An Honest Opinion
Gosh, I'm so hungry. So very hungry... I wonder if-
CHOMP!
Ptuii! Nope, my tail is still not cotton candy. I think I need to try harder... Oh, Why didn't I pack any food? Back on the farm I could be eating pound-cake, hard-tack, chewy- Oh. Right, I remember now!
Pinkie's thoughts flew hither and yonder as she trotted up the dirt road to Sweet-Apple Acres. Or, what she thought was Sweet-Apple Acres, based on the sign saying "Sweet-Apple Acres."
Loudest of gasps! Maybe this is just a normal, not Sweet just-an-apple-farm slash orchard slash barn museum! Maybe some pony stole their sign and put it here to fool unsuspecting ponies into buying their brand! It's a sham!
"Ho, there!" a lilting voice called from further down the property. "And what are you doing this fine Summers' mornin', li'l missie?
Pinkie Pie pouted in the direction she had heard the voice.
"I'm h-hu-hungry. Got a bite to eat around here? Ha! That's silly! I don't want to eat a bite, I want a bite of something to eat!"
"Err, 'kay? Well, ah've got some fresh-picked Red Delicious, fresh outta the orchard, if you can't wait 'til market tomorrow!"
Pinkie galloped over to the mare calling to her, dropping the cart. Pausing, she turned and ran up to the cart, giving it a solid kick.
Blip-Blip!
Satisfied that the cart was now locked and safe from any potential thieves, what with all the sign-stealing going on around here, she continued her mad dash to the orange farmer with the barrel of juicy delicious food.
Pinkie dove in and started devouring her quarry. Not apple was safe from her ravenous grasp! A sticky, juicy explosion enveloped Applejack who started to open her mouth to protest, but thought better of it.
Ain't my place to stand between a pony that hungry and a bucket of our finest apples. Nopony deserves to be deprived of a Sweet Apples harvest! In fact, I should sit back and take some pride in mah produce... In fact, I might have one mahself- When this lovely lady is finished, o'course. Might lose a hoof otherwise, that's fer sure.
"Hey, li'l dahlin', think you could hoof me an apple? I don't think ya need 'em all, heh."
A particularly large, juicy apple was thrown carelessly from the depths of the barrel, accompanied by many a loud munch.
"Hey, I can too eat all these apples!"
Applejack's eyes narrowed as she took a measured bite of the Oh, dear Celestia, I now completely understand, admittedly amazing apple.
"Oh yeah? Prove it."
Pinkie's head poked out of the world's most hardcore session of apple-bobbing. Her mane was sticky, but this was not a purely recent development. Pinkie had the propensity to attract stickiness, get your mind out of the gutter, that can only elsewhere be found on toddlers hands.
"It. Is. On!" Pinkie decreed.
Pinkie literally dove back into her veritable feast, counting the days she wouldn't need to see a doctor. Unless dentists counted as doctors, that is.
Munch munch munch munch, MMMM! Juicy!, Munch munch munch
UuUuUuRP!
"All done! What's for dessert, strange talking scarecrow?" Pinkie cried triumphantly to an equal parts amazed and bewildered Applejack.
Well, ah'll be, she did g- Wait, talkin' what now?
Pinkie, still grinning like a lunatic, felt the world spin, spin, spiiin.
Applejack, meanwhile, had the privilege of watching Pinkie's eyes cross and then criss and then cross againas the mare toppled over the edge, landing on the ground with a soft, squishy Thud,
Heh. Figures. Apple-Overdose.
Blur. Bluur, bl- Ooh sparkly lights! Aww, Sparkly lights, why do you always run away when I try to look at you... Maybe... Hmm.
Applejack stared in fascination at the pink mare in her bed, mind out of the gutter, I said, who seemed to have her tongue stuck out in furious concentration. Her eyes would settle on one point before rushing to another part of the room entirely. Each time would be accompanied by a triumphant Ha! before a disappointed little sigh.
"Ha! Aww... Ha! Aww... Ha-HA! Wait, no, nevermind."
"Seems yer awake, sleepy head. Was afraid I'd have ta hoof the bill to yer next o' kin and what not. That ain't exactly mah thoughts of a fun time. 'Dear mister and misses strange pink puffball, seems yer daughter dun gone kick the bucket. Also, you seem to owe me a few dozen bits for all the apples she dun' ate before hoof."
"Yeah, well, do you really think they'd pay if you told them it was the apples that 'dun gone' kill me?" Pinkie giggled.
"Wah- bu- Ooh, ah yer got me there, pardner, so we better both be glad that yer a-okie-dokie and what-not. Name's Applejack, and I never thought I'd see the day when a mare would eat a barrel of apples in front of me and live to tell the tale. What's your name, oh mighty bottomless-pit?"
"Pinkie! Pinkie Pie, to be exact!"
"Well, Pinkie, I'm charmed to meet your aquaintance and what not, but whilst those apples may grow on trees bits don't. So, I'll be lenient, what with my dare almost killin' you and what-not, make it two-and-a-hundred bits for the barrel."
"Done! That's totally what I'd say if I had two hundred bits! I'm sorta broke, though. I'm really sorry I didn't say that before but I really was hungry."
Applejack paused from her chuckling. Did she just...
"Did you say, 'broke'?"
"Eeyup!"
"Ah...Err...Well, I can't exactly get you to return the apples, now, can ah?"
"Well, I don't think you'd want them back..."
"So!" Applejack chuckled, "Guess that means you'll have to work 'em off."
"Ooh, you're right, all that sugar will go right to my thighs-"
"Sweetie, I'm tryin' to decide whether to laugh or to break your neck here, humour me fer a moment."
"Okie-dokie-lokie" Pinkie nodded in agreement. She liked making ponies laugh! She didn't want Applejack to be sad because of her though...
"So, any plans on how, exactly, you might accomplish that?"
Pinkie got a manic gleam in her eye. Her baking sense were tingling.
"Applejack, how many Jonagolds do you have?"
"Just finished harvesting them all last week, but no, to answer your next question, you cannot work off your debt by eatin' more apples."
"Damn, well, there goes plan A. Don't worry your pretty head about it, though, Plan B was probably a lot better anyway!"
"Purdy? You flatter me, miss, but words are cheap. How are you planning to make two hundred bits with mah Jonagolds, hmm?"
"Why, that's easy!" A positively evil smile sparkled in the dim light filtering through the farmhouse window, a matching gleam in her devilish eyes, "Ah'm, er, 'I'm' going to make pockets. A whole lot of pockets."
"Ehh, what's that? Whippersnappers!"
"N'aww, Granny, you gotta come see this!"
"AJ? Whatcha talkin' about, why you gotta wake me from mah nap?" The elderly green mare muttered. She was havin' the best dream about hunky young farmhands...
"Just come on, Granny!"
"Oh, fine, quit yer yammerin', I'm up, I'm up!"
Shakily trotting after her, Applejack led Granny Smith to the kitchen. What she saw plum near gave her a heart attack.
What she saw was a whirlwind of activity. The farms usual humble kitchen was filled with clouds of flour. The room was a good ten degrees hotter than the hall as the old wood-fire oven blazed away. In the middle of this maelstrom of applewood-smoke and various white powders was a pink blur, rushing across the impromptu stations she had constructed for herself.
"Wha- Wha' the heck is goin' on here?"
"Here, Granny, bite into this! It's from the first batch!"
"It's...Mm! It's dog-gone delicious! Did you make this?"
"No, Granny, look! I'd like you to meet Pinkie Pie. She's paying us back for eating a barrel of our apples."
"Well, how didjer not notice a barrel missin' before s-" Granny cried indignantly.
"In one sittin' Granny." Applejack interrupted lamely, though not without a dash of 'It was pretty darn impressive' for taste.
"Hiya, miss Applejack's mum, m'am!" Pinkie greeted, not even looking up from the dough she was currently rolling at lightning speed and precision.
"Ma'? Nah, dear, I'm her grandma!"
"Grandma! But, Miss Smith, you look so young!" Pinkie gasped in shock.
Granny Smith turned to Applejack with a neutral expression.
"Applejack."
"Err, yes Granny?" came the nervous response. Ooh, she's mad isn't she, I knew-
"This mare is a keeper. A downright treasure. Heck, she's welcome to stay anytime, as long as she don't eat us out of house and home."
And with those parting words of wisdom Granny Smith nodded solemnly and cantered back off to her rocking chair to catch some more sleep in the warm summer sunset.
"Err... Okay then?" Applejack muttered, unsure. She glanced back at Pinkie, now folding another two dozen apple-turnovers ready to be baked.
"Okay then." Applejack nodded confidently.
It's simple really, Pinkie thought, dashing some cinnamon into the latest batch of filling, the apples are already scrum-diddly-umptious, and unless I was a tree, and I don't want to be a tree, I can't grow more. So how do I make bits? Easy! I make the apples worth more! Ding! Just slide this batch out with my front hoof, slip the next batch in with my rear hoof, dust the cooked batch with double-dee-licious icing sugar with my other front hoof and balance on my other rear hoof. She paused for a tic. And that's what it's all about! Yeah! She giggled.
Pinkie Pie 'sampled' one of the latest batch, making sure to break it in half for Applejack too.
"Needs a little bit of vanilla, I think, and maybe some brown sugar in the pastry. The filling would do wonders with some nutmeg! You got any nutmeg?"
"Top shelf, to your right, brown glass jar, ah think." Applejack mumbled through a mouthful of pastry. "I don't know why it needs all that, though, this is already the most amazing thing ah've ever tasted. Seriously, Pinkie, teach me how you did this and consider us square."
Pinkie studied Applejack up and down before slamming the nutmeg jar gingerly onto the table. How does one slam something down gingerly, you ask? Personally, I have no idea myself, I only write what happens, doesn't mean I have to understand it.
"Applejack, firstly I consider you far, far too curvy to be square. Your brother looked kinda hunky-angly though, but that's irrelephant!"
"Er, 'irrelevant'?"
"Exactly!" Pinkie nodded fiercely with agreement, "You get it, but secondly, this pastry is super fantabulawesome, but it's not perfect. We are looking for perfection, Applejack!"
"Well, alright, if you say you can make these even better, no pony in Equestria could make me stop you."
"Sweet!" Pinkie squealed as she dusted the latest batch with a little more sugary goodness, "How much do you know about baking?"
"Well, shucks, I don't want to brag 'er nuthin', but we're the only real caterin' competition the Cakes have this side of Canterlot, really."
Pinkie paused. The powder in the air seemed to hang still, lifeless, as if eagerly waiting her next words.
"The Cakes, you say?"
"Oh, sure, they're the local bakers. Cute couple, too, even if they are a bit mushy-gushy-lovey-dovey. They're the sweet to our savoury. Even though we're also pretty sweet, I guess."
"Hrm... No, I think it's best your not that sweet on your brother, too, even if he is totally cute."
Applejack nodded in agreement for a moment before the realization hit her like a freight train of bricks wrapped in a lemon hit her square in the brain-
"Err, why do you keep talkin' about mah broth-"
"IRREGARDLESS!" Pinkie cried. "After the next few batches, I shall promptly journey forth into Ponyville, whereupon-"
"Pinkie, I don't mean to interrupt your spiel, there, but how long does a batch take to cook?"
"Oh, about 20 minutes each, why?"
"And, well, how many batches do you plan on making?"
"Ooh, at least another dozen!"
"It's already sunset Pinkie."
"Oh. Oooh..." Pinkie Pie did the math. "So, I'll just take like, 32 minutes, then?"
"That's addin' Pinks. Yer lookin' at a good-" Applejack tried to work it out in her head, "-Well, at least way past sundown. Why don't you stay here the night, huh? Leave early tomorrow, nice and refreshed. It's the least I can do fer y'all, you've gone way above and beyond here, Pinks."
Pinkie nodded, but she didn't exactly look convinced.
"I'm not convinced, I reckon I could totally stay awake and chipper long enough to take my cart all the way back!"
"If'n you say so."
Snore! Snore. Snore!
Applejack smirked at the exhausted pink puffball curled up by the stove. Three neat crates, the fruit of her labours, were brimming with layers of crisp, warm turnovers ready for selling in the morning. The heat of the fire would keep them fresh as the night would let them stew and marinate in their juices. In other words: Cha-ching.
"Sleep tight, ya crazy varmit." Applejack murmured. "Ya earned it."
Cock-a-Doodle-Doo~
"Eugh... Mornin', Mr Sun, time for a big 'ol bowl of apple pancakes, applejuice, apple syrup and apple buckin' already is it? Ya reckin' you'd have seen me get sick of apples by now, huh, but I still say ya never will. Huh? What in the world-"
Dear Applejack
By the time you read this, I will have learned how to write. Also I'll be gone. Yeah, I guess that's more important anyway.
Well, thank you so much for being so kind! I really appreciate the hospitality, even though I wasn't sick! Just really, really hungry!
Well, as a thanks, I went down to Rarity's and got you a little somethin-somethin'!
Toodle-oo! I hope we meet again soon! Really! I promise I'll be less hungry next time, though!
Pinkie
"Well, who else would it be from," Applejack murmured, "what other crazy mare rights a farewell note in pink crayon?"
She looked down at the gift wrapped box at the foot of her bed with growing apprehension.
Please don't be fru-fru, please don't be fru-fru, I don't want a dress or nothin'...
Eager to get the experience over with Applejack tore open the box and found-
A Stetson. A gorgeous, beautiful handmade Stetson hat. It was just her size, too.
P.S
I hope this fits, I thought measuring your head in your sleep would be way too creepy.
No matter how fun it was.
Well, don't that just beat all, huh?
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[Insert witty comment about how entertaining this story has been so far here.]
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[Insert witty comment about how I concur with your witty comment here]
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[Insert witty comment purely to continue the chain, although I agree with both of you]
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Insert witty rebuttal, vague insult of my readers, then a loving embrace of said readers in a hasty apology.
1265931
Well played.
There is nothing more that I can say about how good this story is that isn't already in the comments so I'll just add this
th04.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2011/179/e/f/cotton_candy_tail_by_dreatos-d3kcyt0.png
I think that this proves, BEYOND a shadow of a doubt that
= best pony!
F-f-filly Pinkie...
Dammit dude, I'm trying to diet here.
Dammit Ross! JUST WHEN YOU HAVE ME LIKING ONE OF YOUR STORIES, YOU BUST ANOTHER LIKE THIS OUT!!! MOAR!!!
Pinkalicious!
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Insert comment about loving your fics and then eating the love.
Fantastic.
Liked! Favorited! Email updates! And watching!
I think you're the first author to say that AJ's hat is NOT her father's hat.
I don't laugh out loud very often, even when I find something funny, but what you did here was just too brilliant for me to control myself! This is great! I especially loved Pinkie's antics at the beginning of this chapter.
1265931 C-C-Combo Breaker!
Also I gotta say I give big thumbs up to the author for making Rarity create Applejack's stenson.
I was having way too much fun with this to get remotely near the gutter here.
One does not question Pinkie. She is the Party Pony. If you question her, she will break your mind.
This is Pinkie Pie to a tee.
How in the world did it take me this long to find this gem.