Chapter 42: Bring Your Youngling to Work Night
Mr. Silver stared at the doors that had just clicked shut in the wake of two departures. "Were you really telling the truth when you said your work isn't normally like this?" he asked.
"It depends how you mean the question," said Mr. Tome. "I advise the Princess of Night about matters she often does not find pleasant, in ways she would not see herself. In that sense, my work is 'like this' often enough. If you are asking what my average day looks like," he cast a wordless tempus, "you will have about an hour to witness it. Unless something else is scheduled?"
That last question was directed at his employer, who shook her head from her place on her throne, eyes closing and hair glowing in a dream walking trance.
"I recommend taking out a book," he whispered, doing so himself.
Near the end of the hour, teacher and student shared their thoughts about it.
Mr. Silver asked how Mr. Tome could stand the boredom.
Mr. Tome told Mr. Silver that many ponies would jump at the opportunity to get paid to do nothing.
Mr. Silver pointed out the obvious – doing nothing is like a torture chamber for intelligent minds.
Mr. Tome shrugged, relaying how the ability to read and the perks of the job make it tolerable. There was no easier way to gain and maintain legal access to the royal library.
Mr. Silver asked if he STILL needed to do the job to keep that perk, since he'd been recently ennobled.
Mr. Tome agreed that he probably didn't, but he still saw the value in it. Getting paid to do nothing is like getting paid to think quietly to yourself about important issues. He'd spent nine years looking at the stars, learning the value of that pastime.
Five minutes before they would set off for 'dinner', Mr. Tome informed Mr. Silver of a minor plot he intended to run. This was also done through Legilimency...
Many noble eyes were wide and drawn when their owners walked into breakfast that morning.
The Court Scholar's signature cloak was resting on the back of the Court Scholar's designated chair. The Court Scholar's glasses were resting on the table next to the Court Scholar's designated plate. And there was a bat pony sitting in the Court Scholar's designated seat.
Mr. Tome had removed them after he, his employer, and his student had arrived for dinner, but before anypony else had entered for breakfast. (A horn-hiding spell had already been in place. He never makes the same mistake twice, once he acknowledged that it is a mistake.)
Among the wide eyes were Princess Celestia's, though she hid her surprise better than most.
When the table's full company had arrived, Mr. Tome took out two packets of brown powder and mixed them into his water as if it were any other day, pretending to be ignorant of the stares and whispers. He used his levitating fork to stab at some unimportant food on his plate, making three small but distinct tink sounds.
Mr. Silver, sitting next to him, spoke at the signal. "You know, I've seen you drink that powder sometimes. But you never told me what it is. Or why you drink it."
"It is made from the crushed carcasses of many insects," he said in a voice that all should recognise as belonging to the Court Scholar, in case anypony doubted he was truly himself. "I drink it to sate my nutritional needs as a thestral, which an insensitive fool might call a carnivorous bloodthirst."
His employer actually laughed at that. Nopony else did, although it might be considered progress that they didn't leave this time.
Apparently Princess Luna had been the only one at the table who was retentive enough to recognise the remark and smart enough to notice he'd just called himself a fool. He wouldn't ordinarily do such a thing, but it was his official job title. Or maybe she laughed because she was beginning to notice that he'd left plenty of evidence about his nature in plain sight, including in-jokes like that one had been.
Now it was less of a joke and more of a way to quash future complaints about his diet. It is, after all, a biological necessity.
"Oh," said Mr. Silver. And then, continuing his assigned script, the seemingly young and innocent colt, who had been brought into work as the thestral's youngling, asked, "Why not just eat them raw like you usually do? Aren't they tastier that way?"
"They are," nodded the thestral. He pretended to look thoughtful. "Maybe I should catch a few live crickets for tonight's breakfast-"
"Please don't," said Celestia.
"Princess Celestia!" Mr. Tome gasped in a flagrant, obviously false, and overly-offended voice. "You ask me to hide my nutritional needs? That is a part of who I am. To think, discrimination against other races would not only be tolerated, but openly perpetrated by her majesty herself. Well! That is..." his voice switched back to normal "...exactly what I would expect, given the state of Canterlot University. And this city in general." He put on his glasses and threw his cloak over his back with a flourish. "Clearly I am better off as I have been all along. Introverted, isolated, and hidden. One wonders how I might have gotten that way in the first place, and if I am truly to blame for my own personality."
Celestia took many, many deep breaths.
"The smarter you are," she said solemnly, "the more responsible you are for everything you do. Including but not limited to, deliberately disgusting other ponies, deliberately hurting the feelings of others, and deliberately causing needless chaos and alarm."
"So you are implying that most ponies at this table are either immoral like me, or stupid and irresponsible like Blueblood," he concluded.
"That is not what I am implying at all."
"But you do believe your company would show disgust at what thestrals eat on a daily basis?" he pressed. "Please answer honestly. Your sister will tell me if you don't."
"Even if I did believe that," said Celestia, "I do not see how you go from there to an implication of stupidity – on my behalf – of our esteemed company."
"They would harm the feelings of my employer's guard if they showed disgust at our natural needs. If your company is not responsible for the offense they would cause, then your statement means they are not smart enough to be responsible. Therefore, they are stupid."
"The guard are stoic. Their feelings would not be hurt."
"I am glad you are capable of violating their mental privacy well enough to know that for certain. I am also glad you admit the feelings of nobles matter more to you than the feelings of their lesser guards."
"Since when have you cared about feelings?" Celestia asked. She did not raise her voice, but the fact that she had even asked the question proved he was getting to her.
"Since you used 'hurt feelings' as a point against me. But very well," he sighed, "I shall ignore them entirely, as you insist. On a purely psychopathic analysis, your esteemed company cannot handle the sight of my diet. They could not even stand a joke about carnivores. They left the table, some to vomit in private. Imagine if they did that in a diplomacy dinner with Griffonia, where actual meat is ingested."
"I miss meat," Mr. Silver sighed. At the horrified expressions of the table, and the choking noises, and the wretching noises, Mr. Silver grinned. "Case in point."
Mr. Tome was chuckling. "According to your logic," he said to Celestia, "if their terribly chaotic and alarming reactions are not deliberate and evil like mine would be, then they are stupid and irresponsible. In a word, incompetent." He huffed haughtily. "I, for one, agree with your assessment of your company. I witnessed their intelligence first-hand as a petitioner. I am glad we can acknowledge there is much to be desired, and that we are on the same page."
At this, Celestia said only, "No."
"No?" he asked, sounding confused. "Why not? Taking your sensible statement to its logical conclusion leads to that answer. Correlating intelligence and responsibility cannot turn on for me and off for them unless you believe they are unintelligent. The only other possibility is hypocrisy."
Celestia didn't respond. That happened nowadays. When she realised that her words only added fuel to the fire, she stopped speaking. It had happened often enough in the past for her to see the pattern and stop contributing.
Unfortunately, she has not yet seen the part of the pattern that follows, what happens after she stops responding.
"Surely you understand that the more you excuse them, the more you enable them. A little criticism from an authority they actually trust could go a long way. You are the smartest and wisest pony in all the land, so you must know that you are responsible for their current states. It makes me wonder why a princess would deliberately infantilise her underlings."
Celestia excused herself from the table, saying she was finished eating, though there was still food on her plate, and saying she had unfinished business she had to accomplish, though Day Court would begin the same time as always.
And now that there was no opposition...
"Note that if it were possible to logically refute my claims, your majesty would have done so. Now the question remains: Do you wish to become strong, or REMAIN fragile foals, as Celestia believes you should be?"
Most of the remaining nobles excused themselves, claiming they had to follow her majesty to Day Court. Much more food had been left uneaten than usual.
"She could have just been tired," his employer commented after the departure, speaking in the Royal Canterlot Voice now that her sister had left. She thought it proper to use at meals, especially when Celestia wasn't around to politely ask her not to use it. "She did stay awake much later than usual."
Mr. Tome scoffed. "I stay awake most of the day and night. You do not see me use it as an excuse."
"You are used to it, and she is not. We are talking about deviations from an average. Her average has been disturbed by circumstance, while yours has not."
"Ignoring excuses and circumstance, do you believe she wants to strengthen the character of her court? Or even sees their current squeamishness as a problem?"
His employer did not respond.
Mr. Tome nodded in satisfaction, then thought about his future actions as he sipped his shake.
A normal pony in his position might conclude from the conversation that live crickets would have to wait. But he was the Royal Fool. It was his privilege and prerogative to surprise the royalty. It wasn't his employer who had requested he not bring them. Just Celestia. And even if she did hold authority over him, it had been a request, not a command.
"How are you getting away with all this?" Mr. Silver asked.
"Are you expecting an explanation beyond Equestria's policies on free speech?" he said, his thoughts returning to the present.
Mr. Silver nodded firmly. "Yes. Freedom of speech isn't the same as freedom from consequences. How can you say all that and still keep your job?"
"Because it is his job to say it," answered his employer. "The Royal Fool may speak his mind as he pleases. All the better if the high are offended."
"Wow. I see why you like working here."
Mr. Tome allowed the corner of his lips to twitch upward.
"We wonder if our sister will hire one of her own in retaliation," she speculated. "She must be tempted by now, if for no other reason than to provide a competent counter voice."
"You think she could find a voice to counter mine?"
"Fair point."
Mr. Silver nodded in agreement. "Most would quit within a week."
One of the guards cleared her throat. A day guard, not a night. And a pegasus, beneath her fake thestral disguise.
"Yes?"
The mare, given leave to speak, asked, "What about Silver Wing?"
Mr. Tome recognized the voice – that of Soaring Steady, one of Mr. Silver's better students, and one of the few adults who recognized the meaning of her teacher's talents.
"What about him?" asked Mr. Tome.
"He might be able to do it," Ms. Steady clarified.
"He is a colt," said his employer. "This era has laws against underage employment, does it not?"
"I'm not saying Coach Silver should get hired," said Ms. Steady. "Just that he could do it. I think. He could learn, at least. And if he can, that means there are probably other ponies out there who could do it too."
"Coach Silver?" asked Princess Luna.
"Even if I could," said Mr. Silver, "I'm more partial to my mentor than I am to Princess Celestia, and that might hold true for other ponies too. If you want to counter us, you have to think like us. And if you think like us, you're not thinking like Princess Celestia. And that means you'll probably take our side, not hers."
"It could prove useful as an intellectual exercise," Mr. Tome informed his student. "A skilled debater can argue any position, regardless of their own personal feelings. Those who thinks like us – who are experienced like me – understand that as well. But I agree that you are currently too young, and inexperienced in politics, and I might not be able to resist the temptation to crush you. That would not be healthy for our continued acquaintance."
Later that day, Ms. Memory's and Mr. Tome's Vows were sworn. Gilded Horn bound both Vows, and he still had magic leftover. Celestia informed him he would be called back if any future Vows had to be made.
Shining Armor had been Ms. Memory's receiver, but Mr. Tome needed another.
Shining Armor didn't have any trust for the thestral. Not after witnessing the original incident with Blueblood, and being the butt of that joke he'd made in the university classroom, and guarding/overhearing a few dinner conversations.
Also, the stallion had a scheduled leave of absence that was already overdue. He left immediately after receiving Ms. Memory's Vow, claiming he was late for his honeymoon thanks to Mr. Tome's rituals 'that should be illegal anyway'.
Mr. Tome pointed out that he would have been late anyway thanks to his sister's request. If he wanted to blame anypony, blame her.
Shining Armor had huffed and left.
Mr. Tome had already planned to fetch a different pony to receive his Vow, so it wasn't much of an inconvenience. It would only take the extra time of a guard visiting Canterlot University and escorting a citizen back.
Mr. Tome waited until the Artist's Association normally gathered to issue the order...
"Your majesty," Keen Eye bowed, taking in the majesty of Night Court. He'd never been to the palace before. The artistry was astounding.
"Rise, subject," said Princess Luna, yawning. "Our fool has a request of thee."
"Fool?" he asked.
He looked around, seeing nopony in the room except the Court Scholar, whose picture he'd seen in the newspapers, and whom he remembered thanks to the interesting events flaming the pony's notoriety. Especially among the intelligentsia of Canterlot.
The Court Scholar stepped forward, lowered his forehead, and said, "Eunoe."
[A/N: The memory-restoring spell, as seen in chapter 120 of HPMoR. Probably pronounced "You know." I see what you did there, Yudkowsky.]
Keen Eye swayed slightly.
And then he remembered the jobs he had performed for the pony in front of him, who was taking off his cloak and eyeglasses, revealing bat wings, bat eyes, bat fangs, and a horn.
He remembered enchanting the eyeglasses to hide thestral slits. He remembered adding the horn concealment illusion. He remembered being paid extra because of the memory wipes. He remembered being told that he would be allowed to remember the jobs if Mystery Book's- if Riddle Tome's species ever became known to the wider public.
Earlier, Keen Eye had been confused about why he was being called to the royal palace. The guard told him he had been requested by name, but he wasn't anypony important. He had never even met the princesses.
Now that he'd remembered his old jobs, he was no longer confused about that part.
"Whoa," he said. "Cool. Hi Mystery. I mean Riddle. You called me here?"
The thestral nodded.
"The Vow allows external magical to influence a pony's trust?" Princess Luna asked.
"No," Riddle Tome answered. "That was a spell to remove external influence."
"All external influence?" Princess Luna asked, seeming to lose her drowsiness in favor of eagerness-
"No. Just a certain kind. It is not thief's downfall, nor would thief's downfall bring about that spell's effect."
"Theif's downfall?" she asked.
Riddle Tome did not respond to the prompt.
Keen Eye looked at Princess Luna. He looked at Riddle Tome. The unicorn saw the alicorn thestral standing out in the open, without glasses or cloak. "Does that mean I'm keeping the memories for good now?" he asked.
"Yes," said the pony who would be paying him a few thousand bits for this non-standard, non-artistic bit of help.
"What dost thou mean, 'keeping the memories'?"
"I am afraid he has already agreed not to say more," said Riddle Tome before Keen could answer. He frowned at the illusionist. "You should not have even said that much."
"Sorry," said Keen, finally remembering that part as well. "What am I going to be doing again? They said it wouldn't be a commission."
"You will be receiving what is known as an Unbreakable Vow..."
And strangely enough, after receiving it Keen Eye still found himself capable of trusting Mr. Tome. At least when it came to matters unrelated to massive, world-threatening risks, which is basically everything.
Mr. Tome had been intrigued by this.
Maybe there is an aspect of personality at play after all. Maybe naturally naive individuals can sacrifice their trust for another and yet still have more to spare. Or maybe it had to do with the fact that Mr. Tome had kept his word with Keen Eye up until that point. He'd been generous in their dealings, he hadn't adjusted or violated any of their past agreements, and he hadn't given Mr. Keen any reasons to doubt him. Maybe that was all it took.
Later that evening, rumor had already reached the farthest corners of Canterlot:
The Court Scholar, Princess Luna's advisor, who had been at the center of the non-unicorn-attending-university incident, as well as the Blueblood incident, has been a bat pony all along.
"And not a single unicorn in Canterlot had been intelligent enough to notice," would be quoted in the next issue of the Manehattan times. "The Element of Laughter in Ponyville, an earth pony, knew instantly. The Element of Magic, Twilight Sparkle, knew too, but she did not discover it for herself. My two students knew as well, of course, but nopony else suspected me. Especially not any of my Canterlot peers."
"But didn't you hide your species?" Quick Quill had written as part of her interview. "How can you blame them for missing it?"
"Because obscurity was the point. It takes no intelligence to see my wings and conclude my species. The dimmest pony in Equestria could do that. My apparel was a test and they failed it, despite many hints. Your articles never stated my species, only that I was not a unicorn. My behaviour is not standard pony behaviour, and thestrals are known to have intense personalities. Still nopony suspected me. Princess Luna herself was the first to finally figure it, and she was given more hints than anypony else. She knew I could walk on clouds without assistance, for instance. She took five months to solve it, and I had been her Court Scholar for much of that time. No other horned ponies came close. Not even Princess Celestia. A few Cloudsdale pegasi suspected that I had lost my wings after witnessing my cloud-walking prowess first-hand, which is better than nothing, I suppose. I would say I'm disappointed in Canterlot's comparative performance, but my lack of horn went unnoticed for weeks while I walked the halls of Canterlot University as a student. I've become cynical about the problem-solving abilities of the city's 'intellectuals'. Many ponies believe that unicorns are significantly smarter than the other two standard races, but recent experience has informed me otherwise."
"At least now I know why you always insisted I refer to you as a 'non-unicorn'," wrote Quick Quill. "But I'm not sure I agree with that last comment."
"I am simply relating my observations."
"It sounds more like an opinion."
"Perhaps. If it is, it can't be called baseless. Note that I did not call unicorns stupid. I said they are not as smart as they believe. You might think I'm wrong, but do you think I'm misinformed?"
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Huh. Cadence hasn't even been mentioned yet has she? Will Riddle Tome burst into flames at her mere presence?
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Not literally, I imagine. He might react poorly to the crystal heart and elements of Harmony though. Depends on how and if they define evil/Harmony and whether or not they are brainwashing tools.
Why did the Crystal heart kill Sombra, why did it alter Luna's mind, and petrify Discord? As opposed to other possibilities.
There are many masks to remove before Riddle Tome is finally shown to be Old Man Henderson?
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Behave? No, the terms of the Vow ONLY prevent world-threatening behaviors, and even HPMoR Voldemort didn't go anywhere near those. Snape said "All the powers in the world would have turned against him if he was reckless with any truly dangerous potencies" after the Azkaban breakout, and multiple conversations prove that he desperately does NOT want the world to end. You know, since he lives there and all, not because he cares for it. So, yeah. He already had good habits of caution thanks to wizarding culture. That he's binding himself is mostly a formality, but he sees it as worth taking.
The Vow Riddle Tome took only had to do with that. It didn't have to do with morality, or criminality, or anything else. JUST not destroying the world, which he wasn't going to do anyway.
I wonder if the vow means harry can't leave the mirror now
smart enough to notice
And yes, something like this is exactly why I'd be OK with a job as Royal Fool too. The whole "Here's what I said before, and now you get the explanation" bit.
Shining Armor honeymoon? Did we skip completely both Discord Return and the invasion of the Changeling?
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That would be a pre-marriage honeymoon. He's marrying the Princess of Love, so... yeah. No, we haven't skipped those.
Harry and Riddle in all their selves are some of the most unpleasantly smug and concieted characters I've seen in awhile.
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Did you read HPMoR before reading this story?
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Tl;dr - Translated out of carefully temporizing language, HPMoR is my favorite story in all fiction, Harry and PQ were my favorite characters, so I took offense at this comment. Where you saw unpleasant smugness and conceit, I saw refreshingly believable/justified self-confidence and competence.
Perhaps this Voldemort version is one of the very best villains I ever read about. Magnificent!