• Member Since 19th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen 25 minutes ago

redsopine


hiii just a heads up but anytime somone is kind enough to use my ocs has permission to use anytime (just no clop)

Sequels1

T

This story is a sequel to The Bonds of Love


a what if based around the ending parts of summer scrtipts bonds of love chapter 7 with permission to use a rant gallus has as the starting point

What if instead of telling Gallus in words just how much he is worth of the love and pride in himself ocellus shows him

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 45 )

And and all critics welcome I legit wrote this in 2 sittings last night and it got dark fast as I wrote from the heart and put myself in Gallus’es paws mentally wise for his actions and emotions to the situation

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I knew I was forgetting something commas will be added as soon as I have a editor look at it

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There's a lot that needs looking at. To name a few;

Proper nouns. Proper nouns have capital letters at the start, always. Ocellus and Gallus are both proper nouns, so need capital O and G respectively.

Spelling. Lots of spelling errors. I would recommend Grammerly to help catch them.

Apostrophes. When using apostrophes to denote ownership, you don't add an extra 's' if the word ends in 's'. Gallus' claws, not Gallus's claws (or Gallus'es claws).

Overly long sentences. My advice? Read the sentences out loud and put punctuation where you naturally pause.

Also, why is part of the story in a quote box? That bit would work better in italics.

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Just saw that parts not mine that’s the part I was given permission to use

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Wait what’s a overly long sentence I’ve got them spaced out

Also again will be edited this is first draft

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Furious and ashamed at himself Gallus lashes out at her unknowingly with a talon outstratched cutting Ocellus on the cheek drawing a faint droplet of blood and a cry of pain from Ocellus as she flees the room bleeding green blood faintly onto the carpet.

This entire paragraph is a single sentence. You've also suddenly switched from past to present tense.

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Huh ok that helps I tend to struggle with tense stuff

10513843
Wait how did I switch tenses that’s the same moment and how he is felling at that situation

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The rest of the story occurs in the past tense. A basic rule of writing is to stay in the same tense throughout, so thus that needs to be past tense too.

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Like what makes you think it’s passed tense to start that all happens in present tense with everything going downhill from a kiss and Gallus ranting it’s really recommended you read the 2 before this for context

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The kiss the argument his feelings everything is present tense

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“Enough,” she answered, wings drooping. “…I trusted you. Both of you! A-And you kissed—” Silverstream took a deep, calming breath. “Tell me. How long has this been going on for!?”

Everything up to and including the above paragraph is in the past tense. Took, said, glared, kissed, etc.

From the next paragraph, it abruptly shifts to the present tense;

Ocellus try’s to look Silverstream in the eyes but fails out of shame.

“And if you heard what he was saying before you would know why so don't be upset with him over my actions he loves y..."

"Don't you dare try to lie to me." Silverstream says in a furious tone anger replacing the sadness in her eyes.

Says, tries (spelt wrong), etc. Those are present tense words(I've never anybody call it the current tense). This is something children are taught very early on; you can't change tense partway through a story.

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She just caught them kissing how would you word it then when it just happened

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Keep it in the past tense. The story is about something that has happened.

But it just happened how can u keep it past tense for something that just happens beyond anything it’s a single piece of wording your nit picking the entire story about

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“It’s okay, Gallus. I’ll tell her myself it was my mistake that I made,” Ocellus offered, looking rather pained as she said it. “But in the moment, I couldn’t think of anything that would get though to you! You’re good enough for anyone…”

Ocellus carefully stood up and broke the hug, sniffling and wiping her eyes once again. She then turned to leave, only to see a teary-eyed Silverstream standing in the doorway.

“Uhh…?” Ocellus groaned, taking a frightened step back as Gallus practically petrified. “Silver!? I know this looks bad, but—” she started to say.

“Save it,” Silver sobbed weakly. “I heard what you said.”

“H-How much of w-what I said?”

“Enough,” she answered, wings drooping. “…I trusted you. Both of you! A-And you kissed—” Silverstream took a deep, calming breath. “Tell me. How long has this been going on for!?”

"Silver nothings been going on this is the first time anything has happend and it's my fault not Gallus'es I'm the one that kissed him.”

Like that’s not a passed tense conversation that’s a current tense with a single word in pass tense

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If it is depicting something that's happening now, put the story into the present.

https://medium.com/swlh/why-you-need-to-be-careful-about-shifts-in-tense-b4684815a4c6

Here's a useful guide.


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The entire story must stay in one tense barring the dialogue. It may seem like a nitpick, but readers will notice sudden and jarring changes in tense, and furthermore it makes your writing look messy.

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Ngl someone actually pointed out where I went wrong in the writers group lol sorry

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Hey, no worries. I could have been a bit clearer myself.

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Np so just asking but without the context of the first two fics related to this is Gallus mentality seem forced or jarring

“What do I care if he thinks I rocked that play!” Gallus continued on anyway. “What do I care if he thinks I’d make a good professor!? What do I care if he’s proud of me!? He isn’t, so I should just accept that, right!? I should just move on and accept that I’m just not good enough for

This needs to end this way below so that the reader knows his thought went unfinished.

I should just move on and accept that I'm just not good enough for---"

Ocellus try’s to look Silverstream in the eyes but fails out of shame.

“And if you heard what he was saying before you would know why so don't be upset with him over my actions he loves y..."

"Don't you dare try to lie to me." Silverstream says in a furious tone anger replacing the sadness in her eyes.

"Ocellus i saw the kiss he did't even try to push you away during or afterwards he even hugged you close to him so DON'T KELPING LIE TO ME AGAIN JUST LEAVE OK ME ALONE BOTH OF YOU!"

I already explained how to fix this part in the thread. Also, (Kelping) should be "Keep" and Lie should be Lying. Remove the Ok from before Me and add a comma before "Both of you"

With that Silverstream runs away tears in her eyes as Smolder is hiding behind her door listing and mutters under her breath.

should be...

With that Silverstream ran away with tears in her eyes as Smolder hid behind her door, listing and mutteringunder her breath.

Ocellus tries to apologize to Gallus tears in her eyes but he cuts her off

tried, add a comma after Gallus and after eyes, and remove the s from cuts.

Furious and ashamed at himself Gallus lashes out at her unknowingly with a talon outstratched cutting Ocellus on the cheek drawing a faint droplet of blood and a cry of pain from Ocellus as she flees the room bleeding green blood faintly onto the carpet.

First and foremost, at should be changed to of because it makes more sense grammatically.

Furious and ashamed of himself, Gallus lashed out at her unknowingly with a talon outstretched, cutting Ocellus' the cheek drawing a faint droplet of blood and a cry of pain from Ocellus as she flees the room, bleeding green blood faintly onto the carpet.

When someone's name ends in an s, adding an apostrophe to it allows a reader to know that it's possessive. For example, you could say "Alex's apple are tasty," but you can't do, "Linus's apples are tasty," because the extra s on the end isn't necessary. So, for character's like Gallus and Ocellus, adding an apostrophe to the end of their name is appropriate for possessive scenarios, while adding an apostrophe and an s to the end of Silverstream's name would be more appropriate.

"Ocellus im sorry i did'nt mean to hurt you WAIT COME BACK PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME ALONE AGAIN"

Should be I'm sorry, capitalize the next I, and "did'nt" should be "Didn't" also, add an apostrophe to Don't and remove again from the end of that sentence. Having "Again" their implies that she left him earlier in the story.

Gallus pleads as he lays down on the floor crying and berating himself in his head.

Gallus pleaded as he laid down on the floor, crying while he berrated himself in his head.

"STUPID STUPID STUPID OF COURSE I WOULD HURT TWO OF THOESE CLOSEST TO ME IM SUCH A PECKING MESS MABY COZY GLOW WAS RIGHT ABOUT ME"

Add an apostrophe to "I'm such a pecking mess" and finish it with an exclamation mark since it's a separate thought from Cozy Glow.

"STUPID STUPID STUPID OF COURSE I WOULD HURT TWO OF THOESE CLOSEST TO ME IM SUCH A PECKING MESS! MABY COZY GLOW WAS RIGHT ABOUT ME..."

I feel like this is enough to get a general idea of what needs fixing. Just go through, change the other present tenses in the descriptions to past tense and add a few commas and periods here and there when necessary.

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Thanks and the kelping is like that as apparently sea kelp is cursing for hippogriffs and sea ponies so she swearing there

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Aka she’s using the f word in anger wich makes more sense with just lie then lying if that makes sense

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Thanks though I hope the conversation with smolder helps get the point across that’s somethings not ok with him

Alrighty then! Sorry for disappearing on you, redsopine; I had some IRL stuff to do. But it looks like you published the story! :yay: I liked it! Of course, I do have some things I'd like to point out. Namely:

“It’s okay, Gallus. I’ll tell her myself it was my mistake that I made,” Ocellus offered looking rather pained as she said it. “But in the moment, I couldn’t think of anything that would get though to you! You’re good enough for anyone…”

Ocellus carefully stood up and broke the hug, sniffling and wiping her eyes once again. She then turned to leave, only to see a teary-eyed Silverstream standing in the doorway.

“Uhh…?” Ocellus groaned, taking a frightened step back. Gallus looked practically petrified. “Silver!? I know this looks bad, but—” she started to say.

“Save it,” Silver sobbed weakly. “I heard what you said.”

“H-How much of w-what I said?”

“Enough,” she answered, wings drooping. “…I trusted you. Both of you! A-And you kissed—” Silverstream took a deep, calming breath. “Tell me. How long has this been going on for!?”

"Silver, nothing's been going on. This is the first time anything has happened and it's my fault not Gallus' - I'm the one that kissed him.”

Ocellus tried to look Silverstream in the eyes but failed to do so out of shame.

“And if you heard what he was saying before, you would know why! so don't be upset with him over my actions he loves y"

"Don't you dare try to lie to me!" Silverstream said, fury replacing the sadness in her eyes.

So far, the biggest issue is the tense switching. The verb tense should be consistent within the story, so since the beginning used the past tense, the rest of it should as well. Unless, of course, you switched the verb tense in the beginning to present tense then the rest of the story is perfectly fine!

After saying that, Silverstream ran away with tears in her eyes as she pushed past Smolder who had been hiding behind her door, listening in She then looked into the room and muttered under her breath, "Ocellus, what have you done?"

This section was a little clunky, since:
1) Silver just suddenly runs away after demanding Ocellus and Gallus not lie to her, implying the conversation would keep going. This isn't too much of a problem, just a little nitpick.
2) The part where Smolder is revealed to have been listening in is a bit of a Run-On. Just a simple fix-up, and it's good. :raritywink:

"I-I-I'M so sor"

Ocellus tries to apologize to Gallus, but he cut her off.

"Shut up! Just, shut up! You have done enough damage; just leave me alone! This one mistake just hurt the one that I love, and all-but took away her trust! So save your PECKING EXCUSES AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

I'm just gonna say this real quick: Careful with how many times you ALL-CAP words. It's a perfectly fine technique to emphasize words, but you need to be careful not to overdo it; otherwise it could be distracting to the readers.

"GA"

"JUST! GO! Please just go! I need some time alone; we all do."

"But, Gallus—" she said, reaching out to him worriedly. < - I added this line to add context as to why what happens next happens.

Furious and ashamed of himself, Gallus lashed out at Ocellus with an outstretched talon, cutting Ocellus on the cheek and drawing a faint droplet of blood. Ocellus cried out in pain and quickly fled the room, leaving a trickle of green blood onto the carpet.

Okay. I'm not going to beat around the bush here; I don't like this. Gallus showed no inclination toward violence whatsoever until this moment, and I even had to add a line there to help better explain why he just suddenly attacked her. He just did it. No fore-shadowing or build-up; he just randomly assaults her. It feels like cheap drama for the sake of cheap drama.

Personally, I think it might have been better if he had simply flinched back away from her. You get the same emotional pay-off in that Gallus essentially doesn't want Ocellus anywhere near him, but you do it without having Gallus legitimately HURT his friend. That said, I DO understand why you did it, considering what comes next.

"Ocellus, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you! WAIT! COME BACK! PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME ALONE AGAIN!" Gallus pleaded, slumping down on the floor and crying.

STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! he berated himself in his head. OF COURSE I WOULD HURT TWO OF THOSE CLOSEST TO ME! I'M SUCH A PECKING MESS! MAYBE COZY GLOW WAS RIGHT ABOUT ME!

Gallus looked down at his sharp talons. Upon seeing the blood clinging to his claws he grew more distressed, loudly crying out, "I'M NOT WORTH IT! I'M NOT WORTH ANY OF THIS! ... M-MAYBE THE LAST CREATURE I HURT SHOULD BE ME!? A-AND THEN NO ONE ELSE WOULD BE HURT?"

You probably already know this, but I'm going to say it anyway: Be CAREFUL when you're portraying anything like this in your story. Things such as suicide, self-harm, depression, schizophrenia, and any other major mental health problems are subjects that should be handled delicately when you're writing them. This... Isn't delicate. At least, not as far as I'm concerned. It, once again, feels like cheap drama for the sake of cheap drama. And it's made even worse, considering the subject matter at-hand.

I do, however, want to applaud you for tackling said subject matter though. Mental health is a difficult thing to talk about, and I am definitely not confident in my own handling of it. My problem mostly comes with the pacing of the scene. Gallus goes from panicking over getting caught kissing Ocellus, to physically assaulting Ocellus, and then to considering hurting/killing himself. All in the span of about a minute.
But I do want to stress that I'm glad you are talking about mental health. It's an issue that I personally think deserves being written about and discussed, so please don't feel discouraged from talking about it. But I do think you should do research the subject further before you make any major attempt to do it again.

One video in particular that I think could really help you with this is the Youtuber, Hello Future Me's discussion on the matter:

Before he could do anything rash to himself an orange, scaled fist connected with his beak, knocking him down as a furious Smolder held him down, her eyes brimming with pain.

"I wanted to believe you was getting better, Gallus! I truly did," she said, ignoring the tears falling down her cheek and onto Gallus.

"But I heard what you said, and I won't let you do something like that!" Smolder declared, clenching her claws in anger. "You're wrong!

And if I have to drag you, unconscious, to Starlight's office just so you don't do anything when my back is turned, I will! But we are both going there, right now, and telling her what happened!"

"WHY DO YOU CARE!? YOU HAVE BEEN AVOIDING ME FOR MONTHS AND SUDDENLY, YOU WANT TO BE THERE FOR ME!? JUST PECK OFF AND LEAVE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HAS!" Gallus shouted back, unable to keep his emotions in check any more. "LET ME GO SO NO ONE GETS HURT ANYMORE!"

Smolder said nothing, refusing to move.

"Why!?" he sobbed, openly crying. "Just why can't I do anything right!? All I end up doing is hurting the ones that care about me. O-Or I just drive them away! So why!?" Gallus continued crying while Smolder pulled him into a tight hug. "Why, after everything, did you stop me!? I'd be better off dead! Then I'd no longer be a burden...! Sure, it'd hurt for a while, but you would all forget about me!

"YOU'RE WRONG, GALLUS!"

Someone shouted from the doorway

And that's about all that I really have to say. Overall, the biggest criticisms I have mostly pertain to your Grammar(Punctuation and Verb Tenses). But other than that, I think you did a pretty good job, and I'm glad you enjoyed The Bonds of Love enough to do this! It really means a lot! :twilightsmile:

Also, I don't think I'm going to write a comment like this for the next chapter(Or any potential sequels). I spent like an hour doing this, and, uh, I've got another chapter to write! :twilightsheepish: In any case, thank you again!

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To better explain the whole Past - > Present tense switch that happened; the first part of the story up until this line:

“Gallus! Stop!” Ocellus commanded, planting her hoof squarely against his beak.

Was from my story, The Bonds of Love. I helped them out a bit with some of what came after, but mostly everything from that line and onward was entirely redsopine's handiwork.

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thanks and tbh im not to happy about how fast it escelated but ive had my own ecperiances and still do with depression so when i was writing gallus near the end my own feelings came out so to anyone reading i apologize if it comes out as just drama but i wrote that from the heart

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oh and ngl lol the amount of help you just did in the comments is the excat reason i wanted to give you a co author tag

10516292 as to the lashing out i got no real idea why i had that i think i went with the moments as they came with him being upset and angry and possibly a small area of self destructive nature in the back of his mind

anything good bad needs editing please say i will get right on it.

also to clarify it a bit better A Silverstreams not ok with the situation and is still furious with Ocellus B there acting nice to keep gallus from breaking down again

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edited to give a better reason why he lashes out and contemplates hurting himself and i do plan to continue it at a later date proboly in a seperate fic

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and thanks for your amazing advice on this and i hope the added inclusion of cozy glows apperation pushibg him towards it makes more sense

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Did the extra added stuff in chapter one make more sense

Wow it’s been a while might have to give this a touch up

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Well I hate to say it but this is getting a rewrite there’s to many consistency errors

And chapter two has been edited and tweaked now

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