• Published 2nd Nov 2020
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Why Do You Speak My Language?! - Soaring



A human meets a horse. They both speak English... sort of.

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Are You Sure About That?

“I don’t see what the problem is.”

I sighed. Twilight wasn’t understanding why the alphabet of whatever English she spoke was completely and utterly broken. Hell, the peace sign doesn’t make any sense! She’s a pony, not a human with hands! Shouldn’t the ‘alphabet’ here be more streamlined to make the ponies relate to it more or something?

I sat there criss-crossed in my own tormented mind, struggling to comprehend the world around me. It was so hard to figure this all out, that I couldn’t count to five without imagining an emoji of a hand smacking me on my nose. I felt the urge to nurse that imaginary blunder, my hand reaching up to gently rub my nose, but that itch suddenly faded, leaving me looking like a complete moron if Twilight decided to look over at me. Luckily, she was too preoccupied, probably thinking as hard as I am, her hooves slowly creating a trench in her library.

Or was it a library? There were bookshelves surely, but they didn’t really match that library style back home. They were bigger, rocketing straight towards the ceiling at a breakneck pace, and they were filled too. To the sides of them were large plush cushions that I bet would plop me right into its comforts without much effort. The crystal chairs, however, were a bit funny looking. Who thought crystal chairs were good enough to be made into furniture? Just looking at them made me think of all the back problems I’d have.

I shivered as I walked toward one of the bookshelves. I held my hands close as I moved, looking from shelf to shelf. There were no books I wanted to read, mostly because if I tried reading them, I’d know for sure I wouldn’t understand it. Besides, I was in a completely different world, where ponies had wings and horns, and talked in a language that sounded like mine but was certainly not written the same. Why should I care about reading right now?

Unconsciously, I found myself twiddling with my thumbs, particularly scratching the side of one, while I rubbed the other gently. It was a nervous tick I’ve had since I was a little boy. It wasn’t a bad one to have, better than what I’ve heard from most people, yet it reminded me of when I was five somewhere in this aging shell I called my prime.

“Five, six, seven, eight. You’re all those and more, son.”

I shook away the memory, the face that showed its pearly whites faded into the backdrop, as Twilight, the purple horned mare with wings continued her charade, pacing back and forth despite the floor’s scuffed appearance.

I pried my hands away from each other, and pushed myself off the ground. I needed to stop this before she fell through the floor. As I approached her, I tried to smile her way, but I knew I was miserably failing at it, my lips settling for an awkward smirk instead.

Shakily, I took a deep breath. “Twilight, are you—”

“Rick, why?”

“Why, what?”

The mare stopped in her tracks and stood there, her ears slung against her skull. “Why do you think we don’t know English?”

I sighed. “Because, English has actual letters, Twilight. Y’know, twenty-seven letters with real recognizable patterns?” I blinked. That didn’t sound right. “Err… twenty-six I mean.” Dear, sweet, eight pound five ounce baby Jesus, maybe I didn’t have any place to school her on language and the alphabet.

Twilight blinked, her muzzle contorted. She had her gaze honed in on me. I was wondering why she was staring at me like she was, but all too-soon did she snort, completely shattering my thoughts. “And we don’t? Come on, don’t you know that 🕆︎ 🕮︎ ✋︎ are the most popular Equestrian characters and—why are you looking at me like that?”

I stared at the mare. My eyes probably looked like they were glued to her, frozen in time. Slowly, I pursed my lips, before responding to her, “What… did you say?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I said why are you looking at me like—”

“Not that!” I exclaimed, throwing my arms out in front of Twilight’s face. I was careful to not extend my arm out as I was worried I would poke her in the eye. I spun my hand in a circle, and gave her the best glare I could as I added, “Before that.”

“I said 🕆︎ 🕮︎ ✋︎—”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She wasn’t saying words, she was saying noises. They were like a cross between a bird chirping and a demented weasel begging for the sweet release of apocalypse. And her wings were dancing a bit, fluttering as each noise bounced off my eardrums like a bouncy castle. Not to mention Twilight’s horn was glowing purple, but the colorful aura was foggy like a cloud that lingered around her horn, but behaved like a tree swaying in the breeze.

“What did you say there?”

“The letters 🕆︎ ✋︎ along with the 🕮︎ sign?”

Twilight was gazing up at me like a sad puppy that has been waiting for her treats for far too long. It reminded me of my dog I had, a pup that sat next to the door, wagging its tail at a thousand miles per hour. I didn’t expect Twilight to do that, not that she could be a pet. That’d be weird.

A weird noise maker with an optional English setting disguised as a horse.

“Well what does a snnrrrtt eeeeee and whatever that sound of a helium-huffing mouse getting caught in a bear trap mean?”

Twilight shuffled out of her makeshift trench, which, for some odd reason, had somehow not pierced through the floor. She brought a hoof to her muzzle, scraping off whatever leftover crystals were laying upon it, before she answered with polite glee:

“You and I!”

My face fell fast. “You’re kidding.”

Twilight jovially shook her head, nearly snapping her neck in two. “Nope!”

“Why don’t you just say that instead of… that?”

Twilight smirked. “Well, if Rarity has told me anything it’s that every mare has their secrets.”

I could feel my eyebrow soaring into the skies. “Really? You’re going that route?”

“Really,” Twilight said with a single curt nod. She kept that smirk on her face, her face glowing. “I have to see if you’re truly ready for what I have to tell you.”

“Ready for it? What, is this some truth bomb you have laid out for me?” I felt like a spiky-haired hero about to get a side quest that was going to take way too long for the amount of experience points you’ll get from it.

Her sidelong glance at the door wasn’t anything to sneer at, as the sound of a lock clicking into place echoed in the room. “Definitely. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure Spike comes up to drop off some snacks for us. Tell me, are you allergic to hay?”

My stomach flipped at that question. “Allergic? No, but my kind can’t digest it properly like you ponies could. I’d probably starve if I only ate hay.”

Twilight sighed. “That’s rough, you’re missing out,” she murmured, her body slowly sliding down. She laid down on the ground, her head resting on her forehooves.

Silence reigned as she sat there, closing her eyes. It felt like an opportunity to get away from her for a bit, since I didn’t want to interrupt her rest. She probably needed it after all that pacing she did.

I turned away and walked towards a nearby window. It confirmed my thoughts. Yes, I was alien, not that I needed proof from a landscape outside a window pane to get that much. Nothing looked familiar, yet everything did too. There were buildings. There were mountains. There were trees, paths, signs. But the norm was gone. The world of humans was replaced by horses that could fly, by horses that could blink things into existence, and by horses that behaved like humans.

The greenery outside served as a backdrop to a nightmare I was living. It was lush, large, and alien. A place not like home. A chilly sensation traveled down my spine.

“Are you okay, Rick?”

The voice made me jolt, my hairs standing tall on my back and my arms. I thought Twilight had gone to sleep, but instead she had walked over to me somehow without me hearing those hooves of hers click-clacking against the floor. My heart started pumping out of my chest, making me scramble away from her. Unfortunately for me, I had nowhere else to go, which led me to bump my back up against the wall. I felt like I was plastered to it like I was riding on a Gravitron, my cheeks numb to her gaze. However, that feeling was contrasted by the gentle offering of her hoof, which slowly began to reach out to me.

Then, it fell, leaving a soft smile on her face to greet me.

“Calm down, Rick. It's just me. Twilight.”

I sighed as I tried to calm my heart down. “Sorry, you scared me. I thought you were going to sleep.”

Twilight kept that smile up as she shook her head. “No, I was just resting my eyes a bit. After all that pacing I—” As she spoke, she made visual contact with the trench she made. “I really did that for a while, didn’t I?”

A crack in the facade left me wondering if I just lost the game, my lips curving upward. “Yeah, you did. How did you not fall through the floor?”

Twilight chuckled behind her forehoof. “The crystals in this castle are so durable that even I can’t fall through the floor at this point!”

I laughed loudly at that one. “Whoever put this floor in for you deserves a raise.”

Twilight turned her laughter up a notch. “I’ll let the Tree of Harmony know that you like its branches.” Another gigglesnort leaped out of her body before she continued, “Anyway, that’s enough about me. I’m more curious about you.”

“Me? Why do—”

“Seriously?” Twilight asked, her brow furrowed. “We went over this already, Rick. You’re not from here. Why wouldn’t I be curious?”

“You said I looked like a malnourished Diamond Dog!” I riposted, my eyebrow raised.

She cackled at that one, clutching her gut with a forehoof. “Hehe! Of course I did. But then I saw that you were hairless too. Unless one of those Diamond Dogs had gotten his hair shaved in the middle of the night, I don’t think you’re one of them.” She waved a hoof nonchalantly at me, as if I was to have it. “Besides, you sound way too smart to be one of them… unless you’re part of some distant intellectual Diamond Dog tribe.”

“Last time I checked, I was just Rick,” I replied. I looked down at myself. Yep, I was still wearing the same pants I had last week (the dryer was broken so this was my only pair that wasn’t a victim of a flash flood), and I still had that red and black button-up shirt that made me look like I was doing a Warped Tour at a Starbucks.

Twilight facepalm—no, facehoofed? Facehooved? Semantics were schematics, maybe.

“Yep, I’m still Rick.”

“I’m glad,” she droned through her hoof that was covering her maw. Her forehoof then fell to the wayside. Then, she backed up a tad and sat on her haunches, looking up at me with a quill and a stack of paper hovering beside her. “So, other than you looking like a… you, what exactly are you?”

Well, she was not going to give up on her little research project, which so happened to be me. I sighed, sliding down the wall and onto the floor. “Well, I’m a human.”

“Really?”

I rolled my eyes. “Is that really so shocking to you?”

“Well, yes and no. It’s a long story that I’ll hold off until you tell me a simple two-hundred page autobiography highlighting your life from birth all the way until this very moment, along with family trees, pictures, audio logs placed as blocked text, and even creative purple-prose depictions of your memories!” She did a cross between a squeal and the sound of a mouse being stepped on here. “I can’t wait to know all about you!”

I blinked rapidly at what she just demanded. Did she think I was some random 43andme representative? “Twilight, I don’t think I can do that. Are you sure you’re not a psychopath?”

She tilted her head all puppy-like, and her ears perked up to the point of standing at attention. “A psychopath?”

“Uhh… yeah. You’re talking like one.”

She frowned. “Sorry, am I talking too much?”

I nodded. “It's not just that though. You're... reminding me of someone else in my life. Someone who had an impact. Someone at home.”

Home.

I felt my heart shattered when I heard it again.

“I apologize, Rick. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. Trust me, I’m not going to do anything you’re not okay with.”

“Are you sure about that?”

She grinned. “Yep, I’m HIV positive!”

I blinked, and checked my ears for earwax. “Sorry, what?”

“Sorry, Rick,” Twilight began, a blush blossoming forth on her cheeks. “I’m very sure about that. You don’t have to worry. Friendship is about maintaining a level of distance, not analytics, and despite popular theory, it’s definitely not about magic. If you want, I can get rid of the quill and paper.”

I felt my heart race a bit, but it slowed when I took a deep breath. “If you could put the quill and paper down, I’d be way more wlling to talk to you.”

“That bad?” Twilight asked, her voice becoming scratchy.

I bobbed my head, much to her dismay. “It looks like you’re going to attack me with malicious intent… or you’re going to violently draw a mustache above my mouth. Not sure which.”

She shook her head before blinking the two items out of existence. The purpleness around her horn faded as soon as it came. “I guess you’re right.”

Twilight sounded so hurt by my wishes, but I couldn’t help that it was for the best. She was getting way too jittery about all this. Besides, I… can’t help but feel drawn to her despite her wanting to document my entire life story. Maybe I can get away from her once she’s conked out from asking me all these questions she’s got.

“So, what do you want to know?”

“Everything.”

I gulped. I hated interrogations.


Some time passed… not that I knew how much because she was still asking me questions. The only thing I knew that the sun was no longer shining, and I was still stuck in here, my stomach grumbling like a San Francisco earthquake.

“So, why did you decide to buy that album?”

I shrugged. “It was on sale at the time, and trust me, I was not going to pass up on a good deal for the first autographed Dance Gavin Dance1 album.”

We had talked about a lot before this. From the clean vocal highs…


“What was school like for you?”

“School? You have that here?”

“Rick, if you think for a second my ponies are going to be stuck without their heads being buried in a book, then you are sorely mistaken. Celestia would’ve thought I was a poorly acted Twilight by some non-reformed changeling if I didn’t have a school system in place!” She had given me a smirk that rivaled all the ones before it. “Friendship is Magic, and it must be taught through the many articles, peer-reviewed studies, and mathmatically-infused if-then statements on the subject!”

I groaned. “Yeah, yeah, I get it Miss Friendshipper.” I let out the air that was staying under wraps. “Well, school was great. Had a lot of friends back there. I remember teepeeing the entire school with my friends.”

“Tea peeing?”

I smirked. “Decorating the school with the paper that all of us humans wiped our asses with. We got the school pretty good too. Too bad it ended in us getting detentions for the next three weeks.”

“D-Detentions?”

I put my hands behind my back and returned the favor. “Twilight, are you afraid of detention?”

“N-No!” she yelped, hiding behind her wing.

I smirked. “Not buying that, but I’m glad, because that makes you look way less like a psychopath, and more like…”

“Like?” Twilight asked, her ears perked up.

I blinked. “Human, I guess.”


...to the devastating low growls...


“Twilight, I eat meat.”

The mare in front of me turned even more purple than she usually did, as she gasped in enough to swallow more than just a few flies.

“Really?”

“Yeah, but don’t worry, I won’t eat you,” I replied, smiling at her.

She wiped her brow with a hoof, sighing all the while. “Good, because I was about to run—”

“You have HIV, remember?”


...and even then, everything I knew had flowed together. She knew about my family, which wasn’t much since it was just like every other nuclear family, my hobbies, and most importantly, why I was nearly about to freak out the second the conversation was over.

Wait, was that why she was asking about the album I purchased before I got here?

“Uh, Twilight, you know I’m not actually going to freak out, right?”

Her muzzle wiggled in response to that one. “You aren’t?”

“I’m sure of it.”

She searched my face, even closing the distance between us just to check to see if I wasn’t lying. Once she did her diagnostic check (this is what she had called it), she scooted back on her haunches and sighed. “Well, if you’re not going to 'freak out', I do have one more question to ask, and then we’re done, for now.”

“Promise?” I asked.

She did this weird gesture that involved her chanting something about a Pink Pie promising to not poke herself in the eye before giving me and something extra, “I Pinkie Promise!”

“Pinkie promise?”

The mare copied my move, bobbing her head rather rapidly. “It’s a promise I can’t break. If I do, I’ll have to make it up to Pinkie somehow. After all, nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise.”

Suddenly, a voice interjected, punching through the room’s atmosphere like a deranged lunatic riding a bicycle down a steep hill. I had nearly toppled over trying to dodge whatever that projectile was. Thankfully, I was able to move out the way just in time, as the pink blob screeched to a halt.

She was like Twilight, save for a horn, and had big blue eyes. She looked ten times more intimidating though, as muzzles weren’t supposed to act like a human’s mouth, her teeth all being shown in their glory.

“Uhh… Who are—”

“Never break a Pinkie Pie promise.”

“Okay?” I said in a hurry. “But wh—”

She shoved a hoof into my mouth, which made my eyes widen and my tongue begging for mercy. “Never!” the pink menace shouted.

“Pinkie, could you not put your hoof in my friend’s mouth?”

Suddenly, the pink pony yelped, letting me not taste the dirt of whatever earth she stepped on out of my mouth. I kept hacking out bits of grass and soil while she spoke, “Oops, sorry! I didn’t mean to do that! I just had this sense that someone was going to propose a Pinkie Promise and then I felt the Twilight sense as well, and I just put two and two together! Now I’m here telling you not to break it and now you’re coughing up a lung… because of me.”

The pink pony’s mane deflated upon saying that.

“Pinkie, it’s okay. He’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure, Twilight?” the pink menace… Pinkie asked.

The winged mare with a horn nodded. “Yes. Trust me™, I’m the best source I know when it comes to helping humans.”

“Human? That’s what he is?”

“Yes, Pinkie, now get out so I can finish up this conversation and—”

“Oh. My. Gosh! He’s the same as Derrick then and—”

Suddenly, I watched Twilight shove a hoof in Pinkie’s muzzle. “Exactly! He’s just like Oil Derrick, the infamous oil seeker! He traveled all over Equestria to find the best oils for everypony to use! I think he’d be very much like Rick over here! Thank you for that, Pinkie!”

Pinkie shoved Twilight’s hoof aside. “But Twilight why are you—”

With a zipper, Pinkie’s mouth was closed, a purple glow hovering over the mare’s muzzle.

After finally not heaving up my lungs and my dinner (which wasn’t meat, thankfully), I was able to really see what was happening. Not that I didn’t, as Twilight clearly was hiding something from me, but I really didn’t want to say something until after Pinkie left.

Twilight must’ve had the same thought, as she made sure to say a few words, “Pinkie, not now! I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

Pinkie’s mouth unzipped itself, letting the pink mare the opportunity to breathe and her hair to inflate. “Okay! Just make sure to introduce Rick to all of us too!”

I blinked. “How did you know my name?”

Twilight facehooved. “Don’t ask her that. Let’s save it for tomorrow, please.”

“Ok—”

The rest of the word fell on deaf ears as she was blinked away to wherever she came from.

Twilight’s horn died down. “My friends are great, aren’t they?”

“What was that about?” I said, cutting to the chase. I didn’t care about the display (well, other than Pinkie, because she was about to kill me with her grass and dirt covered hoof), I cared about whatever Pinkie said. That name didn’t sound pony-like at all.

“Pinkie just wanted to surprise you and—”

“No, I mean, Derrick. Who’s he?”

Twilight’s eyes widened, her wings twitching at her sides. “That wasn’t something you were supposed to know just yet.”

“Oh? And when was I supposed to know about him?”

Twilight’s lower lip twitched, before she bolted to her desk, which was hidden conveniently in a corner. She flipped open a notebook and swiftly galloped back over to me. Flipping through it, she shoved her hoof on a page and read out loud:

“❄︎🕈︎☜︎☠︎❄︎✡︎ 👍︎☟︎✌︎🏱︎❄︎☜︎☼︎💧︎ 👎︎⚐︎🕈︎☠︎ ❄︎☟︎☜︎ ☹︎✋︎☠︎☜︎!”

“Twilight, translate that to me in actual English.”

She groaned, mostly because of what I demanded, but probably because that wing of hers was totally bent out of shape due to that dance she did. “Let’s just say, this wasn’t supposed to be said until I could understand you better. Unfortunately, I’m stuck here having to tell you that… that…”

My heart began to race once again. “What?”

Twilight sighed. “You’re not as alien as you seem.”

What.

Before I could even think of anything to say, my mind opened up to her. “Are you saying that—”

“Derrick was our first human. You’re the second one in Equestrian history.”

⚐︎♒︎.

Author's Note:

1: If you don't follow this band, you are missing out. Midnight Crusade is great.