Broken, but not lost (Under Heavy Editing)

by Spazz Kid

Chapter Two (Old)

Niro limped down the road.

The pain in his chest had been escalated. The reason being; the filly had rejected his offer for her to come with him.

Niro had looked back as he walked away, the filly sat there, sitting, and staring at her dead mother, completely silent.

He didn't really know how to react to the depressing sight, so he looked forward. He tried to push it to the back of his mind.

He continued trotting down the street, trying to think of other things. It was very difficult.

Niro had seen a lot of very depressing and heart-shattering things ever since this whole thing started; ponies lost their homes, families starve, and, of course, plenty of deaths. But still. it hurt every time.

Every.

Single.

Time..

---

Niro couldn't believe it. It's too good to be true...

Niro had found a literal god-send; a lost barrel of food. FULL.

He acted on instinct, wrapping his front hooves around the large, colorless, wooden container.

He forced energy into his wings, causing them to flex feebly, and lifted them as high as he could.

Right before he attempted to take off, he suddenly stopped.

"Wait...," He thought, This isn't mine. I shouldn't take this.

He mentally kicked himself.

Do it, Something within his mind said, Whoever this barrel belongs to, they obviously forgot about it.

But... this is stealing! Stealing is wrong!

So? This is the apocalypse, get used to it. You should be used to it already...

Who... who are you?

Hm...., the voice said, with faux thought. Call me.... Disharmony.

Niro couldn't think of a response. His stomach growled, ultimately making his decision for him.

Forcing strength through his wings, Niro flapped them. Pain suddenly shot through his system, making his eyes water more they already were against the cold.

Trying as hard as he could, he took off.

It felt as if someone had set his wings on fire.

---

Somehow, Niro had made all the way home by flying.

About halfway, his wings stopped hurting so much, and it was pretty much a leisure trip, despite the cold.

He bursts through the door, panting. He sets the barrel down, turns around, and shuts the door. He took off his coat and threw it onto the floor.

He was about to pop the lid off before...

" Hey, " A voice said. A very familiar voice...

Niro spun around.

His eyes widened. There was a creature sitting in the chair across from the one he was sitting in before. It had red eyes, that was the first thing Niro noticed. It had armor on, and it had dragon claw like things at the end of its arms. It was smiling at him, flashing shiny white teeth. There was a silver insignia emblazoned on the breastplate of the armor; it looked like the symbol for the Elements of Harmony, but it had a crack down the middle. Another thing Niro noticed was how similar the thing's hair was to his mane.

"Take a seat." it said, gesturing towards the chair in front of him.

Niro hesitated for a moment before walking forward, and sitting down on the chair.

They stared at each other. The creature closed it mouth. It had dark grey skin. It leaned back in the chair.

"Who-"

" Disharmony. " It interrupted. "And you're Niro."

Niro gulped. "How did you know?"

"I'm basically a god, so....." It said, causing Niro to do a metal backflip. " And that answers your other question of what I am. " Niro stared at it. " Don't stare. It's rude. "

Niro quickly looked away.

It was silent for a few moments.

It chuckled, "well this is.... awkward. "

Niro nodded, looking at the floor.

"So," Disharmony began, " Any questions? "

All of a sudden, Niro's mind filled with thousands. They swarmed within his mind like bees around a hive.

"Hurry it up. My time here is limited."

Niro looked up, " Why? "

" Well, " It looked up, thinking a little bit, " Harmonia would kill me if she - wait! Why am I telling you this? Anyway, I'm the one that gave you the barrel. "

Harmonia?

"Why me?" Niro asked.

" I have a feeling about you, kid. "

" W-what? "

" Oh yeah! I just realized how cliche that sounds! Oh well... " It stood up, towering over Niro. " I ought to be going. Please do try and savor that, that's all you're getting. Oh, and don't tell ANYONE about this. "

With a loud CRACK it was gone.

Niro looked at the barrel again.

The hunger must really be getting to his head. He's starting to see things!

Comments

[EverfreePony]

Alright, I found this story by chance, and so far, I’m rather liking it. The wording is rather simple, but I think it fits and somewhat compliments this surreal apocalyptic world this is set in. (I definitely have to check out Colourless!) There were a few rough spots that stood out to me, notably some missing words, shifts between past and present tense, and some grammatically rough sentences. Also, there’s no need for the extra spaces in dialogue next to quotation marks. I believe that fixing all this should be really easy, and it should immensely contribute to the story’s quality

[Spazz Kid]

10474918
Thanks, I'll make sure to fix it!

[EverfreePony]

10475230
You’re welcome! Let me know if you ever need anything.