A Distant Dream

by Sennerazen

6: Love

Fluttershy paced around the map in Twilight's castle as she often did after visiting Discord. Three weeks earlier, she had spent almost an hour with him, playing card games and relaxing in each other's company, but she had hid her new family from him and was wracked with guilt. Returning to Ponyville and everyone in it seemed a cold, harsh slap in the face that she could not quite recover from.

"You're awful, all of you," Fluttershy cried. "I'm sick of it. I'm sick of you."

“Stop it, Fluttershy,” Twilight said in her sternest voice. “That’s enough.”

“You like him because you feel sorry for him," said Rainbow.

Fluttershy pressed her hands to her temples, bending forward.

"Fluttershy," Twilight began, laying her hand on Fluttershy's back.

Fluttershy shoved her hand away. "Stop smothering me."

Rarity looked from Fluttershy to their friends. "That cruel monster. He's so selfish."

“He's not cruel. If he used to be, he’s not anymore. Every time I come back you all harp on me. Stop."

“You’re always crying and angry when you come home," said Twilight.

"Yeah, forgive us for being worried," said Rainbow, arms folded over her chest.

“He’s gentle." She rounded on the princess. "Sometimes he loses his temper, but he’s frustrated. I think he wants to be better- he is - but he can’t use it. I don’t know." She hit slapped her hands onto the map. "I can’t say it in a way that makes sense.”

“Can’t use it, or won't?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “Maybe he’s getting bored with me," she said, defeated. "I don’t think Celestia lets him see anyone else. I know you all still hate him, but I don’t. We understand each other. We’re friends.”

Pinkie choked on her cider, but had the decency not to comment.

“We are."

“And then you leave and you’re sick,” Twilight said, still the only one obviously worried. “It’s not okay. It’s not right.”

“Celestia knows, and so do I,” Fluttershy said, irritated. “That’s why it’s only once a year.”

“And you’re okay with being sick and sad and in pain for a month? To all your friends? To your husband? Your son? ”

“Twilight-”

“Don’t get mad at her, Fluttershy,” Applejack said. “This is how it starts.”

Fluttershy bit her lip hard, feeling the roiling anger in her chest.

“If Celestia tells you it’s all residual, then maybe she really believes that, but I don’t,” said Twilight. “I know you miss him and get agitated, but you’re also in physical pain. I hate seeing you suffer.”

“I’m not suffering.”

“Yes, you are. It breaks my heart, Fluttershy.” Twilight’s eyes sparkled with tears. “I’m not saying he does it on purpose, but something isn’t right. I’ve already gone to Celestia.”

“What? ”

“While you were bedridden.”

“You had no right.”

“Fluttershy,” wailed Pinkie, “we’re your friends. ”

Twilight held up her hands. “She won’t stop you from seeing him, but she wants you to stay at the castle for a few weeks this time. Her doctors can look after you.”

“You can bring your baby-”

“I’m not staying at the castle,” said Fluttershy. “I don’t like it there any more than Discord does.”

“I’m afraid it’s not up to you,” Twilight said quietly. “Fluttershy, I know if one of us were in your position, you’d do exactly the same thing.”

“Please don’t leave angry,” said Rarity.

“We love you,” Pinkie cried, lying on her belly across the table and gripping the edge.

Fluttershy hardly heard them. "It's a year away. She won't even remember."

"Fluttershy," snapped Twilight. "You can't save him. It's not up to you."

Fluttershy stared at her friend with a mixture of fury and hurt. Twilight took hold of her wrists. "I know how much you want to help him," she said, more gently, "but don't torture yourself over someone who has to save himself. You've done nothing wrong."

Though she tried to fight, her body would not move, and she was frozen and shaking when the rest of her friends surrounded her, embracing her together.

***

“What a display,” Celestia told Discord, disgusted. Dramatically stormy ocean waves crashing against the other side of the crystal walls, like a fish tank in a hurricane. Celestia was ask but glaring at him, but he was used to it after so many centuries. “And after all this time, I thought you’d actually appreciate her.”

“As if you give one whit about me.” Discord stretched his legs as much as he was able and yawned.

“I do. If you’d stop feeling sorry for yourself, you’d figure it out one of these days.”

“What do you want, Celestia?” He sounded mostly tired, with only a slight edge.

"She will see you tomorrow. You know what I'll say."

"I don't do anything to her."

"She's married, you know. She has a baby."

Discord raised his head, searching the princess' face. "That was fast."

"She was already married the last time she came here. She had her baby about six months ago."

He lower his head again.

Celestia watched the raging waves behind the walls. "Settle your emotions. Control yourself."

"I have none."

"You're angry already."

"Oh, leave me be, you old harpy."

"What you show off behind these walls, I can tell exactly how you feel. Don't you think she deserves to see you when you're not in a rage? Don't you like her?"

Discord close this eyes and tried to sleep, ignoring her.

"Don't hurt her." Celestia left the room, slamming the door behind her.

***

The next year, three days before Hearth's Warming was cold and dreary, with snow and rain plunging down in random, plump drops. Fluttershy dressed in her best winter dress of dark green wool trimmed in silver and gold threads. Tights, boots, and her pale cream coat completed the look, and she was warm and happy when she said goodbye to her husband and son and made her way to the train station.

The ride to Canterlot seemed shorter than usual, though she was lost in thought, her mind running off in different tangents as she imagined what Discord had been up to for the past year. Did he miss her as terribly as she missed him? She pressed the seat in front of her with her boots as if it would make the train go faster.

She barely greeted Celestia and jumped through the doorway once the guards opened it, but she skidded to a halt when she saw Discord, with his hair covering his face as it had the first time she'd met him. Behind the crystal walls was an ever-changing menagerie of colors and places Fluttershy had never even fathomed before, and she was momentarily hypnotized.

He lifted his head and looked at her as if hardly seeing her and she ran to his side.

“Oh, Discord, a year is too much. I really missed you,” she said nervously, unsure why he was looking at her that way.

“Imagine that.”

She smiled and held out something wrapped in green tissue paper. “I didn’t give you a proper gift last time. Happy Hearth's Warming.”

“I didn’t get you anything.”

“I don’t need anything. Open it.”

Discord set the present aside. “You look different. Your hair is shorter.”

Fluttershy absently felt the ends of her hair, which now reached just past her shoulders. “It was getting too hard to take care of.”

“You had a baby.”

She let go of her hair. “How- how did you know?”

Discord shrugged. “Celestia told me. And about your husband.”

“I-I’m sorry,” she said, stricken. “I wanted to tell you-”

“You don’t have to tell me anything.”

Fluttershy squeezed her hands into fists. “Then what about you? How have you been?” Her eyes strayed to his right hand, which again was almost completely locked in stone.

Seeing her confused disappointment, Discord said lightly, “Been a rough year.”

“Yes.”

“Your husband. He's good to you?”

Her throat was parched, but she nodded.

His hair was long again, but she did not get her scissors. His eyes were still red and bruised-looking. She touched her palm to his forehead; his eyes darted in every direction and he tensed, not knowing what she planned to do.

“Are you all right?” he asked.

“Of course.” Fluttershy dropped her hand.

“Celestia tells me you’re troubled whenever you leave. She yells at me, actually. Calls me all a manner of insulting things. Where's my union rep?"

She brushed her hair behind her ears. “She exaggerates.” She held out her arms and looked them over, then turned once. “See? Good as new.”

“I can’t control it all,” he said tiredly.

“I’m too sensitive, maybe,” she said, clasping her hands together.

He shook his head, troubled. The waves behind the walls, on occasion, crashed in cacophonies around them, but Fluttershy did her best to keep her attention only on Discord.

“If I could see you every day, I’d be here."

He sat back. “Why?”

His sincere confusion made her heart ache. “Because we’re friends. I like spending time with you. Don’t you?”

“Yeah, but I… I mean, I guess.”

“Then we are friends.”

He whistled. “That’s all it takes, huh?”

“Mhm.”

"I see. Five, six years? Sitting in a magically-locked cell... talking to a girl once a year. I'll be sure to write it down once Celestia gives me a journal and a pen."

Fluttershy's smiled broadened and she reached across him to pick up his gift. "Why don't you open it now?"

"More contraband?" He raised an eyebrow and picked away at the paper with his fingers.

"I asked Celestia this time" She bit her lip before saying, "Would you like me to cut your hair? I'm sorry I didn't do it last time."

He shook his head and, at length, unwrapped a black bound journal and a shiny black pen. He turned the pen in his fingers. "And what will you think if I stab her neck?"

She took the pen from him. "Please don't. Don't even joke about it. Here." She tucked the pen into the spine of the journal and set it on his lap.

When he flipped through the pages, Discord rolled his eyes. "I see nothing written here. Is it magic? A joke?"

"You write whatever you want in it. You can write down what you want to; how you feel, or even how angry Celestia makes you."

"Oh, very angry."

"Or you can write about what you do here all year, and then next year I'll know."

He looked as if he wanted to protest, but lay his hand on the journal instead. "It will be riveting. Thank you."

Fluttershy brushed her hair back, then clasped her hands together before laying her hand on Discord's free one. Something in her made her nervous, where she had never felt that way with him before. She licked her lips. "Hey," she said, sitting on the arm of the throne and pushing his arm from it with her hips. "I can sing for you. Do you want to hear some Hearth's Warming songs?"

"Songs?" He blinked. "Hearth's Warming?"

"I love to sing, didn't I tell you?"

He merely looked at her as if he didn't quit recognize her.

Fluttershy cleared her throat and began in a high, quiet voice, "Silent night, starry night, all is calm, all is bright..."

She closed her eyes as she sang, letting a warmth cover her and relaxing her newfound nerves. When she finished, she found Discord had his own eyes closed, and she feared he had fallen asleep. When she edged her way off the arm, she felt his hand on her back and stopped.

"Another one," he said, eyes still closed.

Thrilled by his acceptance, she pushed herself from the throne's arm half onto him, trying to wedge herself between him and the side of the chair. Discord protested and, not knowing how to touch or not to touch her, flailed as best he could against his binds, trying to remove himself completely.

He gasped and stuttered, but she was nearly aside him now and had no interest in moving. "There," she said. "I'll do 'Jingle Bells."

Before Discord could open his mouth, she burst into a rousing rendition of the song, lightly bouncing in her seat. Discord, who was pressed unceremoniously against the other side of the throne, leaned away from her as she sang, though by the end of it his free hand was settled in his lap and not grasping at air.

"Well? Did you like it?" she asked when she'd finished singing.

When she faced him, smiling, he flinched. "Fluttershy, what are you doing?"

"I'm just so happy to see you. And it's almost Hearth's Warming; I want you to know what it feels like, being with ones you... ones you care about."

"I see," he said, still sort of gasping from being pressed to the side. "Beautiful. Lovely. Can you get off?"

She wriggled her way from his side, but before standing she turned her head and pecked his cheek. She swung her legs out and hopped from the throne back to her feet.

He touched his cheek. "Why do you keep doing that?"

"I'm sorry," she said, her exuberance fading. "I should have asked."

"No, but why are you doing it?"

"Because I like you." Her smile returned. "And it's the holidays, and everyone's happy during the holidays. I want to share it with you."

"Kissing?"

"Feeling..." She couldn't quite say the word. "Feeling important. Feeling cared for. Because you are important to me. I hope you know that."

She could almost see his face catching up with his brain and after a minute he sighed. "Go ahead, then."

"Another song?"

"No bouncing."

She sat on the arm of the throne again and held his hand as she sang through her repertoire of Hearth's Warming ballads. By the final one, his grip on her hand matched hers.

"There you have it," she said when she had finished. "I thought I knew more than this, but I can't believe I never sang for you before. I'll have to practice some new ones for next year."

"Next year?" He peeled one eyelid open. "Right."

"I'll practice more. A year seems like a long time, and it is, but it's kind of not that long."

Discord let go of her hand. "Why not make it five?”

“Five?”

“I'll still be here; does it matter?"

She stood up. “But I’m hardly here as it is.”

“I’m not angry. Let’s just have a break.”

“A break... from what? We aren’t doing anything.”

He shook his head, refusing her gaze. "Fluttershy-"

“Please don't turn me away. Every time I come here I ask you not to, and you try to do it anyway."

He drummed his fingers on the arm of his throne. "I'm not getting out of here anytime soon. Maybe not ever. You don't have to waste your time."

"It's not a waste of time. I just told you I like seeing you; you know that by now."

"You come, you go." He shrugged, but his eyes were narrowed. "This year, and the next."

Fluttershy recognized his expression as one he had shown her last year, almost as if he wanted to cry but had never done so before and therefore his body did not know how to do it.

She knelt in front of him. "A year is better than never at all. I could; never do that, Discord. And I don't want you to forget about me."

"Forget?"" He spoke with such disgust, she leaned back. His wild eyes were on her, but he realized himself and looked at the ceiling instead. "That's not what I mean."

"I adore you. We have such fun together. I want to keep having fun together."

"Celestia was right, as much as I hate to admit it. You can't save me.” He tugged his right hand, glued to the arm of the throne.

“Save? I'm not here to-”

“It is why you came here. And you did,” Discord said with finality.

“Discord-”

“Don’t. I don't understand you when you start talking like this."

She covered his encased hand with her own; he turned his face away. “I know things aren’t the way… I know," she said. "I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to do.”

When he glanced at her, he found her crying again. “For hell’s sake, Fluttershy, you don’t need to cry.”

“H-hormones.”

“What?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“How many kids do you want? ”

She ran her forearm across her eyes. “I love him."

He sighed. “Save some water and salt for that baby.”

“I can’t do this,” she whispered, her voice trembling. "When I think about you, I feel like there’s something inside my head breaking me, or blocking me. When you're upset, so am I. I can feel it."

“Fluttershy-”

“It hurts. ”

“Fluttershy. Go home.”

“No." She wiped her eyes again. "I just got here.”

“Your family needs you, and not like this."

“And I need you. I can’t help it.” She wiped her eyes again.

He produced a starched handkerchief and handed it to her as one corner of his lips turned up. “Despite your best efforts?”

“No.” She covered her wet face with the handkerchief. “No efforts. The truth is..."

“Go home and stay there. I’m not going anywhere. Your grandchildren will probably know me.”

He flinched from her again when he saw her reach for him, and she wrapped her arms around his neck and held him, her cheek pressed against his. After a brief hesitation, she felt his arm wrap around her back. It held little tension, but after another moment his hand lightly pressed against her side.

She could barely get her voice out. “I don't want that.”

“Go home.” He snaked his arm back around and grabbed her upper arm, pushing her away.

“I can't. I missed you, so much.”

“I would miss me, too.” His voice turned from something ragged to slight amusement.

Fluttershy sniffled. “Are you trying to cheer me up? You've never done that before.”

“You always cry on me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t mind,” he said, his eyes still on her. “You're the one who's always sad. I don't like seeing you this way."

She lowered the handkerchief. "I'm sorry."

"Not like that; what are you apologizing for? I want you to be happy."

Fluttershy touched his arm. "I just can't stand seeing you in here. It breaks my heart."

"Hearts break, do they? Such fragile things you all are."

She lifted his arm and held it against her chest. "Do you feel it? My heartbeat. I'm alive, Discord, and so are you."

He didn't move and she let him go, her mind racing. What could he feel? What did he miss? Could he even comprehend the love she felt for him? Was it something he could have? And as for herself... what was she expecting of him? They were both exactly where they were when they first met, yet even they had changed. She took a step back.

Discord still watched her. "You're tired."

She covered her eyes with her hands and gasped, "Yes." Her head hurt.

"Go lie down."

She took another step back. "Yes."

She was about to turn around when he reached out and clasped her hand in his, drawing her to him and pressed his face against her shoulder, squeezing her against him.

"D- are you all right?" she asked when she found her voice; his grip was almost painful. She put one hand against his back and one against the back of the throne to steady herself.

"Happy Hearth's Warming," he said gruffly.

When he let her go she tried saying goodbye, but he had hidden his face with his hair again and did not move even when she opened the cell door.

***

Discord hadn't slept in two days; Fluttershy had that effect on him. It was at once a pleasant and painful feeling, one he could not name, but it kept him sleepless until even his immortal body was too tired to go on. To calm his electric mind, he remember her singing, replaying her voice over and over again as if it were a prayer from a pilgrim to an unknown god.

He remembered, too, how her body felt when she touched him, and the warmth of her when she sat beside him; he clenched and unclenched his fist. Finally at his wit's end, he decided to open the journal she had given him and write something- anything- down, but he then heard the bolts and chains of the cell door come apart.

He expected the guards or even Celestia, but when Celestia pushed her way past the guards, she was pulling Fluttershy through the doorway. “Look,” she said to Discord, who had just lifted his head. “Look at her.”

Fluttershy was fighting Celestia as best she could, her face red and covered in tears, but the princess held her steady. Discord sat rigid, his eyes wide.

“Well? Believe me now? You really want to see her like this? You’re changing, aren’t you?” Celestia gave him her most withering look and half-dragged Fluttershy out of the room with her.

“Put her to bed. Don’t leave her alone even for a minute,” Celestia told the doctor waiting for them, then leaned back into the cell and spat, “Pull yourself together. Straighten out that warped mind of yours before you do something you’ll reallyregret.”

The door slammed shut and he was alone again, unmoving.

***

Fluttershy was no more able to sleep at the castle than at her own home after visiting Discord, so she donned her robe and wandered the halls and stairways of the castle after midnight. She'd spent over a week under the princess's watchful eye and, with patience and medicine, slowly began to feel like herself again. She was tired of being in bed all day and all night and this was her second night prowling the abandoned corridors and rooms in the moonlight.

She had turned the corner walking from another guest room to glass doors of the solarium when a dark figure caught her attention; her heart leaped against her chest until she recognized Princess Luna's serene form. She was standing on a balcony, looking out over the land. Her hair floated around her with a myriad sparkles, and Fluttershy watched it for a while, mesmerized.

Then she found she could not bear the anxiety of waiting for the princess to notice her and said, “Princess Luna?”

The princess turned her head, expressionless. “Oh. You’re… Fluttershy. My sister said you’d be staying here for a while.”

Fluttershy nodded.

“Having trouble sleeping?”

She nodded again. “I’'m only really comfortable when I’m at home.”

Luna leaned back on the banister, supported by her elbows. “You’re the one who talks to Discord.”

Fluttershy hugged herself and sat against the railing. The night was growing colder and she shivered. “Sometimes.”

“My sister speaks of you. Are you not well?”

“Princess, you’ve been where he is. Being away from the world for so long?"

“I was not locked in a room.”

“I know, but I feel like you might understand him.”

Luna made a slight sneering movement with upper lip. “We fought him and imprisoned him. I do not know him. Celestia is the one who keeps her eye on him.”

“But you had trouble adjusting since you recovered. What helped you?”

Luna straightened. “Patience from my sister. Twilight Sparkle and all of you. To be honest, Fluttershy, I still feel like an outsider.”

“You do?”

“I missed a thousand years, as he did.” She nodded toward the corridor. “I can’t get them back. Everything is different, and so is everyone. I cannot get my bearings.”

“I had no idea you felt this way.”

Luna considered her. “You enjoy his company?”

A small knot in Fluttershy’s middle tightened. She nodded.

“I find that interesting. Especially because it’s you.”

Luna’s habit was bluntness to the point of insult, but Fluttershy found she could bear it; the night air was soothing. “Me?”

“You are so quiet. You’re weak. My sister tells me you used to literally be afraid of your own shadow.”

Fluttershy stretched her legs out. “I was. But Discord… I’m not afraid of him.”

“Why is this?”

She gave a short laugh. “My best friends don’t even understand why. Sometimes I don’t understand, either.”

“He does not threaten you?”

“No. Never. I think I confuse him.” She twiddled her thumbs, staring at them with great interest. "He's nice to me. As nice as I think he can be, anyway."

“I have no memories of him 'nice'.'

“He is," Fluttershy implored Luna. "Now, even more so."

“I am having trouble imagining this, but then, I am not sure why it matters what my sister thinks.”

Fluttershy rubbed her eyes. “She says I’m unwell after I see him.”

“Are you?”

Fluttershy focused on her toes. “I don’t feel quite right. Something happens when I'm in there with him. It doesn't scare me, but later... ” She paused, remembering Twilight's words. "But it's just his chaos magic, isn't it?"

Luna sat beside her. “His is very old magic. I cannot comprehend its depth, but I do know some of the damage it can cause.”

“But I always get better," she said, raising her head. "I can stand not feeling well for a few weeks if I can help him. I would never complain.”

“You are very noble, fair Fluttershy.”

“No,” she said, hugging herself to keep warm. “I want to see him. He’s my friend.”

“Friend? ...As you are with Twilight Sparkle and Applejack?”

"We are friends, it's only that no one gets to see it."

"No?" Luna's expressionless face rather irked Fluttershy.

"I feel like I’ve known him my entire life. I could sit with him for hours."

Luna smiled. “Then he surely is not trying to hurt you.”

“I know he isn’t, but Celestia doesn’t believe us.”

“You want him out?” Luna said, eyeing her.

“Of course I want him out. Seeing him only once a year… I could see him every day if she’d let me.”

“She is not likely to allow that.”

Fluttershy shrugged. “Discord hates her.”

Luna made a strange noise, not unlike a laugh. “He throws things at her. But he’s troubled, Fluttershy. There is a great deficiency in him.”

“Isn’t that what I’m here for? To help him fix it?”

“It seems so. However, he must want to be fixed. Perhaps it is this deficiency which affects you so.”

"So it's not his fault."

"Perhaps it is and perhaps it is not. Perhaps it is both." Lifting her chin, the princess said, “Do not despair. He must appreciate your company if he does not turn you away, and you do not seem agitated to me."

Fluttershy gripped the balcony and scanned the treetops below. “You didn’t see me ten days ago. I hardly remember it myself.”

“It must be difficult,” said Luna, joining her, “being exposed to his kind of power. That is something I do remember.”

Fluttershy’s grip tightened so much she was shaking. ”It hurts. It’s painful, in every way I can think of, and it gets worse. It’s like my heart turns inside out. Every part of my body seizes and then breaks apart, over and over again. It’s unbearable.”

“How do you feel now?”

She let go of the balcony, her hands tingling. “Tired. Helpless. I am helpless.”

“It is true that you cannot wield such magic.”

“It’s not that; no one cares about him. No one cares if he lives or dies, not really. No one cares if he’s happy or sad... if he actually wants to live or... end it all. But I do.”

Luna extended her hand to Fluttershy, who took it, relieved by its warmth. "I think I would have liked to know you during my confinement."

"Me? Why?"

"You see him. You listen. You give him the best parts of you. Perhaps everyone deserves that chance, don't you think?"

"Chance?"

"To feel love."

Absently, Fluttershy touched her neck. She was tired enough of crying without others bringing it up, and let out a long, exhausted sigh when she felt a tear spill down her cheek again. "I don't... think he can feel it."

Luna squeezed her hand and guided her back into the castle. "Maybe one day he will."