• Member Since 17th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

TheOneAJ


I'm am an autistic brony, looking to write fantasy and everyday life novels for my kind. I became a brony when I related well with applejack and twlight, and I love the show.

Sequels1

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It’s the Canterlot High School musical production of The Little Mermaid! Everyone is excited, if not nervous on how three reforming sirens are taking part.
For Sunset Shimmer, casted as the red headed mermaid, it seems like an otherwise relaxful endeavor while she focuses on her growing feelings for one of her best friends. That is, until she gets messages that will make her see just how much she has in common with said little mermaid.

Crossover story based on picture(s) by my friend Zarxnos

Current cover art by LunaKirby https://www.deviantart.com/mslunakirby/art/Commission-Little-Mermaid-Sunset-Shimmer-880526509

A story about discovering love, finding your voice, facing you fears, and learning to stand on your own two feet...🦶



Special thanks to ArielFan90 and ExplosionMare for pre-reading and other technical issues.

And to this and the eventual dramatic readings sponsors;
Admiral Typhoon, Saita the Kirin, Fanura Joy, Peppermint Papa QWERTY841, & Arielfan90

Chapters (13)
Comments ( 78 )

I'll admit, I did not see that twist coming!

Aria wanted to play Sunset's role, but was worried she'd turn into a font.

So if thus isn't done, why is this marked Complete? And I don't care what your "reasons" are.

Putting pictures directly in the story never looks good.

That said, Sunset does fit Ariel's role to a T. Adagio, to a lesser extent, also does with Ursula's.

But Twilight, either version, fails miserably to fit into Eric's role. I don't see how you got she did.

Honestly, only Sunset and Adagio as who they play, make any sense at all. The rest don't make much sense. Even by Equestria Girls standards.

awesome story mate keep it up i hope you write the whole the little mermaid 1 story soon:pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

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-because I’m a derp >.>
Thanks for telling me ^^’ changed it
-like I said, this is kind of more an experimental writing thing that takes a few risk. May not go over well and get me more down than upvotes, but I still appreciate the feedback for me to try and make the risks pay off as well as I can ❤️
-yeah, when I requested Z make the foot art, I was thinking of all the parallels with Ariel and Sunset ^.^
Adagio kind of came more as a second thought, but I agree with how she fits
And how do you know Flash won’t be Eric? :p


okay, Sci-Twi will be Eric in TLM segments. And I tried to write it as FlashShimer (if only to make Z’s job easier) but you’ll soon see the reason for it will be made more clear as the story progresses I couldn’t have it any other way
Hope to see you for the continuation of this :twilightsmile:

I love this so far!!

If I were you, though, I would look at some of your spelling and some sentence fragments that you left in the story. A few words are missing letters and some sentences sound like they’re missing words.

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Every time no mater how hard I try 😞
What I’d kill for the world greatest editor

Love the story so far! Do you think perhaps Puppy Spike could be part of the play or just have a scene or two including him?

10697091
I can help you edit some things if you want

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Yay 😁

Well atm having a little technical trouble with Google docs :/ but I’ll keep you and your comment in mind, although feel free, if you can/want, try pointing (copy paste) some issues you see

Taking in a glup, Sunset swam into the belly of the beast. Along the way, coming across the withered souls of those before her, who couldn’t pay the price for the sea witch’s magic. Sunset let out a yelp when one of them reached out and latched onto her arm. Begging her to turn around. With a strained pull, she was able to break free.

- glup should be “gulp”
- The highlighted sentence is incomplete. A good way to fix this is to say “she came” instead of “coming”
- “Begging” and the rest of the sentence could all be a part of the previous sentence followed by a comma

“Come in, come in, dear child,” a voice rang out to Sunset as she no sooner got over the shock. “we must not lurk in doorways. It’s rude.” From the shadow, emerged the sea witch, Adagio. Her with long curly blonde hair and tentacles flowing behind like snakes after their next meal.

- “we” should be capitalized
- The “Her” at the beginning doesn’t make any sense for a description sentence. What would be better is if you said “She had...”

Sunset watched in wonder, as an image of herself, running wild and free on human legs! I was almost too good to be true.

- This sentence is incomplete. Adding “appeared” in place of the first comma should fix it. Also, the “It” is missing a “t”

“But, If he doesn't...” Adagio continued, the lights shifting from a warm red, to a cold blue as Adagio spelled out the display Sunset saw. “you’ll turn back into a mermaid, and,” she paused to let her words sink in as the mini Sunset Shimmer was dragged into the cauldron. “You’ll belong, to me.”

- “If” should be lowercased
- The 2nd highlighted section doesn’t need a comma
-“you’ll” should be capitalized
-“and” should have an ellipses (...) after it to show a pause

Besides her, one, trying to be reformed, Adagio Dazzle, former siren now human, tisked. “Oh you’d be surprised what you can make people do just so you’ll show them some skirt.”

-I would take out this bolded section because it makes the sentence too lengthy and the detail isn’t necessary

Twilight took in a breath and looked around the circle of chairs that made up the cast for this year’s winter musical, The Little Mermaid. Featuring, but wasn’t limited to; Adagio Dazzle, Sonata Dusk, Aria Blaze, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Derpy Hooves, Flash Sentry, and of course, Sunset Shimmer. Who would play the role of Ariel. Which Twilight Sparkle, as the musical’s director.

- Should be “With”

Twilight shot a glare in his direction. “That aside, if it’s going to be enough of a problem to where you don’t want the role.”

- There should be an ellipses after “role”

“No!” Sunset said quickly. The last thing she wanted to do was let her friend down after auditioning and being told she was perfect for the role. “I’m good. Apart from the whole, make someone fall in love with you in a short time without your voice or lose your soul, I like everything else about this chick. Don’t know why, but this Ariel really speaks to me.” And she meant that in more than how she herself was a unicorn turned human.

- This part should have dashes in between each phrase to make the words sound more rushed (ex. magical-horse-that-can-fly-and-shoot-lasers)
- The last bolded part doesn’t make any sense. A good way to rephrase it is to say “more in how” or “by how”

“You mean being strong headed, especially when competitive, and,” Aria started to say, before Rainbow Dash kicked her knee.

- The “and” needs a dash (—) afterwards

When no one objected, and even started to rise from their seats, Twilight whispered to Sunset, “Hey, what maters isn’t who you were, but who you are. And right now, you’re one of the best friends a girl could ask for.”

- “Maters” is missing a “t”

Sunset smiled softly, feeling with a flutter in her heart to those words. “I know, Twi. But what can you do when you’re forever trying to reform from your past actions?”

- Take out “with”

Sunset shook her head in bemusement , then sat back into her chair. Opting instead to spend her break time reading ahead in the script to see what happened next....

- A period would be more fitting here than the ellipses

10699287
Sweet :)
I’ll insert your suggested edits later and send you the next chapter to be released DM shortly after

10699366

The “Her” at the beginning doesn’t make any sense for a description sentence. What would be better is if you said “She had...”

It’s me trying to make it sound less like exposition

awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter:pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

Thanks for crediting me! Can’t wait for the next chapters :twilightsmile:

Chapter 3 Notes from the Pre-readers!

Proud to say notes from the pre-readers are back!

Um...” Rainbow Dash started, almost forgetting for a second why she wanted Sunset’s help to begin with.
Twilight let out a grunt of pain.
Oh right! The set piece they were working on, and the fact they wouldn’t be able to hold it for much longer as even Rainbow Dash’s arms were wearing out...
Ex Mare: How did Rainbow Forget about the plywood if she was yelling about it the whole time?
Me: meant to be comedic

”Sure. Sure thing!” Sunset exclaimed, springing to her feet and rushing over to help. “I’m always more than willing to help!” She smiled, but frowned upon picking up the drill. “Unlike what some people would say,” she said between screws. “I’m very compassionate, smart, caring...

ExplosionMare: Is Sunset referring to how she feels about Twilight or is this something else entirely? It’s not clear as to what emotion she’s conveying here or what she’s talking about.
Me: she’s talking about her friends while the subject of her parents are on her mind. Basically; “of course I’ll my my ‘friends’ who like a respect me, unlike my parents!” Kind of thing.
ExplosionMar: oh okay! Now that you’ve edited it, that makes a lot more sense.

”Just leave me alone, *dam 🦫 it!”

Explosion: The emojis are fine in the line breaks, but they aren’t good in the actual dialogues
Me: Oops! Type-O ^^’ >.> XD
Explosion: XD

🦫 🪵 🦫 🪵

Sunset tried to *scoot backwards,

Explosion: Since they’re underwater, saying “move back” or “swim back” would make more sense since there is no ground for them to scoot on.

“And he tripped, underwater! I mean, who dose that?! This script is very unrealistic.” *burns it*
🔥

However, she was held back by the whirlpool the witch had trapped them in,

Explosion: Sunset was trapped, or the hands were?

a sudden desire to do what she was told. Which would hopefully be the last time she had to listen to anyone ever again

Explosion: There should be a transition first suggested somehow that Adagio commanded Sunset to sing.

maddening tone as the room changed from a swirling vortex of *green to a *yellow.

I think it would be really interesting here if you have the colors a bit of ‘meaning.’ By that I mean, describe how the color makes the room feel. Dose the yellow make things warm? Sickly? Those are just examples.
Me: OH! I like that! I like that a lot!! 🤩

‘Why, why, why?!’ Sunset thought to herself, her mind becoming hazy. ‘Stupid, stupid, stupid girl! Huh, guess Celestia was right. Pride was my downfall….

Explosion: This would sound better if this was written after the dialogue, as in have it be a part of a description sentence instead of Sunset’s thoughts. She’s in a state of panic, so she most likely wouldn’t be able to think in thoughtful sentences like this, especially with the lack of oxygen.
Me: how’s this? Still want it to end as such cause it feels right.
Changed to: Why, why, why?! Stupid, stupid girl! Sunset thought to herself, her mind becoming hazy.
Guess Celestia was right. Pride was my downfall….
Explosion: sounds good!

That all for today. Let me know if you’d like to be a pre-reader!

awesome chapter mate keep it up can't wait for the next chapter:pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

Love the artwork!!

Also, in the credits, you put my name down as “ExplosiveMare” by accident instead of “ExplosionMare”. :twistnerd:

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🤯
Men, unless we get another pre-read with a bang, I’ll just leave it here and work on it next time ^^’ 💜

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Thank you for taking the time to comment and say that!! ❤️ 😭 🤗

awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter :pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

Chapter 4 Notes from the Pre-readers!

Ugh!” Sunset said in *mock disgust. “You are evil! Pure evil, Sparky!

Explosion: I feel like her disgust should be genuine here, because otherwise she wouldn’t be complaining.
Me: it’s meant to be comedic
Explosion: oh, ok! Sorry, got confused there.

It was super effective! :3

But we’re ordering pineapple.” Twilight said with a grin *in an attempt to hide her *nervousness.

Explosive: You said this twice. Here, she dosnt sound nervous to me. she sounds more confident/knowing here when she mentions the pizza topping.

One moment she was drowning, the next her head was veering towards a rock. *She presumably had floated from the oceans depths to here.

Explosion: Would there be some sort of object that would allow Sunset to float since she has no sidekicks in this story? You don’t have to add anything, but it would be a nice detail.

Didn’t like this as it asks too many questions, so simply deleted it.

I am going to get through to you one way or another, Sunset Shimmer,” Tears formed in her eyes

Explosion: I think it would make more sense to say that her eyes began to look sad since you can’t really see tears in the oceans. 😢 😭
Me: you know, I was conflicted on this! In one of my other stories I have an entire plot element where mermaids can’t cry. Although I think I’ll simply make Celestia angry instead.

Overall thoughts;

Explosion: Dose the chapter end here, or are you working on more? It feels extremely short to me.

And this is how the grotto destruction scene in this story came to be.
That’s it for this round, if you’d be interested in becoming a proof reader, send me a dm. See you next time 👍

awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter:pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter:pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

10773435
Thanks 😊
Even if you’re the only one commenting 😣 I’ll do my best to keep them coming 🌟

This is a very nice story. I appreciate how you interweave the two stories together.

Although if I didn’t know better, I’d swear this is some combination of Greek, Mesopotamian and… Syrian? Despite how geologically spectated those societies were.

Interestingly, those three regions are relatively close to each other. Syria and Mesopotamia both lie within the fertile crescent, and Syria and Greece are connected by the Mediterranean Sea. In fact, the Greek alphabet is actually derived from Phoenician letters. The Phoenicians were a group of maritime city-states who lived along the east coast of the Mediterranean in places like Syria, along the time of ancient and classical Greece.

Keep up the good work. I'm excited for the next chapter.

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Ah! This is why research is key!! Could of sworn Syrian is in Asia, but yeah >.>
And thanks ❤️

Notes from the pre-readers chapter 6
A bit behind and forgot to do these before changes, but here ya go!

“Aren’t you supposed to still be feeling bad for planning my birthday party during a hurricane?”

This sounds a bit rude of Explosion: Twilight to say unless Shining truly knew about the hurricane beforehand.
Me: eh, yeah. Kind of was the idea. Hope it translates well later.


“You’d think she lived in the ocean her whole life. *Thankfully, I was able to spruce her up nicely!”

Spotty8ee: seems a bit uppitty a thing for Cadence’s personality. Maybe something more like, ‘Thankfully it wasn’t hard to fine a pretty face under all that sand,’ or something.


I agreed, and changed it to what it is now.


Then, out of the blue, his sister found some girl on the *beach who looked like this mystery girl and, hell, decided to help her?


Explosive: Is Sunset’s appearance relevant to this description? If it is, there should be at least one more sentence that provided that, whether is about Twilights perception of Sunset or someone else’s.

Second day date notes from the pre-readers
Also, thanks to Explosion for suggesting I get rid of self harm tags


‘Sunset,’ Twilight though. Not thinking about how beautiful the name was! Rather how they had found that out.


I think it would be better if Sunset’s name wasn’t discovered until the mention of the charades. That way, it would be a surprise.




Gah!” Twilight cried, hand to her head as her mind started to drift towards when *Shining and Cadence found them asleep curled up together on the study floor with a copy of the ugly duckling in their laps.


Probably unnecessary to say they were in the book fort again.




Not as if my very soul or being ‘*I told you so’ is on the line or anything.’


This dosnt make a lot of sense. I think saying something along the lines of ‘spiting Celestia or proving her wrong would sound better.




Meanwhile, the duo pulled out of the castle courtyard, then onto the road, Sunset staring at the green pastures and fields, the people, and even got a bit too curious on how the contraption they were riding in work without water to push against.


This could be separated into 2 sentences.


using human contraptions, and all kinds of buildings that emitted smells that made Sunset’s mouth drool.


What are the buildings supposed to smell like, or are they bakeries/perfume shops/ect.




Sunset grinned, took Twilight’s hand, and lead her to the ground, where the *two girls soon threw themselves into a laughter fit.


How would Sunset be able to laugh without working vocal cords? She might be able to exhale funny as if she was laughing, but she probably isn’t capable of full on laughter.

awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter:pinkiehappy::twilightsmile: im sorry to hear you lost your irl sister:raritydespair:

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No, the sister was an online fandom one, but much appreciated, thanks 🫂

I’m sorry for your loss :fluttercry:

awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter happy bday mate my birthday is on the 13th of may as well:pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

Happy Birthday and Happy Star Wars Day!
I’m working on the grammar editing right now

10801694
Good girl! 👍
*gives you cake*
🎂

10801316
Thanks 🙏
You honestly keep me from going crazy when I post these 😓
Although feel free to be more detailed about what you loved about each chapter too :pinkiecrazy: helps a lot :pinkiecrazy:

10801729
*noms cake cause I just finished the editing*

I genuinely keep reading it as 'Sunset Shimmer discovers feet' and then remember it's not M :trixieshiftleft:

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:twilightsmile:
I mean, I don’t blame you :3
But stick to the end and you may not be disappointed :pinkiehappy:

awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter im glad sunset clam her down that the life of musicals:pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

Not gonna lie, when Pinkie slapped Twilight with the fish I couldn't stop laughing for a good couple of minutes.

I'm a little surprised there isn't a Dazzlings tag. Why isn't there one?

10806015
... I should probably add one ^^’

I really like the story be I was just wondering could you possibly tell the whole story including the events that happened up to the point this story is at?!:twilightsmile:

And so the fish slap returns. Princess Twilight bringing Sunset's parents is honestly kinda a b***h move. If Sunset doesn't want to see her parents, she shouldn't have to see them.

Having read the original Hans Christian Anderson version of TLM and seen the anime before Disney got their grubby hands on it, it always annoyed me that they "Disney-villained" the sea-witch. Ah well.

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