• Member Since 1st May, 2020
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

EccentricBucksFan


I go to school, I like to write, and I'm a basketball fan. I stress over Bucks games. Hmm, I think that's it....did I mention I also like to read?

T

Philip Booker has always dreamed of being in the NBA. Ever since he started college he had been working on his game, hoping to make it to the draft. When draft day rolls around, Philip is invited. This was the moment he was waiting for.

But after the draft, Philip finds a pony on his way home. He expects the situation to go away quickly, but a bond begins to form, filling the hole in his life with a friend that he never realized he needed.

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 14 )

Damn dude that was a great chapter! Probably my favorite so far.

10572461
Thanks man! It was pretty difficult to make, I appreciate the support!

Maybe OKC gets hit with injuries and he has to step up?

Alright, you asked for a eview, so here it is. I'll be brutally honest, but hopefully not harsh.

I'm nervous as hell.

This is it. The championship game. We've made it all this way. But if we lose this game, it'll all be for nothing. I quickly pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. I can't believe this is happening.

This is an excellent beginning. It throws us right in the middle of the action--I love in media res openings--and instantly hooks the readers with the stress and tension of the coming game. It also clearly conveys that basketball is going to be a big part of this story.

However, a very big however, the few following paragraphs where you take a step back and dump a lot of information on the readers by mere exposition completely kill off he intrigue that you managed to create previously. Remember that using an info dump is always a bad idea, unless you're writing a trollfic or another kind of parody story. Most of the information can be omitted as it goes without saying, is irrelevant to the story, or can be conveyed at a later spot in the story where it's more convenient and doesn't mess up the flow and pace. Be aware that doing this in the beginning will result in you losing a majority of your potential readers. Regardless of how cool the following story is, pretty much nobody will stick around to read it if the opening doesn't work well.

Furthermore:

"Yo Philip, you ready?" said Johnny. (His actual name is Jonathan, but most people call him Jonathan. The coach calls him Isaac. He's kinda the best player on the team, in my opinion.)

Unless there's some epistolary narrative (e.g. letters, journals, and such), parentheses are best to be avoided in stories. The brackets unnecessarily break up the text and are rather ugly to look at. They can be easily replaced with a comma or an em dash (or double hyphen, if you prefer). Also, the last two sentences of are redundant, and this one makes no sense: "His actual name is Jonathan, but most people call him Jonathan." Seems like something's missing there.

Continuing from there, the chapter is mostly fine, until this spot comes up:

For the entire first half and most of the second half, the game was close. We couldn't get a lead, but neither could the other team, the Gonzaga Bulldogs. They won the title last year, so none of us expected this to be easy.

When you prepare your audience for something intense, you also have to deliver it. So, the two options that you have here are either showing the whole match, which might take a while and might kill some of the tension if it drags on too long, or you can just replace this spot with a line break and skip to the near end of the game where the pace picks up again. Doing a summary of what has happened mid-way in a scene is almost a sure way of destroying that moment's atmosphere.

From this moment on, the pace could be a bit slower as it borders on too fast even for a tense moment, but that's a rather small issue. The moment where the bad player misses could be a bit more spiced up and prolonged to really let the win sink in. Give the Seminoles some time to bask in the glory a bit, don't just fastforward to them going to sleep. The part with the NBA draft could also deserve some more spotlight as it's just quickly skimmed over as if it didn't really matter.

10585008
You're welcome. Let me know if you have any additional questions, or if I should elaborate on something.

This chapter was really well written, probably my favorite so far!

10587170
Aw thanks man, it was a job for sure. I appreciate the kind words, and if you know any other basketball fans on this site, suggest this story and maybe our group to them!

He got traded for Swaggy. That’s tough

10626149
I mean, when you think about it, Swaggy P is Swaggy P. We all want Swaggy P

Great chapter! Love the “We Believe” reference! These chapters never disappoint

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