To their souls, nothing had taken place.

Ah, so crystals are something else entirely. Fascinating.

That last story was heavy stuff. Really heavy. It’s nice to have a silly romp sometimes too!

... and they never talked about what had happened to so much of the original library because after they'd seen the last of the pages consumed, the glowing fanged book had somehow acquired the ability to teleport and they didn't know where it had wound up.

(Triptych spoiler ahead) Turns out that was Twilight's real preincarnation.

plus there was a huge group bath in the barracks and somepony might need it again one day...

It's not that the sisters are necessarily aware of nearby universes. It's just that some of their larger concerns can radiate from one continuity to another.

Easier to start on something, since I'm this far from home.

Now that is a very interesting detail. Is it proximity to the Heart, to other crystal ponies, to some geomantic focus point around which the Empire was built, a combination of those factors, or something else entirely?

it was hot and steaming because Luna refused to ever have a cold bath

Unexpected but understandable. I imagine he get her fill of cold simply by existing.

"-- what was that, Luna 'I refuse to be seen in public if my constellations aren't perfect ' Invictus?"

I wonder if she ever heard about Twilight's self-designed Gala dress...

Speaking as someone who's fished out more than a few clogs of my own though non-lasing ones this was an especially enjoyable bit of silliness with the sisters. I do hope Celestia mentions this particular wrinkle of her existence to Cadence and Twilight before they have to find out firsthoof. Though I suppose in the case of the former, Fluorite may take it upon himself to inform her. In the case of the latter...

You know, I've always wanted to see Celestia send a friendship letter the other way.

There are few better symbols of 2020 than a seeming eternity spent wading through muck. Let's hope this marks a transition to a new, brighter, less noisy year.

This is everything I've ever wanted from the sisters.

This was a fic that had cracks. In the pipes, mostly. Then a few other places.


The oldest of art destroyed."

And yet, even that would leave certain pieces that they would secretly most want to get rid of alone.

We've had laser puppies, now laser plumbing.

What's next? Laser pastries? What happens when Pinkie Pie meets with a baker from the Crystal Empire and things go weird?

Crackfic (/krakfik/), noun: A piece of fiction concerning cracks.

as always, thank you for the story

Celestia, Luna, and Twilight all were part of a group of six. I don’t think you specifically gave a number for Cadence. And the experiment on Tish used twelve...

My mind turns to eight.
Two pegasus .
Two unicorns.
Two earth ponies.
And two crystals.

There is something about the Diarchy acting like Mario and Luigi that is especially heartwarming...

Happy New Year!

You write the most delightful sisters.

Why stop there? Get one of each known sapient together.

Heh. Delightful. Thank you.

Or rather, rendered the corpses into ever-smaller pieces, because the palace plumbing was always failing -- and neither sibling had ever worked the why.

"worked *out* the why", perhaps?

Especially when as everyony who neither lives nor works here knows, the current one is still perfectly serviceable.


Random thoughts:

Silverbell, Canterlot's crack Magic Auror, is going to have to run a post investigation to see if Twilight might have inadvertently charged up the potential energy in Golden Oak before Tirek 'set it off'...

Then, to Two Sisters to see if potentialities are still charged there...

In the meantime, Fluorite will be crawling the pipe raceways in Twilight's Castle, seeing if there has been accommodation in the crystal design to safely discharge potentialities without damage...

Twilight will be FORBIDDEN to do anything more than wash her hooves at the School, lest the EEA find out the Headmistress is potentially creating a bomb in her private bathroom...


Oh, lawd...no wonder Twilight had to move to Canterlot...

Requiescat in pace, Silver Shoals...

Georg #17 · 2 weeks ago · · ·

Magic hair. Magic pipes. What could possibly go wrong? This and many other answers in Never The Final Word Vol. 2

"Scrubbie dubbie in the tubbie," sang Shining Armor as he added a gloop of No-Tears, No-Stress, Crystalberry Essence Shampoo to Flurry Heart's mane. "Is Daddy's little girl feeling happy in the tub? Yes, you're a good little girl..."

A faint rumbling made tiny ripples across the bathtub, which Shining Armor ignored in favor of more infant hair care, not even noticing the faint glow to the hair that swept down the tub drain when they were done. It took until Flurry had been fluffed with towels, read three stories, and put to bed before the noise floated up in his thoughts again.

"Hey, Cady. The castle plumbing has been acting up again. Want me to take a wrench and look into it?"

Cadence looked back at her handsome hubby and shook her head. "No. I remember the last time you tried home repair on the castle. And the time before that." She shrugged. "I'll have Twilight look into it next time she's up here. Alicorn magic needs some practical practice, after all. Besides, it's probably nothing."

Emil #18 · 2 weeks ago · · ·

You've got the impressive feat of having stories #1, #2, and #5 in the feature box now.

Funny, explosive and disgusting at the same time. Who never had plumbing problems? Apparently Alicorn are anti-plumbing. One of the greatest innovation of society. For Celestia and Luna, there is some irony right there.

Some of the opposite energy could have hit Celestia and Luna for some comedy slapstick.

Somebody need to warn Twilight and Cadence.

By comparison, the Celestia school for Gifted Unicorn has the newest system of the entire establishment of Equestria. With the explosion, dimensional displacement and all the experiment dumped down the sink.

Paradoxically, it's also one of the riskiest tap water to drink. You have better odd at the casino to not get down with something because of the same reasons.

, and they never talked about what had happened to so much of the original library because after they'd seen the last of the pages consumed, the glowing fanged book had somehow acquired the ability to teleport and they didn't know where it had wound up.

That's one of Twilight Nightmare. I really want that story and see Twilight facing that monster. Or better, the entire librarians association with Twilight at the helm facing it.

This raises questions about Alicorn Toilet Trenches that I sincerely hope are never, ever answered.

I'm honestly surprised it didn't end up angry, semi-sapient, and rampagey.
What about coat hair? Is this why manes are apparently so hard to enchant?
I'm also picturing careful attempts to make alicorn yarn or something.

I imagine there would be similar issues with princess poo. It would contain live cells shed from the intestinal walls.
Now you're imagining it too.
You're welcome.

Anytime I hear about or see problems that are related to plumbing, I always think of this audio log from Bioshock.

Dan #24 · 2 weeks ago · · 10 ·

Nice story. Could use proofreading and editing.

There's multiple SCPs like that, IIRC.

Plump pony princess posteriors produce profoundly prodigious poops persistently.

So this is the house that Theseus built.

And built…

And built…

And built…

And built…

And built…

CCC #27 · 2 weeks ago · · ·


Three weeks later

"...are you seeing it?" asks Celestia.

"Dost thou refer to yonder column of light, rising above the vicinity of the Crystal Empire?" enquires Luna.

"Yes... are you pranking me with a dream, or do you think Cadance really needs help?"

"'Tis not a dream," says Luna. "That much, at least, I can be certain of. What it is, I cannot say with certainty..."


"...it's probably visible from Equestria," says Shining Armour, looking up at the column of light rising from the newly-evacuated Crystal Palace.

"No doubt, honey," says Cadance. "But do you have any idea what it is?"

"It's not any sort of deathtrap left by Sombra," muses Shining, "because if he was capable of this much, it would have triggered with less warning and we wouldn't have been able to evacuate in time. My current theory is that something in one of his labs escaped confinement... whatever it is, it's a very bright, very strong source of energy that's getting reflected and magnified through the crystalline structure of the Palace. If only we could figure out where it was coming from, we could probably handle it..."

"Hm. Pity about the timing, really. ...I'm going to go and find somewhere to give Flurry the rest of her bath, okay, dear?"

After reading the resolution... well... Princess Luna always said to face your fears!!

The fear of plumbing and what is within. Aye.


Like a certain tapestry...


Twi and Cady are probably fine. They haven't quite reached the level of personal magic where they're bleeding it from their manes.


Hmmm, interesting. Looking over FIM, there's Mistmane, who's mane (not sure about her tail) does the 'wave' but at her power level, her roots discharge about separation (or are too 'underpowered' to affect plumbing). Twilight, Flurry and Candance aren't at the 'wave' stage yet (Twi will in 20 years) and don't forget that Twi's mane did 'wave' after accepting the others power but as she was MAGIC's main, MAGIC was handling that load (and in 20, someone else is MAGIC's prime).

Depending on how one counts Luna's timeout, her 'wave' shouldn't be as strong as Celly's ... :trollestia:

and they never talked about what had happened to so much of the original library because after they'd seen the last of the pages consumed, the glowing fanged book had somehow acquired the ability to teleport and they didn't know where it had wound up.

:facehoof: :rainbowlaugh:

I sure hope the Sisters have god-tier immune systems. Do you have any idea how much nasty stuff grows in those pipes? This is just begging for a follow-up sickfic.

Oh ho ho, this was a good one!

This is why you have a ministry controlling all bodily wastes of the princesses. They're far, far too thaumically active to allow uncontrolled in the general environment.

That....is an amazing idea for a story.

Like the princess don't know about it until something goes wrong.

It is a fact of nature that full-form alicorn hair is never shed, for it becomes astral if form until such time as the alicorn DIES in some melodramatic fashion, wherein the astral form slowly changes back to regular horse hair in a dramatic death scene with really melancholy music while supporting heroes bawl their eyes out.


Looks like Celestia and Luna are going to need there own dedicated complex for bathing far away from the rest of the Castles occupants.

Twilights castle should do.

On the Mérens scale of material hardness

That's why one of the best (and still pretty) stones for flooring is granite. Which was forgotten by city management here and they replace it with cement tiling with hardness even less than marble...

"because you can't draw extras from the city"
"because you can't draw extra from the city"?

"a nearby pipe. it was her palace"
"a nearby pipe. It was her palace"?

"hairs as the lost stands wriggled within"
"hairs as the lost strands wriggled within"?

"a number bought Fluorite around to the"
"a number brought Fluorite around to the"?

"because there was always things to discuss"
"because there were always things to discuss"?

Heh, quite amusing. :)
(...Mind you, I did have to lean on that C rating a bit when the drain pipes were redirected into the supply pipes so easily and with no mention of some of the other, ah, results. Among a few details of the story. But hey, that worked, and left me free to enjoy the humor and such. :D
(And, as often seems to be the case in your work, there were still some nice bits of worldbuilding and character development in here. :)))
Thank you for writing!


Some granites are mildly radioactive, though. You could end up with significant radon issues. Also, wooden flooring is warmer and probably firmer footing, fewer accidents. You just have to replace it once a century or so...

I somehow didn’t comment on this one yet... a delightfully silly exploration of a downside of having a mane full of magic. I enjoyed the entire concept of pipes from the Crystal Empire as well... it’s exactly the kind of bizarre world-building touch for which I love Pony fiction.

What’s the cover image? It so perfectly seems like a Crystal Empire pipe...


What’s the cover image?

This. As with the cover on Advance Directive, sometimes I just get search-lucky.

I own a Swarovski piece: contest win. The bad news is that it's a Swarovski soda bottle...


What... is it? I can't tell from that link. I had kind of assumed it was some sort of exotic crystal chandelier piece, but that site sounds sort of like jewelry... but not quite. And Swarovski does make chandeliers. Among many other things.

Name of this story is long, and FimFiction cuts it in a preview to "Princesses Produce Persistent Plu...", and my first thought was "Plumage, Plum or Plutonium?"
I think that would be a good stories too =)

Not when that floor sees 150-180k people every day. Those tiles were checked fir radioactivity also USSR din't really had such sources where that could be issue.

But those cement tiles have traces of asbestos (so can be radiactive, radon-impregnated asbestos is pretty common in region) and wear out, creating very thin powder dust...

Emil #47 · 2 weeks ago · · ·

Well, Estee has already mentioned "laser vagina" before...

Or install extremely fine-mesh hair traps in the drains of their personal facilities.
They'd have to be cleaned after every use, but it's more practical than a whole other building.

They're like beads, you can string them to make jewelry. They're only 3cm long but they're Swarovski so they're expensive.

Funnier as a forgotten ministry, or a cult/fanclub?

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