A Rocky Battle

A group of large, angry, rock creatures come out of nowhere and attack Ponyville. Twilight and her friends must find a way to stop them before they destroy the town, albeit with a bit of a whole new skill from Twilight and Starlight.

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Comments ( 12 )

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anarchywolf18

anarchywolf18 #1 · Dec 8th, 2020 · 1 · ·

It was a short good story.

Heroic412227

Heroic412227 #2 · Dec 8th, 2020 · 1 · 1 ·

10572117
Thanks.

Huk

Huk #3 · Dec 10th, 2020 · 1 · ·

OK, you asked for a comment, so here you go...

To me, the story felt flat - the tension of a fight was simply not there, nor was any humor or something that would let us feel the characters' pain and struggle. It felt more like reading a movie script:

1. Rainbow Dash did this, and it ended in pain
2. Applejack did that, and it ended in pain
etc.

I suck at writing combat scenes myself, but a few (general) suggestions that come to mind:

1. Use some metaphors, similes, and stuff that lets the reader visualize the characters' pain better. Don't overuse simple verbs to pass emotions. To be clear, there is nothing wrong with "shouted," "yelled," and so on, but look here:

"Rainbow Dash! Wait!" Twilight shouted. - that's 100% fine, 'shouted' is neutral, and it fits perfectly here.
[...]
"Ow!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. - IMHO, after the initial shout, you need to get more creative. Not only "exclaimed" is redundant (we know it because of the exclamation mark), but it doesn't pass RD's emotions to the reader. Why did she 'exclaimed'? Was she in pain? Excited? Pissed off? Of course, you gave the context beforehand, so we are informed it was pain, but the word 'exclaim' alone, doesn't really let the reader feel that pain.
[...]
Fluttershy gasped and fluttered over to help her battered friend. "Rainbow Dash! Are you alright?!" - same here, we know why Fluttershy gasped, but that word alone is a very poor emotion conductor in this scene.

2. Listen (with text-to-speech) and re-listen to the story multiple times and try to figure out if it flows well. Don't be afraid to switch the character entirely and show others reacting to the character's misfortunes.

To give some - VERY CRUDE - example on how I would try to write it myself:

They ran outside, only to see three rock creatures stomping their way through Ponyville. They were roaring and screaming like some mad wild beast during a rampage.
"W-Who in Equestria are those creatures?" Fluttershy asked, quivering in fear.
"I don't know, but we're not gonna let them get away with this!"
"Rainbow Dash! Wait!" Twilight shouted, but it was too late.
Rainbow Dash was already zooming towards the creatures. With her hind hoof extended and pointy, and a beaming grin on her face, she was a spear of steel, ready to punch through the heart of the monster. But when she had reached her target, it all went to hell in a handbasket.
"Ow!" Rainbow Dash yelled, grabbing her throbbing hoof, suddenly remembering that rock always wins with steel. "Ugh... That was a bad idea--" The creature swatted her away then, splattering her onto a large tree.
"Rainbow Dash!" With her eyes wide from fear, Fluttershy fluttered over towards the pegasus and shook her. "Are you alright?!" But the only answer was a groan of pain.
The rock creatures let out even louder roars than before, charging after the group with their fists riled up.
"Watch out!" Twilight yelled, teleporting everyone away.
The group materialized some distance away, to see the creatures lunging their mighty fist down where they were before. The strike was powerful enough to shake the ground and send some dust flying, creating a few large craters into the ground.

Again, this is a VERY crude version (and I suck at battles myself ), but you have:

Narration with better visualizations thanks to similes and metaphors.
Some perspective jumping to show Twilight's and Fluttershy's reactions to what is happening to RD. Their emotional responses help to raise the stakes (I think).
All in all, a bit better flow.

If you haven't read it yet, I recommend getting yourself a few books from Janice Hardy's Skill Builders Series:

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/2868311.Janice_Hardy

Especially these two: