Chapter 1
Apple Bloom laid on the straw strewn floor of the barn, staring up at the rafters above her. A few lonely pigeons who had flown in when the door was open flew in and out of it. Outside, sheets of rain drummed down on the roof, the sky covered in steel grey clouds, mountains of water vapor which pounded the land. The little filly groaned. All of her chores-what little chores her workaholic sister allowed her to do-were completed and the other chores, which she might have a chance to do, were all outside chores.
And if she wanted to play, she had to do that outside too. But she couldn't because she wasn't allowed to play in the rain, not that she'd particularly want to. She groaned and rolled over on her side, hugging her striped blue, purple, orange, pink and green beach ball, jutting her lower lip out. She'd been warned before not to play with her ball inside, especially not the barn where barrels nearly overflowing with ripe, red apples freshly harvested. The few times she'd been caught breaking the no-bouncing-the-ball-near-the-barrels-of-apples rule she'd been roundly scolded and sent to a lonely exile in the corner for the unbearably long amount of eight minutes. Theoretically, Apple Bloom understood the rule. Applejack and Big Mac worked hard to harvest the apples and she was old enough to understand that the apples were their livelihood, what they needed to eat and sell and live.
That didn't mean she had to like it. She had been outside when the thunder had shot across the sky, lightning slashing the clouds, sending her bolting with her ball into the barn. Once there, she had realized she was unable to play there so she had sat down to dry out her fur and mane. Occasionally, she'd consider darting back out into the rain and towards her house, towards the warmth of her grandmother or elder sibling's fretting and maybe a warm cider while she dried off by a crackling fire.
But then the wind would howl, screeching at the barn. Applejack was away at the market and Big Mac was likely in the secluded west field. He never seemed to mind the rain. Granny Smith was taking a nap, as she always did when the rains came down.
Apple Bloom yawned and cuddled the ball a little tighter. It was her favorite ball though she couldn't say why. She'd had it for a long time, maybe since the time she was an even littler little Pony. She hugged it tight and yawned. Many a time it had been her pillow after playtime turned into naptime. She yawned and rolled over onto her side. She wasn't sleepy. Just bored.
Ideas began to formulate in her mind. While she did not want to break the rule (which could result in a sore tush), that did not mean she couldn't bend the rule. Playing didn't just mean bouncing and the rule was only against bouncing the ball.
She jumped up and then atop the ball, giggling as it rolled beneath her. She kicked up her legs, feeling the ball roll beneath her. Picking up speed, the ball rolled across the floor making her wildly laugh from atop it, continuing to kick her legs across the ball's surface. The ball went so fast she could no longer control it and it slipped from beneath her hooves, knocking her down to the ground. Quickly, she scrambled back up and pouted at her oldest friend.
Then, little laughs escaped her lips as she darted after the ball and pounced on it. It rolled beneath her, grazing the barrel. She rolled it back, once more picking up speed. She could feel it rolling beneath her hooves, getting faster and faster. Suddenly, she slowed it and wobbled a bit, nearly tumbling down to the ground again. A triumphant grin spread across her features as she stood firm on the round surface.
In fact, she felt so triumphant, she bounced up and down and flew into the air, slamming onto her back. Groaning, she scrambled right back up and jumped back up on the ball. The ball rolled closer to the barrels. Apple Bloom grinned, spinning the ball towards the barrel and then, at the last possible second, rolling it back.
It became a game for her, zooming the ball close to the barrels and pulling back just before the ball could crash into the barrels. She rolled back and forward, never losing control of the ball she skillfully balanced on. She rolled it faster beneath her hooves and it nearly zipped from beneath her, but she responded by rolling even quicker.
Growing bored of her game, she hopped off it and whirled around, bucking the ball. Only a few seconds later did she recall the no-bouncing rule and winced as the ball knocked against the wall. It bounced back at Apple Bloom's hooves. Apple Bloom blinked. Easy, Filly. That was just a slip. Just...just hop back on it. No more bouncin.'
Yet another side of her argued the opposite. She surely had enough control of the ball to bounce it and not hit the wall. Applejack was just being a silly Pony.
Nopony would ever know. Besides, wasn't it good practice for when she later started apple bucking? Feeling fully justified, she whirled around, sprung her back legs like a coil and bucked with all her might. The ball struck the wall and then, on bouncing back, slammed on the floor, completely avoiding the barrels.
Growing more confident, she bucked again, this time slightly harder. She cringed when she heard the whack of plastic against wood and something clatter.
Probably just one barrel. I can fix it. Just put back the apples.
Slowly, she turned around. The barrel rocked slightly and she breathed a sigh of relief. She smirked and gave a celebratory buck.
The moment her hooves made contact with the ball, it flew into the barrel knocking it down and into its fellow. The third barrel knocked into the fourth barrel which knocked into the fifth. Like dominoes, the barrels clattered into each other, collapsing to the floor, sending the apples scattering onto the ground.
Apple Bloom stared in horror as the apples crowded the floor, spilling onto the ground. Her lips trembled and her eyes watered, but she blinked away the tears. She could fix this. While many of the apples were likely bruised, most were (probably) still okay.
She could fix this. The bruised apples could be put in the corner (and she was going to be an apple in the corner when her sister found out about this, but that could wait.)
She scrambled over to a barrel, pushed it back up. That part was easy. Then she picked up all the apples, trying to keep them in her forelegs, but the weight pushed her down and the apples crashed down on her. She groaned and picked herself back up, glared at the offending apples.
Picking up one, she tossed it into the barrel. Continuing the slow task, she tossed in two more, then looked around at the sea of red apples surrounding her, heaved a heavy sigh. She picked up two in each foreleg, standing up on her hinds, and threw them into the barrel. Then she sat down, picked up another apple and bit into it. The sweet flavor exploded on her tongue and she quickly devoured it.
Collecting apples made her hungry for apples. She hopped up to look at the barrel and realized that it wasn't even half full. The floor was still covered with evidence of her crime. Her ears drooped and she sank to her tummy. There was no way she'd be able to re-fill all the barrels.
Quickly jumping back up, she decided that the least she could do was try so she continued the work, picking up another apple, letting it fall into the barrel. So far none of them were bruised. That was very good. She picked up several more apples, letting them fall onto the pile forming in the barrel.
She winced when she saw the first bruised apples, two of them. Sighing, she trudged to the corner and placed them there. Then, she trudged back to the pile, picked up some apples in her forelegs and began placing them on the pile, groaning when she saw she had three bruised ones.
I sure hope there's enough left for Cider Season or else Miss Rainbow Dash is gonna wanna whoop my hind end. She scurried over to the corner, deposited the apples, sighed again. Guilt, like a rock, had started to settle in her stomach. Tears threatened to fall. Her big sister and brother had spent so long collecting these apples and she had ruined it all in a moment of playfulness.
Her ears wilted and her lower lip began to tremble, the guilt starting to gnaw at her stomach. The tears rolled down her cheeks and she fiercely wiped them away. She was going to do her best to clean up her mess, to show she was worthy of the Apple name!
Snatching up the apples as fast as she could, she raced to the barrel, placing them inside, racing to the corner when she found bruised ones and then racing back to the barrel to deposit her load. Looking into the barrel, a mild oath came from her lips when she realized that she had accidentally put the bruised apples in the barrel.
Just as the curse left her lips, the barn door creaked open. Apple Bloom froze and turned around. Applejack stood in the doorway, her mouth working up and down. Apple Bloom's gaze went down to the floor while Applejack trotted into the room. Her eyes narrowed as she spotted the beach ball. She marched over to Apple Bloom who remained standing, gazing down, her ears drooping. "What in tarnation happened here?"
Apple Bloom sniffled. "I-I...I didn't mean to."
She jumped when Applejack slammed her hoof on the ground. "Ya didn't mean ta do what? This is half of the harvest!"
Apple Bloom bit down on her trembling lip, tried unsuccessfully to keep her tears from falling. Applejack's expression remained hard. "Tell me what happened."
She shrunk back from her sister's expression, more of the guilt clawing at her soul. Unable to meet her sister's gaze, she directed her mumbling confession to the hay covering the floor. "I...I was playin' with my ball..."
"You was bouncin' it wasn't ya?"
Apple Bloom whimpered. Applejack sighed and placed her hoof beneath her sister's chin, forcing her to look up. "Look Sugarcube, this ain't the worse thing ya've ever done, but it's up there. I ain't mad at ya, I'm disappointed that you would disobey me after I've told ya not ta play with that ball inside for Celestia only knows how many times."
"Bein' disappointed is worse. I'm sorry, Sis. I, I tried ta put the apples back in the barrels."
Applejack shook her head. "I know ye did and I'm proud that ye did."
Apple Bloom chanced a small smile as she felt Applejack stroke her mane. "But, that don't cut it. Yer still gonna have to face consequences."
"I know, Sis."
Applejack thought for a few moments. "Tryin' ta clean up showed a lot of maturity and I appreciate you bein' so honest. Yer growin' up. Maybe you'll be too big for a spankin' here pretty soon. I think I'll let you pick a punishment. I can take ye over my knee or I can take away yer ball for a month."
Applebloom's eyes widened. To be without her beloved ball for a whole month? On the other hoof, she was likely in for a pretty sound tushy tanning. Still that ball. There was something special about it. Applejack glanced over at it and for a moment, Applebloom swore that her eyes went misty. "Oh. Oh, that's the ball you was playin' with. Uh, you'll probably just take the spankin', huh?"
She nodded. "Yeah."
Applejack bit her lip. "Alright. Come over here, Sis." She sat down on a hay barrel. Apple Bloom slowly trotted over, taking each step at a pace that was only slightly quicker than molasses. Applejack watched, with a look of tolerant patience at first that slowly vanished as it slowly became unclear whether Applebloom was moving at all.
"Apple Bloom. I thought you was growin' up. Come here and take yer spankin' like a big filly."
She shuffled her hoof and quickened her pace. Applejack took pity on the poor child and grasped her by her shoulders. She didn't resist as she was guided over her elder sister's lap in the familiar position. She squirmed a bit, in anticipation of the punishment. Applejack laid a hoof on her back, almost more a gesture of affection than to keep her in place.
"You ready?"
"Um, no?"
Applejack rolled her eyes and lifted her tail. "I'll wait, but yer goin' ta get bored like that."
Applebloom sighed. "Oh fine, get it over with!"
Applejack lifted her hoof and brought it down with a sharp slap on her sister's rump which made Apple Bloom yelp and kick her legs. Two more smacks fell upon her rump, making her squirm more and whine. Applejack's spanks fell evenly, painting the filly's bottom a light pink color while Apple Bloom squirmed and struggled, not at all trying to hold in the cries that came from both the pain of the spanking and the emotional pain of her beloved big sister's disappointment in her.
While not deaf to her sister's cries, Applejack continued bringing down her hoof on her bottom, putting only enough force behind the swat to leave a mild sting that was building up into an uncomfortable heat. "I have told ye before not ta play with yer ball in the barn, but ye went and did it anyway!" Each word of the scolding was followed by a sharp slap across her bottom that drew a cry. "And look what happened! Do you know how long it's gonna take ta put these apples back? Not ta mention the ones we can't sell or eat!"
The heat in her bottom and her sister's lecture made Apple Bloom cry even harder as she realized how much harm her foolish actions had caused. The spanks fell at a regular rate, reddening her rear while all she could do was kick her hind legs. The burning in her bottom was stoked by each slap, the spanking starting to reach a crescendo. She sniffled and finally gave in, bawling over Applejack's laps as the spanks heated her heiny.
Applejack paused, inspected her sister's bottom which was almost scarlet. Not wanting to go too far and cause true harm, she lightened the force of the smacks, only enough to lightly sting her tushy. Apple Bloom sniffled, accepting the chastising swats doled out to her tush.
Five final spanks fell down and then Applejack stopped, resting her hoof on her hind end and then rubbing her lower back. "Alright. I want ye ta stand in the corner and think about what ye did."
Apple Bloom didn't really want to do that-standing still was a terrible ordeal for her-but she decided not to disobey any further, hopping off her lap, stepping over the apples in her way and placing her muzzle to the wall, blushing slightly at the embarrassing position. If anypony-her brother, grandmother, friend or friend of the family-were to peek inside the barn, they'd see her in the corner with her sore red bottom on display, a sure sign she'd gotten up to mischief. Of course, she'd seen both Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle in the corner themselves and she'd even had the satisfaction of seeing Diamond Tiara sent there by Cheerilee after a paddling for name-calling. (Giggling at that had gotten her sent to the corner right beside her, though.)
She shifted on her hinds and stared at the wood. Behind her she could hear Applejack shuffling around collecting the apples. "Sis?"
"You ain't supposed ta talk in time-out."
"I know, but I just wanted to say I'll help you pick up those apples."
Applejack paused. "You don't have to. You've already been punished and I forgive ye."
"I want to." She shifted again and rested her muzzle against the hard wood of the wall. It was uncomfortable, but not painful. Her bottom was still sore, but it'd be fading by suppertime.
Applejack picked up an apple and placed it on the pile collecting in the barrel. There honestly weren't that many bruised apples and she felt a slight twinge of shame, as if she'd been overly severe. "You really want to, Sugarcube?"
"My mess, so I should clean it up."
"Mama would be proud of ye." Her voice choked up. "So would Papa."
Apple Bloom was silent, apparently not knowing how to respond. Applejack collected the apples in a strange silence, her methods more efficient than that of her younger sister. Minutes passed and she decided about eight had gone by. Maybe less, but she was sure Apple Bloom had had sufficient time to reflect.
She trotted over and placed a hoof on Apple Bloom's shoulder. "Come here, Sugarcube." Pulling her into an embrace, she held her tight. Apple Bloom gratefully received the cuddling, nuzzling into her sister's chest. Applejack licked away the last of her sister's tears, gently stroking her back, Apple Bloom melting into the embrace as they nuzzled each other. "I'm sorry, Applejack."
Applejack patted her mane. "No more of that. I'm afraid I need to apologize myself."
Apple Bloom blinked. "For what?"
"I was a might too harsh givin' you a spankin.' I could've just made ye keep cleanin' up, but I thought you was only doin' that ta get out of trouble." She squeezed her. "I didn't think you'd actually choose to do it. I am proud of you."
Apple Bloom smiled and rested her cheek against Applejack's, relaxing in the loving embrace. "Ye don't need ta say sorry, I was bein' dumb."
"We're all dumb sometimes." She paused. "By the way, that word you said when I came in? Don't say that word again. I know ye heard me say it and don't tell Granny I did unless ye want both of us ta get our mouths washed out."
Apple Bloom giggled. "Alright, Sis." She made no move to leave the hug, snuggling against her. Applejack stroked her back, humming a small lullaby. "I can't believe you still have that ball. Mama gave it to ye."
"She did?"
"You were just a li'l ol' thing. I ain't surprised ye don't remember." Reluctantly, she released her from the embrace. "Let's clean up these apples."
...
Three hours later, Applejack and Applebloom were standing on a newly cleaned barn floor. Apple Bloom yawned and leaned against her. Wordlessly, Applejack leaned down, offering her back which Apple Bloom scampered up before Applejack laid on her belly. She yawned and rested her chin atop Applejack's head, giving in to sleep. Applejack stretched out. The work had been hard, but there hadn't been as many ruined apples as she'd feared. Apple Bloom was already snoring. Suppertime would be soon, but Applejack felt her sister had the right idea so she laid her head down in the hay and went to sleep.
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Did you mean 'eat and sell'?
10514429
English is hard.
10514432
I know. It's one of the toughest languages to learn thanks to its rules.
10514436
At least it isn't Welsh.
(I kid, I love my Welsh brethren, but ye don't need fifteen letters ye don't pronounce in every word.)
10514439
Mae'r Cymry yn eithaf anhygoel.
Arhoswch eiliad, ydych chi'n dod o'r DU?
10514436
English doesn't have rules. It only has a gazillion exceptions.
10514453
That's one way of putting it.
10514452
Wait are you really Welsh?
10514468
Nope. I'm a Midlander.
10514490
What did you write?
10514493
I like the Welsh too.
Wait, are you from the UK?
10514495
Ireland.
10514501
10514505
Fun.
10514507
Yup.
Love this! Perfect corner scene and feelings!
10514512
Thanks.
A cute little story.
10515520
Glad you liked it. What parts did you find most interesting? Were there any parts you felt could've been better?
So, first things first, kinda weird you have to make it a "fetish" tagged story. After all, fetish has sexual connotations. I write a fair amount of spankings, but man, a good portion of it is because where I grew up, everyone got whooped.
Eh well, I don't write ponies though. At least, not yet.
Not really a lot to unpack here, being a pretty short story, but if you want advice, I am great at picking apart minor stuff. So, none of this is story-killing stuff, as much as devils in the details.
Anyway: You do over mention the idea of someone getting spanked. Apple Bloom openly considers and realizes how it works, and there is also how there's the mention of Scootaloo, Diamond Tiara, even Sweetie Belle getting paddled. Because, it is a stretch to think of all three getting paddled, when usually school paddlings were actually rather rare. It was usually one step below suspension. After all, I don't believe the world revolves around buttspankings.
Alright, next thing to my attention: The idea of all the barrels fell. It's mentioned almost half of them fell, and that's a lot. Half would be devastating to a harvest, and even if a lot of them were saved, I have to imagine there has to be real repercussions from that. And I don't understand why she's out in the barn in the first place, where all the apples are at, instead of in her room. So, it comes across as a forced way to have Apple Bloom get a, um, a spankering.
Now, onto our main event of the evening, and this is where the best part of the review comes in, what matters most.
Overall: A bit of a lack of flow. I'd recommend switching up sentence types more, as you have a lot of similar length sentences together in that piece. You've got a good idea about using longer sentences when it comes to the more emotional parts, where she's focusing on the disappointment of her family.
I would say it's one of your more realistic spanking pieces. As this is one of those where Apple Bloom acts how a kid usually would. Taking a long time to arrive, and also not fully leaning in and just going with it, as much as just staying there nervous until pushed to raise her tail.
This spanking also does get a lot more build up than some of your others. I think if you had more of a lead in like this, you'd be able to have more thrilling short stories, and as it would feel more truly earned.
Stars: Well a star rating would just invalidate everything I say by trying to encapsulate it in meaningless symbols, when the true value should be in the above review.
10519874
Thanks for the review. I believe I mentioned that Apple Bloom was outside when it started to rain and the barn was the closest shelter. Where do you feel I could improve sentence length? Glad you like my longer sentences, I've been playing with them. (Also, I mentioned Sweetie and Scoots getting a time-out, not a paddling.) If it wasn't a comedy-type story, I probably would play with the idea of more repercussions for the loss of the apples. Hmm...btw, did I manage to have an emotional effect on the reader? Did you "feel" for Bloom?
And ask the mods about the fetish tag. I have no idea how it works since they insist on putting it on non-sexual stories. It's quite irksome, but I'm not going to fight over it, it's too silly.
10520006
While she is outside, wouldn't it make more sense just to run into the main house? It's not that much farther away. 2nd: Oh, I must have misread the time out/paddling thing.
On improving sentence length: Here's a paragraph showing what I mean.
You use the same words a lot in this paragraph for example, and that really hurts flow sometimes if not intentional. "ball beneath her" and beneath in general appears three times. Also, you use the word ball five times. The first sentence is fourteen words, then an eleven word sentence. Not bad. But afterwards is two 24 word sentences. And an eleven word sentence to end. So you use the same length sentences several times in a row.
If you mix the types of sentences: Simple, compound, complex, compound-complex, you'll add more of a flow.
Recommended changes goes to:
Eh, the flow's off in my example too, but flow's really hard to nail.
On feeling: Eh, maybe not particularly? Like, I'm not really all that emotional in the first place, and rather logical. Not anything against you, though.
10520874
I'll put it down to opinion, cause I like my version better than yours to be honest. No offense and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Took me long enough to read this. I regret not doing it sooner, because this was really good. I found i
heartwarming and adorable that Apple Bloom was still dead set on cleaning up even after she was punished. She made a bad decision, but she's a really good filly.
10529953
Probably the best hearted filly on the show.