Comments ( 80 )

This was w wild lore beginning I can't wait to see where this goes.

This was was a fun and interesting first real meeting between them..

Well I can understand that this was done with your sole entertainment in mind, so I won't go into a long and pointless diatribe about Gary Stews protagonist or spilling out all the backstory of your character in one long exposition. This said I did sort of enjoyed the epic tone of the writing despite despite being mostly about the guys pedigree. For the following chapter I didn't care for that most of what had been said in the last one was repeated of before . I hope this story writing was a positive experience for you, and I hope you keep on improving your writing pretty clean, it's just how you... structure your story that is the real issue.

Invictus looked around and noticed someone wasn’t among them. He then looked at Gloriosa and asked ‘Where’s Timber Spruce?’

Gloriosa frowned a bit, and said ‘He uh, got arrested a while back.’

‘Wait, what?’ said Invictus, clearly surprised ‘Why?’

‘He uh, kind of made a mistake of going into the girls’ locker room at the beach when he wanted to surprise Twilight, but clearly didn’t think that she wasn’t there that day and ended up being called a pervert by a handful of woman and then got arrested.’

I wonder how Sci-Twi reacted to that situation. That's probably why she took Sunset with her on the cruise.

Unknown to AJ, but to Invictus’ notice, her geode was glowing a bit, which surprised him. But he couldn’t put his finger on it. Although he was cut off when Applejack placed her finger on his chest.

Applejack’s pendant continued to glow brighter, as did Invictus’ entire body.

What could this mean?
is Invictus going to get a herd/harem?
Did he get her pregnant?

10655472
:trixieshiftright: OH don't worry, you'll find out at the end of the story. Trust me, it'll be worth the wait.

I thought it was against the website rules to type in lyrics from non-MLP songs in a story typed after 2013/14

Comment posted by Postwarmonkey50 deleted Apr 3rd, 2021

10805407
Nonsense. Anyone has the talent to write anything. I'm sure you can write something amazing too. Also, I'm glad you like it.

And with great strength, right as the cable snapped off, Invictus had tossed Rainbow Dash towards Twilight. Within moments, Rainbow landed safely as Twilight managed to catch him. But the two of them quickly looked back, and there they saw Invictus, looking at them, whilst she fell down to the abyss of the waterfall.

You switched the genders there.

10875652
I noticed that a few times through the fic, also more than once Invictus was suddenly renamed Amadeus.

10876141
Sorry about that, I tend to write so many of my projects I tend to get them mixed up with other characters.

I think this story would work great if it was about Twilight being sent to the human world to deal with a friendship problem, rather than a shipping/harem story. But, that's just my opinion.

When you make the next chapter

10877009
What did you think of what happened between invictus and rainbow dash

10877107
Sorry it took so long to ask, but which part was the angriest and which was the saddest.

10880907
The past of invictus was angry and the other is the sacrifice of invictus was sadness

10881167
Yeah, figured I'd add a little drama to it. How that kind of friendship fell apart. But don't worry, in the next chapter it'll be fixed.

Once I'm done with it of course.

10927519
Yeah, felt like some things need to be said what they need to be said

‘Oh, she’s doing great.’ said Sunset ‘She finally graduated from being my student after she and her friends accomplished a lot of great things there. And uh…I needed a break.’

Sunset?

‘How are you!!’ shouted past Rainbow.

"dare"

10961665
Dang it!! Well... Thanks for pointing it out.

10557812
Fun story so far however your using the wrong colon for chatting. It’s “ for when someone is taking while ‘ is when your quoting something. If I ain’t mistaken. I know for a fact “ is for characters speaking just not entirely sure I’m correct on the uses of this one ‘

10974968
Yeah, my bad, it's my first time writing something like this.

You reminded me of that amazing movie with that song. It’s been YEARS since I’ve seen brother bear saw it wanna say when I was…8 or so an I’m 20 now. Over a decade since I’ve seen it. Thanks for reminding me of such a great movie.

10974977
Tis alright that was just a tid bit of info I remember from English class even though I barely passed it Xd just go through with word or something to find an replace those however should put () around your current quotes removing the “ from it then update the ‘ to “ then replace the () with the correct punctuation.

‘It’s called “Just to get up and Dance with you”.’ said Invictus.

I'd love to actually listen to this song but since you didn't add it as a link it's basically impossible to find mate cause google only does popular songs by celebrities when it comes to trying to find this specific song. Youtube is useless as well in that regard. Its either Walk the moon or Afrika Bambaataa. T_T

10975695
Yeah, sorry about that. You'll end up laughing but uh...I don't know how.

10975733
Never fully went through an posted a story myself on here so don’t really know either but perhaps ya can put the link in a AN at the end?

10975733
Wait I actually do have a couple of stories I started to write an have uploaded but not submitted to on here cause it’s painful to see the pacing an what not on there Xd an found it. So if ya go to your stories an edit story there is a button there that has what looks like a chain link click that then you put the link an your link text.

10975745
Alright, I think I got it. And thanks for the help. Really appreciate it.

10976260
Do you think you can teach me how to do the same for YouTube clips. Like the link that takes you to what they want to see, that I can do the same for YouTube videos any of my chapters.

:twilightblush:if you don't mind that is.

10977049
Next to the link button is a button that says embed that should be what your looking for.

10977150
OMG thank you so much. I don't wanna sound weird, but I love you. You've definitely helped me in ways that I couldn't imagine.

To the author - hi!👋 i came across your fic while looking at another story.
love invictus' & his parents backstory (while i was a little bit confused until explained to princess twilight in ch.2 that he came from alternate equestria) usually don't read oc x twilight sparkle stories but yours stands out & intrigued me:pinkiehappy:

p.s: i shall read more later as i'm really fixated on moving to my new laptop & cleaning out this 'old' one which is going to be a super agonizing process😵😅

message written out on September 22nd, 2021

Login or register to comment