After settling my tab with the bartender and re-holstering my pistol, I went to join Twilight and her group. I'd police my brass, but .22lr casings are a bitch and a half to find. Knowing my luck, the shells probably fell in between the floorboards.
I got a good look at Twilight's companions, and something about them didn't feel quite right. Appearance wise, there was nothing out of the ordinary about them, relatively speaking anyways. They were still pastel-colored ponies, and that was pretty weird to me.
The red unicorn was definitely the muscle of the operation. He was big, but not a bodybuilder by any stretch of the imagination, and yet at the same time I could tell that he was no stranger to the weight room. He was more quarterback than linebacker. Like every adult pony I'd seen so far, this one also had a mark on his flank. A pair of crossed sabers behind a kite shield in his case. Note to self: ask about the purpose of everyone's flank markings.
The blue pegasus, on the other hand, had a slim figure. The looks a few stallions threw her way told me that she was considered very attractive by pony standards. Honestly, I'd have to agree. Something about her just exuded sex appeal. It didn't help that her eyes were an enchanting shade of emerald green. She was giving me some very disturbing thoughts that I tried desperately to beat into submission. We're not even the same species, damnit!
Luckily, the stallion provided a distraction. "Excellent work with that diamond dog."
"Yeah, well, this aint the first time someone tried to knife me in a bar." Again, Kalamazoo was rearing its ugly head. "I'm just surprised I'm not in trouble with the law."
"It's Land's End," Twilight explained. "This kind of thing happens all the time here. Besides, Equestrian law provides clear provisions on the use of deadly force in the act of defending oneself or others, although it is strongly frowned upon. You'll have to answer a few questions over at the Sheriff's office later"
"That's... surprisingly lenient," I replied.
"Well, that mutt has been harassing anything that moves, though he hadn't tried to kill anypony until just now," the pegasus mare interjected. "Name's Wisp, by the way."
"I'm Wasp," added the stallion. "You've already met our friend Twilight." The mare in question snorted in annoyance. From what I could tell, she didn't particularly like her companions, even though she had to work with them.
"James Clark," I said, introducing myself for the first time as I sat next to Twilight.
"Strange name," Wasp commented. I wanted to comment on how strange I found their names, but really, from their perspective their names were probably commonplace. "So, you're the Mercenary my mother hired? I must say that I'm impressed so far."
I felt my eyebrow twitch, and fought the urge to violently berate the stallion. These three ponies were my only real contact in this strange place, and it'd do me no good to drive them away. They must have noticed my agitation, as they stared at me worriedly. I took a deep breath before replying.
"For the record, I'm a Private Military Contractor, not a Mercenary."
"What's the difference?" asked Wisp dismissively.
Alright, I was trying to be polite, but it seems they needed a lesson. "A Mercenary is a two-bit thug who takes orders from the highest bidder without regard to the consequences. They usually have no marketable skills, severe mental instability, and a brain the size of a walnut.
"As for me, I'm not a 'soldier for hire'. My line of work usually entails consultation, with a little security work on the side. When I'm not telling an oil firm how to best protect their wells in the Middle East, I'm usually escorting some fat-cat CEO or spoiled celebrity from one place to another."
"Sounds like you're arguing over semantics to me," Twilight commented dryly.
"Yeah, well, my boss once told me that it was the difference between an escort and a whore." That joke had mixed results. Twilight just sputtered, completely at a loss for words, while Wasp glared at me for some reason. I thought the stallion of the group would appreciate the dirty joke.
Oh no, it was Wisp that was giggling like a schoolgirl (school-filly?), although she tried (and failed) to cover it up. Ah well, I was trying to lighten the mood a bit, and it seems that I succeeded. Hell, I could see the hint of a smirk on Wasp's face. It's amazing how expressive their faces are. "So, I don't have too many details on this job. Care to fill in the blanks?"
"Not here," said Twilight, her voice just above a whisper. "We have suites at the hotel next door. I'll answer your questions there."
"Fair enough," I said as I got out of my seat. "Lead the way."
As I stepped outside the bar, I finally realized something. There is no way in hell I'd ever be able to go anywhere discreetly. No matter where I went, I drew stares from everyone around. The only reason I didn't notice it earlier was probably because I was still getting used to the sentient pastel ponies.
Bystanders continued staring at me during the short walk to the four-story building next door. As we entered through the double-doors, however, we were greeted with an empty lobby, save for the receptionist behind the counter.
The lobby was surprisingly opulent for this one horse town. Ok, so there were at least a couple hundred ponies, but the point still stands. Luxurious blue curtains were hung from the windows, blocking most of the light and heat of the noonday sun. The crown molding was made from purpleheart and carved in intricate patterns. The floor appeared to be made of black onyx.
In the center of the lobby was a large, marble statue of what appeared to be a winged unicorn, wearing an obsidian crown and chestpiece, each inlaid with a crescent moon made from a metal that seemed to glow in the dim light.
"Damn!" I commented. Whoever that statue depicted must've been pretty damn important.
"That's Princess Luna," said Twilight, who apparently had freaky mind-reading powers. "She rules Equestria alongside her sister, Princess Celestia. She also raises the moon, while Princes Celestia raises the sun."
Ok, time out. I'm willing to accept a lot of things. Things like sentient ponies, griffons, and freaky bug-horses that kidnap me from my own reality for a job. But this? "Bullshit." Yeah, she wasn't expecting that reaction.
"I'm sorry, what was that?" she sputtered.
"You heard me. There is no way that I am going to accept that two god-like beings both control the movement of the celestial bodies, AND rule an entire nation on top of that. What's next? You gonna tell me that they're a thousand years old?"
"A little over two thousand, actually," Twilight replied matter-of-factly. "Also, for the record, none of the three Princesses enjoy being referred to as 'gods'."
Hold on a second, that sounded important. "Wait, I thought you said there were only two Princesses."
"No, I never said that. There are three Princesses, but only Celestia and Luna have any real power," Twilight informed me. "There's also my sister-in-law Cadence, but she's not in the direct line of succession, and we're getting off topic."
"You're right, but we can discuss it later." I did not want to get into a debate on how the world worked. Partially because I thought that a magical pony Princess controlling the movement of a star patently ridiculous. Mostly because, as ridiculous as this place has been, I had a feeling that I was gonna lose. Besides, I found the fact that Twilight was related to royalty to be more relevant to my situation.
She appeared to want to continue the debate, but stopped herself. "You're right, it's not important and we're wasting time. Let's just get upstairs." With that, little miss smartypants stomped off. This debate was far from over. Still, there would be plenty of time for that later. Still, why did such a small town have such an elaborate statue of their Princess?
Wasp and Wisp followed Twilight, while I brought up the rear. The only thing I knew right now was that this was an escort job, and some mutt had tried to knife me. Sure, it could've been a random mugging, but I wasn't gonna take any chances.
Then again, most assassins weren't that sloppy.
When we reached the elevator, we didn't have to wait long. Hell, it seemed to be waiting for us. It was a tight fit, but we managed to fit all four of us in. although both Wisp and Wasp seemed to shrink a little bit. Twilight's horn glowed a violet color and the button for the fourth floor was pressed.
This telekinetic ability fascinated me. I had only seen unicorns do it so far, and I had a strong suspicion that only they could. Otherwise, Bronze Star would've levitated the diamond dog out instead of dragging it out with his mouth. I doubt that tasted even remotely decent.
On that note, if only unicorns could perform telekinesis, what could the other ponies do? Obviously, pegasi can fly, but what about the regular ponies? Did they have something that distinguished them from the rest?
I was shaken out of my thoughts when the elevator stopped. The doors opened to an extravagant hallway that was painted a midnight blue and trimmed in silver. "Ok, how can this hotel afford this? I mean, that statue alone must've cost an arm and a leg!"
"Don't let the size of the town fool you, Land's End is a major trading hub, since it's on the border between Equestria, Zebraria, and the Griffon Kingdoms," said Twilight as she led us down the hallway. "There isn't enough water to support a large permanent population, but during caravan season the town swells in numbers. The statue, however, is a different story. Last year, a mining firm was trying to buy up the town and was using some dirty tricks to get their way. The town tried to fight it in court, but Princess Celestia's schedule was swamped. So, they took it to Princess Luna."
"I see." Apparently, their Princesses got involved in the day to day dealings of the populace. Do they look at every court case, or are they just the Supreme court here? "What happened next?" Twilight began to chuckle darkly.
"Princess Luna tore that company apart, piece by piece. Not only did she rule in favor of Land's End, but she also went back and looked at the company's other business dealings, and found that they had done this before. They were forced to pay reparations to the towns that they had wronged, and went bankrupt soon after, only to be scooped up by other mining corporations."
Damn, I was not expecting that. Cut throat corporate practices just seemed out of place in this sugar bowl of a world. Still, at least the government looks after the little guy to an extent. I was expecting the worst when I heard that this place was ruled by a monarchy. "Alright, stop me if I'm wrong here. After the Princess saved the town, the hotel commissioned a statue in her honor?"
"Correct!" exclaimed Twilight as she stopped in front of a door. "The hotel's owner even redecorated the entire building in her honor, and he also permanently reserved a suite for the Princess' personal use. She is currently lending it to Wisp."
"Why?"
"That'll be explained as soon as we're inside," Wasp interjected as his horn glowed a sickly, pale green color. The door swung open, and the stallion led Wisp inside, followed closely by Twilight. As I stepped into the suite, I was once again floored by the grandeur of this hotel. They obviously spared no expense, but then again, this was the Princess' personal suite.
Darkness was definitely the theme for this room. The floor was covered with a midnight-blue wool carpet, while the walls were painted a lighter shade of blue. At the far end of the room was a large, four-poster bed, which had a frame that appeared to be made out of pure silver, and large. Did I mention that already? It was larger than a California King sized bed. The sheets were navy blue, and the pillows were as white as a cloud. It looked like the most comfortable bed I would ever see, and it took all my professionalism to not jump in and take a nap.
There were no windows, save for a single, massive skylight that encompassed the entire ceiling, letting in a lot of light, but strangely no heat. The ice veins potion kept me cool, but I could still tell that it was hot as blazes outside. That skylight should've made this room a greenhouse, and yet it felt like a nice seventy-six Fahrenheit. I was going to question how that was possible, but decided to chalk it up to magic. They had magic here, right? It would certainly explain the telekinesis.
The door slammed closed, shaking me from my thoughts. I took my hat off and placed it on a nearby hat rack, depositing my backpack next to the rack as I did so. "So," I addressed my clients, "what couldn't be said back at the bar?"
"It's about Wisp and Wasp," replied Twilight, rubbing her forelegs together nervously. It's amazing how human their body language is. "You see, Princess Celestia believes that we should keep their true nature a secret for now."
My eyebrow rose curiously. "What about them?" I cast a sidelong glance at the two. Wasp stood proud, while Wisp seemed to be casting bedroom eyes in my direction. Is she... trying to flirt with me? Before I could get an answer, they both were consumed in familiar green flames. Great, more bug-horses.
Wasp's new form was even bigger and bulkier. He now stood just below my chin, and was built like a draft horse. Black chitinous plates seemed to bulge from the amount of muscle they were containing. His horn was now slightly curved and extremely sharp along one edge, almost like a samurai's katana. His blue mane remained, but appeared tattered.
Wisp, on the other hand, grew a head taller than her brother, allowing me to look her in the eye without stooping down. She looked even slimmer now, almost like a model if not for the chitinous plates. Her wings became insect-like, and a long, crooked horn jutted through her immaculate silver mane. She flashed a toothy smile, revealing two, vampire like fangs.
"They're changelings," Twilight commented flatly. I didn't hear her too clearly. I'd tuned her out as I reacted to Wisp and Wasp's transformations. My hand moved quickly, and drew Black Betty from her holster. Wasp's eyes widened as I took aim, pointing Betty at a point directly in between the two changelings. I had no intention of shooting them. Hell, I hadn't cocked the hammer yet and my finger was off the trigger, but I had a sense of satisfaction watching Wasp's face. He'd seen what my holdout could do to a diamond dog, and now he was imagining what the big iron in my hand could do to him.
"Alright, what do you know about the bitch that dragged me here?" It was high time I got some answers.
"That would be my mother," Wisp replied sweetly, not even showing a hint of fear. "Please put the weapon down, James."
Sighing, I withdrew Betty and re-holstered her. At least now I knew why I had a funny feeling about them earlier. "So, what's the deal? Can't walk around in the open like that?"
"Something like that," answered Wisp, whose voice had taken on an almost music-like quality to it. "Two months ago, my aunt Chrysalis, the Queen at the time, launched an invasion of Canterlot. Our people were starving, and Chrysalis believed that Canterlot held the solution to our problem. The invasion was repelled, but in a way, Chrysalis was proven right. Our food shortage problem was partially solved."
"How?"
"Heavy casualties," she replied acidly. "The invasion force was almost completely wiped out, buying us a few more months, maybe a year if we're lucky. My mother, having taken power from aunt Chrysalis, has decided to try diplomacy. We've been meeting with Twilight Sparkle for the past couple of weeks to hammer out a tentative peace deal."
"I see..." Something wasn't adding up here. You don't invade a nation's Capitol for a food source, that was a conquest strategy. Were they lying to me? Did Chrysalis lie to the Changelings? "If your people were starving, why not ask the Equestrian government for help?"
"Well..." She was definitely hiding something from me, but I needed to know. I could tell that, deep down, she knew that as well. "We... haven't really been welcomed with open hooves, even before the invasion. Mainly due to misconceptions about our feeding habits."
"... Feeding habits?" I asked, tilting my head to the side.
"They're parasites," growled Twilight.
Ok, I wasn't expecting that, and it nearly floored me. Sapient parasites? How was that even remotely possible? "Seriously? What do they feed on, blood?"
"Positive emotions," Wisp interjected. "Joy, elation, love, contentment, and a range of others."
Ladies and gentlemen, it was official. I was creeped the fuck out! I was in the same room as sentient, emotion draining parasites! My hand started to slowly reach for Black Betty again. Wisp must've seen the movement, as she rolled her eyes gave off an exasperated sigh.
"See, this is what I meant. Ponies hear that we feed off of emotions and immediately freak out, imagining us to be a race of soul-sucking vampires!" As frustrated as she sounded, I got the feeling that Wisp had gone through this particular rant at least once before, most likely with Twilight. "Could you at least let me lay down a few facts on the table before jumping to conclusions?"
Yup, I felt like a jackass. I was ready to blow both their brains out in an act of panic. That really hit me in my professional pride. I relaxed, and moved my hand away from my holster. "Start talking."
"Alright." Wisp closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. It was kinda amazing how flexible these quadrupeds were. "It's a bit of a misunderstanding to say that we 'feed' off of emotions. Rather, when a sentient being; pony, griffon, diamond dog, whatever, expresses any emotion, they give off a powerful magical energy that us changelings need to survive. Without a changeling present, the energy just dissipates into the aether. In essence, our feeding habits do NOT harm those we feed on."
Ok, that didn't seem too bad. I mean, if the energy was gonna go to waste anyways, it might as well be used. It also confirmed my magic theory. But, my sceptical side wasn't so sure. "You have any proof of that?"
"Look no further than Twilight," Wasp interjected. "I've been feeding off of her since we met, and she-"
"YOU WHAT!" Have you ever seen a pissed off unicorn? Of course you haven't. Let me tell you, watching Twilight lose her cool was both adorable and pants-shittingly terrifying at the same time. Her mane and tail literally burst into flames! "I- You- Why- AARGH!" In a flash of light, Twilight was gone.
"Ok, what was that?" I asked Wasp.
"I think she teleported to her room. She does that some-"
"That's not what I meant, jackass." I started channeling my old Marine Corp drill instructor. "Why would you go and do that without permission? I had the impression that you two were here to set an example, and you went and fucked it up!"
"But, I-"
"No excuses!" God, I hadn't had a chance to actually shout at a client for doing something stupid in a long time. It felt good. "I want you to go and apologize to that poor girl, right the fuck now!" Without missing a beat, Wasp transformed back into a unicorn and made a mad dash for the door. I doubt the poor fucker even stopped to think about it. I can be pretty scary when I want.
When the door slammed shut, I sighed and rubbed my forehead. This job hadn't really started yet, and it was already giving me a headache.
"Would you like some water?" asked Wisp. I nodded, and she walked through a side door, probably to a bathroom of some sort.
Feeling like I'd stood up long enough, I walked over to the foot of the bed, and sat down. God, it was comfortable. I was tempted to just lay down, but knew I wouldn't be getting up any time soon if I did. It didn't help that I was suddenly feeling severely exhausted. The fact that I was no longer anywhere near home was starting to dawn on me, and I did not like the implications. I'd just been too distracted up until now to really focus. But, I had a job to do. I'd have to try and not completely freak out until after it's over.
Wisp chose that moment to trot back into the room, levitating a glass of water in front of her and smiling sweetly at me. Once again I had the distinct feeling that she was trying to seduce me for some reason. Knowing their feeding habits shed some light on her possible motive, but it still creeped me out.
"Thanks," I said, taking the proffered glass. As I took a sip, I felt the bed shift beneath me. Wisp had climbed up and was laying down to my left.
"I can't believe my idiot brother did that!" she said, clearly annoyed.
"Shit happens." Truthfully, I completely understood why Wasp did what he did. Guy's gotta eat after all. Still, he should've at least asked permission. It would've been the right thing to do, after all. But then again, he probably wasn't used to asking permission to eat. That brought up an interesting question. "So, how do you feed? Just stand around and absorb emotions?"
Wisp giggled behind her holey hoof. "Some changelings do, but that is incredibly inefficient. Every one of us has their own individual style. Some go into a pony town and build up interpersonal relationships. Others would foalnap and replace a pony that was already in a relationship and feed off the love meant for another, although my mother has been trying to stamp that practice out."
"What about you?" I asked, taking another sip.
"Casual sex."
I sputtered mid-sip, dripping water everywhere while she giggled at my expense. "Oh grow up. It's easy, fun for everypony involved, and really fills me up."
"Not helping!" I suspect that double entendre was unintentional, but I wasn't completely sure.
Wisp simply rolled her eyes at me. "You are such a prude."
I pounded my chest a couple times and coughed. After a few moments, I was back in control, and more than willing to change the subject. "So, how are we supposed to get to Canterlot?"
"Well, we were going to hop on the first train to Appleloosa tomorrow," she replied. "Once there, we'll transfer to one going to Canterlot. Mother suggested that we avoid drawing any unwanted attention to us."
I groaned, smacking my had with my palm. "And she hired me to escort you? What the hell was she thinking?"
"What do you mean, James?"
"Have you not seen how much the locals have been staring at me?" I asked. "I'm ruining any chance of sneaking around just by being here."
Wisp looked at me, eyes wide in shock. She obviously had not thought about that. Moments later, however, I could see the lightbulb in her head light up as she smiled. "I was wondering why she told me to pack that!"
That? What the hell? Before I could ask, Wisp hopped off the bed and rushed over to a chest of drawers. She opened the top drawer, and pulled out an amulet. She trotted back over to me, looking smug the whole way. The amulet was made out of a silvery-white metal, with a single green gemstone in the center. "What is that?"
"It's platinum. The gem is alexandrite," she replied. "What you're about to see is probably the most advanced bit of changeling magic ever!" As she said that, her horn began glowing a bright green, and soon rivalled the sun in intensity. She reared back, and struck the amulet with her horn, resulting in a blinding flash of light as horn and metal made contact. God, I hope no one comes to investigate.
Moments later, I open my eyes and see that the amulet... hadn't changed at all. It was till levitating in front of Wisp, who was smiling wide.
"Alright, put this on," she said, floating the platinum jewellery over to me. I grabbed it reluctantly, and gave her a puzzled look. Wisp only grinned and nodded. Taking that as encouragement, I slid the amulet over my head, and...
Noting happened. "Ok, what the hell? Nothing happened!" She just giggled. She'd been doing that a lot today.
"Of course not, silly. You have to activate it before it'll work its magic." she explained. "I enchanted it with a transformation spell. Tap it twice, and it'll transform you into a unicorn for two hours."
Ok, I'll admit, if this worked, I'd be impressed. It'd solve the main problem pretty cleanly. But I had a few questions first. "So, what's the downside?"
"Well," she dithered, "it perfectly transforms the body, but the mind's a little trickier. The amulet will grant you the basic instincts of a pony, but it'll take a while before you can make use of them. I suspect that walking will be your biggest challenge, seeing as you'd essentially grow an extra pair of legs." Ok, that was a big downside. "It should only take you a few hours though. You'll have plenty of time to get the hang of it. Magic, however, will take longer, so I wouldn't advise trying." She was definitely proud of herself now. "So, go ahead, give it a tap."
I was about to do just that, before I thought of something. "What about my clothes?"
She sighed impatiently. "Your clothes will be fine. Anything you wear, save for very powerful magical objects, will be caught in the transformation spell and will conform to your new body. Trust me, I've done this before. Now, if there are no more questions, I'd like to see how your new form will look."
Well, here goes nothing. I tapped the amulet twice, and was consumed by emerald-green fire. It felt... well, not painful, just plain weird. Less than a moment later, the flames died down and I belly flopped onto the ground. Looking out from where I landed, I saw... hooves. Steel grey hooves stuck out of the arms of my leather duster. I turned my head, and saw that my outfit had indeed transformed with me. It didn't even feel uncomfortable, which was amazing in itself. A blonde tail was sticking out of my backside.
I tried to stand up, but lost my balance halfway. Wisp laughed at my expense, but that only drove me to try again. I managed to stand up on all four hooves this time, though I was shaking like a chihuahua in winter the whole way up. It took a few minutes, but I managed to steady myself. I tried taking a step, and nearly face-planted onto the floor. Apparently, I wasn't ready to try walking just yet.
A large mirror hovered in from the bathroom, and was placed in front of me, allowing myself to get a good look at my new body. My coat was steel grey, while my mane was a platinum blonde. My eyes, however, were the same blue as they were before, and freakishly large like the other ponies I'd seen.
Height wise, I was about the same size as Wisp, give or take an inch. My horn,was long, and looked like its point was sharp enough to penetrate steel. All in all, I thought I looked pretty good.
"Alright, now, take off your pants."
Wait, what?
Boy, that escalated quickly.
Some of you may notice the new romance tag. Be advised, shipping is not planned, but there will be some flirting going on. Mostly from Wisp. The new tag is a "just in case" measure.
See`s second chapter:
You just had to update this right before I had to leave, didn't you?
Now I have to wait six hours....
Um. Dat ending. Presumably she's checking his cutie mark, but still.
HE NEEDS A ADULT!AND I NEED ANOTHER CHAPTER NOAW.
1298822
I am okay with this.
I died at the casual sex part.
She's a fast worker Already got his pants off.
Great chapter with some very nice moments especially the casual sex line.
Now get back to work on Halo
Good work, a few errors but nothing serious. I like the variation of feeding habits for changelings, too. Keep it up, my good man/woman/thing.
...Okay, considering that and the fact that her feeding habits consist of "Casual sex"...
Yea, she plans to feed off him real quick.
Either that or she plans to take a look at his cutie mark. Either way, this situation just got akward.
About time i've been waiting for this for awhile. Kinda hopped that he would stay human (hard to use a gun without any fingers lol) but i see the reason he had to be turned. Though he can turn back so that may solve some probs.
Wonder what his cutie mark will be.
Also twilight Xenophobe much? Its not like u lose anything so i seriously dont see what the problem is. (Except when they kidnap and replace someone... or somepony i guess.)
1298822
BRACE FOR LOLZ
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Hurrah update, and a very nice one as well!
I have a sneaking suspicion that Wasp and Twilight will cloooooser over time. Don't know why, exactly, just a feeling.
Also, not a few hours in Equestria and something's already trying to rape James. Poor guy.
Yay update!
And nearly 5k words
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Please, just look at his cutie mark...
I don't like where this is going.
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeedz M0AR!!!!1!!!!1!
1298885 Wisp: I am an adult! Now take those pants off and show me the goods!
I'm wondering if he might say "excuse me?"
Y'know, given the way these Changelings work, one wonders how the heck they ever got that unsavory reputation. I mean, if you live in/around Equestria, why the heck would you ever need to do something silly like that whole switcheroo thing? You just move in next door to the happy couple and enjoy the vibes.
Sure, the whole shapeshifting thing could be disconcerting, and I guess there's the possibility that the Changelings' natural form hits the ponies' uncanny valley to partially explain things.
On the other hand, there's still the question of how the Changelings feed in their own country; there was an ominous mention that their food stocks would last longer now that Chrysalis's army is dead, although that could be more a matter of rationing than expending, although that seems odd given the timescale mentioned. Possibly a facet of a once-more expanding Changeling population, though.
PMC vs. Mercenary: Sounds like a case of 'at least I'm not them.' Which has infinite gradations.
1298868 That's my best guess... but from what I heard before...
Nah, that's just paranoia kicking in. So, update rate goal?
1298885 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png HAI MISTER CLAAAARRRRKKKK~! HEEHEEHEEE~!
That last line! Horny changelings are never a good thing.
lol add mature tag!!!
1298925 Seconded.
I can see Wisp will be having all kinds of fun at James' expense, and that's not even talking about anything involving physical contact. Hmm, methinks the "oopsie" with Wisp was staged - no, I know it was. Shameless not-so-little minx. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Queen_Chrysalis.png
I wonder how Twilight will react to all this. Oh, yeah...
...Wait what?
"Casual sex" (spit take) oh come on, just as I was taking a drink\
"Now take off you pants" (spit take) why am I always drinking water when these lines pop up
Ah, that was amusing. Casual sex, screwing with Twilight, Luna being awesome, and totally failing with human clothing norms. Good stuff.
Bow chicka bow wow
My reaction when I saw that this was updated... fc07.deviantart.net/fs35/f/2008/310/8/3/THE_BEST_GIF_EVER_by_dn4ever.gif
He's supposed to be on an escort and guard type mission correct?
I keep expecting sections of text dedicated to thoughts on how defensible the room is when protecting his client.
Hell, when I heard about the fact there were no windows except for the skylight, I was thinking how many problems that kind of design would cause.
Example:
While great for keeping snipers from getting a bead on the client, it makes for a piss poor lookout.
Windows, structurally weak. Place one on the roof and it makes for a good smash and bomb drop. (Targets are undetected until they smash the glass in some way and drop an explosive right on top of the client.)
And with only one exit (the door as you never told us if the skylight opens), in the case of fire, it's a veritable deathtrap.
Just feeling a little nitpicky at the moment. Pay me no mind if you don't want to.
"Just look at twilight, I've been feeding off her since we met"
good chapter, now i need HALO! ...if that's okay with you
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"What about you?" I asked, taking another sip.
"Casual sex."
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"Alright, now, take off your pants."
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TIME FOR A SONG!
Lock eyes from across the room
Down my drink while the rhythms boom
Take your hand and skip the names
No need here for the silly games
Make our way through the smoke and crowd
The club is the sky and I'm on your cloud
Move in close as the lasers fly
Our bodies touch and the angels cry
Leave this place, go back to yours
Our lips first touch outside your doors
A whole night what we've got in store
Whisper in my ear that you want some more
And I jizz in my pants
This really never happens, you can take my word
I won't apologize, that's just absurd
Mainly your fault for the way that you dance
And now I jizz in my pants
Don't tell your friends or I'll say you're a slut
Plus it's your fault, you were rubbing my butt
I'm very sensitive, some would say that's a plus
Now I'll go home and change
I need a few things from the grocery
Do things alone now mostly
Left me heart-broken, not lookin' for love
Surprised in my eyes when I looked above
The checkout counter and I saw a face
My heart stood still, so did time and space
Never thought that I could feel real again
But the look in her eyes said, "I need a friend"
She turned to me, that's when she said it
Looked me dead in the face asked, "Cash or Credit?"
And I jizzed in my pants
It's perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me
But we're going to need a clean-up on Aisle 3
And now I'm posed in an awkward stance
Because I jizzed in my pants
To be fair you were flirting a lot
Plus the way you bag cans got me bothered and hot
Please stop acting like you're not impressed
One more thing, I'm gonna pay by check
Last week I saw a film
As I recall it was a horror film
Walked outside into the rain
Checked my phone and saw you rang
And I jizzed in my pants
Speeding down the street when the red lights flash
Need to get away, need to make a dash
A song comes on that reminds me of you
And I jizz in my pants
The next day my alarm goes off
And I jizz in my pants
Open my window and a breeze rolls in
And I jizz in my pants
When Bruce Willis was dead at the end of Sixth Sense
I jizzed in my pants
I just ate a grape
And I jizzed in my pants
I went to the, jizzed in my pants
(Okay, seriously you guys, can we? Okay?)
I jizz right in my pants every time you're next to me
And when we're holding hands it's like having sex to me
You say I'm premature, I just call it ecstasy
I wear a rubber at all times, it's a necessity
'Cause I jizz in my pants
(I jizz, yes, I jizz in my pants)
(Yes, I jizz in my pants, yes, I jizz in my pants)
Yes, I jizz in my pants
(I jizz, yes, I jizz in my pants)
I also happened to be drinking water while reading Whisp's line.
I now need to clean my computer.
Casually just.
"Alright, now take off your pants"
My reaction: ++=
"But i had a few questions first. "So, what's the downside?""
Minor error, fix the I.
Great chapter.
1299770
Got it.
1299124
Yeah no. I've seen many fics get away with a lot worse with only a teen rating (Beating the Heat comes to mind).
"Well," she dithered, "it only transforms the body, not the mind, so you'd have to essentially learn to walk again." Ok, that was a big downside. "It should only take you a few hours though. You'll have plenty of time to get the hang of it. Magic, however, will take longer, so I wouldn't advise trying."
OK, bit of advice here for every single writer reading this. The bolded part is impossible. The human mind simply cannot relearn how to walk once they reach adulthood without months and even years of intense physical therapy. That's just relearning how to walk on two legs. Considering the physical differences between ponies and humans any adult human transformed into a pony would never walk again, never mind all of a pony's other abilities. This is due to the human brain simply not having the neural plasticity to learn absurdly complicated things like walking once they reach maturity.
In short: anyone that believes turning into a pony will solve all your problems, especially when those problems were caused by a incompetent monarch, should be slapped across the face for being an idiot.
So he is a huge ass unicorn? That won't stand out as much I guess. ...Getting pants on and off would be a pain.
1298895
Oddly, neither am I. My readings have changed my opinion of things!!!
See dosen't miss a beat dose she
HOW THE FK DID I NOT NOTICE THIS?!?
Great chapterdl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rainbow_Dash_lolface.png
1299830
Thou raiseth a most excellent point, and it hath since been changed.
1299842
I blame rap music.
1299944
Actually, it could be solved by just making it so that ponies don't notice him that much since they have so many other species moving around and just assume that he's one they don't know. The human mind works very differently than any other creature, and attempting to staple on instincts that aren't there is a little like trying to add a video game to a F-35B's CPU when your only experience is with iPads, especially since humans are a virtual unknown to the MLP world. Attempting something like a transformation spell should be done only after years of physiological and psychological studies under the watch of highly trained medical personnel with at least a dozen safeguards in case anything goes wrong. I know that that isn't usually fun for fiction writers, but them's the breaks considering . . . actually, come to think of it, I'm not sure humans have any instincts at all for walking.
Also, alternate solution: holograms. For stealth it can be just as good as a transformation without all the messy biological side-effects. Also viable: invisibility. Patently obvious uses, but a not so obvious downside in that that part of the reason for a bodyguard is so they can scare off would-be attackers with the unstated threat of retaliation.
...I may or may not be worried about that last line. REAAALLLY doesn't help that she said she feeds through casual sex.