Pyrrhic Victory
Celestia yawned, and stretched out on her throne, smacking her lips as she eyed the sun drawing low on the horizon. The day had been long, not terribly eventful, and altogether a bit of a chore, though that wasn't enough to get her down. Glancing back to the mostly empty room she looked down at her assistant Quick Quill, who was pouring over the schedule with a worried look.
“Is something wrong?” Celestia inquired.
The pony’s back straightened, and he hastily shook his head. “It's nothing your highness. I just realized the next individual has a peculiar name.”
“Peculiar, how?” Celestia questioned.
“Well it's… you know what I’ll just read it to you,” the earth pony cleared his throat. “Celestia-I’m going-to-slap-your-ugly-face. With dashes between each word.”
“That is….” Celestia frowned, temporarily at a loss for words. “Am I the butt of some joke I haven't heard about?”
“Not that I’m aware. They filled out all the proper paperwork,” Quick Quill replied.
The alicorn frowned, her gaze lingering on the distant door which separated the throne room from the waiting area. “I suppose we should send them in then,” she half heartedly declared.
“I suppose so,” agreed Quick Quill.
Celestia cleared her throat, and motioned towards the guard who stood near the entrance. “We are ready for the next individual,” Celestia called.
The golden armored pony bowed briefly before tugging open the door with his magic.
A second later and a tall unicorn mare strode into the room, her head held high as if she had just accomplished something great. Her long seafoam green mane hung in a disorganized mess around her black-furred shoulders. Piercing jade eyes immediately landed on Celestia where they remained as the mare strode into the room.
Celestia immediately found herself struck by the strange pony, and could feel herself leaning subtly to the side, taking a peek at her cutie mark. Which was of an orb of green fire, giving absolutely no hint as to what the mare’s talent might have been, save for maybe pyromania.
The alicorn cleared her throat. “Greetings, what may I help you with today?” Celestia began.
“Before I get to the meat of my reason for being here today, may I please approach the throne?” Asked the mare, who bowed low.
Celestia frowned, noting that although the pony bowed, she still seemed to carry the same cocky air about her that she'd walked in with. Rendering the act which should have been a sign of respect into an almost sarcastic statement that Celestia found irritating. The alicorn briefly considered the pony’s question before shrugging and motioning forward.
She was immortal, nearly indestructible, and had enough magic to vaporize the poor pony with a thought so what was the harm?
“You may,” Celestia offered.
Though she noted the disapproving look on her court assistant’s face, Celestia ignored the expression for now. Instead, she watched as the strange green and black pony trotted up to the base of the throne. Where she stretched her legs and did a few mock air punches with her right forehoof.
“What are you doing?” Celestia asked.
“Getting ready,” replied the pony.
Celestia sighed and planted a hoof against her forehead. “Please do not do anything stupid.”
“Au contraire, this is quite brilliant!” Declared the pony before she leaped up at the alicorn, hoof cocked and ready.
So surprised by the burst of speed that Celestia hardly even had a chance to react before she felt the pony’s hoof hit her cheek. Rather than follow this attack up with another strike, the mare quickly trotted back down to the base of the throne. Where she lay on the ground, forehooves stretched before her, and back legs extended as far as possible.
For some reason, the two throne guards took the time to slap themselves at that exact moment.
“I surrender,” She declared.
The guards looked up to Princess Celestia, who was rubbing her cheek and looking down on the mare. For while she was reeling from the blow, the pony had somehow transformed into a much different creature. Well, not that much had changed, but she did have holes in her legs, her fur was now a hard exoskeleton and on the creature’s back were a pair of insectoid wings.
Her horn was also weirdly jagged and she no longer had a cutie mark, but those differences were small compared to the others.
Celestia opened her mouth to speak only to stop herself.
“Why?” Asked the alicorn.
“I am queen Chrysalis of the changelings, and I am surrendering to you after this act of war in order to invoke the defeated nations clause,” replied the creature.
“Okay that is a whole lot to unpack but why hit me? You could have simply declared war and then surrendered,” Celestia inquired.
“Cus this is way funnier,” Chrysalis replied with a shrug.
Quick Quill groaned. “Shall I reschedule the rest of your evening?”
Celestia nodded. “Send Raven to do it. I have a feeling I’ll need you soon enough.”
The earth pony nodded before quickly scampering out of the throne room. Leaving Celestia to stare down at the changeling with a mixture of confusion as well as curiosity.
“How do I know you really are the leader of your people?” Celestia began.
“Because I have this,” Chrysalis declared before her head was briefly covered in fire, revealing a black crown with small green pearls mounted atop each of its six points.
“Is that supposed to mean something to me?” Celestia deadpanned.
“This is the crown of the changelings, and only the undisputed leader of our species can wear it,” Chrysalis replied. “If that is not enough to convince you of my rulership then I can summon some of my subjects.”
“That would be excellent, thank you,” Celestia replied.
“Burrow Watch, Shattered Fang, reveal yourselves,” Chrysalis declared.
The two royal guards standing below Celestia’s throne nodded before being covered in green fire. Where once a pair of noble unicorn stallions stood, there were now changelings who bowed not to Celestia, but Chrysalis.
“Solar Glare, Sun Spot, what have you done to my guards?” Celestia asked, rising from her throne in anger.
“Oh nothing,” Chrysalis replied, standing up and stretching her legs. “These two have been gainfully employed by your guard for two decades at this point.”
“That doesn't sound legal,” Celestia murmured.
“Subsection two of the Brandenbuck constitution allows the giving of a false name if the individual fears that their real name may lead to their death,” Chrysalis replied.
“Brandenbuck? Isn't that an old unicorn city?” Celestia inquired.
“Indeed it is, and after it was absorbed by New Unicornia, which then became Canterlot, its laws became national laws,” Chrysalis explained.
Quick Quill emerged from the other room only to stop. “Is everyone okay in here?”
“Yes, just fine… I think,” Celestia murmured, sitting back down.
“I don't intend on harming anyone else, if that's what you’re thinking,” Chrysalis exclaimed.
Celestia sighed. “Could you repeat what you just said to Quick Quill here?”
Chrysalis nodded and did just that.
The earth pony assistant rubbed his chin briefly before nodding. “Yes, that is perfectly legal. Though shouldn't we get back onto the more important topic?”
“Like my unconditional surrender, and your obligation to house as well as feed all four hundred thousand of my citizens,” Chrysalis declared.
Celestia’s jaw hung open and she had to shake her head in order to dismiss the stupor which had fallen over her. “Okay, that part cannot be legal. There is no way we are obligated to do all that,” Celestia exclaimed, glancing expectantly at Quick Quill.
Who smirked. “This time you are wrong Chrysalis. Only combatants are owed such accommodations.”
“Every single citizen has been trained as a soldier, and was told to hit themselves at the moment between my assault and surrender, thus leaving them injured during the conflict,” Chrysalis countered.
“That explains the slapping…” Celestia murmured, only to glance back at her assistant.
“That counts,” he muttered. “Injuries don't need to be sustained in battle, or even from the enemy.”
“Blast it all,” Celestia muttered, the alicorn sinking further into her chair, only to perk up. “Wait, I can pardon you of all crimes, thus nullifying your act of war!”
“If I was an Equestrian citizen,” Chrysalis countered.
Celestia glanced hopefully to her assistant, who shook his head. “Really? Come on!” Celestia groused.
“I’m afraid she's right princess,” Quick Quill exclaimed.
“But I hold supreme executive authority, can't I just, erase those laws?” Celestia inquired.
“During, and immediately after an act of war the princess cannot enact or rescind any measures made before the war for a period of three years after it,” Chrysalis exclaimed. “I believe you yourself added that one. Something about avoiding the supreme chancellor problem.”
Celestia grumbled bitterly. “Okay, that one may have been a mistake.”
“Don't you just love having a legal code carried over from unicorn supremacists, and altered by sixteen different overlapping duchies as well as a thousand years of power-mad nobles?” Chrysalis teased.
“I liked it more when I was the only one who knew all the old loopholes,” Celestia muttered.
“So, have we reached an accord?” Chrysalis offered.
Celestia muttered curses under her breath. “I guess. What manner of accommodations do your people require?”
“Oh not much, just thirty fluid ounces of water per day, as well as a heaping helping of love,” Chrysalis declared.
“Like…” Celestia used her magic to create a glowing circle and a rod which she moved in and out of the circle in a lewd manner.
Chrysalis scoffed. “By the first mother, no. I meant literal feel-good mushy love. We are emotivores.”
Celestia sighed. “Well, that's a relief. Kinda.”
“Now then shall we begin planning where the construction of the new hive shall be?” Chrysalis offered.
“New hive?”
“Why of course, we are changelings. We need dark damp space to reside after all,” Chrysalis replied.
Celestia sighed, collapsing into her chair like a half-deflated beach toy. “After this, I am so bringing back the monarchy.”
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To be honest, this makes way more sense than 'canon' invasion. At the very wotst, Celestia would think of a way to counter this eventually and throw changelings out, and by that time they could prove themselved useful and trustworthy, sort of, to blunt the motivation.
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In the theoretical sequel, Chrysalis eventually convinces Celestia and the world of their usefulness by virtue of the changelings essentially working for free.
And this is where it falls apart for me. How long has Celestia been ruling, exactly? How many opportunities has she had to remove all the sclerotic old laws from the books? Furthermore, how did those slip under her notice for this long if she went looking for old loopholes, or at least made a point of keeping them in mind long after they slipped out of her subjects' memory?
I do see where you were going with this, but it just wasn't funny. Illogic can be amusing, yes, but it still has to hold up well enough that it doesn't completely collapse under its own rules. Sorry.
it was pretty funny. it's cool to watch a conventional antagonist achieve his goal with the help of vines in the law.
Hilarious. You know Celly could charge Chrysalis with a war crime, considering she launched an attack without first formally declaring war and if sun butt is feeling pretty nasty, she could charge bug butt with attempted assassination.
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"Attempted Assassination"? How can a punch to the face kill you??!! That is really idiotic for Celestia to do.
Makes you wonder what Luna will say.
Reminds me of "The Mouse That Roared", except there's no Q-bomb.
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Because having an ass ton of ancient laws no one else knew about or understood worked well for her up until she was dealing with a fellow immortal.
*snickers* this reminds me of how things play out in one of vavacungs alt universe comics...think it was called when villans win
it takes place in an world where chrysalis won the invasion but freaks out when she realizes she did as she had not planed for that...so celestia
tricks her intopolitely suggests that she surrender and give reparations rather then having to actually follow thru and figure out how to rule her newly conquered realm...celestia also falls in love with her and runs off to the hive to live with her dispite chrysi trying to avoid it, leaving poor luna runing equestriaits a really fun comic yall should read it
10590087
Rare is the person that questions the sunbutts rule...
Ah she shows her true stripes?
Because the attacker is stupid for doing this, because Celestia is stupid for letting this be done to her, or because they are stupid for doing nothing about it?
Edit: That question is answered later.
To be fair, Chrysalis is right...
Technically a changeling is a sapient insectoid innately super-polymorphic emotovore1.
Good story!
I enjoyed reading it.
At first I thought the changelings would slap themselves because Chrysalis plan was so stupid, but it seems she really thought things through.
footnotetag is underratedI also like the version from DERPA, which includes a less merciful Chrysalis and many more lawyers.
And collapsing the griffon economy by accident.
lolwut
ah legalise, is why you gotta rework your legal code after every nation absorbed into yours
I don’t know why but I’ve always loved fics where chrysalis isn’t quite so bull headed and wins against the ponies using their own shoddy legal system.
A very specific type of fic but an enjoyable subset to be sure, having said that this specific fic? I enjoyed it greatly. Thank you for writing it!
i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/496/537/372.gif
10590090
I do wonder if Celestia could find a pony who's quite good at the law in a greasy criminal defense kind of way...
Really, Celestia, she gave you an out and you didn't take it. That's on you.
Because she said this:
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To surrender unconditionally and receive something after the fact is different. Celestia would have to be cognizant of what would come after her surrender in order to include waiving those things as part of the surrender agreement. Which she clearly wasnt.
duchy
noun
plural noun: duchies
the territory of a duke or duchess; a dukedom.
Douchies sounds like the plural form of Douchey... The territory of a douchebag.
Though it does provide setup for a joke.
“Don't you just love having a legal code carried over from unicorn supremacists, and altered by sixteen different overlapping douchis as well as a thousand years of power mad nobles?” Chrysalis teased.
It's pronounced "Duchies" corrected Quick Quill.
"While her pronunciation may be incorrect I must say that her word for it is FAR more accurate" said Celestia.
10590813
Lol nice one. Fixed.
circle as a rod—circle and a rod
Ps: wonderful story, kept laughing the entire time
Simple, but effective.
I don’t believe this, Chrysalis is totally out of character. She’s way to smart in this fic.
I kid, this was extremely funny
simply genus on chrysalises part... poor celestia...
And this is why someone should probably go through the laws every few years, to make sure you don’t have to fire a shotgun in the air before turning a vehicle onto the Main Street.
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Consider this. At the beginning building a law codex on a pre-existing system was a great idea; saved time and effort. It worked well enough, after curbing some more extreme measures, with time more stuff got added in and by the time it became obvious something had to be done to reconstruct and rewise it, no mortal would really abuse the old systems and brave the Sisters' disapproval; there was no rush (it could be put off for tommorow indefinitely). When NNM happened, all of this definitely fell by the wayside; couple centuries into solitary rule, the old morass could even become a source of nostalgia - 'When she returns to me, we'll figure all of this together!'. And then she did, and the mental equivalent of chewing on tinfoil vigorously for years on end wasn't even a consideration (If anything, Luna might have issues with more modern designs)
Plus, it clearly worked in Celestia's favour sometimes. Even assuming other races have an Alicorn-equivalent in some sort of leadership role, nobody was likely to turn this against her - there was pride on the line, and anyway she'd probably see it coming. The changelings had the element of suprise and have quietly prepared for this for some time now, and Chrysalis reined in her pride for the greater good. It's pretty much a perfect storm.
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I suppose. I guess part of the problem is it feels unsatisfying to have a story that's mostly "I already won, and I'm going to introduce all of these concepts never mentioned anywhere else ever to explain how." The rest is accepting a Chrysalis capable of, as you say, reining her pride in for the greater good. That alone calls for an AU tag.
... Oh. And there it is. Well, that one's on me.
Yeah, I'm definitely overthinking this one. Still didn't find it funny, but I'm glad a lot of other people did.
10590087
I get where you’re coming from, but I enjoyed this story. Though I might have the advantage of having only just woken up and can’t brain fully yet.
Good thing they've got those miles of abandoned crystal mines beneath the city. Also better tell Cadance she's got a new assignment as a 'Diplomatic Liaison' to the new changeling refugees. Better hire Pinkie Pie too, just in case they need dessert- er, I mean just in case Cadance needs an assistant.
"You can't be serious." Queen Chrysalis looked at the sign, then at Princess Celestia, then back at the sign. The words 'Danger - Everfree Forest' had been scratched out and smaller words on the bottom indicated that the place was now called 'Happy Changeling Prisoner of War Camp #1' with little hearts and flowers scribed around the letters. Chrysalis lifted one hoof to examine the gooey black mud that clung to it, as well as several leeches, then gave Celestia a vicious glare. "You can't be serious," she repeated.
"It is a place for your changelings that meets your specifications," said Celestia calmly without a trace of snark. "It's damp, dark at least half of the time, and full of creatures who will love you." There was a distant warbling four-part harmony of a hydra bellowing in the distance, and Celestia finally smiled. "Or would you care to negotiate terms to your surrender and subsequent introduction to Equestrian society as contributing members?"
Why does this feel like it belongs in the pony loops ?
Chrysalis rarely is that kind of smart.
10591553
THIS IS FUNNY!
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https://www.fimfiction.net/story/485067/the-five-second-war#comment/10591553
10591553
A welcome addition. Good work.
10591553
QUICK! Post this as a drabble somewhere!
10591553 10591661
I should've known better. Always bet on Sunbutt.
10591692
What about Sunbutt Junior?
I actually really enjoyed this. Really well done. Not seen a good comedy fic like this in a long while. Short but very sweet.
this feels like it shouldn't just be a oneshot
10591700
Sunset or Twilight?
10591919
Who's got a sun for a butt?
10591921
Well, Sunset, but it could have been Twilight. Since, y'know, successor and all that.
10591126
Not only that, but if you really think about the reasons this legal loophole even worked, Celestia would have had absolutely no reason to even consider it as one before this exact moment, after all it's theoretically impossible to have an entire nation of 400k inflict harm on itself at the same time in literally a matter of seconds... unless you happen to be dealing with a species that has an infinite range telepathic hivemind for instantaneous transmission of information but what are the odds of encountering one of THOSE right? Clearly such a thing is the work of those new fangled Science Fiction Comic Books that all the kids love right?
I am laughing so hard right now!!!
If you don't mind, I translated your fic on Russian. Of course, all credits will be written in the fic description. After posting, I'll post here links.
And then all the cherngelerngs died from magical Cordyceps... which mutated into a shape-shifting monstrosity and went into space to seek more worlds to invade!
And now you know the REAL backstory to John Carpenter's "The Thing"!!
Or "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".... or BOTH!!
Chrysalis is an ancient immortal ruler of an entire species bred for espionage. Her behavior here honestly fits much better than it does in canon.
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Chrysalis' biggest problem in canon has always been that - despite all of that being true - she nonetheless has a truly massive overinflated sense of self-importance.