chapter 1
Clones Abound
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
...III...
AN: A Commission written by GMBlackjack. I strongly recommend his work!
...
Twilight sparkle, unicorn and student to the Princess of the Sun, let out the most undignified and mad laugh she could manage, tossing her messed up mane to the side. "If I can't find a friendship problem…" She began to rub her purple hooves together, grin widening to inequine dimensions. "I'll make a friendship problem!"
However, as she opened up her chest to look at Smarty Pants, the small part of her that still retained some sanity told her that was a bad idea. Still, she almost went through with it. She would have likely turned the entire town of Ponyville into a chaotic mess had she not thought of an alternative.
"Wait! Better idea!" She took a book off her shelf and flipped through it. "I can't find a friendship problem in Ponyville. But, I can find a friendship problem somewhere else! I just need to shunt a teleport spell through the harmony nexus and punch a hole in the vis field and viola, I'll be taken right to a Friendship Problem!" She lifted the book into the air and blasted it with a beam of magic from her horn. The winds of magic bowed to her will, seeking what she asked for.
However, no unicorn worth their salt would have said magic was good at finding anything. Ask it to direct you to the sandwich and it might take you to a field where grain was growing, thinking that making bread from it would be a simple endeavor.
So, if ponies didn't want to blame Twilight for what happened next, they blamed magic for not really understanding exactly what she was asking.
The spell picked her up and teleported her inside a closet. The doors were a little tall from what she was used to, but she didn't really notice this. What she did notice was that the creatures on the other side of the slatted doors were not ponies. In fact, she wasn't entirely sure what kind of creature they were. Two arms and two legs with pink skin and brown hair that was localized to the top of their heads. If their voices were anything to go off of, they were male, but that was a shaky conclusion at best.
They were also strangely identical. One had a pine tree on his hat, but all the others had numbers on their hats ranging from "2" to some number in the double digits.
"Right," the one with the pine tree said, pulling out a massive list that was so long it rolled out onto the floor a few feet, a sight that made Twilight's jaw drop. A very respectable list…
"Here's the plan, Dipper clones," the main one continued. "We're going to make sure this date with Wendy works out perfectly. Phase 1: we need to get rid of Robbie. We're still working on the exact plan to get that done, but I think Seven's idea of stealing his bike is going to work the best."
"You got that right!" Seven said, bowing slightly while the others clapped.
"Now, Wendy's a little unpredictable, so we need a backup plan if she changes locations… And we're going to have to set the music up with distracting Soos… And… Oh right, item seventeen, we need conversation topics. We already have about five of them, but I think we could improve that to somewhere around the fifties."
"Keep in mind our time constraint!" Number Three said. "The party won't last all night, Stan'll make everyone go once they're not giving him enough money."
"Then we dangle money in front of him until we're done!"
"Wow, good one, Dipper Prime!"
The two Dippers tapped each other's heads, grinning.
From inside the closet, Twilight's grin widened. 'So… he wants a date to go well, does he? Not exactly a "friendship" problem, but I'll take it.' She burst out of the closet, putting on the smuggest grin she could manage. "Hello! It sounds like you could use some help."
"Augh!" all the Dippers shouted at once, scrambling away from her in fear.
"See, that? That scream? That'll get you nowhere with her. Especially because you were just screaming at a unicorn, c'mon."
Dipper Prime stood up first, looking at her with a frown. "So. Unicorn. Hmm. Very purple."
"I'm Twilight. Twilight Sparkle."
Dipper rolled his eyes.
Twilight pointed a hoof at him. "Don't you dare say a thing about my name, your name is Dipper."
"But… Just, come on, that's so girly."
"Lesson one! You want to win a girl's heart, prepare for the girly. I don't care how brash this 'Wendy' is, she's got some girly aspects." Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Unless you're afraid of those."
"N-no!" Several of the Dippers stammered at once.
Twilight broke out into a grin. "Good! Now, clearly, you need some insights into the feminine psychology to make your plan truly excellent. Your list is a… great start, but it's entirely from your perspective. We need to get the movements and motivations of everyone involved, create some multidimensional flow-charts… And we've got to do it quickly!" She teleported a scroll of paper to her and frowned. "I need to be able to write faster."
Dipper Six raised his hand. "We have a cloning photocopier. It's how we were made."
Twilight's eyes widened. "Yes. So much yes. Show it to me!"
"Hold on!" Two said. "Why are we just taking her on? She just showed up randomly! This was supposed to be a Dipper-only operation—we haven't even gotten Mabel in on this!"
"But Mabel would never want to make a list," Dipper Four pointed out. "She'd just do some silly thing, make noises, and tear the entire plan apart."
"Let's let her help," Dipper Prime said. "She is right—this plan is only from our perspective! But no system is one-dimensional, there's lots of angles to this!" He lifted his hand. "Get her to the copy machine!"
Less than two minutes later, there was a Twilight for every two Dippers. Already the list had changed from a scroll to a small book to a multi-dimensional holographic magic display that was editable in real time.
"Right, so, for this date…" Twilight touched the central node in the plan. "We need to take into account Wendy figuring out about this later."
"W-what!?" The Dippers stammered.
"Any deep relationship will eventually uncover any and all secrets," Twilight said. "…Or that's what Cadence tells me, anyway."
"Oh no… she can't ever find out about this…"
"On the contrary!" Twilight's Two and Three said in unison—their numbers written on the backs of their necks. "She might find it sweet that you were going to such lengths!"
"Obsession and thoroughness are desirable qualities," Twilight Seven said, tossing a ball between her hooves. "We just have to make sure we don't do anything too far. For instance, stealing Robbie's bike—questionable."
"But she doesn't want him to be distracted!" Dipper Six said. "Right now she wants him around, and that's the problem!"
"Then we just have to change her mind," Twilight Nine continued. "Our psych analysis on Robbie shows him to be a little angry, edgy, and prone to emotional outbursts. Get him to show his true colors, yell at one of the kids in the party—presto."
Twilight Three and Dipper Four brought up the map of all members of the party, plotting their likely movements. "Candy and Grenda are easy targets."
"We can bring Mabel in on that," Dipper Three said. "Give her some gummy candy, she'll have it on-hand to console them when Robbie's insults go through."
"Yes…" Twilight Prime rubbed her hooves together. "And we can capitalize on that outburst with Dipper Six. That's where you come in, remember the dance?"
"I have been doing almost nothing but dancing all night!" Dipper Six said, still tapping his feet left, right, forward, and back.
"Good. Now… here's the oversight aspect, we need to work with the lights…"
Near the back of the room, Dippers Eleven, Twelve, and Two were huddled, glancing over their shoulders with uncertainty.
"She's basically taken over the whole operation," Eleven said.
"We won't get Wendy like this, she will," Twelve added.
Two blinked. "No, that's not how it works. Still, she's still taking over. She's going to ruin it. Her lists are great and her mind is impressive, but she's still some unicorn. She doesn't know everyone here like we do."
"Plus, all that nonsense about Wendy having to find out later?" Eleven added.
"Yeah, crazy. But Dipper Prime is enamored with this plan. He's going along with everything she says."
"He's been brainwashed," Twelve said.
"Exactly."
"We need to take this back…"
"Are we talking about a Mutiny?" Twilight Thirteen asked.
The Dippers stared at her in shock.
"I think we do need a mutiny…" Thirteen tapped her hooves together nervously. "Twilight Prime has gotten so fixated she doesn't realize that this can't be considered a Friendship Problem! This is a romance problem! Celestia won't accept a letter on this!"
"Woah…" Eleven realized. "That's exactly right!"
"And you know what the best part is?" Thirteen said, grinning. "Engaging in mutiny will cause a Friendship Problem. And then she'll have something to write about."
"We need to Mutiny for their own good," Two said.
"Agreed," Thirteen said. "I'll whisper into the ears of the other Twilight's, get them to all think about doing it differently. You do the same with the Dippers."
"Wait, this is supposed to be a Dipper plan…"
"Or not! Either way, this entire thing is coming crashing down…"
Two nodded. "Fine."
"Right! Thanks, Two."
"I'm called Tyrone."
"…Why?"
"I—that's not important, let's just move!"
Precisely one hour, seventeen minutes, and nineteen seconds after the "mutiny plan" started, the Mystery Shack's upper floor exploded in a shower of purple light. Mad, laughing Twilight's and Dippers ran out, the unicorns shooting random spells from their horns and spreading into the town of Gravity Falls with a tremendously powerful stampede. The Dipper clones, while certainly less destructive than the unicorn counterparts, were no less destructive in their madness.
"We've got the plan!"
"No, we do!"
"We're Dippers!"
"You've got a Twilight behind you!"
"I'm a traitor!"
"This means war!"
Standing in front of the wreckage of the Mystery Shack were Twilight Prime and Dipper Prime, both sitting with their heads down. Mabel was standing in front of them, tapping her foot in disappointment.
"At… least it's not as bad as it could be?" Twilight suggested, smiling weakly.
"You two blew up the Mystery Shack!" Mabel shouted, throwing her arms wide. "I'm destructive, but I could never do that!"
"At least it was just the Mystery Shack?" Dipper suggested.
The Gravity Falls water tower collapsed in the distance. Sirens started blaring. A fire pops into existence...
"Oh no…"
"Oh no, really." Mabel shook her head. "For the love of my sweaters… how could you have let it get like this? It was just a date! I could have helped you!"
"Your unpredictability—" Twilight began.
"Is part of my charm!" Mabel twirled around and made a silly face. "I could have kept Robbie busy just by dancing! But no, you all had to make those silly lists of yours. News flash, lists are not attractive."
"I find lists attractive," Twilight said, raising a hoof.
Mabel facepalmed. "Of course you do… You're ruining my childhood here, Twilight! Unicorns are graceful, majestic, and… not list-obsessed."
"I think you'd like my friend Rarity then."
"I'll consider making unicorn friends AFTER we stop the town from being destroyed!" Mabel shouted, waving her hands. "Come on, we've got to be able to do something!"
"This will solve itself in about five minutes," Twilight said.
"Huh?" Dipper asked.
"The sun will set, I'll be tardy, and Princess Celestia will show up and take me back to Magic Kindergarten." She sagged even deeper. "I couldn't find a friendship problem. Everything is ruined."
Dipper smiled. "I'm sure she'll understand."
"She'll understand?" Mabel gawked. "You don't just fail to do things for a Princess, Dipper!"
"Thanks for the thought, though," Twilight said, flopping onto her back. "At least we got to make the list before it all fell apart. That was fun."
"Yeah… it was," Dipper said, pulling his knees to his chest. "I'm doomed too. Stan's no Princess, but hooo boy he's going to find a way to make me pay for the entire shack…"
"You're gonna get community service for eternity," Mabel said.
"Yep. I wonder if eternal street cleaning is better than magic kindergarten…"
"I'm sorry…" Twilight said. "That really is worse. …Though I might also be forced to do that in addition to going back to Magic Kindergarten! Augh! It never ends!"
"We're doomed!"
"Doomed!"
Dipper and Twilight fell into each other's embrace, bawling.
Mabel rolled her eyes. "Drama queens…"
It was at this point the sun set. Just as Twilight predicted, the majestic form of Celestia appeared right in front of them. She noted the trembling and bawling pair before her, the fires, and the mad insanity of clones running around doing destructive nonsense.
She sighed. "Perhaps I should have made the policy more clear…" She lit her horn, casting a time-freeze spell around the entire town. "I'm going to need Luna to help me clean this one up…"
The next day…
"So, she didn't send you off to magic kindergarten?" Dipper asked as he spiked a piece of debris with a metal stick the county had given him to clean up the mess.
"Nope," Twilight said, using her magic to pick up some broken planks of wood. "Turns out the penalty for being tardy was… uh… just a short conversation. The penalty for blowing up the town was much worse."
"All things considered, this isn't that bad." Dipper looked up to see a team of pegasi flying over head, moving large quantities of wood and bricks to help rebuild the town. "With the help of you horses, it's basically done already."
"Ponies."
"I refuse to call you ponies."
"You really need to get over your aversion to girly things." Twilight rolled her eyes. "It won't serve you in life."
"W-well… no, I guess not."
"I am sorry about the whole thing with Wendy," she said. "You might have had a shot if you just went with what you felt was best."
"I think we both know something would have gone wrong no matter what."
"Probably."
It was at this point Luna dropped down to where the two of them were, dropping Mabel off.
"Alicorn rides are the best!" Mabel shouted, running to her brother. "You should try it sometime!"
"Heh. Maybe…" He scratches his chin.
"It is time to go, Twilight," Luna said. "We've relocated the clones to a safe, secure place, the town can handle itself now, and you are needed back in Ponyville."
Twilight nodded. "Right. Guess it's time to go…" She turned to Dipper. "It was fun."
"Yeah, it was."
She paused for a moment. Then, quickly, before he could do anything, she gave him a quick kiss. The action floored him so hard he fell over on his back. Mabel could only respond with a dramatic gasp and hanging jaw.
Twilight blushed and chuckled. "See you around." She trotted up to Luna and the two started walking away.
"…You are aware he's twelve, right?" Luna asked.
"Oh, yes. But he needed that. Poor guy's worse with girls than I was with guys at his age, and I ignored them."
Luna frowned. "Hmm…" She murmured skeptically, but said nothing more...
Back at Mabel, Dipper slowly sat up. "Wh… what?"
"Bro bro! You just made out with a unicorn!"
"I did?"
"You did!"
"…I… what?"
"I'm so jealous! Hey, Twilight! Get back here!" She ran after them, only for Twilight and Luna to teleport away. "Nooooo! I need to smooch a unicorn!"
"…Do they even have male unicorns?"
"Yes, I saw them, but I don't care, any unicorn. I can't let you have this and not me! Augh!" She flopped onto her back.
Dipper had nothing left to say. With a soft smile and a shrug, he got back to cleaning the streets.
Somehow, he already found himself anticipating the strange things another day in Gravity Falls would bring.
From a lawn chair on a nearby hill, Stan popped the tab on a can and took a drink. "Geez, that kid… and I thought my love life was nuts." He rolled his eyes, continuing to observe Dipper as he did his work. "Good luck, you'll need it."
…III...
TO BE CONTINUED?
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Well that escalated quickly