• Member Since 10th Jul, 2011
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

Shrinky Frod

Exploring the depths of the equine psyche! Now with ko-fi link and SubscribeStar!

Comments ( 18 )

I came to see if the 10 dislikes were deserved, or voting off the content warning. Definitely looks like the latter.

Technically good, content is fine, though the time skip after the first chapter brushes over a lot and makes the rest hard to follow and understand. First chapter stands alone just fine though, and without any gore or death that probably drove a few of those dislikes.

On the last chapter though: Is Sombra out of the picture? For how long? Nimbus still wants to follow in his hoofsteps? And regarding the knives, Nimbus is trying to frame Flurry for the murder of her parents to get her exiled? ...because his knives were briefly in her jewellery box, which only she and him knew about?

Very interesting idea. Overall pretty good, but with some flaws.

The sex parts are a little too quick, especially between penetration and climax. Need more descriptions to be good clop.

There should be some explanations in chapter 2 to tell the readers that Sombra had been defeated. I was going from that all the way to the end feeling confused as I thought Sombra was still in charge.

Nimbus' motive for killing Shining and Cadance is a little dull. It would go off much better and complement chapter 2 much more if it was to get off their opposition to his relationship with Flurry, and get her on the throne so she could validate their relationship. It could even be initiated in response to them trying to pair her/him to the Duchess of Maretonia's son/daughter. His plan in the story to frame Flurry makes no sense anyway, as no one saw Flurry put the knives away into her treasure box besides Nimbus, and they would rather believe her than him.


Yeah, afraid that the timeframe for the contest came back and bit me pretty hard - I was struggling with getting an idea to roll until the last week or so, and then realized on about Monday that I was only half way to word count, so... yeeeeeeah. My poor pre-readers didn't even get enough time to take a stab at the second half of it, which is probably where the biggest problems end up happening.

As for the confusing bits....

What I didn't really get the chance to explain on-screen, but would end up being clearer in a sequel if I ever get to one - or if 2/3 had been the start of said sequel - is that Sombra's spell to ensure Cadance conceived also included a failsafe in case he was beaten by the M6, which ended up happening since it was all taking place during S9E1/2 (could have made that clearer). Said failsafe was intended to prevent him from being banished/exorcised/blowed up again by reincarnating him through a living pony body. As such, Nimbus is Sombra, he's just been biding his time for the last decade or two until he had the opportunity to set things up.

His plan to do so involved using the knives that Flurry had locked up - in a location that, as far as she knew, he didn't know she'd used, and couldn't open even if he did. After all, he's a pegasus, how could he open a magically locked box? When she ends up finding out what's happened, she won't have any idea who did it, but the initial suspicion that he did it will be something she has no real choice but to defuse immediately because he "couldn't" have done it based on what she knows. Would have tried to make that clearer if I'd had time before deadline.

Ah, well I'm still glad you published something.

That failsafe definitely would have made for some interesting story, with some more to establish it at least. Could maybe have had Nimbus/Sombra repeat something from the first chapter, and give Cadence time to react and further telegraph that it's Sombra in control.

I still think the escape plan is weak, even if Flurry staunchly defends Nimbus, who's going to believe a teenager with no evidence? I don't see her being exiled before Nimbus, at any rate

There was a missed opportunity in this chapter, but I guess there wouldn't be enough time to add another part to this or it may have slip by.

I think it would have been better to put the blame on someone other than Flurry. Hopefully, I am not overusing this but Nimbus's actions and words should be like "Honey". Let them push Flurry to his outstretched wings instead by forcing her there and then slowly start to corrupting her in which at the end he would have her rule at his side fully devoted and with heirs.

Good story but you could've gone darker and i mean more emotional not gorier. What you could've done was frame a crystal pony any crystal pony in kilingl Cadance and Shinining Armour as an attempt on his life but he got away. Fake mourning their passing while re-enforcing Flurry Heart's promise to keep him safe like wincing and whimpering at every pony blaming him for their deaths because of his origin. Acting scared around the ponies when Flurry is around. Keep the act up by reinforcing her need to protect him and slowly fueling her anger to the ponies she rules thus corrupting her with dark magic based on hate and anger she'll feel when ponies keep saying that her brother is evil and keep pushing her more that she announces she'll marry him create a new heir with him and rule with him. Then as she does this and recieves a hated backlash that Flurry finally snaps and becomes like Sombra herself like her brother/husband thus corupting not only the Crystal Heart but Flurry as well. So what you think? Nonetheless good story!

Comment posted by spider mane 616 deleted Dec 26th, 2020

if you had added anthro it would have been better

Oh, absolutely I could have gone there. However, again, that would be a longer term project.... And less Sombra, since it would be giving him less ultimate control.

Narcissism is a cruel mistress sometimes.

This story is really interesting so far. I don't get the like to dislike ratio, even with a dark turn that presumably happens in chapter 3. In fact, I would very much like to see a longer story based on Chapter 1 and 2 with a happier tone and ending more in line with Chapter 2 than what I presume to be in Chapter 3. It's a very creative and unique idea you've got there.

Okay. Now I understand somewhat the dislike to like ratio. Honestly though, as much as this dark twist and me don't agree with each other, I think it would have been much more accepted if you at least had Nimbus spare his mommy's life and make her his secret sex slave/broodmare. I know I would have accepted it more, for sure. XD

Lol. Well if you ever remake the story go whole hog. I still liked the story nonetheless.

Personally I'd like to see FLurry Willingly serve her brother AND Sombra....(for a change).

Though I do think he should have had his way with Cadence before he finished her off....

I'd take it even further and just have him spare Cadence and turn her into his personal breeding/sex slave.

Yes I thought of that too...but I did admire the sand to actually Kill her... Authors are usually afraid of backlash from sites like these if they actually do something Taboo..like death scenes...i wonder if they would want trophies.....SA or Cadence Stuffed..or maybe their Cutiemars as wall pictures...might be a bit much for this site...I'd PAY for stuff like that personally

I mean, I do take commissions though I have one in the queue already. I'll just say I've never hit my darkest material in this fandom.

i like the idea but the story feel very disjointed, not enough is explained as to how sombra was defeated, or how sombra possessed his own foal, also his plan not very good, it been better to arrange Candace and shining death via a accident and marry flurry to jointly rule the empire and then plan to kill her too in the future to secure his rule and legitimacy

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