• Member Since 17th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen 42 minutes ago

TheOneAJ


I'm am an autistic brony, looking to write fantasy and everyday life novels for my kind. I became a brony when I related well with applejack and twlight, and I love the show.

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With a pandemic in full swing, much of life for the world, especially the students of CHS, has drastically changed over the year. With no end in sight as the holidays near, instead of crying over what they can’t do, they try to focus on what the can. So, instead of Pinkie Pie throwing her annual ugly sweater party, this year, she opts for an ugly, mask, one instead.

Written for AppleZombi for the 2020 Jingle-Miss gift exchange. Request: a story with Sunset Shimmer in it. Romance preferred, EQG is fine!

Pre-read by VividSyntax

Specialized cover art provided ViolaRules https://twitter.com/violarules2?s=21 (WIP)

If you liked this story and would like to consider becoming a sponsor for some of my future works, Consider checking out my Kofi page ☕️

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 8 )
Comment posted by TheOneAJ deleted Dec 22nd, 2020

Holiday Masking; Notes from the pre-readers

Possible title; Holiday Wraps
*because it’s masks, be covered, sounded less awful that holiday masks… going to stop now

Vivid: I think "Holiday Masks" sounds fine, to be honest
Me: I got one better now!; Holiday Masking
Funny enough, just learned what masking is in the autistic community, so this sound fitting here

Twilight Sparkle opened her frontthe door to the most beautiful thing in the world!

Vivid; This is a good opening line. It established the mood well, and it starts with the main character taking an action.

Also by Vivid; You don't have to make this change, but I would add something somewhere early on to show where the scene takes place. I wasn't sure where it was until the end of this section.

Oh, and Sunset Shimmer looked as radiant as always to the little bookworm, as her girlfriend did every day.

Vivid: You don't have to make this change, but I would add something somewhere early on to show where the scene takes place. I wasn't sure where it was until the end of this section.

Changed to; Plus, Sunset Shimmer looked as radiant as always to the little bookworm.

Twilight said with a blush as she stared at the still-warm dester

Vivid: what’s a dester?

Me: Oh yay, a funny guy ^^’
🍨
I like you/wish I could have you for more stories! :)

May just be...

leaning in to plant a kiss in Twilight’s *cheak.

Vivid: change a-e
Also;
For politeness, try to use Google Docs' internal spell check before asking someone to look something over for you.

Debated adding this, as I seemed to have trouble spelling cheek, and this pushed over that hesitation 👌

One of which was Pinkie’s famous ugly sweater party that had turned into an ugly mask party,* Principal Celestia had graciously allowed to take place in the school’s parking lot.

Vivid: Delete the comma,
Splitting up to avoid run-on

Sunset: “Oh, I’m hurt that you think I never pay attention to you,” Sunset said, *hand to her chest.

Vivid: Hand? Oh, this is EQG territory. I recommend added some physical description to Sunset above so we know it's her human form. A quick phrase about her outfit would go a long way (it doesn't need to be labored).

Me: Will mention, although a writing rule for me/thing I do I might share with you;
I hate describing clothes and looks.
The former, admitably, out of laziness to look up stuff ^^’, although with the ladder I mean with psychical appearance (they had this color hair, skin, eyes, was that cubby, ect.) unless it’s important as most of time, people just picture that characters to look however they want, and if someone a story of mine gets turned into a movie, creates less pressure for an actor to be ‘show accurate’ and who’d be best for the role ^^’

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “You sure about that?”

Twilight fidgeted as she looked at the cupcakes. “Eh… Maybe just one couldn’t hurt.”

Vivid; This is a cute exchange ❤️

”Okay,” Sunset said with a *nodded.

Vivid: Replace: “nodded” with “said with a nod”
Also,
If you use a comma after a quotation, make sure you use a verb that's a variation of "said." In this case, the original wording implies that Sunset nodding somehow makes the sounds of the word "okay."

Replace fallowing; with fallowing:

Vivid: Semicolons join two related thoughts; they're rarely used, since most people just break up the sentences.
Colons have more versatile usage: lists, emphasis, or otherwise focusing the reader on information.

Twilight *giggled,

Vivid: Careful re-using a word like this. My general rule is to try to use words or actions no more than once per page.

Me: I don’t fallow :/

Vivid: You used the word "giggle" 3 times in just a few paragraphs. I recommend changing two of them to other words.

Me: ah... yes >.>

Slapped myself with a fish after 🐠



*Advice given from the scene where they head to that party*;

Vivid: I think that you could expand on the walk over to the party. The central emotional conflict seems to be that Twilight is sad things are different this year (and who could blame her). Maybe Have her seem down, and Sunset asks what's wrong, and Twilight doesn't want to say yet. That would set up the ending.

Er, yeah,” Twilight relented,

Vivid: "abandon or mitigate a harsh intention or cruel treatment"

Maybe "mumbled through a forced smile" if you want to convey that she's not confident.

Went with; “Er, yeah,” Twilight mumbled through a forced smile.

“Aw, don’t worry about me!” Dash said, having overheard them.

Vivid: I'd change this to "shouted from across the parking lot" or something. That way, we get to see where she's listening from, and there's some humor in her always listening for people talking about her. Reading down below - maybe she's on the stage and tuning her guitar?

Thinking on it, went with: Dash shouted, having overhead them as she passed by. Keeping herself a notable thirty feet away from her friends.

Rarity *scoffed.

Vivid: great word choice here

Sure.” Twilight *mouthed.

Vivid: If she's mouthing something, she's not saying it out loud. Is this your intent?

Me: Eh, more that’s she’s saying so dry/coldly/sarcastic/negatively

Vivid: You can change it to, “said coldly,” then. “Mouthed” means she’s moving her lips, but no sound is coming out

”Yeah, of course I am,” Twilight protested. “Honestly. *Or at least as honestly as one can be after this year,” she admitted, slumping against the tree.

Vivid: is she implying that the year made her more dishonest. Maybe instead, you meant, "Or at least as okay as one can be after this year"

Went with: “Of course I am!” Twilight protested. “Or at least as okay as someone can be after this year,” she admitted, slumping against the tree.


Finale thoughts;

Vivid: Very cute little slice-of-life story overall. It was nice seeing all our EQG friends, and Sunset's voice in particular sounded spot-on. My biggest piece of advice is to make the conflict known earlier, or at least hint at it: Twilight is sad because the party is different, and she was really looking forward to the usual holiday festivities. If you give that conflict more time early on, then the scene at the end will be much more impactful. Fun overall, though, and thanks for the preview!

Well that’s all for this year. Happy Holidays, everyone. Hope you have a fun, and safe time. Things may change, and that may be scary, but that Dosnt mean we can adapt and grow rather than fear or run from it. ❤️

Very cute SoL! Exactly the kind of story I was hoping for.

I love the positivity in the face of adversity. Each character approaches the conflict in a mature and realistic way, even though it occasionally becomes overwhelming.

The relationship between Sunset and Twi is also light and fluffy; it has the air of something brand new, but that has the potential to grow into something beautiful over the long term.

Minor typo here:

That maybmean it’s different, but if it’s with you guys, I’m happy.

Thanks, and Happy Holidays!

10594712
Nnooo!! :raritydespair: I worked so hard to grammar right for once 😭 *fixed*
Well glad you liked enough to comment and made your criteria :twilightsmile:
Wasn’t honestly sure where to go with this when I first drafted (why the intro almost seems like it be a solo story) the idea can of built more a; why not have something that might have meaning in relation to this year, but still try to reflect the holiday spirit. Which hopefully, even the mask part becomes dated, the story itself won’t

Despite I'm reading this after Christmas and in the year 2021 what twilight said is right. Things won't be the same even after the pandemic ends in the coming months. Hopefully 2021 will be better for all of us since other than covid 19 2020 was a sad year with losses and I sadly lost my grandma days before the world as we know it would change. And before anyone asks my grandma didn't have covid. She was having serious health problems and her body just couldn't take it anymore. Despite there sadly will be more deaths to come with covid hopefully once this pandemic ends some things will go back to normal and hopefully we'll slowly get things back to the way it was before 2020. But only time will tell.

10623740
Thanks for the comment ^^
Sadly, I’m not sure things will be ‘as the same’ :twilightoops:
This was more a story more about how to cope and adapt rather than wallowing in what can’t be helped. Still, so far I say the years been good 😌

10625843
I know covid will still be an issue in the future but hopefully not as crazy as 2020 was so best to not worry

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