• Published 25th Sep 2020
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Auntie Tia's Matchmaking Service - Shaslan



Princess Celestia has retired, but that doesn't mean her little ponies have stopped needing her. She puts her skills to good use in her new business, but her new clients are tough customers. Have Celestia's matchmaking abilities met their match?

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Chapter 24

Celestia was having a pleasantly quiet morning. Not one, but two couples had told her that very morning that they had made their choices and were ready to tie the knot. She had spent a very satisfying two hours finalising their files and moving them out of her cabinet of active clients. She loved this part of the process; after all the disappointments, frustrations, and failed matches, when she managed to introduce her little ponies to the one that they wanted, and they were able to spread their wings and fly away from her services together. It was the most rewarding part of her job.

She had just floated the files into the in-tray in Raven Inkwell’s office, ready for her to record in Celestia’s private records, when she heard the outer door bang open. Celestia frowned. Who could that be? Her next appointment was not due for another hour.

She returned her attention momentarily to the files. Two wonderful pairs of ponies, well matched both in temperament and in their goals. The families supported the matches, and the wedding dates would be set soon. Celestia thought eagerly of the two wedding invitations that would surely be in the post soon. She loved weddings, loved them with a passion. There was nothing that could match the aura of hope and optimism that pervaded the wedding of a happy couple with a bright future ahead of them. Celestia had attended weddings beyond count over her countless centuries on Equus, and had participated in a few dozen of her own. But each occasion was unique, a wonderful shining day that would never be repeated, and they were the one type of party that she never tired of.

She heard the door slam shut again, and the thud of angry hooves on the floor.

“Celestia!” A furious voice rang out, and Celestia’s cheerful mood evaporated as quickly as the dew on a summer morning. She knew exactly who that voice belonged to.

Almost reluctantly, she moved towards the door that connected her office to Raven’s. She was equipped with a solution to this particular problem — finally — but she still took no pleasure in the prospect of facing it.

She paused before the door, drew herself up to her full height, and took in one last calming breath. She schooled her face into a calm and welcoming smile, and slowly opened the door.

The pony standing in her office, wings flared aggressively, swung baleful blood-red eyes towards her.

Celestia spoke first, her tone as gracious as if it were Twilight herself come to visit. “Cozy Glow. How lovely. I was planning to write to you today to ask you to visit me. Won’t you take a seat?”

Cozy Glow jerked her gaze away. “I will not.

Celestia’s eyes widened slightly, but she only dipped her head in assent. “…Very well. I do have a new matter to discuss with you, Cozy Glow, but it appears that you have something else on your mind?”

Cozy Glow’s face twisted into an ugly scowl. “You could say that.”

“Would you like to tell me what is wrong?” Celestia always strove for patience and tolerance, but sometimes it was a challenge to meet one’s own high standards.

Those red eyes locked onto hers once more. Cozy Glow’s peach flanks heaved with exertion. She had clearly flown hard. “I’ve come to tell you exactly what I think of you.”

Celestia swallowed and slowly settled herself into her armchair. As covertly as she could, she lit her horn with the spell to check for any magical threats close by. She could detect nothing, and let out a breath that she had inadvertently been holding. Cozy Glow did not have any amulets or ancient artefacts on her. She was simply a very angry pegasus.

As the magic faded, a feeling of guilt overtook Celestia. Everypony was entitled to feel their emotions, even somepony who had once made…questionable moral choices. She owed it to all her little ponies to hear them out. Even if they were not fond of her. Even if she was not fond of them. She shouldn’t be checking Cozy Glow for weapons; Cozy’s decades of normal participation in civic life had earned her that much at least.

“Please, Cozy Glow,” she said, as softly as she could, “Go ahead. I am listening.”

“I think you and your arranged marriage service are full of manure,” Cozy Glow spat. “Your ideals are flawed — you push ponies together with no regard for the consequences. You promise to be everypony’s auntie and help us all, but you’re still just the same old Princess Celestia, passing judgement on us little mortals from your lofty perch. I think you promise to find ponies love, when all you can offer is rejection after rejection after rejection!” She stopped, her chest rising and falling hard, and Celestia was shocked to see those red eyes glittering with moisture.

“Cozy Glow, I—” she began, but Cozy didn’t let her finish.

“Mama promised me that if anypony could help me find someone who could love me it was you. That you cared about all of us, even ponies like me. With my history. But all you’ve given me is the matches that you think will hurt me the most!”

Celestia looked at that sad little pink figure, and for the first time her heart went out to Cozy Glow. She had been a monster, it was true. Perhaps she still was. But she was a monster shaped by Celestia’s own ponies and the world she had built, and despite everything, she felt for her.

Cozy Glow looked down, fighting with furious tears, and Celestia took the opportunity to speak. “That was never my intention, Cozy Glow. I promise you that I am truly sorry if the ponies that I matched you with wounded you. I was doing my best to meet the criteria that you and Rarity gave me.”

Cozy Glow’s eyes flashed again. “It’s all just lies. Family, love, friendship! It’s all made up! It’s a currency that you ponies in power hoard to yourselves, and you leave the rest of us out in the cold!” She showed Celestia her teeth, a rictus grin of desperate hunger. “Nopony has ever offered me so much as a hoof-full of kindness but Mama. The rest of you have just done your best to trample me into the dirt!”

Celestia’s brows came together in a frown of concern, but she held her tongue. Cozy Glow clearly needed to have her say.

“Equestria isn’t a fair place to live — its all about magic,” Cozy Glow continued, pacing back and forth as she spoke. “Nopony wants you unless you can do magic, unless you’re good and kind and magical enough to meet all these invisible criteria that no pony ever warns you about — not until it’s too late!”

Celestia reached out a hoof to Cozy Glow. An offer of reconciliation. “I am sorry for my part in what has happened to you, Cozy. I can promise you that I mean that.”

Cozy Glow stared at the hoof as though it were a poisonous snake. “How could I ever believe you?”

Lowering her hoof, Celestia ventured one more question. “Has anything in particular happened that has made you feel this way, Cozy Glow?”

Cozy Glow snorted. “My entire life, Princess.” But her bravado was less convincing now; her feathers trembled, and Celestia knew that she was close to breaking through. Cozy Glow was like a balloon with almost all the air gone.

“I mean…recently,” Celestia persisted. “Since we last met, perhaps.”

Cozy Glow suddenly wilted all at once, sinking to her haunches and drawing in on herself until she resembled the sweet little foal that had taken in poor Twilight Sparkle. “Fine,” she said, in a small voice. “Yes. Something did.”

Celestia slid off the edge of her chair and cautiously — moving as slowly and carefully as if Cozy Glow were a hungry manticore — cautiously edged closer. “Would you like to tell me what it was?”

Cozy Glow’s ringlets quivered, and then to Celestia’s shock, a tear ran down her muzzle. It fell with a fat plop to the ground, and Celestia stared at it, stunned. A second followed it, and a third, and then Celestia recovered herself and hastened forward.

As she reached the pegasus’ side, Cozy Glow instinctively shied away, her face twisting into a grimace. Celestia ignored it all — as well as her own private misgivings — and enfolded Cozy in her wings, like she would a foal. To her surprise, Cozy Glow made no attempt to push her away, and finally leaned in a little and allowed herself to weep in earnest.

Celestia made small soothing sounds in her throat and let the filly cry. She wondered if she should perhaps attempt to stroke Cozy’s hair, but decided against it. She wasn’t altogether sure she would escape with her hoof unbitten if she pushed Cozy Glow too far.

“It’s just—” Cozy Glow sniffed noisily, and Celestia hastily levitated a white handkerchief embroidered with a golden sun over from her desk. She offered it to Cozy Glow, who took it without thanks.

“It’s just that I—” she sniffled again and blew loudly. “The one intelligent pony I’ve met through this whole mess said no to me today. I thought — I thought that I was connecting with somepony. But was all just in my head, apparently. Like so much else.”

Celestia was glad that Cozy Glow’s view of her face was obscured by their hug. She wasn’t quite able to mask her surprise. Who had Cozy Glow approached? Certainly nopony Celestia had matched her with. Cozy Glow had made it eminently clear that all of Celestia’s suggestions were well below her lofty standards.

But the identity of the pony in question should not be her focus, she reminded herself. No matter how curious she was. She must be empathetic, responsive. Poor Cozy Glow had experienced little enough of that in her life.

“I am so sorry to hear that,” she said gently. “I would be happy to listen, if you want to talk about it any more.”

Cozy Glow’s sobs finally stilled, and she seemed to recover herself a little. She stiffened, and then pulled away. Celestia let her go.

“No,” Cozy said, wiping again at her eyes with the handkerchief. “No, thank you…Auntie. I’m feeling better now.”

“I’m glad,” Celestia replied. She didn’t miss the new moniker, and felt herself swell a little internally. She had made the breakthrough her relationship with Cozy Glow had so sorely needed.

But she couldn’t let the conversation pause; if given too long for her own thoughts Cozy would re-erect all those walls Celestia had finally gotten past.

“There was actually another reason I was hoping to talk to you.”

Cozy Glow glanced up from her ablutions, her face darkening with a shadow of its old suspicion. “Oh yes?”

Celestia rose and walked over to her desk chair, beckoning Cozy Glow to a chair opposite. “Come. Join me.”

A slight frown on her face, Cozy obeyed.

As was her wont, Celestia steepled her hooves on her desk as she spoke. ”I am not a self-deceiving pony, Cozy Glow.”

Cozy Glow let out a very quiet, almost undetectable snort. Celestia chose to be the bigger pony both figuratively and literally, and ignored it.

“I can admit that it has taken me…time, and patience, to get to know you well. But that is what I have done, over the past few weeks. One is never too old to learn, as I always tell Twilight. The way you and your matches reacted to one another has taught me valuable lessons about your personality and mindset. I have used those lessons, and I believe that I have finally found the right pony for you. A perfect match for you, both emotionally, and most importantly, intellectually.”

Although her facial expression did not move an inch, Cozy Glow’s ears pricked up.

“She is clever, ruthless, and brilliant, just like you are, Cozy Glow. She has risen to the top of her field and will climb even higher before she’s done.”

Cozy Glow’s carefully blank expression slipped into a scowl. “I hope you’re not just going to give me a mirror and call it a day, Princess.”

With difficulty, Celestia kept her smile in place. “Ah…no. No, you can rest assured that I will not do that. But I can give you her profile.”

She slid a slim file across the desk, nothing like any of her other files. This one was glossy imperial purple card, embossed with gold leaf as delicate as the covers of the finest books in Celestia’s library.

Cozy Glow shot Celestia another sceptical glance, but reached out and scooped up the file. She flipped it open and her eyebrows rose. She looked back up at Celestia. “And this pony has agreed to a date with me?

Celestia shrugged her wings. “She and her parents are open to all options; their only concern is personality.”

Cozy Glow was still reading, her eyes flickering as she scanned the pages. “And you think my personality is a good fit for her?”

“Oh, undoubtedly,” Celestia said confidently, knowing that no two ponies had ever infuriated her in the way that these two did. “I think you will find that you are perfectly suited to one another.”

Cozy Glow snorted and pushed the file back across the desk. “Alright. I’ll play it your way. I’ll meet with her — but I suppose that you already knew I would say that.”

Celestia smiled her most beatific smile. No barbs would pierce her armour today, no matter how cunningly wrought. “I’ll write to her and arrange a time.”