Lukas was an average human, he went to school, he had friends and hobbies. He has had some really crazy stuff happen in his life, but this event clearly takes the cake. After getting involved in an accident, he ends up in a magical and very peculiar place, the land of Equestria. At first, the citizens of Ponyville are terrified of the human, after all, they have never seen a creature like Lukas before, but after a few days, they start to warm up to the human and the same goes for Lukas. Follow Lukas as he tries to get used to this new world with his new and very colorful friends by his side.
Chapters (4)
Thank you for writing this! No matter what people say about this, it's always good to get things out. Keep writing too!
I'm no editor and grammar is usually not too important to me but I noticed a few things you might want to know.
This sentence in particular felt like it had been written but not read through. You used Hallway twice when it didn't need it, made a little more confusing by the mixture of singular and plural. A fair few sentences in the beginning were awkward like this. I'm guessing you weren't comfortable setting up the story? For a better read, you may want to speak some of those beginning sentences out-loud and try to rephrase them to something that feels a little more natural. And while longer sentences aren't bad, if you can get the concept across in fewer words the reader will probably thank you.
I liked your dialogue! I've always disliked making the switch between narration queues and actual dialogue but you managed it very well. You put in a good amount of variation wit different verbs but I wouldn't worry too much about avoiding 'said', though.
One thing I noticed is that sometimes all of your characters seemed to talk in the same way. This was most noticeable with Pinkie Pie, she has a fairly unique way of talking and I'm not sure how well that was portrayed. This is not easy to nail, i'm rarely impressed with author's versions of Pinkie Pie. I guess listen to some of her show dialogue and try to match that somehow in your writing.
Also, people tend to not be very formal when they speak. People don't speak in full sentences and will abbreviate and contract words whenever they can. You do this a bit already but it might help to read through and see if any of the other dialogue could be improved. Saying things outloud always helps.
Cool start to a awesome story, can’t wait for the next chapter :D
But, isn't Lucas spelt with a c?
I am as yet looking for some appropriate arrangement My Balance Now.
Good story, please continue
This is actually a nice Read :)