• Member Since 17th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen 22 hours ago

ajvasquezbrony28


I'm am an autistic brony, looking to write fantasy and everyday life novels for my kind. I became a brony when I related well with applejack and twlight, and I love the show.

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On a three day weekend where, human, Octavia’s controlling parents are out of town, her new friend Sonata says she has a surprise! A trip to the pony world where she won’t have to worry about being judged, less by none other than her pony counterpart.
What follows is a weekend Octavia will not forget, as it will shape her future in many ways, some, she hadn’t planned on.

Written for A Most Delightful Ponidox
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/915967/contest-a-most-delightful-ponidox

], To hopefully be edited one last time before the deadline, although more wanted this out by now for reasons explained in the A/N if you’ll bare with mespecial thanks for per-reading help by TheSleeplessbeholder and for his marvelous cover art as always, and To NaiadSagaIotaOar for some great editing advice 📝

Consider supporting the work that I do https://ko-fi.com/theoneaj

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 12 )
Comment posted by JerseyWest deleted Sunday

Hi, I'm not sure your Ko-Fi link is working correctly? I usually see them link to the main page of someone's Ko-Fi, like the word 'viewers' on this one. Whereas yours is coming up with a login request :twilightoops:

10487293
I’m about to go to bed, but I promise to get back to you, and anyone else, with this in the morning, thank you :twilightsheepish:

This was a lovely read. Octavia's struggle with her parents, her relationship with Sonata, and what you said really resonated with me. I'm in some similar circumstances and it really is strenuous and hurtful. It's nice reading something that gives hope.

10487293
Should be working now, are you interested in sponsoring me?

10487795
That alone made me feel glad I decided to post this story then ^^
I promise things will get better. Without knowing if your circumstances, the first thing you should do that I didn’t mention in this story, is to fully, and objectively examine your situation. Try as much to understand what/why you are stressed as much as you can.
While I may disagree with my parents, I can at see where they are coming from with their concern about me. Short version of their main concerns is this fandoms reputation of child And sexual predators.
Although, once yOu have these facts, and if, say, one of the only outcomes may be to break ties with your family, know the consequences and prepare/be ready to acept them.
Having mine still love me is my main concern, but the majority that really was causing me stress was the financial help they were giving me to own my own house. Although when I first tired to move out, a lot of it was looking into what it would take/cost to live on my own/out of their house. It’s not cheap, but when you do the math it’s surprisingly not as daunting as you may think.
And so, once you have all that sorted out, you know what the stress is, understand, for better or worse, why the act the way they do, and have a plan to be able to deal with the consequences if they can’t accept your lifestyle, talk to them about it. Show you’ve mature and not just acting On a childish whim, and you may actually be surprised, or might finally realize there was never any point arguing with them to begin with. Either way, by that point, whatever the outcome, you will be happy with the results, and have a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.
I wish you well on yours, and to any others who read this and it may concerns, life journeys ❤️

10487857 Sorry, no, I just glanced at the story cover and saw the Ko-fi link was longer than the ones I usually see. I had a look though once you'd fixed it, followed it through to your Youtube channel and stuff. Your cat is pretty :twilightsmile:

It's always awkward judging something so deeply imbued with personal significance to the author. It feels almost intrusive to critique the literary merit here, like I'm criticizing your life. Still, these comments are how I keep track of the stories in my final judgement, so here we go:

You have a good concept, but it's lacking polish, and you start in the middle of the story. And not always in a good way. I do like how Octy's parents are felt without ever being seen, this oppressive presence looming over her even when she's in a different universe. Using her bow tie as a symbol for their grip on her was unexpected, but worked quite well. Likewise using the Pearl to give Sonata a form she can walk around in.

On the other hand, we don't get to see her relationship with Sonata build up to a romantic level, which undercuts the confession. You likely know the story there, but your audience doesn't. The story don't always flow organically from point to point or scene to scene, with the pacing getting bogged down at some points and racing through summaries in others. Plus, the story just needs another proofreading pass or two. (Also, the Tasty Treat definitely isn't Thai. Minor gripe, most notably because that world likely won't have a country called Thailand.)

Still, there's definite potential here, and a beautiful message. Thank you for it, and best of luck in the judging.

10491084
10491084
10491084
Oh it’s fine, and greatly appreciate. From the start I knew this was never going to win (And just now realizing as I was halfway done with this comment you were a judge 👩‍⚖️:/), And at best might a vague recommendation if reviewed by present perfect. If it wasn’t for what I said in the authors note, I wouldn’t of even published, and would of loved more time to work on it, but was bugged down by everything leading up to my mental health break through.
*present realizing your in charge of the contest* still, helps that you don’t entirely hate it ^^’ glad I was able to at least make it presentable, and maybe one day when I’m free (and the judging over) I’ll see to said Potential:3
Honestly my biggest regret of not having more time is not being able to paint a better picture of why Sonata and not Vinyl ❤️

Also, funny story there 🎀 ❤️ it was actually a last minute addition more thanks to my cover artist. Basically we needed a way to distinguish the two Octavia’s, and we had very little time to make too many changes, so I came up with that very idea on how if we put the bow tie on one, I’d find a way to make it symbolic. Although it wasn’t until I combed through my mental dictionary did I recall authors using her bow as a symbol of a leash, and realized I already had something going where, when they were both humans, I had described pony Octavia as dressing more as if she was a college student compared to human Octavia anyways. Although the bit with the heart necklace was just a little additional add on to that which I’m really glad you noticed ❤️

One quick tip:

With their lunch finished, the three ponies made their way down the shopping district first. Which, since the two teenage ponies had little to no Equestrian money, they did little more than window shop. Which wasn’t to say they didn’t have a good time looking at some of the many fine trinkets Eqeustria’s capital had to offer. However, as they entered the Canterlot Carousel Boutique, manned by Sassy Saddles, the two were taken aback as Tavia offered to buy them dresses for the following evening's performance.

Unless you're deliberately employing an echo effect for emphasis or to lead the reader down a series or a chain of thoughts, don't do this. You'll strengthen your writing in the long term by working to avoid re-using the same word in a single paragraph. In this case the repeated word actually causes mild mental confusion, since in this structure it implies negation or contradiction of the logical outcome of the previous statement. Here it feels like a double-switchback and muddles the scene you're trying to convey.

And when you do deliberately repeat a word, do so for a planned effect- to build a cadence, to echo something previous you want to call attention to, to show a character proceding through a train of thought, or to build up to a punchline, like this:

Chrysalis hated all of Ponyville, with its smug houses full of smug ponies. And she hated each and every individual pony in the town. She hated the buildings, including the smug shops, the smug town hall, the smug fountain converted to mini ice rink, everything. She especially hated the smug crystal castle just outside of town, with its smug alicorn princess and her smug friends with their smug rainbow friendship magic which, if any of them knew Chrysalis was on their smug little streets, they would use to smug her right in the face.

More so than most of Equestria, Ponyville had a major case, in Chrysalis’s mind, of smug pollution.

I have mixed thoughts about this story. I like the concept, but it seems as though things go a little wonky about as soon as the story starts. That and I see instances of grammar errors and broken punctuation; the scene breaks could stand to be centered or swapped with the [ HR ] tag, and the tense shifts around a fair bit. If you had the time and resources to clean it up, I think it would have been a pretty good story.

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