And Darkness Turn To Light

Twilight and her friends plan a nice camping trips. Unfortunately, a wild storm and a mysterious cave built by a long vanished civilization serve to turn the best weekend ever into the worst.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 13 )

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Mystic Sunrise

Mystic Sunrise #1 · Oct 12th, 2020 · 2 · · Chapter 1 ·

"Okay, Dash, but don't rush me, I want to check everything off." Twilight checked off the last items, put the scroll away, and started to trot. The others followed after her into the woods. Twilight and Rarity kept to a casual pace, the two Unicorns chatting with each other about nothing much at all, taking in the serenity of the forest. High above them the ancient branches, grown strong and powerful by weathering centuries' worth of storms, intertwined. The leaves shook in the wind which raked at Rarity's mane. She frowned. "Lovely surroundings, but perhaps I should've bought a ribbon. Oh! How is Spike? Will he not be joining us?"

I could be wrong, but this comes out like Twilight and Rarity are speaking in the same paragraph. A major faux paux if there ever was one, if it is.

And who says ponies made the burial cairns? More fun to no know for sure.

RoyalBardofCanterlot

RoyalBardofCanterlot #2 · Oct 12th, 2020 · 1 · · Chapter 1 ·

10477691
1. That's what ye call late night editing.

2. They've found non-Equine bodies in the cairns.

Nineveh Orion

Nineveh Orion #3 · Oct 12th, 2020 · · · Chapter 1 ·

After a few moments, they began moving again. While only the barest shafts of sunlight made their way down to sprinkle onto the forest floor, that light was beginning to be obscured as dark clouds moved in. Twilight looked up, consulted her map. "According to the map King Aspen gave Fluttershy, the Emerald Lake is about half a mile from here. We need to make camp soon, I don't like the look of those clouds."

You might need to clarify something here. If Twilight is a unicorn here, then they wouldn't know anything about the deer, would they? I thought Twilight was an alicorn by the time that train wreck of a comic arc happened.

Either that, or this is an AU (which needs the tag then). Or something fishy is going on here.

As for the burial cairns, I'd say minotuars by the size of the entrance. But that's too easy. Deer aren't that smart or cool. Might be ponies, but an extinct race of ponies.

I'd say giants though. Because that would be awesome.

RoyalBardofCanterlot

RoyalBardofCanterlot #4 · Oct 12th, 2020 · · · Chapter 1 ·

10478511
I had no idea that comic existed, I just heard the name on Derpibooru.

Nineveh Orion

Nineveh Orion #5 · Oct 12th, 2020 · · · Chapter 1 ·

10478517
You get six out of six facehooves for not properly doing your homework before adding that. I can hear Twilight screeching in pain from here.

If the line never amounts to anything in the story, then taking it out might be easier. Or go read the comic to properly know what you have the characters talk about.

RoyalBardofCanterlot

RoyalBardofCanterlot #6 · Oct 12th, 2020 · · · Chapter 1 ·

10478535
Anyway, what did you think of the character interactions? Am I building up the sense of danger/suspense well? How about the descriptions?

Nineveh Orion

Nineveh Orion #7 · Oct 12th, 2020 · · · Chapter 1 ·

10478542
Those worked great actually. I'm no expert on the subject though.

SamSwordsman123

SamSwordsman123 #8 · Oct 12th, 2020 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Nice start I say.

Mystic Sunrise

Mystic Sunrise #9 · Nov 13th, 2020 · · · Chapter 2 ·

An ebony Alicorn arose from where he had been slumbering. "And who, may I ask, are you? And why are you in my home?"

... ... ... Seriously? You had to go there? Celestia, Luna, Cadance, Twilight, and Flurry Heart, aren't enough? Very few stories ever do fan made alicorns right. Let alone boy alicorns.

Story is still great. But I'm not sold on this idea. Not yet anyway.

RoyalBardofCanterlot

RoyalBardofCanterlot #10 · Nov 13th, 2020 · · · Chapter 2 ·

10529208
I consider Alicorns to be a full tribe, just one that keeps to itself, concerned with higher things.
What parts did you like?

Mystic Sunrise

Mystic Sunrise #11 · Nov 13th, 2020 · · · Chapter 2 ·

10529215
Everything up until the end was good. If you can convincingly make that idea work in story, it'll help. I'm skeptical at the moment. But that's just me.

BloodLustShade