- Member Since 29th Jan, 2020
- offline last seen 4 hours ago
TheHoofgarian
Kind of new to this community, only started watching when all seasons were out but better late than never. I have several story ideas and I try to share as many with you as I can.
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Welp that chapter was... hectic.
Yeah no, no one would every come to the conclusion to use that nonsense word.
Everything needs to slow down, this whole chapter felt like people rambling at each other without taking a breath.
Are you going to finish the story
10451616
Not sure what you mean by that. I mean there will be an end eventually.
My favourite part of this chapter is Spikes' "Figures...", I chuckled at that one.
Are you aware that there are far too many "," in this chapter?
10482212
To be honest, not really. I always forgot that in English there aren't many "," needed. I'll remove some unnecessary ones.
so the ponies shouldn't play this game
cuz they have B I G eyes
I’m liking this story so far
Thanks again T-G for another awesome chapter. Love all the dialog between Twi and Lacy and hope we see more of the flashbacks/talks between the two. Good luck with your next chapter, and as always have fun writing.
You could try apples to apples. it's a similar game to Card's Against humanity, but it's meant for family/ kids.
10596189
plus itll be applejack approved
10596189
Never heard of it, I'll look it up. Also I have another card game, that'll be in the story, probably a few chapters later, you'll see.
And let me guess: He's best friends with two boys named Raj and Clam.
Great chapters keep them up!
10748761
Thank you, I will!
I call bull. Ponies know this expression. I refuse to believe Twilight hasn't read a book about showbusiness.
Um. She still thinks he's trouble but wants to start anew. You don't see how those two contradict each other. At the very least it's a slap in the face. I still think you're trouble, but let's start over. She can't have it both ways and Lacy is an idiot for accepting it without calling her out on it.
10923331
And judging him based on a few facts without the whole story wasn't very nice. Applejack is very stubborn about admitting that she was wrong and takes the lesson to heart. Considering the disasters she caused because she couldn't handle the farm by herself she only gave in when she had no choice. She hated to listen to Buffalo about their home.
This is a Great chapter
10923331
10923350
I get your point, but I plan to bring back this conflict, hopefully with a little better writing... (and of course bs-ing to explain what happened here
)
10926349
Thank you!
10926665
I am in support of that actually. I mean their feud came seemingly out of nowhere and seeing it get quickly resolved made it kind of pointless. My hope is you have Lacy and her actually come to some agreement on their own, instead of having Twilight do it behind the scenes. Also properly call Applejack out on her foolish stubborn behavior.
10926671
Yeah, I get your point. However, it won't come up in the next chapter probably because that will focus on another thing. I also plan to change the PoW sometimes, because I can see, that this won't work only in Lacy's perspective in the long run.
this was a intresting chapter
I think he should have forced twilight to see what she was doing. Spike was afraid of being replaced and went all out to convince her to keep him and she didn't appreciate him and blame him for almost getting hurt when it was the owl fault and even when told that she still didn't say sorry.
Ok this is another run of the mill HiE story however I can’t find enjoyment in it cause hot dang buddy your pacing is so fast I can barley find immersion in it. I hope you rewrite this story at some point an slow it down to a turtles pace cause as of right now it’s a cheetah going so fast it just has no flavor or actual story to it just point A to B in 10 seconds flat. So again I hope ya rewrite it as some point but tell then good luck.
10974399
Maybe, but Lazlo is not exactly that type of character, at least not in this case. And the apology took place in the most dramatic place: Off-script
10974915
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it! Is it really that fast? Urgh... I thought I got better at this after the first few chapters, but I’ll try better. The rewrite will be only later probably, because if I do, I wanna expand it as well, adding a few scenes and expanding the current ones.
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I guess but it feels pointless having him knowing all this stuff and not doing anything to help.
10975874
That kind of role usually goes to the kind old grandparents and 1000+ princesses
Plus he can’t always make the best decisions, I try not to make him be too Gary Stu, though I think I’m pretty bad at it right now, though I have a for the near future (in chapters, at my currents writing speed, you’ll see it at the end of the year...)
10976014
But maybe helping them a little bit won't hurt much. Considering how much could it hurt to applejack actually accept help sooner than later. Or fluttershy to understand that being brave isn't not being scared its going forward despite fear.
10976020
There will be many more chapters in the future.
10975847
I’d appreciate that gives more story to the world if ya did an with that it’s also probably slow it down as well.
Applejack has really got to get over him lying to his mom. Considering she wasn't always honest applejack a almost got her brother hurt physically because of her lies which is a lot worse than lying in order to choose your destiny. You don't see her family holding Grudges over her mistakes.
1. If you use Google drive, it backs it up before deleting any of it. Even when you close tabs.
2. Great chapter; keep it up!!!
3. Pineapples.
11017841
1. Yeah, I could and probably should use something that constantly saves my work.
2. Thanks!!!
3. Umm... I’ve got nothing.
11018252
XD
As a bit of criticism, I've gotta say that you used commas WAY too much in this. Like using them every 4 or 5 words makes it feel like my brain is stuttering. Many of the commas used in this are wholly unnecessary and a simple space would suffice with it. For an example,
This was simply difficult to read with all the breaks so close to one another The reader instinctually hitches, making the whole paragraph feel stuttery. So as an example of a, in my view, better way to write it,
It feels to me like it's much easier to read, and flows much more smoothly from one part to the next. Just one of many examples in this and something to keep in mind.
Aside from that, really enjoying the story so far, though I really hope AJ gets that metal pole out of her plot sometime soon.......
So she wasn't being completely honest to her friend. She wants to do the promise without really doing it. Even then she failed since by revealing this to the one she's supposed to start over with how could lacy have pleasant memories from her? No matter how you slice it she lied to Twilight and completely shattered any attempt at achieving the promise, until she is actually being genuine about it. Never thought I could be more annoyed with Applejack here. I can only hope when she sees the error the her ways she has to pay hard to make up for them.
11020115
Commas... my worst enemy! Its usage is one of the things I don’t understand in English grammar, though I’m pretty sure it’s not that complex or hard to understand. I use Grammarly, which often shows me if a comma is unnecessary (yes, I put even more into the text...) but it’s probably not enough.
Thanks for pointing this out, it really helps me to improve myself. And I’m also glad that you enjoy my story. I hope I can keep it up.
Can't wait for next chapter 😊!
Jeez Applejack, I know you like Honesty, I do too, but that's kinda harsh. It ain't your business when it comes to someone else with family issues, nor SHOULD it be. So quit judging him. Sure he did lie, but SO DID YOU (At least later on), despite your remorse. No one is perfect, and I can accept that without being critical and leery towards those with their personal issues.
Makes me wonder how she would take it with the fact that Lazlo comes back next chapter.
okay,Ceslestia is a Troll
love it, keep up the great writing and happy holidays
Gonna be interesting to see Applejack's reaction. Laz is already on her shit list. Of course, maybe she'll soften up some. Who knows (besides the author)?
11081611
Thank you!
11081677
Well, I quite enjoy playing a little ping-pong with their behavior towards each other, but you’ll see.
Why is Laz still on her shit list? I thought they reconciled?
11081780
The thing is she is being two-faced about it. Apparently, she only agreed with whatever twilight told her offscreen to only make up, to have him have pleasant memories during, at the time thought to be temporary stay. Of course, she ruins it by telling him that is what she is doing straight to his face and not acting friendly towards him. The writer seems to me have written himself in a corner with it. Their feud despite one minor hint when he was telling them his life, still managed to come from nowhere, since there is no progression of Applejack's annoyance when learning of his actions, to learning she dislikes him at Appleloosa. Then it seemed to get resolved not long after that, not by them talking things out on their own, but by Twilight playing the deus ex machina peacekeeper. I guess the writer realized this and decided to continue the feud with a flimsy reason that doesn't really add up to have it be so.