*Nicholas POV*
After Ronin ran off to avoid the wrath of a very angry unicorn, I turned to Sweetiebelle and smiled.
"Hey, I need to go back to Fluttershy and help her with the bunny holes, so I'll catch up with you later." I told her and she smiled big at me as I jogged off and responded.
"Ok, Nick! See you later!" She called out. After I was out of sight, Scootaloo snuck up behind Scootaloo and poked her in the back.
"Well, looks like somepony has a crush." She said as Sweetiebelle jumped in the on shock. Tak came over and laughed at the sight.
"Well, you wouldn't be the only one. Applebloom likes him too. Heck, last time we saw her, she was pestering her sister about courting ideas at their foodstand." He said as Sweetiebelle groaned.
"We decided to compete to see who could win him over, but my sister is too busy chasing Ronin to help me out!" Sweetiebelle said as she huffed and walked off, eager to find a way to win over Nicholas.
Scootaloo and Tak shared a knowing smile before laughing. "Think we should tell Nick about this?" He asked Scootaloo as she shook her head.
"Nope, let them have their fun. It's going to be fun to watch what they pull to try and win Nick over." She said and they started following Sweetiebelle, making sure to stay out of her sight.
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Raiden POV
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I have the most idiotic brother. Not only does the guy cause a confetti tsunami in his own home (I dont even want to know how Pinkie relates to that) but the guy also manages to cause one of this worlds 'heroes' mad at him. To be fair, me spilling those beans about the mailbox wasn't fair to him, but oh well.
I was pulled from these thoughts as I was tackled to the ground by a skydiving pegasus. I groaned loudly and looked at my attacker.
It was a grey mare with a yellow mane and tail with bubbles as her cutie mark. I found myself looking at two moderate gamboge colored eyes, though one was looking in a completely different direction than the other.
"I'm so sorry! I kinda lost control there while delivering this letter to..." She picks up a letter with her wing and looks at it, still on me. "A stallion or mare named Raiden. Do you know who that is, because I can't find their home address anywhere." She said as she finally got off me and I stood up and stretched.
"Well, I'm Raiden. And if you get more mail for me, swing by Twilights. Thats where I'm living for the time being." I said and she gave me the letter. It was closed with a royal seal, so it had to be from Celestia. "What would your name be?" I ask as she points to herself, one eye focused on me, the other on the clouds.
"Me? Im Ditzy, but most people call me Derpy because I'm a bit clumsy." She said as she smiled at me. Honestly, I was finding her absolutely adorable.
"Well, I think I'll call you Ditzy. It fits a cute pegasus like you." I waved goodbye as I walked past her. "Nice meeting you, Ditzy." I said as she turned and waved back, though I didn't see the blush on her face.
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Ronin POV
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I was currently bunkered between the sugercube bakery and some other building next to it. I had lost Rarity for the time being but had a lunch date with the girls to get to. One problem, we had never decided on a place.
Hopefully, Pinkie brings Chrysalis to sugercube corner. I thought as I realized the two might get into an argument or two without me being there. I sighed and walked into the store and took a seat at a booth. Mrs.Cake came up to me almost immediately.
"Oh, you must be Ronin! Pinkie Pie just won't stop talking about you, you know. Now, what would you like?" She asked me as I thought about what I wanted.
"Just a simple cinnamon cupcake, please." I said as she nodded and walked into the kitchen. I stretched out and relaxed as I saw a lizard walk into the bakery. We made eye contact and he ran up to me with a smile on his face.
"Finally! I found you! I have a letter from Celestia for you, and Twilight said to look around town until I saw a scary looking human, so you must be Ronin." He said as he handed me a letter with a royal seal on it. I opened it and raised an eyebrow at the contents.
Inside were several gold and silver looking bits and a note that said something about Celestia coming to town later today. I turned to the lizard and smiled.
"Thanks..." I trailed off as he realized he hadn't introduced himself.
"Oh! my name is Spike, Twilights number one dragon assistant!" He said with pride as Mrs.Cake came back with the cupcake. Figuring the bits were the money for this world, I gave her a silver one and her eyes widened. She gave me a quick thank you and left as Spikes jaw dropped.
"Dude, you just payed ten bits for a two bit cupcake!" He said as I froze mid bite of said cupcake. I turned to him and pulled out a silver and gold bitpiece.
"Ok, then. What do these count for here?" I asked as he smiled, ready to help.
"Silver bits are worth ten bits, and gold are worth one hundred. you don't have any copper ones, but those are worth one bit." He said as I grinned.
"Thanks Spike, you aint so bad for a little dragon." I said. He smiled and wandered off as the door to the place swung open with Pinkie Pie came through with Chrysalis in tow wearing a...party hat?
She sighted me and dragged Chrysalis over to sit in the booth, Pinkie on my right and Chrysalis on my left. I turned to Chrysalis and smirked.
"Have fun?" I asked her as she narrowed her eyes and growled. But, before she could retort, Pinkie answered for her.
"I gave Chrysalis a tour of ponyville while looking for you! Since you fled from Rarity, we looked all over town for where you would want to eat at, then Chrysalis said you would probably be here, so we came here as soon as we could!" She said as I rolled my eyes, smiling.
"What about the hat?" I asked Pinkie, pointing to the hat balanced on her horn.
"That's her behaviour hat! Chrysalis can't remove it with her magic and I won't remove it until she learns to behave!" She answered as I started laughing.
Chrysalis was not amused. "I haven't threatened anything for an hour, get this hat off of me!" She said as Pinkie smiled and lifted it off her head. As soon as it was off, Chrysalis hit it with a magic beam, burning it to ashes.
"Hah! The behavior hat is no more!" She gladly proclaimed...
*pop*
...just as another party hat, this one even bigger and sillier, landed on her horn. Chrysalis yelled and tried to magic it off, but the hat seemed magic proof and made confetti shoot out of it every time Chrysalis used a spell. Chrysalis shortly gave up afterwards and face planted on the table.
I was in tears at this point. After a bit of laughing, I turned to Chrysalis and booped her nose. Her tongue poked out the side of her mouth almost instantly before she sat up and stared at me.
"What do you want?" She asked, still slightly aggravated about the hat on her head. I smiled and kissed her on the cheek before answering.
"So, how long till my armour gets fixed?" I asked her as she looked me over before frowning in deep thought.
"Well, before it only took an hour due to it being just us. But with Pinkie Pie added to the mix, who knows how long it will take or what the exoskeleton will look like. Your greaves and helmet might even change as well." She said as Pinkie attached herself to my back with a hug.
"Besides, I kinda like you without the armour on your chest! Your soooo muscular it feels like I'm hugging a bear!" She said as she nuzzled my neck. I turned and gave her a quick peck on the lips before a thought came to mind.
"Hey, Chrysi? What happened to the old hive?" I asked her as she suddenly looked far more down than before. She took a deep breath before asnwering.
"I'm not sure, but I can't feel any of my kin from that place. Its like that Dadiolus freak said, he killed them all." She said as I pulled her into a deep hug. After a moment, she pulled away and I looked her in the watery eyes.
"We should still go check out the place. Who knows what that maniac left behind." I said as Pinkie pulled the hat off Chrysalis's head.
"Well, lets go! If there are any of your friends there, then we can help them!" She said as Chrysalis looked at her in shock.
"You would help my people, even after we attacked canterlot a week ago?" She asked as Pinkie Pie smiled big at her.
"Sure, you guys were meanies in the past, but no one deserves to be left all alone or die. Besides, the sooner we find them, the sooner I can throw a welcome to ponyville party for them!" She said as Chrysalis rolled her eyes, bit smiled nonetheless.
"Very well, let us go immediately." Chrysalis said as green light enveloped the three of us.
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After the light died down, we found ourselves staring at the remains of the hive. It was torn apart and left in ashes, with singe marks in random spots that looked like they came from lightning bolts. There were changeling bodies strewn all about the place with several wounds and gashes.
Pinkie gasped as tears went to her eyes at the sight. Chrysalis remained still as a statue as her face was one of pure disbelief. I walked forward and leaned down on one of the changeling bodies. It had bite marks on its neck that oddly resembled something I had seen before, but couldn't place it.
"What happened here?" Pinkie whispered in a sob as I walked into the ruins with Chrysalis barely behind me, still not saying a word. We made it to the center of the hive as we saw even more bodies, these ones far more mutilated...and covered in webs.
Hold up....webs?
That set off alarms on my head the second I realized the webs were made recently. I turned to Chrysalis and Pinkie.
"We need to go, NOW!" I yelled as a shadow loomed over us and maniacal laughter filled the room.
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Raiden POV
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I made back to the library to see a white chariot in the front lawn area. I walked inside to see Celestia and Twilight sitting together drinking tea. Celestia turned to me and smiled.
"Ah, Raiden. It's great to see you again. We have much to discuss, but we must wait for your brothers. Do you know where they are?" She asked as I sat down next to Twilight, who was in a ponyloaf across from Celestia.
"Well, Nicholas should be with Fluttershy, and who knows where Ronin is after Rarity chased him across town." I said as Twilight giggled, remembering the incident. Celestia raised an eyebrow as I smirked at the memory.
"Yeah, after we came back from canterlot. Ronin and I were having a heart to heart, and he decided to kick a mailbox across town. Said mailbox was Raritys, and we found that out after a rather...odd event that led to that." I said, remembering the wave of confetti Pinkie had somehow summoned after doing who knows what in Ronins place.
Celestia chuckled and smiled at me. "That defenitely sounds like your brother. Reckless, headstrong. and sooo strong as well." I barely heard the last part, but Twilight definitely did.
"Princess, do you like Ronin?" She asked as a small blush adorned the princess's face. I laughed and stretched.
"Wouldnt suprise me, he did save Celestia." I said as Celestia cleared her throat.
"Be as that may, it is nothing more than a simple crush. I doubt Chrysalis would even think about herding with anypony anyway." She said with a touch of sadness in her tone, Yet I couldn't help but chuckle.
"Princess, I believe he has already formed a herd, considering that Pinkie was not only at Ronins place, but the fact that I saw her in town giving Chrysalis a private tour of ponyville." I said as Twilight gasped.
"Pinkie Pie is dating Ronin!" She yelled as Celestia and I flinched at her sudden outburst before Celestia smiled again.
"It would appear so, my student." She said as Princess Luna came barging into the room looking extremely worried. "What is the matter, sister?" She asked her.
Luna turned to Celestia and frowned. "I just recieved word that the Antiarachnid corpse from the courtyard was a fake! the real menace is still alive and was last seen near the town!" She said as we all got to our feet and hooves quickly. She turned to me and her frown deepened. "Your brother, Pinkie Pie, and Chrysalis are trying to stop him. But he is on a warpath for the town. If he gets here..." She finished as I turned to Celestia.
"We need to prepare for a fight, Now!" I said as she nodded and teleported away. Twilight turned to me quickly, worry laced on her face.
"We have to warn the townsponies!" She said as I nodded before running outside, praying that we had enough time before the lieutenant was on our doorstep.
In a vengeful or romantic way?
Hey, it is what it is.
Interesting
Oh no. Is there gonna be another love triangle?
Ok, that was a little misleading.
Learn to count your money, kids.
Why not just take it off with her hooves?
I thought it was already fixed?
The exoskeleton has a helmet?
He doesn’t know?
Ok, if you’re gonna kill at least clean up after yourself.
Pony hearing
Is that bad?
Does that mean he killed the other changelings?
How does she know that?
Better get that dragon armor.
I doubt it.
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Question answering time!
Romantic
Perhaps another love triangle, perhaps spme broken hearts.
Wheres the fun in just taking it off with your hoofs?
the armour is still not fixed, it tales longer due to pinkies love being a part of its revival process. and yes, it comes with a helmet. (mentioned in the chapter where exoskeleton first appears.)
Nope.
Its not bad, but Twilight is shocked.
Yes he did, more explanation next chapter.
How luna knows any of this shall be explained next chapter
Yeah, I'd doubt it too...
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I was thanking about rarity.
I knew the armor came with a helmet, but I just thought after the armor became his exoskeleton that he ditched the helmet.
Is he really outside the treehouse?
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Oh, then rage.
nah he kept it
The definition of ecchi Isekai Harem anime. I like It!!!
And so I will begin my analysis of your chapter. And I will write in two languages. English and Russian. Why Russian? Because this language is able to convey a huge palette of emotions and experiences, even if you wrote three words. Now let's get started.
Sweetie Belle!
"Hey, I got to get back to Fluttershys and help her with some of the rabbit burrows, so I'll catch up with you later, aight?" I told her and she smiled big at me as I jogged off and responded.
This name is translated into Russian as Flaterschis ??? What the hell is this at all? As I understand it, it should sound like this:
"Hey, I need to go back to Fluttershy and help her with the bunny holes, so I'll catch up with you later, okay?"
But the situation described further in this POV, a little ... warmed my heart. And I am ready to accept my empathy for these filly who are trying to bring themselves closer to Nick! But damn it, Friend! You should write this story for at least 5 years! Because I would like to see her huge! I would like to see many events in it! И это безусловно круто!
I have a question:
How old is each brother? It seems to me that it would be best to indicate their age in the first chapters, in order to better represent their experiences and opportunities for the reader. And also it does not hurt to have a description of the appearance. At least minimal.
"I was pulled from these thoughts as I was tackled to the ground by a skydiving pegasus. I groaned loudly and looked at my attacker."
A skydiving pegasus? It looks like its wings have clearly atrophied.
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It was a grey mare with a yellow mane and tail with bubbles as her cutie mark. I found myself looking at two moderate gamboge colored eyes, though one was looking in a completely different direction than the other.
Wow! Are you, however, a fan comparing with the beautiful, with not healthy food?
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9 years ago I had a girl like Derpy. And I think about her sometimes. After all, I never noticed in her eyes ... she, like Derpy, was and remains beautiful! Here is Derpy, also a wonderful mare, worthy of attention and respect.
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"Just a simple cinnamon cupcake, please." I said as she nodded and walked into the kitchen. I stretched out and relaxed as I saw a lizard walk into the bakery. We made eye contact and he ran up to me with a smile on his face.
Oh, I have 20 years of experience in making "Moscow Donuts".
I can provide a prescription if you are interested.
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In an envelope with a letter... Coins were invested... Do I need to describe what I am feeling at this moment, as well as my opinion about this?
Проклятая денежная система.
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"I gave Chrysalis a tour of ponyville while looking for you! Since you fled from Rarity, we looked all over town for where you would want to eat at, then Chrysalis said you would probably be here, so we came here as soon as we could!" She said as I rolled my eyes, smiling.
Yes. I am a Russian reader and author. But this episode, the moment I marked with a special color, confuses me. How is it even possible to escape from Rarity? It looks like escaping from her body!
Now for the correct description: Run as far from the Ponyville fashion designer's boutique as possible! Rarity. And she did not seem such a fragile mare as it might seem at first glance. I especially began to notice this after our stalking marathon called "Vandal Chase" lasted for almost two minutes. I already began to see the outskirts of this small town, but when I turned around, I saw a mischievous smile on Rarity's face!
These are the words that should have been written in this text! And I will even agree that you will ignore my comment, but at the same time you will write this part of the text (proposed by me) in your chapter.
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Repair your armor?
I want to repeat my question once again: What does Ronin look like at the moment? Armor or exoskeleton? There is a difference.
And it's scary to imagine. Does he look like a mutant?
Some asshole killed a whole hive! But at the same time, he couldn't handle one creature ... Looks "like the X-Files".
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"Sure, you guys were meanies in the past, but no one deserves to be left all alone or die. Besides, the sooner we find them, the sooner I can throw a welcome to ponyville party for them!" She said as Chrysalis rolled her eyes, bit smiled nonetheless.
"Very well, let us go immediately." Chrysalis said as green light enveloped the three of us.
Man ... you should fix this moment. Namely, to clarify who speaks your diologist.
And I know that I had such mistakes in the initial chapters. But over time, Namely, to clarify who expounds his dialogue. you need to make a new paragraph and add the feelings and emotions of the character in his description, and only after that his words.
Pinkie gasped as tears went to her eyes at the sight. Chrysalis remained still as a statue as her face was one of pure disbelief. I walked forward and leaned down on one of the changeling bodies. It had bite marks on its neck that oddly resembled something I had seen before, but couldn't place it.
"What happened here?" Pinkie whispered in a sob as I walked into the ruins with Chrysalis barely behind me, still not saying a word. We made it to the center of the hive as we saw even more bodies, these ones far more mutilated...and covered in webs.
I regret not being able to become more familiar to you even earlier. After all, then, if we worked with you together, it would be possible to invest in these scenes, (and I'm not talking about the plot that you invent) They can be described more honestly!
Chrysalis has suffered losses in the size of her hive! Your Hive! YOURS! And her only emotion is surprise? Brother ... to get a better approach to this question, namely to the transmission of emotions, let's suppose this moment:
I am a Russian FSB agent on my mission and by chance your family falls under this case. I am desperate and ready to do anything for the glory and promotion of my hive! I kill everyone in my path, including your family, in order to achieve my goal!
Is that how you feel after my words? This is exactly the feeling that should be inside the Chrysalis! And not jus!
"Wouldnt suprise me, he did save Celestia." I said as Celestia cleared her throat.
Saved Celestia ... In these words, you are now belittling the experience and worthy of Princess Celestia! For a moment, this mare has over a thousand years of experience. I am sure that even if she does not use her magical ability to the fullest, then at least she will not be so shy towards Rhonin. In order to understand why I am saying this, you must very well imagine in your imagination a Mare that has the appearance of youth, and the wisdom of thinking. That being said, Celestia is still a Mare! Even if more than a thousand years have passed. And this means that her soul and body are not alien to the feelings of love. And I mentioned Love as the main feeling. But how much emotion can you learn in a few hundred years? That is why many young authors have an obvious mistake when describing Celestia. They cannot even roughly convey her thinking and her feelings. Because in the MLP show we see her as a mature mare. But in order to describe mature feelings in full, you need to understand them and go through them!
But I am not writing these lines as a reproach! Because even for me, a thirty-year-old man, it is sometimes difficult to convey and describe Celestia. So I have to experiment. But I do it with mature experience.
The last part of the chapter really sparked a spark in me. And for this I will wait for the Volt to finally be able to at least hurt someone! Not like last time! Otherwise, I'm tired of these cheap plots for TV shows.
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Thanks for that catch, I'll adjust it so you are able to read it better (and others that do the same.)
How did Scootaloo sneak up behind herself? She's not related to the Pink Eldritch Horror
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An alternate universe is something that is designed to destroy established opinions and habits.
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Not really, just Sweetiebelle not paying attention, lol