Too Many Similes
“You messed with the wrong people, jester!” Toph slammed her foot into the ground—and nothing happened. “Wait, wh—”
Dimentio was already behind her. He zapped her in the back with a magic bolt, prompting her to fall over. “What kind of fool would I be to make a dimension with earth in it?”
Toph whirled around in an attempt to punch him, but he just teleported behind her effortlessly. “So angry, like a crab stuck in a current! Ah ha ha ha ha!”
Twilight encased his legs in a magic aura, dragging him to the ground. “She’s not alone.”
Data pulled out his phaser, firing a narrow beam of orange. Dimentio teleported out of the way just in time. “Such underhanded tactics, attacking me all at once! Let’s fix that… with magic!” With a burst of blue and yellow energy, there were suddenly three of him. All of them spoke in unison. “En garde!”
Twilight chose one, Data chose another. They fired their respective lasers, only for both to pass through the Dimentios unharmed.
“Which is the real one?” Dimentio asked, teleporting all three of his bodies to different areas. They unleashed attacks. One hit Toph in the stomach just as she was standing back up, knocking the wind out of her yet again. Twilight dodged hers, but the third attack hit Data, tossing him back and disarming him.
“It appears that the attacks are not illusions,” Data observed, standing up.
“But only one of us is real!” Dimentio laughed, creating six of himself. “Play the game, pick and choose, round and round we go!”
Twilight spread her wings, unleashing a burst of air that pushed everyone to the edges of the cube. “I’ll just hit everything at once!” Six spheres of energy appeared around her horn, rotating like the barrel of a gun. In quick succession, they transformed into bolts of lightning and struck a different Dimentio, the fifth one turning out to be the real one. He fell back—right into the punch of Data, which drove him into the ground next to Toph.
Toph grabbed the mask that was his face. “I… hate… you in particular.” She tried to rip the mask off—but it didn’t move, as if it were fused to him. “What gives?”
“You think you could unmask me? You’re so sad it’s delightfully entertaining.” Dimentio teleported upward, zapping Toph again. “Stay down this time, hmm? There’s only so much beating your body can take, you know. That’s why you need to eat healthy, exercise regularly, and above all never make Dimentio zap you more times than necessa—”
Twilight cast explosion behind him. Instinctually, he teleported away before the burst of heat could do any real damage, but Twilight appeared right in front of him and blasted him in the face with her laser. Shocked, he flew into the wall, managing to teleport himself afterward to the opposite side of the room. Unfortunately for him, Twilight had predicted that and had already shot a series of lightning bolt spells right at that location, dropping him to the ground again. She didn’t relent—swapping into a series of lasers shot from both her horn and directions slightly offset, just to keep it randomized.
“You… are determined…” Dimentio threw his arms wide, surrounding Twilight in a cloudly-white box. “But naive.” He snapped his fingers and the interior of the box lit on fire. Twilight let out a shout of surprise, raising a bubble shield around herself just before her hair caught fire.
“How are you so resilient?” Dimentio asked, almost bored sounding. “My attacks are two-hundred and fifty-si—”
Data punched him, sending him flying into the cloudy box. It shattered, freeing Twilight and ending the fire spell. Returning to his full height, Data adjusted his wrist. “It appears that we are two-hundred and fifty-six times stronger as well.”
“Ah ha ha…” Dimentio chuckled. “But of course…”
Twilight had had enough of him. She pushed as much energy as she could into a massive beam spell. He held up a hand, catching the attack with a shimmering sphere of his own magic. While he was occupied with Twilight, Data jumped him, tackling him to the ground.
“Enough of these party tricks.” Dimentio teleported into the air, hovering above them all. With a chuckle, he teleported Cosmo up to him, hand firmly gripping her neck. “Nobody move, or I will do with her head what a chef does to a coconut.”
Twilight and Data froze.
“A truly hopeless situation,” Dimentio cackled. “Oh, I do wonder how the prophecy is going to get you out of this one. Let’s test it, shall we?” He summoned a magical blade on the tip of his finger and pointed it at Cosmo’s neck. “If one falls, all the words are falsified…”
Cosmo lifted one of her hands. In it was the phaser Data had dropped at the start of the fight.
“Oh,” Dimentio said, his tone more disappointed than surprised.
Cosmo fired. The phaser hit Dimentio square in the head, scrambling his control over the situation. The green box sub-dimension fell apart before them, crumbling into pieces. In its place, the Enterprise’s briefing room took shape.
Dimentio smacked into one of the windows at high velocity, thankfully unable to break the space-rated glass. He slid down, slumping onto the ground. “Ah…”
Picard, Eggman, Tails, and Troi were still there.
“I told you they could do it,” Eggman said with a grin. “Their kind are far too tenacious to be taken out by some wandering jester.”
“You speak big, but your girth is bigger,” Dimentio said, shakily standing up.
Cosmo pointed the phaser at him again. “Don’t think I won’t!”
“Curious. It should have been more than enough to stun him,” Data observed.
“You have bested me,” Dimentio admitted. “You truly are formidable. We will meet again, I promise it. Ciao!”
Cosmo fired again, but it was no use—he was already gone, all she did was burn the nearby carpet. “I-I’m sorry, I let him get away…”
“I’m not sure we could have stopped him from escaping,” Data said. “His abilities appear to be dimensional in nature. Unless we found a way to keep him perpetually sedated, he may have been able to slip away with just a thought.”
“You defeated him,” Twilight said with a reassuring smile. “You should be proud of that.”
“I… I did, didn’t I?” A trembling grin crawled up Cosmo’s face. “I beat him!”
Tails cheered for her while Twilight pulled her into a hug.
Toph groaned. “I think… I’m gonna feel this in the morning…”
“Oh, Toph!” Twilight rushed to her. “Are you okay?”
“Just… fine…” Toph muttered. “My back is killing me and I think I see pink elephant-cats.”
“Get her to sick b—” Picard stopped himself. “Actually, get her to Flipside.”
Twilight nodded, levitating Toph onto her back and teleporting herself out of the briefing room.
“I envy her,” Picard said. “Able to transport whenever and however she wants.”
“She can’t in all universes...” Tippi pointed out.
“Still.” Picard folded his arms. “It means it’s possible in this one.” He shook his head. “Everyone is dismissed. I have a request to make of the Romulan Star Empire. Try to get some rest, hopefully we’ll be on our way to the Pure Heart soon.”
Everyone filed out of the room, save for the Captain himself and Counselor Troi. “Captain?”
“Yes?”
“You seem concerned.”
Picard folded his hands into each other, frown deepening. “I’m not sure what I am. I just saw Q get mocked. Should I feel satisfied, or horrified?”
Troi nodded slowly. “A mixture of both would be appropriate.”
Picard tilted his head back and did nothing more than breathe for a few seconds. “I truly hope that jester’s show was nothing more than a bunch of tricks, and not indicative of the actual power of our enemy.” Gesturing to Troi, both of them left the briefing room together.
~~~
Captain’s Log, Stardate 47931.8
After the visit from Dimentio yesterday, the crew has been shaken. While previously we had only heard of a faceless enemy hiding behind a dark Void, we now know they can strike us directly should they wish, and take delight in doing so. Furthermore, their ability to impede the Q Continuum is concerning, despite the fact that we never expected help from them in the first place.
Toph has made a full recovery after just one night in Flipside, a remarkable proof of the city’s ability. If this is replicable, Starfleet Medical will be pushed decades, perhaps centuries ahead of its current level.
The official Starfleet report on the situation with Flipside has been sent to all the nations currently with a presence at the Void. Responses have been, overall, mixed, with almost everyone demanding access to the door to Flipside. Requests are processing now, but the Pure Heart remains our priority. Unfortunately, the Romulans have so far been silent concerning our request to enter their territory. If they take too much longer, we may have to push them.
~~~
Now that they were just waiting for a response from the Romulan Star Empire, Twilight and her team weren’t actively doing anything, so Data had taken the opportunity to entertain them with a proper tour of the Enterprise. They’d started with an extended visit to Ten Forward, then looped to Engineering, and then the holodecks. They spent a lot of time playing with the artificial environments within. The last step of their tour, however, was the bridge itself. They’d run through it a few times before, but now Data was explaining what everything was in detail.
“I usually sit here, at operations,” he said, gesturing to the leftmost forward seat. “I analyze sensors and make quick adjustments to the ship’s internal systems. Opposite me is the helm, which controls the direction and heading.” Turning around, he gestured at the three seats in the center of the room. “Of course, the central seat is the captain’s chair. To his right, the first officer, and to his left, the special advisor’s seat. Usually filled by Counselor Troi, by Picard’s request.”
“Is there a second officer?” Cosmo asked.
“Technically, that would be me,” Data said. “Though Operations is not always the second officer position. On the original Enterprise, the chief engineer was the second officer.”
“The original?”
“This is the Enterprise-D, the fifth Starfleet service vessel to bear the name, though there were several other craft before that.”
“A complex history…” Tippi noted.
“Especially for one that apparently didn’t exist a month ago,” Picard mused, arriving on the bridge from the turbolift. “How’s your tour going?”
Twilight bowed to him. “Excellent, thank you ca—”
“Incoming message from the Romulan Star Empire,” Worf said from his position behind the captain’s chair that Data hadn’t gotten to explain yet. “Priority.”
“I think I know what they want to talk about… Twilight, your people stand next to Worf. Data, take your station.” Picard waited for everyone to take the right spot before striding to the center of the bridge, hands behind his back. “Open the channel.”
A humanoid alien appeared on the screen, one with pointed ears and exaggerated eyebrows that matched the angular nature of his dark uniform. “This is Admiral Vomin of the Romulan Star Empire.”
“Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Federation starship Enterprise.” The two briefly nodded to each other. “Am I correct in assuming this is about our little proposal?”
“Indeed it is. You have been accepted—provisionally.”
“What are your terms?”
“You are to send the self-proclaimed ‘heroes of prophecy’ to us on the warbird Lyrix. We will carry them into our territory to search for the Pure Heart.”
“This is acceptable,” Picard agreed. “However, you should be aware that they recently acquired a member of my crew among their number, in line with their apparent habit of recruiting individuals from each world they come across.”
The Admiral clearly did not like this news, but he made no comment on it. “One Starfleet officer is acceptable. The Lyrix will rendezvous within the hour. Be ready.” The channel was cut.
Twilight swallowed hard. “They’re going to be a lot less friendly, aren’t they?”
Data nodded. “Romulans are not known for their amicability. They are, however, rather intelligent and do not seek to strain political relations at this time. I suspect we will be treated well.”
“Data,” Picard said. “I’m ordering you to keep an eye on everyone.” He glanced at Toph out of the corner of his eye. “No one knows what you’ll find there, and who knows if the Romulans will play nice once things go south. Be careful.”
“Yes, Captain.”
“Now, for the rest of you,” he turned to Twilight and her group. “We’re depending on you. There’s not much we can do from here, finding this artifact is entirely in your hands. As much as I would love to join you, I have other responsibilities.”
“We won’t let you down.” Twilight saluted with her wing.
“Good. And Data, do take good notes, I want to hear all about the archeological discoveries you make.”
“I will record them as you would, sir,” Data promised.
“Good. Now let’s get all of this sor—”
“The Void is changing!” Worf called from his position.
“Growing?” Picard asked.
“No, it is simply becoming more active. ...We are picking up ships coming out of it!”
“On screen.”
In the clouds of the void, many dark shapes were appearing. Slowly, but surely, sharp, angular spaceships emerged from the clouds. What started as only a handful quickly became dozens of ships, all moving in formation out of the Void and directly toward the Enterprise.
“The Metarex…” Cosmo gasped, holding her hands to her mouth.
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Ohh... Is that what they were for
So, hitboxes but no hurtboxes. Dimentio really is a filthy cheater, isn't he?
Wait, that's a mask? I thought it was just his face...
Oh. Right. That. Well then, I guess the show goes on. Story isn't over yet, folks! Also, like... for real, this is one of my favorite jokes in the original game. It's just... I can't even put it into words.
Damn, dude, if that's what you think a party trick is, well... I want to see what kind of parties you go to, for one thing.
"Jackpot."/"Checkmate." (Select applicable)
Toph you're blind how do you know what pink OR elephant-cats look like
Oh man, if this is Starfleet saying that, then you know it's good shit. Federation medical tech is already bullshit and basically magic anyway, and even they think this effect is amazing.
Either I'm dumb, or this is some kind of Season 7 spoiler. Might even be both.
Why doesn't Worf have a chair, anyway? Or like... a stool, or something. I dunno, seems unfair the guys at the back have to stand all the time.
Well then... This poses a problem. Let's see how the Enterprise and crew deal with the most threating thing in space: Anime spaceship battles. Let's hope they can buy the Heroes some time, at least... Ah, who am I kidding. The Enterprise has more plot armor than most anime spaceships could ever dream of having. They'll... I dunno, bounce the graviton particle field off the main deflector dish or something. That's the way they do things there; making shit up as they wish.
Knowing him, she'd just unleash his Persona, Yog-Sothoth.
Yeah, pre-Mending planeswalkers are nigh-impossible to contain. And the things you have to do to contain one are... unpleasant.
Phaser to the brain is actually a good start.
And every transporter operator on the Enterprise felt vaguely insulted.
Really, Jean-Luc? How many times have you been beamed somewhere? Sure, there are a few restrictions, but come on.
Only from an extraversal perspective. Just because centuries passed for you and not other worlds doesn't make your history any less valid.
Hmm. Between the Metarex and the Romulans, there are a lot of potential ways for this to go wrong. Let's see how it goes.
10734997
That's why she thinks she's seeing them.
Sure, the Klingons and the Romulans pose no threat to them, but what about the fleet of Outside Context Problems?
10734997
did....did you just make a ref to that star trek drinking song? has it been updated since star trek picard and lower decks came out?
10735016
Dammit, I refrained on the Persona joke! (Dimentio would totally be channeling Nyarlathotep, though. At least until the two double-cross each other. Or maybe he'd just have another Loki, but that feels too generic for him.)
Implying that a fleet of interdimensional spaceships flying out of a universe eating void makes the Top 10 list for "Weird context-less shit the Enterprise has run into". At least the Metarex are a physical target that can be shot.
10735090
Yaeh, they are a robotic army that subjugate a entire galaxy and destroy stellar empires that were in power by millennia. Sure they are a physical target but the Enterprise will barely manage to escape this one.
Still the only motive the Enterprise would manage to relatively survive it would be because the Metarex are in a unknown universe and need information before they start the campaign of extermination. Lo and behold a native starship right on they doorstep with answers for them.
I guess on one hand, it's actually a good thing the first universe they invaded was one that already had the technological advancement to wage an interplanetary war. Borg cube hit and run.
10735077
Nice reference.
Did he just call Eggman fat?
10735479
They've fought those before.