• Member Since 30th Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

origami


Just falling through this tempest called life

T

Inspired by stories written by the Owtcast and Carapace.

Thorax wasn't a normal changeling. He wanted friends to share love with, not victims to feed off of. He leaves the hive behind and finds himself in the Frozen North at the Crystal Empire. Follow him on his journey to his ultimate goal of being the first changeling to make friends with ponies.

The story takes place during and after the episode Times They Are A Changeling, but it doesn't transpire the same way.

I have several chapters completed, but will only release each one after I've edited them and feel they are ready to be released. I'm also rating this teen for the time being, but I may change it to mature because of some ideas I have for later chapters.

Edit on 2/23/2021 @ 3:53PM - I updated the chapter titles to reflect the breaking up of the story into parts. See my blog for more info.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 18 )

Great job! I love the way you're going with this!

Though I do have one small edit to make; you should always start a new paragraph when a new character starts speaking (it causes less confusion over who's talking). For example, this:

The dragon raised its brow in skepticism. ,"I thought changelings were evil and only wanted love to steal?" It asked in confusion. The changeling shook its head again, clarifying its previous statement. ,"I'm not evil at all. The only thing I ever wanted was a friend."

Could be rewritten to this:

The dragon raised its brow in skepticism. "I thought changelings were evil and only wanted love to steal?" it asked in confusion.

The changeling shook its head again, clarifying it's previous statement. "I'm not evil at all. The only thing I ever wanted was a friend."

Of course, you don't have to take this advice if you don't want to, merely a suggestion. I think you did a great job with the first chapter, I can't wait to see what else you do with this idea

Aww, I wasn't expecting to inspire a story! :pinkiesad2:

Interesting start. Will be tracking

10620854
Yeah, that's a bad habit I've had for a long time. It's that whole "Paragraphs should be four sentences" crap pounded into my head since first grade I haven't unlearned yet. I may go back and reformat this.

10620875
Yeah, I get it, I used to do the same thing in my earlier works, until I took a Creative Writing class. Still, you did a great job with the first chapter

Great job with the second chapter! I like Heartfelt's inclusion, I wonder if he'll change his mind about not taking any of the blame though

The stallion had a theory that he might be able to spot changelings using his special talent. The theory was that changelings sucked emotions in instead of giving them off like other creatures

Well, sounds like he's already disproved this theory, he just hasn't realized it yet.

"I wouldn't want a pony losing their job because of me."

Typical Thorax, always thinking of others before himself. :twilightsmile:

"...it appears in my vision sort of like if you watched the sun and saw the corona coming off of it."

But don't actually do that, because staring at the sun is bad for your eyes. :trollestia:

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,"His emotional energy isn't what I expected", Heartfelt replied,"There is energy flowing into him like my theory stated, but there's also energy coming out, and both streams share similar emotional signatures. It's swirling around him like whirlpools in a river."

His theory was somewhat correct. Ponies can feel emotional energy around them but usually don't pay attention to it(like you stop feeling your glasses sitting on your face), but they don't draw it in. Thorax does draw it in, but he also emits some as well, hence the whirlpool effect Heartfelt sees.

Ooh, great job on this chapter! Go ahead and take all the time you need for the next one, I understand

Nice chapter but please start a new paragraph when a new/different character speaks. It's hard to keep track of who says what if you squeeze the dialogue of several characters into the same paragraph.
Unrelated to that, may I ask why you put a comma in front of every opening quotation mark? You're the first person I've seen do it.

10633279
Most of that stuff is bad habits from grade school writing class. I struggle with unlearning all that stuff.

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