• Member Since 5th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen 33 minutes ago

Malandy


E
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This story is a sequel to Sharktavia i: Sharktavia Evolved


This story is a sequel to Unfriendly Competition.


What if Indigo Zap landed in Ravnica, but with ponies?

Well, Sunset Shimmer's about to find out, because she's coming back, and someone's hitching a ride.

Written as an entry for FoME's A Most Delightful Ponidox contest.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 2 )

A compound sequel? Can't say I was expecting that.

When a robotic dog came out of it, right when the students were arriving in the morning, almost everyone gave it a second glance, along with third, fourth, and fifth glances, since while it looked sort of like Spike, Twilight Sparkle's dragon-turned dog, everyone knew that he was made of flesh and blood, while this construct only approximated an animal's appearance.

This is a textbook example of wanton cruelty to the common comma.

It is not at all clear from context that "CopBot" is meant to be the local equivalent of Robocop. The rationale for Ravnican Shining looking more like something out of Kaladesh really needs to be in the text.

I'm sorry, but this is a mess. I could barely tell what was happening, and I wrote every story this leans on. There needs to be more lead-up, a clearer indication that this is the Oversaturated World early in the actual text, and... well, just more in general. So much happens with inadequate or completely missing explanations, and inadequately or completely lacking further exploration. Especially everything having to do with Indigo.

All told, your krasis hasn't fully gestated. It's still grafted onto its predecessors and unable to survive out of the incubation pod. Full standalone stories are held to a higher standard than Group Precipitation shorts, Malandy. I'm glad to see you branch out into longer-form fiction, but it needs more development time than what you've given it. Still, thank you for entering the contest. I hope this will be a valuable learning experience for you.

Too much is happening in too little space; this is hard to follow. And you've gotta tread carefully with the previously-established universes. I've read Oversaturation, but it was a while ago. I also don't know very much about Ravnica beyond the broad strokes. I have many questions about what's going on and nary an answer, at least to the ones I have.

For future endeavors, I'd recommend sticking with less complexity, at least until you know you've got the hang of supporting your ideas and getting them across to your audience clearly.

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