The Infamous Contraption
“This is a... what?”
Celestia inquired, glancing curiously at the inconspicuous-looking black box lying on top of the map table.
“A lie detector!” Twilight proudly said. “I was able to build it, using technology James and Kleiner brought from Earth. Just imagine the possibilities!”
“Twilight, we already have lie detectors in Equestria. I am sad to inform you they are not very reliable.”
“Yes, I know about those primitive machines. They’re clunky, and you need to connect dozens of cables to the user. But this is completely different! It doesn’t even need wires at all!”
Celestia glanced once more at the device but wasn’t convinced. How could this tiny speaker-looking box be able to tell whether someone lies or not?
“I can understand your skepticism,” Twilight said, “but give it a chance. Tell an obvious lie.”
Celestia shrugged. What did she have to lose? “All right. Hmm... I am a short earth pony.”
*BEEP!*
The machined honked loudly. The electrical-like bell was like music to Twilight’s ears, widening her grin of joy.
“See?! Try again, try again!”
“Um... I like opera?”
*BEEP!*
“I hate cake.”
*BEEP!*
Celestia smiled. “All right, I admit this is an interesting little thing—”
“See, Twilight? I told you Booty Butt gonna love it!” James – the human – interjected, walking in the map room. “Oh, by the way, Luna and the girls should be here shortly.”
But Celestia didn’t get the second part, dangerously arching her eyebrow instead. “Booty Butt?!”
James smiled. “It’s a pet name. You like it?”
“No!”
*BEEP!*
“Hey! I totally hate it!
*BEEP!*
“The machine is broken!”
*BEEP!*
Twilight glanced at the readouts on the side of the box, but all parameters were normal. She knew the lie detector was working fine, and judging by the blush that began showing through Celestia’s coat, the Princess knew it too. Twilight opened her mouth to say something but James was faster.
“Hold on, Twilight, Princess Celestia is right,” James said, then cleared his throat. His face was suddenly serious. “I apologize, your Majesty, I shall address you in a formal manner from now on. Is this what you want?”
“… yes.”
*BEEP!*
With her eyes closed, Celestia clenched her teeth at the sound, but after a moment, let out a bitter chuckle.
“This thing is pure evil.”
“I know, right?!” James said. “Imagine the possibilities... Especially with all the girls coming here.”
The sudden realization wiped the smile from Twilight’s face and made her frantically shake her head. “Wait a second! We didn’t make this device to extract secrets from ponies!”
“Then why did we build it?”
“To… um… To…”Scratching her chin, Twilight tried to come up with a reason that didn’t sound like total horse manure, but the query turned out empty. “OK, but it’s our friends we’re talking about. We can’t just… you know…”
James crossed his arms and frowned. “Hrmph, you’re just jealous because you have no secrets…”
“What? Not true!”
*BEEP!*
“Hey, I have secrets, like everypony!”
*BEEP!*
James glanced at smirking Celestia, then back at sheepish-looking Twilight, and waved his hand. “Twilight, I have dug the dirt on each one of you, and the best I could find was that at the age of ten, you stole cookies from the jar and blamed it on Shining Armor.”
“I did not!”
*BEEP!*
Celestia arched her eyebrow and shot a cold gaze at Twilight, who was now nibbling her lower lip, suddenly wanting to be somewhere else. “You stole, cast the blame at your innocent brother, and now you deny it?” Her cold gaze suddenly turned warm again, and with a smile, she turned to James. “Do I know how to pick these future politicians, or don’t I?”
“Yeah, mazel tov… Now, how about we do some evil here and exploit others for fun?”
Twilight huffed angrily at the idea, back to her serious self again. “Do you honestly believe that Princess Celestia would stoop so low to use this device against her own sister, and my friends?”
Instead of an answer, James’ eyes trailed towards the alicorn of the sun and waited. Celestia stood in silence, but the involuntary twitches of her lips and her devilish smile were loud enough. Before Twilight could utter another word, the door opened, and six ponies walked inside.
Applejack was the first to say something. “Howdy, Princess, Twilight! Princess Luna said, you wanted to see us? Something about a new gimmick of yours?”
“A lie detector, Applejack. Something like you, but nicer, and more portable,” James’ words earned him a nice ‘buck you!’ look from Applejack. “We need a volunteer to test it. How about you… Dashie?”
Rainbow Dash flew over the table, eying the device for a moment, but the shrug of her shoulders was a dead giveaway she wasn’t impressed.
“Hrmph, that thing is why you called us here, Twi? We got better things to do, you know...”
“Yeah, especially you,” James’ lips curled into a smile. “Some aggressive cuddling with Soarin, huh?”
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “How many times do I have to say it? We’re not together!”
With face blushing in excitement, James glanced at the lie detector, expecting the loud beep. But nothing happened.
“Goddamn it! I just lost 50 bits to Spitfire. Unless...” His eyebrow suddenly arched. “You’re seeing her, right?”
“What? No!”
Once again, the box was silent.
“Fleetfoot?”
“No.”
“Um… Thunderlane?”
“No!”
James tapped at the still silent box on the table. “Twilight, you sure that this thing’s on?”
Dash grunted in frustration. “Ugh! I don’t see any of Wonderbolts, you idiot!”
“OK, how about…” James opened his mouth to continue, but Twilight’s frowning face shut him down. “Fine, fine... So, Rainbow Dash is a virgin Mary. Who knew...”
“Hey! I’m not a virgin!”
*BEEP!*
After the buzzer sound died down, silence spilled over the room, and soon, Dash was surrounded by a half a dozen faces, with expressions ranging from smirk to shock. Among the crowd was also one very angry mug.
“Goddammit!” James’ facepalm echoed through the castle’s halls. “1000 bits, Dash! 1000 fucking bits... How can You, Rainbow ‘The Dangerous’ Dash, be a fucking virgin?!”
“Um...” Rainbow’s face was red and getting redder by the second. “I’m not!”
*BEEP!*
“H-hey! Shut up, buzzer box! I… did things…”
*BEEP!*
“I strongly recommend you stop talking…”
For the first time ever, Rainbow Dash listened to James’ advice and bit on her lip. Not that she had much to say. With her head hanging low, and cheeks blushing intensely, her face looked ready to literally catch fire.
“OK, I got it!” James interjected. “I’m gonna take you to Canterlot’s brothel and fix you for 200 bits. That still saves me 800…”
“Darling, after the fact, that would be cheating!” Rarity smugly interjected.
“Oh, come on!” James threw his arms in the air in a dramatic gesture, but Rarity’s face remained a stone. “You really want your dirty money? Where is that generosity, I kept hearing about?”
“Sorry, but a bet’s a bet. Although I must say, I’m surprised you wanted to bet in the first place. This one was pretty obvious.”
Rainbow shot a furious glance at the smirking unicorn. “Well, excuse me for not messing around! Not everyone is as generous as you are, miss half a dozen stallions!”
“Nice try, darling, but I don’t sleep around either,” Rarity said with a smile. However, it quickly flattened after she noticed everyone glancing at the box. “... really? All of you?!” Murmurs and embarrassing mumbles were the answer. “Well, I never! Some friends you are!”
“Here goes another 200 bits...” James murmured.
“What was that?!”
“Um, n-nothing! Nothing at all,” James stammered with a nervous chuckle. “It’s just... No offense, Rares, we just thought that someone who talks so much about romance and stuff would have more... experience?”
The rest of the group nodded with an apologetic mumble.
“Darling, I never said I have zero experience,” Rarity said smugly. “But just because I like romance, doesn’t mean I’m going to lift my tail to the first stallion that comes around!” James opened his mouth, but Rarity quickly added. “Or the first human for that matter, especially a friend.”
James’ lips curled into a childish pout. “Great, I got placed into friendship zone… again. You’re the worst!” Rarity answered with a wink. " Well, I guess that behavior is commendable, but it’s also... boring.”
“Hey! Rarity’s not boring!” Pinkie Pie jumped to the rescue. “She’s caring, smart, and generous! And she helps her friends when they’re in need.”
Rarity smiled warmly. “Thank you, Pinkie, that’s very sweet of you to say.”
“That’s the least I can do after you showed me that trick with my tax return!” Pinkie turned to the group with astonishment on her face. “Did you guys know that our tax money goes to some White Fat Cake Leech?! I sure didn’t, until Rarity told me!”
The smile that just a moment ago filled Rarity’s face evaporated in an instant, leaving behind a look of terror.
“P-pinkie! Be quiet!”
“Why? You should show that trick to avoid paying taxes to everypony!” Pinkie’s oblivious smile only added to Rarity’s horror. “Who would want to feed that fat leech with our money?! Not me, that’s for sure...”
Rarity turned to Celestia to see a stone-cold expression radiating from her features and a contrasting smirk on her sister’s face. “I s-swear, I have no idea what Pinkie’s talking about!”
*BEEP!*
The machine’s sound was like a buzzer of confession, washing away Rarity’s lies. Hearing it, Celestia squinted her eyes, and very, very slowly, began moving her head from left to right, staring coldly, like death itself.
Luna was a different story, chuckling gently. “White Fat Cake Leech... That one, I need to write down!”
“Oh, you know who we’re talking about, Princess Luna?” Pinkie asked.
Luna gazed at her motionless sister from top to bottom, smiling harder. “You could say that.”
“Luna, when we get back to Canterlot, please remind me to check miss Rarity’s tax returns for the last... ten years.”
Despite her coat’s white, Rarity’s face got visibly paler. “T-ten y-years? B-but... but... I’m sure there is no need—”
“I disagree, maybe, you paid some unnecessary money to the... ‘White Fat Cake Leech.’ I want to verify it.”
“B-but—”
“And I can assure you, I will be thorough,” a very evil-looking grin filled Celestia’s face. “Very thorough.”
“Aww, isn’t that sweet?” Pinkie nudged Rarity, but her frozen body didn’t budge. “Princess’ gonna personally help you just like you helped me! Isn’t this exciting?!”
“… Pinkie, is that sale on coffins you mentioned a week ago still on? I will need one.”
“Oh, come on, my sister’s not gonna do anything that nasty to you. She’s miss Goody Little Two Horseshoes!” Luna said, only to feel Celestia’s cold gaze changing aim. “Oh, come on, sister! I bet everypony here does something illegal! Pinkie Pie, tell us what illegal activity did you do!”
“Hmm...” Pinkie tapped her chin. “Apple Bloom and I summoned the Gypsy demon of the fallen baker once, but… I think that’s legal?”
*BEEP!*
“No? Oh, well, then I guess I’m guilty,” Pinkie let out an oblivious chuckle, then noticed the blank stare of others. “What? That guy knows how to bake, not to mention paaarty!”
“I...” Celestia shook her head, Pinkie’s giggly confession finally got her out of the angry trance. “I do not think I want to think about what you do, Pinkie. My head hurts enough already…”
“Ugh, OK. Pinkie Pie was a... weird example. Hmm, Applejack! I bet you got something illegal on your conscience! Maybe... selling some moonshine from your apples?”
Applejack gulped, then smiled nervously, her smile getting wider and wider, twisting her face into an unnatural grimace. With the sweat pouring from her forehead, lie detector was not needed. She was guilty as hell.
Celestia sighed. “Luna, I have been turning a blind eye on Applejack’s family illegal booze trade ever since I gave them the land a hundred years ago. That’s nothing new to me.”
“Well then, we’re left with one last pony who hasn’t embarrassed herself today...”
Everyone’s eyes went for Fluttershy. “M-me?”
“Yes, quiet one!” Luna said. Her eyes began sparkling with energy, and her voice deepened. “Confess your sins! What is it?! Weird sexual activities?!
“N-no?”
“Dark magic?!”
“I’m a pegasus.”
“Using your inherited cuteness to give unsuspecting creatures a heart attack?!”
“I always apologize afterward.”
“Hmm...” Luna nodded in defeat. “Fair enough, I got nothing else,” Fluttershy let out a deep sight of relief. “Funny, I always suspected you of having a weed plantation in your basement, or something…”
Just like that, Fluttershy’s chest stopped moving again, and she froze like a statue. Luna saw it and grinned.
“Ha! I knew it! So that’s how you’ve been making money, all these years!”
“Um... N-no?”
*BEEP!*
The buzzer was a cue for Fluttershy to put on the best puppy face she could, screaming ‘mercy.’
“See, sister? Everypony cheat, steal, or do other illegal things,” Luna let out a chuckle. “You taught them well!”
“It is always my fault, huh? Hmm...”
Celestia began tapping on her chin and scanning everyone from left to right. After a moment, she knew exactly how to proceed.
“All right, here is what we are going to do. Applejack, you will get me some of that booze to take the edge off, Fluttershy will get me some of that weed to calm me down, and you, Rarity. You are going to provide me a dress that makes me look young and thin again. When I get drunk, stoned, and feel pretty again, then maybe, just maybe I will forget what transpired here…”
The ponies in question nodded nervously.
“Good, and Twilight? Destroy that thing, it is far too dangerous too—”
Before Celestia could finish, the door to the room burst open.
“Surprise!” Cadance and Shining Armor shouted in unison, but seeing the gathering, quickly bit their lips.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Twilight. I didn’t know you have guests,” Cadance said. “I hope our surprise visit is not a problem?”
Celestia glanced at Luna, then at Twilight, and a devilish smile filled her face again. “Twilight, you may hold on with the destruction of that thing for a while longer…”
If you enjoyed this one, make sure to check out the one 'The Great And Powerful Job Interview' – lie detector is a plot device there as well.
And remember people: "Everybody lies!" 
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Huk · 1.3k words · 285 6 · 4.6k views
- LitMatchStick · 5k words · 485 28 · 8.2k views
- DatZigga · 3.6k words · 468 13 · 7.1k views
- Burt · 2.2k words · 357 30 · 6.3k views
- Burt · 2.2k words · 691 30 · 12k views
- Burt · 1.7k words · 695 38 · 10k views
- Cackling Moron · 9k words · 399 4 · 6k views
- Burt · 2.1k words · 373 18 · 5.9k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.238 seconds
Total duration
905 users online
1,323,563 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This sounds very interesting.
I find this much better than the interview, and I like that you used more truth than lies to make jokes.
Great job! Have some good luck.
That's a lie!
Cadance, Shining, RUN!!
Actually, stay. We want to hear about your lies
Good story! I had some good laughs!
10432890
*BEEP*
This story was not funny.
*BEEP*
Dang it.
okay if that is not a ref to the parody "Friendship is Witchcraft" l don't know what is....
you are awesome dude, had VERY good laugh from this
10432919
Oh yeah, well...This sentence is false!
Poor Dashie.
Poor Rarity, as well; taxes are nasty business.
I don't think fluttershy would grow pot. I think it would be an underground fight club, if anything.
This feels like a side story to something larger.
Damn it Huk! You HAVE to do a Follow up! This is just too good!
Now I need more antics with this thing. Being unable to lie is super funny.
Damn is this like Konosuba, Cause i really want to see more.
10433138
I think the pot is actually Tree Hugger's and Flutershy is just renting her basement to her
Cadence and Shining better get outta there, because I don't think their marriage will survive that thing.
Hey Cadence, Is flurry heart actually Shining's. *waits to see the detector's reaction*
Reminds me of the Moe bit from the Simpsons. Funniest lie detector skit I’ve ever seen.
Was...was that a house reference?!
this concept has been done before, and alot beter i might add
look up 'the numbers don't lie'
also who was the idiot who decided the word for saying something false and the alternate word for laying down should be the same thing....*travels back in time to have some words with one mr. webster*
I've got a good laugh out of this, thanks for the read. I like how it's...mostly "clean" too. An unfortunate side effect of browsing this site is clop enters a majority of "Sex" tagged stories.
I do wanna see more on this, but I do believe you left it off at a good spot.However, I would not reject reading more from this
10433620
That's why I liked that a while back they added a separate "porn" tag. Old stories probably won't have it unless the author went back and added it, but it's great for newer stories.
Poor RD
I can only imagine what they're going to ask Cadence and Shining.
More?
heh, what i find interesting is that every word i speak is true, even the falsehoods...ESPECIALLY the falsehoods...
Absolute bliss from the very beginning all the way to the end! Structured beautifully, the hook is phenominal, goodness it's got it all! I hope you don't mind, but I simply HAD to make a lil' reading on this wonderous story of yours!
Audio Linkerloo!: https://youtu.be/uBl1VIyvcS4
(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment in any way!)
10432867
Well, let me know what you think after you read it
10432887
Ironically this story was the first draft of what later became 'The Great And Powerful Job Interview,' but at the time, I didn't find it funny and couldn't figure out the ending, so it was 'marinating' on my drive for almost half a year.
And it wasn't the first time either. The same thing happened with 'Dashing to Dirty Conclusions' - for almost a year, I wasn't sure whether to post it or not, thinking nobody will like it.
Talk about not understanding what people like...
10432890
Well, I'm with my sarcastic guru on this one:
i.pinimg.com/originals/40/3d/82/403d828e65f566ed135fe22546e4bd79.jpg
But feel free to challenge it
10432919
... beat me to it by 17 hours
10432930
Liar! ... glad you enjoyed it
10432935
YES! It was inspired by "Friendship is Witchcraft" - glad someone got the reference. Also glad you enjoyed it
.
10433119
10433982
Maybe Dash is just is the 'sex after marriage only' kind of mare
10433138
10433448
Or maybe both...
Now that's a club I would like to visit
10433551
Yeah, seen that. Something tells me that the original 'Lie Detector' short on YT was inspired by that Simsons' episode
10433555
media.tenor.com/images/2619e99e4d3cb4c83c0e27c25a110bf4/tenor.gif
... yes
10433587
I realize this concept has been done probably 100+ times, and that there are probably better stories out there (I have the one you mentioned in my 'read it later' queue). But you know... if everyone was comparing their stories to others, nothing new would get published.
Sorry, you didn't enjoy it, but you can't please everyone...
10433743
Agreed. Before the tag, I was pretty wary of using stronger innuendos and stuff requiring 'sex' tag, because most 'sex' stories were just clop. Thankfully, it's much easier now.
10434077
... your name wouldn't be Elim Garak, would it
?
10434081
Whoa, I'm honored
10433289
10433307
10433377
10433437
10433620
10434055
Thanks for the kind words, however, to make things clear... No, this isn't a part of anything larger - just a one-shot. As for any sequel... maybe, but I cannot promise anything.
Sorry, but I'm a very inconsistent writer...
10432913
10433462
10433540
10434049
I imagine it would start with the question about Flurry Heart and would go downhill from there. I imagine we would find out that:
... OK I'm going to leave the room now...
10434181
Mate, how could l not like it?... You are a hell of great writer, an EXPERT in making us crap ourselves with laughter (or was that just me?) and at kicking us so hard in the balls of our feels that we break down crying... *points at "Friendship Is Magic! ... Unless You Are a Human" and my rather emotional comments on it*
l am EAGERLY looking forward to more stories from you, big or small... and you are inspiring me to resume work on my own story
reminds me of an old fic where the crusaders dig up some old artifact that puts numbers over everypony's heads.
the numbers are how many times they lie.
edit: Found it!
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/88575/the-numbers-dont-lie
10434181
Mate, if I had the money right now I would PAY you to do ONE more chapter at least!
That is how much I love this story and the idea.
10434211
l agree, this is a story that BEGS for more chapters... l would LOVE to see Trixie and the FlimFlam brothers pulled in front of it..... it will either beep none stop or blow right up from overload
10434181
lets just say, there r word spoken and words unspoken...and wise is the one who bewares those adept in both languages...
Celestia, you don't know what carnage you've brought upon yourself and all in the room. You're giving the Alicorn of
FoodLove a blank check to go through everyone's personal and private lives to sniff out relationships, etc.There is no being in existence that has enough mercy for your souls.
Who is James and Kleiner?
10434181
I meant like the movie fightclub, not like dog fights. I don't think fluttershy would sanction animal abuse.
we need more lie detector stories...
I think I'm going to investigate how they work to write some myself ...
*BEEP!*
ok, I'm not going to investigate, but I'm going to write something based on this ...
*BEEP!*
ok, I'll start writing something soon ...
*BEEP!*
ok, okay, I'm just going to wait for more stories to come out of the lie detecting machine ...
*****
stupid machine...
*BEEP!*
...
And no bit from Luna about how she is clearly NOT boffing the human? For shame!
I don't know why, but i feel like... just a tiny bit... that the justice system in Equestria is not great.
i d o n ' t k n o w w h y t h o u g h
Are we finna get a sequel?
This story was so funny! Its inspired me to get back to writing my own backlog!
*BEEP*
... Oh screw you, you infernal box.
Rule number 1: The Doctor lies.
I laughed so hard.
At least she knows
I'm very surprised James never tried to embarress Celestia even more by telling Luna about the whole pet name. Or maybe it was through Luna he found out?
All this Fic does is make me want to ogle the ladies of the Victoria's Secret catalogue ...
10434240
Someone's been reading Blank Page. :P
10435027
Yuuuuup. Think Candy Cane is referred as the "Alicorn of Food" in a few stories but it's highly amusing to me regardless.
I hope you continue this and do one for Shining and Cadence, maybe one for Spike and the Crusaders.
see i legit wanna see more of this with ocs and more canon characters in a light hearted sense