• Published 20th Dec 2020
  • 8,173 Views, 99 Comments

The Five Second War - Jest



Chrysalis' invasion lasts only a whopping five seconds before she surrendered. All according to plan.

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Pyrrhic Victory

Celestia yawned, and stretched out on her throne, smacking her lips as she eyed the sun drawing low on the horizon. The day had been long, not terribly eventful, and altogether a bit of a chore, though that wasn't enough to get her down. Glancing back to the mostly empty room she looked down at her assistant Quick Quill, who was pouring over the schedule with a worried look.

“Is something wrong?” Celestia inquired.

The pony’s back straightened, and he hastily shook his head. “It's nothing your highness. I just realized the next individual has a peculiar name.”

“Peculiar, how?” Celestia questioned.

“Well it's… you know what I’ll just read it to you,” the earth pony cleared his throat. “Celestia-I’m going-to-slap-your-ugly-face. With dashes between each word.”

“That is….” Celestia frowned, temporarily at a loss for words. “Am I the butt of some joke I haven't heard about?”

“Not that I’m aware. They filled out all the proper paperwork,” Quick Quill replied.

The alicorn frowned, her gaze lingering on the distant door which separated the throne room from the waiting area. “I suppose we should send them in then,” she half heartedly declared.

“I suppose so,” agreed Quick Quill.

Celestia cleared her throat, and motioned towards the guard who stood near the entrance. “We are ready for the next individual,” Celestia called.

The golden armored pony bowed briefly before tugging open the door with his magic.

A second later and a tall unicorn mare strode into the room, her head held high as if she had just accomplished something great. Her long seafoam green mane hung in a disorganized mess around her black-furred shoulders. Piercing jade eyes immediately landed on Celestia where they remained as the mare strode into the room.

Celestia immediately found herself struck by the strange pony, and could feel herself leaning subtly to the side, taking a peek at her cutie mark. Which was of an orb of green fire, giving absolutely no hint as to what the mare’s talent might have been, save for maybe pyromania.

The alicorn cleared her throat. “Greetings, what may I help you with today?” Celestia began.

“Before I get to the meat of my reason for being here today, may I please approach the throne?” Asked the mare, who bowed low.

Celestia frowned, noting that although the pony bowed, she still seemed to carry the same cocky air about her that she'd walked in with. Rendering the act which should have been a sign of respect into an almost sarcastic statement that Celestia found irritating. The alicorn briefly considered the pony’s question before shrugging and motioning forward.

She was immortal, nearly indestructible, and had enough magic to vaporize the poor pony with a thought so what was the harm?

“You may,” Celestia offered.

Though she noted the disapproving look on her court assistant’s face, Celestia ignored the expression for now. Instead, she watched as the strange green and black pony trotted up to the base of the throne. Where she stretched her legs and did a few mock air punches with her right forehoof.

“What are you doing?” Celestia asked.

“Getting ready,” replied the pony.

Celestia sighed and planted a hoof against her forehead. “Please do not do anything stupid.”

“Au contraire, this is quite brilliant!” Declared the pony before she leaped up at the alicorn, hoof cocked and ready.

So surprised by the burst of speed that Celestia hardly even had a chance to react before she felt the pony’s hoof hit her cheek. Rather than follow this attack up with another strike, the mare quickly trotted back down to the base of the throne. Where she lay on the ground, forehooves stretched before her, and back legs extended as far as possible.

For some reason, the two throne guards took the time to slap themselves at that exact moment.

“I surrender,” She declared.

The guards looked up to Princess Celestia, who was rubbing her cheek and looking down on the mare. For while she was reeling from the blow, the pony had somehow transformed into a much different creature. Well, not that much had changed, but she did have holes in her legs, her fur was now a hard exoskeleton and on the creature’s back were a pair of insectoid wings.

Her horn was also weirdly jagged and she no longer had a cutie mark, but those differences were small compared to the others.

Celestia opened her mouth to speak only to stop herself.

“Why?” Asked the alicorn.

“I am queen Chrysalis of the changelings, and I am surrendering to you after this act of war in order to invoke the defeated nations clause,” replied the creature.

“Okay that is a whole lot to unpack but why hit me? You could have simply declared war and then surrendered,” Celestia inquired.

“Cus this is way funnier,” Chrysalis replied with a shrug.

Quick Quill groaned. “Shall I reschedule the rest of your evening?”

Celestia nodded. “Send Raven to do it. I have a feeling I’ll need you soon enough.”

The earth pony nodded before quickly scampering out of the throne room. Leaving Celestia to stare down at the changeling with a mixture of confusion as well as curiosity.

“How do I know you really are the leader of your people?” Celestia began.

“Because I have this,” Chrysalis declared before her head was briefly covered in fire, revealing a black crown with small green pearls mounted atop each of its six points.

“Is that supposed to mean something to me?” Celestia deadpanned.

“This is the crown of the changelings, and only the undisputed leader of our species can wear it,” Chrysalis replied. “If that is not enough to convince you of my rulership then I can summon some of my subjects.”

“That would be excellent, thank you,” Celestia replied.

“Burrow Watch, Shattered Fang, reveal yourselves,” Chrysalis declared.

The two royal guards standing below Celestia’s throne nodded before being covered in green fire. Where once a pair of noble unicorn stallions stood, there were now changelings who bowed not to Celestia, but Chrysalis.

“Solar Glare, Sun Spot, what have you done to my guards?” Celestia asked, rising from her throne in anger.

“Oh nothing,” Chrysalis replied, standing up and stretching her legs. “These two have been gainfully employed by your guard for two decades at this point.”

“That doesn't sound legal,” Celestia murmured.

“Subsection two of the Brandenbuck constitution allows the giving of a false name if the individual fears that their real name may lead to their death,” Chrysalis replied.

“Brandenbuck? Isn't that an old unicorn city?” Celestia inquired.

“Indeed it is, and after it was absorbed by New Unicornia, which then became Canterlot, its laws became national laws,” Chrysalis explained.

Quick Quill emerged from the other room only to stop. “Is everyone okay in here?”

“Yes, just fine… I think,” Celestia murmured, sitting back down.

“I don't intend on harming anyone else, if that's what you’re thinking,” Chrysalis exclaimed.

Celestia sighed. “Could you repeat what you just said to Quick Quill here?”

Chrysalis nodded and did just that.

The earth pony assistant rubbed his chin briefly before nodding. “Yes, that is perfectly legal. Though shouldn't we get back onto the more important topic?”

“Like my unconditional surrender, and your obligation to house as well as feed all four hundred thousand of my citizens,” Chrysalis declared.

Celestia’s jaw hung open and she had to shake her head in order to dismiss the stupor which had fallen over her. “Okay, that part cannot be legal. There is no way we are obligated to do all that,” Celestia exclaimed, glancing expectantly at Quick Quill.

Who smirked. “This time you are wrong Chrysalis. Only combatants are owed such accommodations.”

“Every single citizen has been trained as a soldier, and was told to hit themselves at the moment between my assault and surrender, thus leaving them injured during the conflict,” Chrysalis countered.

“That explains the slapping…” Celestia murmured, only to glance back at her assistant.

“That counts,” he muttered. “Injuries don't need to be sustained in battle, or even from the enemy.”

“Blast it all,” Celestia muttered, the alicorn sinking further into her chair, only to perk up. “Wait, I can pardon you of all crimes, thus nullifying your act of war!”

“If I was an Equestrian citizen,” Chrysalis countered.

Celestia glanced hopefully to her assistant, who shook his head. “Really? Come on!” Celestia groused.

“I’m afraid she's right princess,” Quick Quill exclaimed.

“But I hold supreme executive authority, can't I just, erase those laws?” Celestia inquired.

“During, and immediately after an act of war the princess cannot enact or rescind any measures made before the war for a period of three years after it,” Chrysalis exclaimed. “I believe you yourself added that one. Something about avoiding the supreme chancellor problem.”

Celestia grumbled bitterly. “Okay, that one may have been a mistake.”

“Don't you just love having a legal code carried over from unicorn supremacists, and altered by sixteen different overlapping duchies as well as a thousand years of power-mad nobles?” Chrysalis teased.

“I liked it more when I was the only one who knew all the old loopholes,” Celestia muttered.

“So, have we reached an accord?” Chrysalis offered.

Celestia muttered curses under her breath. “I guess. What manner of accommodations do your people require?”

“Oh not much, just thirty fluid ounces of water per day, as well as a heaping helping of love,” Chrysalis declared.

“Like…” Celestia used her magic to create a glowing circle and a rod which she moved in and out of the circle in a lewd manner.

Chrysalis scoffed. “By the first mother, no. I meant literal feel-good mushy love. We are emotivores.”

Celestia sighed. “Well, that's a relief. Kinda.”

“Now then shall we begin planning where the construction of the new hive shall be?” Chrysalis offered.

“New hive?”

“Why of course, we are changelings. We need dark damp space to reside after all,” Chrysalis replied.

Celestia sighed, collapsing into her chair like a half-deflated beach toy. “After this, I am so bringing back the monarchy.”

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